Taking the Fight Public - My Reboot

[Switch]

Where to start ...

I am a mid-40's happily-married man (20 years of marriage) with children.  I love my wife and family more than life itself, and to everyone in my real world, I am probably the stereotypical suburban man ... loving and supportive husband and father, well-educated, successful businessman, active in my community, athletic and good natured. 

I work alone in my own business/office, where I have nearly unfettered privacy and access to the internet.  I have never admitted or spoken about these issues to anyone in my life, and it is hard to talk about this even anonymously.  I have a chronic problem with pornography and sexual fantasy, including crossdressing, dating back more than 30 years, and I feel like it is destroying my life from the inside out.

My sexual fantasies and crossdressing started maybe as young as 7-8 years old.  My parents were divorced, I often found myself alone and unsupervised (or under-supervised), and I started masturbating fairly regularly.  Divorcees in the early 70's, both of my parents had a stash of pornographic magazines (my dad subscribed to Playboy, my mother to OUI and Penthouse, which she oddly left pretty much in the open).  I remember thinking how beautiful and desirable the women were.  Around the same time, I started trying on my mother's clothing when I was alone in her apartment.  It was comforting and made me feel equally desirable, although over the years, it became more and more sexual. 

Most of these issues disappeared in high school and college.  I was busy with sports, partying, and girls, I was rarely alone, and had little interest in pornography or crossdressing.  I was very sexually active, up to and including my girlfriend then and wife now.  We married a couple years after college, and I went back to professional school.  During this time, I found myself home alone again on a regular basis, and I would sometimes wear my wife's clothing and/or buy pornographic magazines.  This continued on and off for many years.  Whenever I was alone for an extended period of time, I would succumb, crossdress, and masterbate.  I always felt ridiculous, embarrassed and ashamed afterwards.

About five years ago, I started my own business, and in some respects, it has been a slow and steady descent.  I started again with still pictures (almost Playboy magazine-ish), before moving on to more and more explicit pornography and videos.  I now regularly watch and fantasize about crossdressing sex.  About six months ago, I developed an overwhelming urge to crossdress, to the point of shaving my body hair (loosely "explainable" due to cycling hobby), masturbating almost exclusively to CD/TS type pornography, and wearing female panties under my clothing.  It got to the point where I felt like I had to talk to my wife, as I desperately needed to talk to someone.  During this period, I would waste my entire work day, spending hours and hours on the internet, alternating between pornography (on one hand) and the searching for help and answers (on the other).

More recently, I have regained modest control over the crossdressing, and until last night, I had gone maybe 5-6 weeks without crossdressing.  But I have still been watching porn in the office (again, normally CD porn).  In addition, I feel like things have taken a further step in that, during the past 6-8 weeks, I have not been able to climax during sex with my wife.  This is unheard of for me, as I sometimes had the opposite problem.  The last few times, I have actually "faked" an orgasm and then later masturbated in the bathroom after sex. 

This morning, I googled how to quit and watched the "Reboot" Video twice.  I feel like a middle-aged poster child for the cause ... crave pornography and fantasy, desensitized myself to pornography, problem with orgasm, twisted sexual thoughts and fantasies, "flatline" experience, anxiety and stress.  My own self-reflection and research has led me to believe that I have chronic self-esteem issues and terrible fear of abandonment, which manifests itself in CD desires and pornography.  I always feel unworthy of love, anyone's love, and the CD fantasy feeds both the fantasy of be desired and lusted after (ridiculous) and then the re-affirmation of being unworthy of anyone's love (guilt, anxiety, shame, regret).  It is just an insane cycle of pain or mental torment, and it is destroying my life.

These are literally my deepest, darkest, most embarrassing personal secrets, which are hard to write about even anonymously  My friends, my children, and my spouse would be shocked and disgusted to know that this is what I do and think about in private.  I feel like a broken person, maybe even irrevocably broken.  I feel like maybe I am just hardwired as a sexual deviant.  But I am so sick and tired of wasting my day and my life to pornography.  I am so sick and tired of feeling embarrassed and ashamed.  I am so angry at myself that I am not disciplined enough or strong enough to fight these perversions and control my behavior.  I feel like I am fighting a battle where my enemy is inside me.

And that is why I am here.  I am taking this fight out of my head and into this cyberspace.  I am tired of losing this battle.  I have hoping to leverage the support of this community to overcome my problem with pornography, crossdressing/perversion, and sexual fantasy.  I want to restore the positive/loving feelings that should be associated with sexual relations and intimacy, to work through my self-esteem issues, and live with integrity, to the best of my ability.

Thanks for listening.  My reboot starts here and now. 

 

[Chile]

Switch,

I am so glad you're here. Others will come up beside you as well. There is not one single thing you shared that people here can not identify with. Everyone's story is different but the base issues are almost carbon copies of each other.

I'm still not sure where I am in the Reboot process, but I know I would have died another thousand deaths before making the amount of progress I've experienced here. Everything may seem impossible right now, but you'll see that many are quitting porn who could only "fantasize" about being free. You are incredibly love-worthy! Man I have tears as I write this! Not only will you feel more loved as you start to get away from porn but you'll also be able to give more love to those around you. Others can explain it much better than I can, but it's not about trying to face this dragon head-on and then being spin-cycled in shame. Make this place a regular stop and your reboot will be different this time. Peace!

 

[CrazyGopher]

When you describe your porn addiction getting more serious when you started your own business, I can relate because I had the same experience. I still spend a lot of time alone in my home office, but gradually my self-discipline has been improving and it is less of a problem these days.

Glad you are here, man. You can resolve this if you put in sufficient effort! Post regularly and consider a counter... Both help!

 

[Switch]

Chile and CG -

Thanks for the replies and the support.  It was helpful and strangely cathartic just to write it all down and say "This is me," even anonymously.

One of the problems that I have in dealing with the issues is that I really have no one to talk to.  After several decades, my wife is also my best friend and perhaps my only truly close friend, and she is the the person I would go to with my problems.  But I just cannot bring myself to talk to her about it.  It is probably the only thing that I have not told her about myself in the quarter century that we have been together.  I am personally disgusted and freaked out by the behavior, so I cannot even imagine her reaction.  In fact, one of the reasons I took the plunge here was because of the matter-of-fact tone of the Reboot Video itself ... Gabe must have just unbelievable courage and self-confidence to make such an important video and be so open about himself.

Chile, I try to tell myself exactly that, but it is like hearing without meaning or believing. I also struggle with chronic and sometimes severe procrastination, which definitely plays a part here. 

Every single day, I come to my office with the best of intentions ... I intend to work hard, productively, consistently, give my best efforts.  But then I check personal email accounts, and then reading news and sports, and then off to my favorite blogs, and half of my day disappears in an instance and the wheels have fallen off.  By the end of the work day (if not before), I am so angry and depressed and disappointed in myself, that I turn to pornography, like a shot of whiskey ... instead of getting drunk, I get off ... and end up even more depressed and disappointed.  Pornography is the insult to injury, really driving home was a loser I am. I drive home, either screaming at myself or in tears, trying to get it all out before I walk in the door and have to pretend to my family that my day was "fine."  None of this makes any rational sense.  But that is also why I have to be careful about my involvement here, which (strangely and unfortunately) can become as much of a "slippery slope" to losing my day as anything else. 

CG, I am hoping to develop self-discipline and recently installed a "crutch" of sorts to help me.  I recently installed an app called "Self Control," which literally kills the internet for a predetermined amount of time.  Once activated, there is nothing that can be done to restore it before the time is up.  It is a challenge for me to use this software because I often need to use the internet as part of my job, but it allows me to create 1-3 hours of pure, uninterrupted work.

Thanks again ... Spent last evening working out and doing homework with my teenager.  With my wife out of town, I easily could have surfed porn sites or worn her clothing ... played guitar instead.  But this is officially "Day 1" for me.

 

[lyon03]

Every single day, I come to my office with the best of intentions ... I intend to work hard, productively, consistently, give my best efforts.  But then I check personal email accounts, and then reading news and sports, and then off to my favorite blogs, and half of my day disappears in an instance and the wheels have fallen off.  By the end of the work day (if not before), I am so angry and depressed and disappointed in myself, that I turn to pornography, like a shot of whiskey ... instead of getting drunk, I get off ... and end up even more depressed and disappointed.  Pornography is the insult to injury, really driving home was a loser I am. I drive home, either screaming at myself or in tears, trying to get it all out before I walk in the door and have to pretend to my family that my day was "fine."  None of this makes any rational sense.

Welcome to the nation! Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly my friend. Wow this post really hit me. This was me (to a 't') pre-reboot. My attention span was a pathetic 3 minutes before I'd search for a porn fix. It's taken me just about 5 months to start working effectively again. While I now struggle with internet (rather than porn) addiction, things are much better so there is hope. But it takes time and a lot of effort. As for your cross dressing, who am I to judge? From an outsider's point of view, it's the guilt and shame (not the CD) that feeds your addiction. Forgive me for writing this but it sounds pretty harmless. No need to feel self-conscious here brother as none of us will judge you. So I'd recommend you get it all out in your posts. Better here where you can deal with your demons rather than having the demons run amok in your head. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[sodonewithit]

Hiya Switch,

Glad to see you have found this place.  It's the first step to start and the hardest but writing it down and hitting send just confirms everything you already know. 

Don't beat yourself up over the past, it happened and that is just it.  I think you should bring up some of these issues with your wife, I did with mine and it was the single greatest release of a burden I have ever felt in  my life.  Somewhere she  knows there is a issue and she might, as mine did, believe it is her where the problem lies but it isn't.  There might not even be a problem save for the wasted time, for myself just admitting was enough to be done with it all. 

Clearly we are all not qualified to say this is good and this is not but I'm glad to read your story and glad to have you here.  I look forward too seeing you triumph this.

 

[Switch]

Thanks again for the replies and support.

It's kinda funny, as I have been a member in other online forums, and THIS was the problem that I really wanted and needed to discuss, but it was never the right forum.  I think I am finally in the right place to work on these personal issues.  So thanks, Reboot Nation!

There is some "unloading" here, so feel free to skip my way-too-long posts, whoever is reading this.

________________________________

Lyon - I have read your journal with great interest and empathy.  To be completely candid, your story is the "train wrecking" scenario that I feared was at the heart of my crossdressing fetish, like some sort of Freudian sexual repression issue waiting to emerge.  I am sure this is where I am to throw in the obligatory "not that there is anything wrong with it," and pleas know that I am all kinds of John Stewart/Stephen Colbert liberal/civil libertarian and have no issue at all with the sexual orientation of anyone ... except my own, because that impacts the people I love, the life that I have built, etc.  If anything, I think your own journal reflects this, and I greatly admire your courage on your own journey.

I have always had both a crossdressing fetish and a masturbation habit, the later of which I have regarded as generally harmless.  In my case, the masturbation "filled in the gaps" between my wife's idea of regular sex (couple times per month) and my own (couple times a week).  I married an amazing, smart, charming, gorgeous woman, but she is satisfied with sex on a far less regular basis, and she is far more conservative and demure in bed.  The crossdressing was far more sporadic, usually limited to those rare instances when I was left along for an extended period of time (wife out of town, or vis versa).  This has gone on for decades of time.

About 4-5 months ago, something change.  I developed an overwhelming urge/desire to wear women's clothing, and I started to surf CD porn.  I cannot explain why.  I was thinking "midlife crisis," or maybe just "mentally snapped."  I had a very, very stressful 2014 from a work perspective.  It felt like someone had spiked my drinking water with estrogen, as I was just obsessed with the desire to wear women's clothing.  I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my wife and her extended family, wearing a sexy pair of pink panties underneath my apron. 

While I agree that sexual fetishes are potentially "harmless," I do not agree with you that my particular one is harmless.  Women are overwhelming turned off by the fetish, and I am virtually certain that my wife would feel likewise.  I cannot decide if her reaction would be laughter, or horror, or both, but it would be one of those three.  Beyond the pink fog and post-masterbation, I actually feel the same way ... I look at myself and think, "What in the world am I doing?"  I also have both self-esteem issues (submissive) and abandonment issues tied into this hot mess.  My parents divorced when I was very young, my father got sole custody, and I would steal my mom's clothing and secretly wear it at home.  It turned more sexual in puberty, and in my post-marriage/adult life, it has now been further mixed with 20+ years of shame, embarrassment, and self-loathing.  I cannot even imagine inviting my wife to meander through those mental and emotional land mines.  I would rather deal with it on my own, if that is possible.

I have spent the last few months, researching crossdressing from the technical/scientific publications (with more than occasional forays into CD forums and porn blogs), and this is what I think I have learned about myself.  I have a sexual fetish, rather than a "gender identity" problem or genuine desire to present myself as a woman to anyone.  I do not seek to develop female mannerisms or be seen by anyone in women's clothing.  I get turned on by seeing, and wearing, women's clothing, and in and of itself, there is nothing wrong with it and nothing I can do about it anyway.  I am "fighting it" not because it is wrong, but because it is undermining my relationship with my wife and normal, real world sex.  The CD porn has resulted in me being less aroused by just normal, gorgeous-woman-naked-in-bed-with-me sex, and I find myself reaching for sexual fantasy when I am with her.  I also have also had delayed ejaculation, to the point where I am "missing the boat entirely" and having to masturbate in the bathroom afterwards.  Again, this is just ridiculous.  When you only have sex a couple times per month, the very last thing that you want is to end up masturbating in a bathroom! 

So way too long answer to your question, but that is why my CD fetish and related masturbation is not "harmless" any more.  It is impacting my mental, emotional, and sexual well-being.

So Done - I have always been short on self-love and long on self-loathing.  Even as I type this, I spent way, way too much time reading in these forums, burning hours of my work day here ... chronic procrastination, also fueled by the internet.  I hope there comes a day when I can talk to my wife about this ... I am not there yet.

That is all for now.  Thanks for listening, and good luck to all.

 

[sodonewithit]

I think that all of us have either thought or acted upon the strange desires this problem brings up.  In another section I read of a guy who allowed himself to be tied up and....although he wasn't in to it but the drive convinced him he was (till the action started).  Half of me could relate to his story,  the other cried inside.  The things I thought sounded appropriate make me shake my head and wonder who was that guy in the mirror (not that CD is horrible but if you don't like it that's all that matters ).

Give it some real time free from the screen.  I was in  a similar boat wondering when I would find myself divorced without the family but less than a month has changed the world, I kid you not.  All of our stories are in the same section of the library but just written differently.  Have faith in this process working, it will if you let it.

 

[Doc]

Welcome Switch,
You are in the right place now.  Here you will find folks who are going through many similar experiences.  If the exacts don't quite match up, don't worry, the feelings are exactly the same.  Keep taking advantage of all of the amazing information that is available her and on some of the other sites.  "Your Brain On Porn" and "Love You, Hate Porn" are two that have helped me come to grips with feelings that didn't gel with my reality and with my addiction as a whole.
It is a huge amount of relief just to get everything out in the open. 
In a, relatively, short time I have gone from complete secrecy to laying all cards on the table with my Wife.  No, it isn't just quick and easy and perfect and everything hums right along.  I hurt her without realizing that I was doing it and it is taking time to heal......but it is healing.  We are finding ourselves closer now in many ways.  The physical relationship is taking a very slow path back but our communication has increased.  I'm only 35 days ahead of you on this road but it IS getting better and the physical has now started to return between my Wife and I......AND IT'S GOOD.
Stay strong, be determined and live. 
Welcome to your freedom.
R

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. Thanks for replying. I agree with the previous posts: we cannot discover normal sexuality nor our true sexual identity until we stop with the addiction. My porn tastes were 100% homosexual and always were. Even without porn I was still a gay man and have dealt with the consequences of that life decision (namely divorce). We are only as dark as our secrets my friend so I'd urge you to keep sharing here and perhaps seek out professional counselling as soon as possible. I once told myself the world would end if everyone knew I was gay. Now everyone knows and life is still beautiful. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[Switch]

Thanks again for the replies and support.

It occurred to me this morning that I have a more systemic problem, and that is maintaining a "virtual existence" at all.  I spend way, way too much time online, in general, and I need to return to "terra firma" and real world experiences. 

Therefore, checking in to confirm that I am 100% committed to the cause here, but I am shutting down my internet today for the entire day.  Check in tomorrow.

Switch

 

[sodonewithit]

Look forwardnto hearing from you tomorrow!

 

[Chile]

That's a very good shutdown Switch! Stay strong.

 

[Switch]

I have had no trouble staying away from porn (very busy at work), but slid back online after a late lunch and lost another couple hours of work time. 

In articles and books, I have read that will power is like a physical muscle, which wears out with use.  It can also be strengthen and built up through use and exercise, again like a muscle.  The depletion of will power through use, coupled with triggers and rationalization, is the proverbial slippery slope for me ... fortunately, not into pornography today (which is the commitment here), but back on to the internet.

And really, that is the Holy Grail for me ... To develop the self-discipline that I sit at a computer and do my work, without disabling the internet (because I often need it) and without getting online for personal matters and surfing.  It is like a recovered alcoholic being a bartender ... My vice (the internet) is right there, always at the ready.  The reality is that, absent completely disabling access with a program like Self Control, I am one easy click away from the internet and all that it holds, good and bad.

I am not sure when I became this way, at a fundamental level.  My job generally involves sitting at a computer, all day long, excluding when I take a break.  Over time, dating back maybe 15 years, my online identity and activities have become ingrained in my psyche ... It is what I do, mindlessly, unthinkingly.  There is no natural pause in the action ... Sit down, log-in, check email, and thereafter, start tumbling down the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole. 

And that is the place, the fundamental level, where I think I need to fight this battle, as it is all tied together.  My online addiction in general, and my problem with pornography in particular, is an integral part of chronic procrastination.  And I have to somehow learn how to be around alcohol (internet access) and even "drink alcohol" (use the internet for work purposes) without binging, without moving to the harder/more damaging stuff (pornography).

The other riddle for me is how to participate here, and utilize the collective power of online support, without allowing this too to feed my addiction, my online activities and identity.  Again, not to hammer the analogy into the ground, but for me, this is somewhat akin to attending an AA meeting in a bar.  I have no off button ... I start thinking, and writing, and then reading other journals, and on and on.  I have too little self-control ... and candidly, that is pathetic.

As many have noted here, it has definitely been cathartic to talk here and let my secret go, even anonymously.  This is a great resources.  But like everything else, I am going to have to figure out how to interact with even this resource in my struggle with procrastination, online addiction, and PMO.

 

[Switch]

This is probably less porn/PMO specific and more generalized, but it is where my thinking is taking me with this.

I have spent my entire life, fighting chronic procrastination.  I have journal entries, dating back to my teenage years, stressing about how behind I was in school, how I was overwhelmed, how I missed deadlines.  The means by which I procrastinated has, of course, changed over time.  It was TV and listening to music, and then video games and guitar, followed by friends and partying, sports and other personal interest, and of course, the behemoth that is the internet.  The internet is now my crack dealer, serving up all flavor of lotus leaf, a cheap and unending supply of whatever I want.  I am not blaming the internet.  Blaming the internet is like blaming the sharp knife for cutting my hand, or the hammer for smashing my finger.  The internet is just a tool, useful and effective when used correctly.

No, as I dig into these issues, it has occurred to me that I am causing my own pain, and moreover, I myself am choosing this result, this pain, over a better life.  I am choosing pain and anger and hardship over success and happiness and personal satisfaction.  My volitional actions lead me here.  I have to sit down, log on, and click the Safari icon, each time.  I have to keep going, keep reading, keep engaging.  I came up with nearly 50 rationalization statements, which i have told myself as a reason to use the internet, ranging from "just checking email" to "looking up a definition" to "what was the score of the game" to "need to do some banking."  Those statements may be true, in isolation, but the NEED and URGENCY to do so in the middle of my workday is often manufactured and false.

This leads me to the second realization that, on some level, I must want to cause myself pain.  I must want to suffer these consequences.  Otherwise, I would not keep doing the same thing, making the same bad, painful choices, over and over and over again.  Pornography is just a microcosm of the bigger problem for me, and it follows the exact same triggers and patterns.  I know that, after PMO, I feel embarrassed, angry, and depressed.  I know the outcome, as certainly as 2+2=4.  And yet, I choose the actions (2 and 2) when I know the outcome (4).  This is why I feel that all of this ... crossdressing/submissive porn, PMO, internet usage, chronic procrastination ... are founded upon a self-esteem problem.  I must want to hurt myself.  It is the only explanation that i can think of, rationally, for why I would keep choosing behaviors that leads to such pain.

Knowing the problem, obviously, is not the same as knowing and understanding the solution.  I do not think a series of Stuart Smalley affirmations are going to break through decades, perhaps a lifetime, of low self-esteem and self-loathing.  I have, in fact, unwittingly tried that approach by listing all of the things that I have done, as objectively as I can.  I am a active, involved, loving, and supportive husband and father, I have worked hard in moments (at least hard enough to make ends meet), I am active in my community, and on and on.  I have also tried to come at the problem from the other side, trying to convince myself that I just set unreasonable and irrational expectations for myself, setting the bar to high so that I will always "fail."  There is definitely a "perfectionist" underpinning to the procrastination (and a school of thought that we procrastinate to protect our psyche ... i.e., I can rationalize that I "could have done better" or "would have succeeded" if I had not procrastinated).  Neither approach has worked.

But ultimately, there is one factor, one true statement, that gives me hope in my personal battles with PMO, with procrastination, with self-esteem and self-loathing, and it is this ...

If I am choosing the actions that produce this pain, then that means I myself possess the power to choose differently and change my life.  I have the power of choice AND the physical ability to choose a different action.  I can choose the Self Control App over the Safari App.  I can choose to meditate, or go for a walk, or do 20 pushups, instead of clicking and surfing and suffering.  I can, on my own, choose a different path that leads to happiness and personal satisfaction. 

I can choose my wife over pornography (man, that should be a really easy and simply choice).  I can choose time with my children, who I love more than life, over time websites and forums full of virtual strangers (no offense intended).  Again, this should be a ridiculously easy choice.  I can choose real life experience, and interaction with the real people in my real world.  I can choose to be happy by choosing the actions that potentially lead me there.  I know, for an absolutely certainty, what does NOT lead me there.  And I possess this power.  It is inside me.

To be sure, decades of well worn neurological connections create a web of mental and emotional resistance, whether it is porn or whatever other stressed-induced, procrastination-enabling web activity I may choose.  That is the real battlefield ... breaking through the resistance, recognizing that the anxiety will pass, embracing and truly believing that this process works.  All that is required is courage and belief in myself.  All that is needed is mindfulness and honesty and compassion.  All that is needed is love, for myself and others, to serve at the foundation of this change.

I know this is not explicitly PMO related, and I apologize for that.  It is PMO-related for me.

And if I make the choices that I hope to make tomorrow, you won't hear from me, at least during the workday.  So here is to hoping you DON'T see me tomorrow.

Good luck to all.


   

 

[Chile]

That was an extremely thoughtful post Switch. You said so many things that are inside of me as well. The internet is the only thing that accompanies me throughout the day, so I have the same addiction to it as you do. I always feel a little lost and disappointed after I've checked my emails, done my banking and paid my bills, and the rest of the "necessary" stuff I have to do online. What makes it harder is I work from home. Wasn't that supposed to make things easier and more efficient?

You are loved brother. If I don't see any new posts from you during the day I will take it as a good sign, but if you find yourself surfing the web I hope you come here rather than going to eye-candy sites. You are taking some good steps forward, whether you realize it or not. This reboot thing can by quite cyclical and cloudy too. Peace!

 

[Dharmabum]

Switch,

Welcome to Reboot and thanks for your candor and your willingness to open up with us here.  You and I have very similar stories - except for me, you can replace the cross dressing fetish with a proclivity for bondage and a foot fetish. 

We all have our personal turn-ons and the root cause of those is worthy of exploration so we can learn how to manage them healthily, but don't get caught up in shame around them, because they usually manifested at an age at which we had very little control over the shape our desires were taking.  Shame is what helped perpetuate my cycle of PMO - I'd feel somehow 'less than' and a world where I could watch my fantasies come to life numbed me to dealing with finding my own confidence and self-worth. 

That said, the whole notion of being married with kids, the work-from-home lifestyle, the ability to seek out porn without being watched/caught, the anxiety and flatlining - that was me.  And the procrastination.  That sounds like me to a "T".

Your statement of personal responsibility in this thread (from March 25) is powerful and spot-on.  Remember that, despite this being an addiction that we need support in fighting, you do have the choice and the power to step away at any given moment from the temptation.  Don't let it tell you that you have to succumb to it.  Go for a walk, journal, grab a book, pick up the phone, post here?something that gets you away from the websites that will pull you back in. 

We all have that power?and it feels good to know we are capable of choosing a better life for ourselves and our families.

Keep going.  You're off to a great start!

 

[Switch]

Rationalization are the grease to the slippery slope, and I am sure this is one, but I have had a pretty good day.  Got to work early, wrote in my journal, and stayed off of the internet.  I dealt with some of my dilatory/procrastination head on by calling clients and apologizing for the delays (rather than having them sit around wondering and getting angry).  I then had an amazingly productive day and did not come here until I was done.

Chile - Thanks for the continuing support and reply.  I completely understand what you are saying about the work environment.  I can go 8-10 hours without actual human contact (other than emails), and it leaves me feeling isolated, lonely, and abandoned, as if no one really cares what I do, if I do anything, beyond at some point producing the deliverable.  I have tried a couple strategies that have worked, to some extent.  I always buy coffee in the morning, and I make it a point to go inside the coffee shop (never the drive-through) so that I get out and some human interaction.  I do the same thing in the afternoon about 3:30 p.m. (just returned as a matter of fact).  I always find someone to talk to, or just talk with the baristas.  It sounds stupid but it is real world, human interaction.  I invite someone to lunch at least once per week for the same reason, just to get out of my office.  Another suggestion would be to buy a laptop and work in a public place (coffee shop, library, anywhere you get a little human interaction).

My issue with "self-love" runs a little deeper.  I know that I am loved, by my wife, by my children, by friends and family.  Even my client told me that he loved me today (really happy with something I did).  The problem is that I do not feel worthy of it, that I am not deserving of it, no matter what I do ... it's me, not them.  It's psychological and chronic.  I am always filled with regret for what I failed to do, and worried about mistakes that I am going to make, always missing the present joys and successes.  It is not rational.  And it is definitely the place where I need to do some heavy lifting. 

Dharma - Jack Kerouac is one of my favorite writers, and love most of the beat generation writers.  I was actually read Gary Snyder last night ... highly recommended. 

I agree with you about my crossdressing fetish.  I do not cause it, create it, or choose it.  I cannot change it either, any more than I can change the fact that I like chocolate ice cream.  In my interest surfing, I actually found a very helpful, completely non-pornographic online community of crossdresser, most of whom are married, heterosexual, and completely at ease with their crossdressing.  This was mind-opening to me.  I also discovered that I really do not have the kind of gender identity issues that many of them are dealing with.  I do not have a desire to present myself to someone else as a woman, or dress in public, or integrate CD as a hobby or lifestyle choice.

You are also right about the shame, humiliation, and embarrassment.  I shouldn't feel that way, but I do.  I also think I am better off fighting and repressing it, rather than embracing it, because it could only be "healthy" if my wife was involved, and that simply is not going to happen.  From what I have seen and read, this fetish is a complete turn-off for 90%+ of women, and my wife is very conservative and demure sexually.  To be honest, I have used that "rationalization" to justify masturbation in general, and PMO in particular, but I now see it as a lie.  I am burning my sexual energy and desires on myself, selfishly.  The far better, more satisfying and rewarding approach would be honesty with her, and working together to bridge the sexual divide with her, instead of "supplementing" on my own and suffering through the resulting shame and embarrassment.

Thanks again all.  I burned about 45 minutes here and it is time to finish my day strong offline.  Counting it as a "win" even though I did not make the whole day.

Good luck to all.

 

[Switch]

Another good day.  And another not explicitly PMO-related post (although more on that later).

The best known cure for procrastination and web surfing is being so incredibly busy that you have no time or opportunity.  It sucks that I have put myself in a position, where deadlines and client demands are careening out of control, but strangely, this work frenzy and adrenaline rush are probably part of the "habit-reward" cycle.  I thrive (or more likely, I think I thrive) on the press of deadlines. 

This, of course, is demonstratively not true.  Like everyone else, I am sure I do much better work with more time, preparation, care, attention to detail.  I have just created a work habit/ethic/cycle, in which I fail to use the time when I have it, and then scramble to meet deadlines.  Again, another strange fact ... the more skilled and experienced that I have gotten at my job, the more I have procrastinated and the closer I get to deadlines before the "GET TO WORK" stress gets to me.  The adrenaline use to kick in a week before the deadline, then it was a couple days before the deadline, and now, sometimes it is not until I am staring at the deadline itself.

This all started decades ago ... I would struggle with writing, would not feel inspired or creative or in the mood, until pressed by the deadline.  More often than not, the INSPIRATION came, but then it would take me beyond the deadline to execute and perform.  I cannot tell you how many times I turned in papers in which I received a grade of 95-100%, only to lose 10-20 points for handing in late work.  I had some improvement in college and law school, and when I began my career, but as I note above, it has progressively gotten worse, both with my own office (being my own boss) and with experience (I can now do in hours what use to take me days). 

My thought for the day was that maybe there is a connection here, a similar pattern and subconscious intent, along with PMO, internet addiction, and other behavior issues.  On some level, I am actually trying to cause myself panic, stress, and anxiety.  I must want to hurt myself, experience this mental and emotional pain.  I have a track record of 30+ years, doing the same kinds of things over and over again.  I waste my available time, being selfish and self-centered and immature and avoiding my responsibilities.  It really does not matter whether I am watching TV and playing guitar (1980's), or playing video games (1990's), or surfing the web (2000's), or specifically surfing pornographic websites (2010's).  I know I am here because of pornography in general, and PMO in particular, but honestly, that is probably not the core problem that I need solve.  I need to break this cycle.  I need to stop hurting myself.  I need to value my own time and my own life, recognizing that my time and attention and efforts have a value, which I am wasting on activities that are devoid of meaning or value (or worse).  I need to build up and recreate my own self-respect and self-esteem, so that I will consciously make choices and engage in activities that enrich me, rather than tear me apart.

Pornography is definitely part of that.  It is not merely devoid of value.  Worse, it detracts from real life and robs me of meaningful relations and experience with real people (my wife).  My wife returned last night from a week of being gone, and I was so incredibly happy to see her, just wake up in bed next to her.  She is the woman I love, and she is the person who is completely 100% entitled to whatever her husband (me) has in me, in terms of sexual energy and attention.  She is entitled to my complete attention, mind and body.  I have allowed pornography and fantasy to interfere with and damage one of the most powerful and positive experiences that I get to enjoy, intimacy with the woman I love.  Seriously, think of the choice ... real, meaningful, powerful sexual relations with the woman I love, resulting in euphoria, satisfaction, and contentment, OR pathetic, perverted, sad, isolating masturbation sex to photos and videos, resulting in shame, humiliation, and regret.  Man, this should be such an easy choice, and it is only my self-esteem and self-worth issues that make it a question at all.

On an unrelated note, I have a very odd and intense sexual dream last night.  I do not think it is necessary or helpful to go into too many details here, but the key component that I do view as very positive is that it was my wife.  I have not had an intense sexual dream, with my wife as the "protagonist," in a long time.  Made waking up next to her all the better.

Good luck to all.

 

[Switch]

I posted about making good progress and staying busy.  I came here to write about it.  I never "left" the internet.  That was three hours ago.

I am going to have to learn how to interact here, as part of my healing process, for PMO, porn, internet addiction, and procrastination.  That tends to be the problem for me with all online communities.  It is the AA meeting at the local saloon.  I have to go in and "have a drink" in order to interact with a support group. 

I have tried to garner support from a private journal, offline.  The problem is that if feeds the loneliness and self-loathing, and ALWAYS devolves into something unhealthy, hateful, and counterproductive.  That was the whole concept behind "taking it public," that I would let go of my secrets and let it all out in public (at least anonymously), so that I could get out of my own mind (even when outsourced to a journal ... Day One).

I have tried the idea that I would just post when not a work.  The problem is one and the same with porn ... The involvement sticks with you.  You think about it offline.  You mentally interact with it, rolling it over in your mind.  You think about the people.  The lack of self-control can turn any tool into an injury-causing apparatus.

The only thing that definitely works is the Self Control App, which (unfortunately) kills all internet access, even the kind that I need (legitimate online research and resources, email, sharing documents, even my printing is tied to the internet).  I keep thinking that I can be mature enough and responsible enough to simply not use the internet, even though access is readily available.  And I keep failing.

I think I am going to have to suffer through the lack of access and just keep activating the kill switch.  Until I develop the self-discipline and self-confidence to access the internet in a limited and appropriate way, I think I am going to remove it entirely as an option. 

So sick of this ...