Taking the Fight Public - My Reboot

[Chile]

I'm sorry for your struggles Switch. I can relate to your frustrations. It seems like you might be beating yourself up a lot. I still have a long way to go but I benefited from adding a "clinical" approach to porn, internet addiction, etc. I don't feel as crappy as I used to when I fall. Granted, I still feel really awful, but I haven't been crashing into the big relapses like I used to. Keep getting back up my friend. There is a good chance you will stumble several more times as you reboot but that doesn't mean you're not making important progress.

 

[Switch]

Thanks for the response and support, Chile.

I know you are right.  I beat myself up a lot.  It started as a useful tool ... It was how I pushed myself to achievement, demanding that I work harder, longer, smarter, etc.  It evolved into setting specific goals, specific action plans, and committing to specific behaviors (do this, not that), which I can never actually live up to.

And that is the problem.  This methodology works on some levels, but it also destroys me on a daily basis.  I am perpetually dissatisfied with who I am and what i do.  In the last 18 months, I have done some of the best and most successful work in my career, I have gotten myself into perhaps the best physical fitness since my mid-20's, I have pulled myself out of debt, and my marriage and family relations have never been stronger. 

And yet, inside of me, in the quiet of my own mind, I STILL feel like a failure ... When I drink alcohol on the weekend, I sometimes "binge" drink (7-8 drinks) ... I miss workouts that I need (I am training for something big) ... I spent months and months, burning work time while I struggled with gender identity issues and crossdressing (wearing her clothes) and PMO, made 1,000 times worse because I had to hide it from the one person with whom I confide everything (my wife) ... But perhaps worse than even PMO, I have struggled with terrible chronic procrastination.

Today is a perfect example ... I came into the office, on a Saturday, to finish up some projects and get caught up on some admin work.  I have been here for 2? hours and I have done exactly ZERO work.  I could have done 10,000 other things, more enjoyable things, more productive things ... I could have spend more time with my family, or getting in a workout, or knocking out a home project, and on and on.  Instead, I burned my time (need to leave here in an hour), like fire to tissue paper, just gone with nothing left but ashes.  There is nothing I can do to get it back ... And no matter what I tell myself, no matter how positive or upbeat or "big picture" I try to get, this day will be a "loss" in my mind because I failed to do what I wanted to do, need to do.  Now, I am going to have to come in tomorrow to do what I was suppose to do today.

Worse still, in about an hour, my wife is going to ask me, "How are you?  Were you productive?  Did you get everything done" or something like that, just making conversation, as she knows that is what I want to be true.  And I am going to have to lie or equivocate to her ... I cannot bring myself to say, "No, I sat in my office and surfed the internet.  So now, I have to burn tomorrow as well because I did not do anything of substance today."  Because of this failure, really no matter what I do with the rest of the day, this is what will stick in my mind ... I failed.

The good news is that I have not looked at any pornographic websites since I found this website, and I am going on a week without porn.  I did wake up this morning, strangely thinking about a specific porn video that I watched two months ago (CD porn).  I did nothing with the thought/fantasy, other than to think about how powerful the attraction and imagery must be in order to resonate months later.  I am hoping that, some time this weekend, real sex is in the cards with my wife, both to see where I am with this (I honestly feel okay physiologically after just a week without porn) AND because the lack of sex weakens my resolve against porn/PMO and cranks up the Rationalization Making Machine (I need sex, I am entitled to sex, I can't keep waiting for her, etc.).

I am going to try to not be online until Monday night.  I will check back in then.

 

[Chile]

Good luck in staying offline Switch, at least with the stuff that wastes your time. I get what you`re saying and even understand why you say you failed today. Man, this reboot thing is sometimes sweet and sometimes a really difficult glance in the mirror. For me, it helps not to get too high or too low. I have some days where things are really clear and others where I don't even know why I'm doing this. That just blows my mind...still not knowing why I'm rebooting after all the crap , waste, and destruction porn has ushered into my life. That`s why I keep coming back to this page, like a retarded kid who needs to be constantly reminded. You`re thinking in the right direction and making steps that way as well. Don't give up!

 

[Switch]

I agree, Chile.  While I have nothing of substance to back this up, I feel like I am making progress, at least on the pornography, PMO, and CD side of things.

My wife and I had too-late-at-night, but both-know-its-been-too-long sex last night, and fortunately, I was able to work through the DE issues.  I think there is something about either my mind/thinking and/or CD issues and/or the porn, that has thrown off our timing/rhythm.  She has had no issues, but last night, I felt like I really has to "work" to catch up to her.

But as I noted in another journal, I feel like I need to "reboot" my sex life as well, and take some personal responsibility for creating a more satisfying sex life ... better sex, more often, more romantic.  I want more romance, more foreplay, more "lust" (for lack of a better word).  I want to feel like she cannot keep her hands off of me, instead of it being 90/10 the other way.  I think we have routine sex because, well, that is the established routine.  So my solution is a romantic getaway ... change of location, just the two of us, kind of thing, which I am certain will work (has in the past), BUT ... I am going to try to broach some of these topics and issues during that time AND try to bring it back home, so to speak.  She needs to know that I am tired of 11:30 p.m., both already exhausted and yawning, disrobe-and-go type sex.  I want more, and she should want more. 

I still do not know what roll, if any, the crossdressing fetish will play.  On one hand, over the past few months, I think I have come to terms with the fact that I have a feminine side to my personality ... I am a romantic.  I am sensitive and sympathetic (sometimes overly so).  I want to sweep her off her feet, but I also want her to make the same effort.  In the immortal words of Cheap Trick, I want her to want me, with the same primordial passion and lust that I feel for her ... and if she cannot get there, than whatever and wherever she CAN get to.  If she broaches the topic (and a part of me wonders if she does not already know or suspect, on some level), I will be honest with her and lay my cards on the table.

Last, but certainly not least, I have to figure out better strategies for overcoming my chronic procrastination.  It drags me down to a bad place, mentally and emotionally, and strangles the enjoyment of life out of me.  I am just so tired of it.  But the only known cure for chronic procrastination is will power ... which is like saying the only known cure for alcoholism is abstinence ... all very rational, but not very helpful in the moment.

 

[Christ My Savior]

Hey Switch,

I joined this site in February? my battle with PMO is a mighty one as well but I will tell you this: focus on the man you want to be. I call this "The Ideal Me". I wrote down the type of man I want to be. I think about this a lot know and every time I get the urge, I tell myself "porn is dead" and I think about the man I prefer to be and then I act on something that that ideal me would do.

I too spend a lot of time alone? I have my own business as well and can work from home so the temptation is always there but I`ve been getting myself out of the house more and in your situation, you may want to try that or if you work in an office, how about moving your office to a more public area? How about an open door policy? take the damn door off the hinges if you have to! Also, trying making rounds every hour and walking around the office to check in with people, some small talk, etc? nothing distracting but definitely a way to get yourself into the public and socializing a bit more.

Porn is a means of connecting for me. I discovered this recently? I yearn for social interaction during the day and when I cannot get it, I turned to porn. Notice I use pass tense there? I`m no longer that person and I encourage you to start using terminology that is self empowering. Also, we are all coming from less than perfect pasts and habits but you know what? we`re human, we`re growing. We`re getting smarter and more effective in how we deal with stress and PMO`ing. Lets start focusing on the man you want to be and start acting like him NOW.

It sounds like you have a lot going for you with family and a successful career so start focusing on how you can extend that success to your own personal health.

And lastly, you`re absolutely right when you say you`re fighting something internal. That something internal is a thought. Changed your thoughts my friend and the rest will follow. 

 

[Switch]

I am going to break down my "big commitments" into more manageable bites. 

Here are my goals for today:

1.  Six Hours - No Internet.  I am going to stay off of the internet between 10:30-12:30 p.m. and 1-5 p.m., using the Self Control App.  I have a separate laptop with me, in my car, in case there is any genuine crisis, requiring internet access after I killed it.  And more broadly, I am going to use this app throughout the week.  I need help, keeping my commitment to free myself from mindless internet surfing, of all kinds and nature, even if it means I have to disable the internet to make it happen.

2.  Workout.  I am working out tonight from 5-7 p.m.  I have must stuff in the car, I have a spinning class scheduled, and I have told everyone what I am doing.

3.  Romance.  I am going to try to do something "romantic" today.  Yesterday, I bought my wife flowers.  Today, it will be something else (not necessarily a purchase, just something that let's her know I am thinking of her).

4.  Meditation/Mindfulness.  I am going to practice meditation for 10 minutes at lunch time.  The more I read about these topics, the more I think these may be valuable tools in my struggles with procrastination and PMO.

There are my goals for this week.

1.  Limited Internet Access.  I am going to increase the "Self Control" period by 10 minutes each day this week, until I work my way up to seven hours.

2.  Daily Workouts.  I am going to workout every day this week, without any exceptions or excuses or rationalizations.  I am also going to revise and update my broad training plan to get back on track.

3.  Plan/Book the Getaway.  I am going to finish planning and booking a getaway trip with my wife.

4.  Daily Meditation.  I am going to meditate every day, for up to 10 minutes. 

I have thought about it, studied it, and put all of the needed resources in place.  I will check back in later in the week to update my progress.

 

[Switch]

Haphazard "success" today ...

I did not use the Self Control App, except for an hour of time, because I needed to send and receive certain emails and use the internet for work-related matters.  But the truth is that, for every 15-30 minutes of proper use, I spent an equal or greater amount of time surfing the internet, posting comments on various news websites, etc.  So got some work done, but it was a struggle and passed the soft "deadline" I promised to the client. 

I perpetually over-promise and under-deliver to my client.  It is just ridiculous and unprofessional, and it drives me personally crazy when it is done to me, so I am certain my own clients feel the same way.  I lie to them and tell them how busy I am, how I am pressed with other projects and deadlines, and I apologize.  But the reality is that ... I am burning large chunks of my day on the internet.  I am seeking out distraction.

Really frustrated ... It should be simple, just doing what I am suppose to be doing, when I am suppose to be doing it, but it gets jumbled in translation and practice. 

Off to workout.  More tomorrow

 

[Switch]

Just so angry at myself, so disappointed ... I do not know what is wrong with me.  I feel like I keep doing the same things, over and over and over again, knowing that it produces the same results.  Stress and boredom and loneliness, produce mindless online surfing, which ultimate leads me to pornography.  It is just f-ing ridiculous. 

I think part of the problem could be that I am trying to take on too much of my bad behavior, but it is just a jumbled mess, all intertwined.  Stress leads to procrastination, procrastination causes more stress.  Working isolated in my office causes feelings of loneliness and lack of accountability and responsibility, leading me to irresponsible behavior.  Internet access leads to mindless surfing because, at least in my current mental state and immaturity, I cannot responsibly use the internet for work, but hitting the kill switch (Self Control) leaves me without access to client communications, unable to send and receive emails, unable to get information I need to work.

At some point, I feel like I have to hit rock bottom.  At some point, my own disgust and anger and self-loathing have to reach a point where I can fight these inner demons, without getting knocked on my ass.  So completely tired of failure ... failing myself.  I hope that is now.  I hope that is today.

And I leave with this one thought ... If I cannot get through, if I cannot leverage my personal commitment and online support to break through and change my behavior, it may be time to seek out professional help/therapy.  I cannot keep living this way.

Sorry to all who are battling as I know the last thing you need is weak allies.  I will start again tomorrow with Day 1.

 

[Chile]

Switch, we are ALL weak allies. It's never good to do the things we know we hate, but keep getting up even if it only means not giving up. Counseling sounds like a good idea...any and all weapons should be brought into this struggle. Remember, it is a struggle and it's going to take time to reboot. Rebooting is a very uneven process so don't give up!

 

[Christ My Savior]

Just so angry at myself, so disappointed ... I do not know what is wrong with me.  I feel like I keep doing the same things, over and over and over again, knowing that it produces the same results.  Stress and boredom and loneliness, produce mindless online surfing, which ultimate leads me to pornography.  It is just f-ing ridiculous. 

I think part of the problem could be that I am trying to take on too much of my bad behavior, but it is just a jumbled mess, all intertwined.  Stress leads to procrastination, procrastination causes more stress.  Working isolated in my office causes feelings of loneliness and lack of accountability and responsibility, leading me to irresponsible behavior.  Internet access leads to mindless surfing because, at least in my current mental state and immaturity, I cannot responsibly use the internet for work, but hitting the kill switch (Self Control) leaves me without access to client communications, unable to send and receive emails, unable to get information I need to work.

At some point, I feel like I have to hit rock bottom.  At some point, my own disgust and anger and self-loathing have to reach a point where I can fight these inner demons, without getting knocked on my ass.  So completely tired of failure ... failing myself.  I hope that is now.  I hope that is today.

And I leave with this one thought ... If I cannot get through, if I cannot leverage my personal commitment and online support to break through and change my behavior, it may be time to seek out professional help/therapy.  I cannot keep living this way.

Sorry to all who are battling as I know the last thing you need is weak allies.  I will start again tomorrow with Day 1.

Switch,

I can`t tell you how many times I tried to quit PMO. I always fell back into it even after 6 months. I thought the struggle was over but I fell so fast and easily. Its a drug. And its everywhere and its free which makes it even harder to give up because it really is about self control and discipling the mind. Stay the course and most importantly, learn to forgive yourself. Accept that P is your weakness. Acknowledge it and then remind yourself that when we overcome our greatest weaknesses and fears, we are on the course of mastery and greatness.

P is the darkest thing in my life. Its the one thing I`m afraid to admit to anyone, even my wife even though she knows I watch but she doesn`t know the extent. This is a road many of us are traveling and you are not alone.

You are not alone.

Yeah I said that twice? because I want you to understand that.

CMS

 

[Switch]

Chile and CMS -

Thank you again for your support and compassion.  I have had very little of that for myself these past few days.  I have always struggled with self-esteem issues, and I cannot "turn off" the negative voice inside my head.

Today started great ... woke up early, got in a great workout, got to work, steered clear of anything pornographic.  My assistant left a lunch (half-day).  Came back from lunch, found myself alone in my office ... and the cycle continues.  I know my triggers.  I know that PMO is a temporary shot of dopamine, followed by hours of anger, disappointment, depression, and self-loathing.  All I can think is that, on some level, I am trying to cause myself to suffer pain, to experience these emotional problems, because rationally, I know they follow PMO as surely as night follows day.

I went one solid week without PMO when I was checking in here daily, instead of my private journal.  I am going to try that approach again.  On the positive, this weekend presents a great opportunity to "jump start" this effort again because I will be away from work and busy with family.

I promise to be stronger. 

 

[Chile]

I know my triggers.  I know that PMO is a temporary shot of dopamine, followed by hours of anger, disappointment, depression, and self-loathing.  All I can think is that, on some level, I am trying to cause myself to suffer pain, to experience these emotional problems, because rationally, I know they follow PMO as surely as night follows day.

Switch, it's good that you realize you are trying to cause pain for yourself on some level. Again, maybe a professional counselor can help you with this. Part of my reboot is learning to ignore the "before" photo that lies to me about porn and look instead at the "after" picture which you described very well. This is a deep-seated addiction for all of us and won't go away easily. It is so important to start looking at this clinically so that you can stop beating yourself up and learn to be more effective in the fight. I believe you will greatly benefit from distancing your emotions from your behavior, even if it's just a little bit of distance.

 

[Christ My Savior]

Chile and CMS -

Thank you again for your support and compassion.  I have had very little of that for myself these past few days.  I have always struggled with self-esteem issues, and I cannot "turn off" the negative voice inside my head.

Today started great ... woke up early, got in a great workout, got to work, steered clear of anything pornographic.  My assistant left a lunch (half-day).  Came back from lunch, found myself alone in my office ... and the cycle continues.  I know my triggers.  I know that PMO is a temporary shot of dopamine, followed by hours of anger, disappointment, depression, and self-loathing.  All I can think is that, on some level, I am trying to cause myself to suffer pain, to experience these emotional problems, because rationally, I know they follow PMO as surely as night follows day.

I went one solid week without PMO when I was checking in here daily, instead of my private journal.  I am going to try that approach again.  On the positive, this weekend presents a great opportunity to "jump start" this effort again because I will be away from work and busy with family.

I promise to be stronger.

Switch,

I just finished reading a book called the Magic of Faith?. you can hear Chapter 1 here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3blNABjbknQ

You can also get the book on Amazon. Honestly, I`ve read self-help books since I was 22 and this is one of the top 10 books. I encourage you to get it. The first chapter really makes some great points. Just listen and you`ll see. The last chapter gives a great technique to use to change your bad habits which you and I and everyone has.

Be easy on yourself. Be patient. Love yourself, forgive yourself.

CMS

 

[Chile]

Be easy on yourself. Be patient. Love yourself, forgive yourself.

Great advice CMS!