Really Screwed Up!

[I@andothis]

After having more that 200+ days free of porn, I got sucked back down into the trenches and it sucks.

I had to set the counter back to zero today, so it's been a tough one.  I know I'll get through it, but......  Actually, I should have set the counter back to zero about three weeks ago.  Thought my one night of fapping wasn't enough to do a reset but then there was another day and then another.  This morning while talking with my wife on the phone I even had it up on the screen.  HOW STUPID COULD I BE?

I don't have time to go into all the details right now about how I let me defenses down, I'll try to post that later on.  Right now just trying to deal with a lot of the old depressive feelings that I thought were long gone.

 

[lapdog]

Don't bog yourself down in the depressive feelings of "how did I do this?" I've attempted many reboots only to relapse with the old "its just for tonight" or "its just this one time" and it ends up being a 3 week bender. It happens. If you've made 200 days then you'll make another. Pick yourself up, wipe yourself off (literally maybe, haha!) and just start over. We all understand the struggle and are here to encourage you.

 

[Hampton23666]

I agree with lapdog.....guilt serves no useful purpose. You made a mistake just like the rest of us but you can beat this.....time to get back in the wagon!

 

[I@andothis]

Lapdog and Hampton-

Thanks for the encouraging words.  I really appreciate it. 

Even though "life" got in the way and pulled my wife and I apart for the last three months, I just got off the phone with her and mentioned we need to schedule a weekend away so we can just spend time with each other.  No kids, in-laws, work, etc.  She was pretty excited about that. 

Things will continue to get better, I just need to get past today.

Thanks again.

 

[challenged]

200+ days is awesome.  That's more than 6 months!!  Don't let one slip-up bring you down.  Focus on the victory you achieved and moving forward.

 

[ianmac]

Icandothis,

Being vulnerable and admitting you relapsed is all part of the recovery process.  What these other guys are saying is right.  Look forward and keep beating this one day at a time.  It's OK to learn from the past, but don't wallow in it.  It does exactly NO good.  Excellent on the 200-day run.  You're still in this.

Ian

 

[DanteKO]

Don't feel guilty or ashamed about it, that will only make things worse. Just get yourself back up and begin taking tentative steps to see what you could improve from the last time. If you can go through 200 days you most certainly can bring the momentum back up again. It does feel painful to lapse again after such a long streak, but it happens to all of us. Keep going at it.

 

[I@andothis]

Thanks to everyone for the encouraging and kin words. 

Now on day 2 and feeling much better to tackle the day.

Last night was a much better night.  My wife and I are planning a weekend away just to spend time away from "life" and recharge.  Hopefully all of the plans for this particular weekend will come together.

Thanks again.

 

[lyon03]

We're all just a click, zip, and a fap away brother so don't get down on yourself. You've owned it, shared it, and re-started your counter. Here is to beating your previous record. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[sodonewithit]

Best part is just saying whoops and moving on.  Glad to hear you say its a bummer vs hearing you dislocated a wrist

 

[I@andothis]

Excuse the pun, but it sounds like everyone is recommending a "quick down and a quick up."  Another words, as sodonewithit mentioned, I'm "...moving on."

I've been thinking about how this mis-step happened in the first place and it seems that I simply let me defenses down.  I got so wrapped up in what was happening around me that I forgot to spend time and focus on the important things that really matter in my life: my wife, kids, relationship with Christ and my own mental, physical and spiritual health.  I let porn take a higher priority and that was wrong. 

Well, I'm on day two and "...movin' on."  My counter is re-set and I'll be spending some time to reflect on what happened with the goal of creating a better defensive plan to that this will hopefully not happen again.

Blessings to all on this journey.

 

[Leon]

Icandothis, it is such an impressive and emulative thing that you've accomplished- 200 plus days! That has not all been set to zero.

All your hard won abstinence was not for nothing, you are not at square 1 with your reboot, especially with your recovery. Sure, the counter says, X-amount of days, but that doesn't truly reflect the progress you've made.

What is does show, as others have said, is that you're someone who won't stay down, but you get right back up and fight. It shows that you're not into this relapse-crap, but instead, you're into learning lessons from what might have tripped you up, how you might have let your defenses down, as you said.

My (experienced) advice would be to trace it back as far as you can, in terms of days or weeks, and study any emotional cues - not just the external sexual stimuli. It could also be a dream, or a memory that went unchecked, etc...

As your name says, You can do this.

With you brother, 100% This, too, shall pass!

 

[I@andothis]

Leon- thanks for the encouraging support.  I'm really needing it this morning - lot's of anxiety about work and a new men's group I will be joining this evening.

I can definitely trace things back to the beginning of this year.  My wife had a hysterectomy and we had to abstain from intimacy for 8 weeks.  Towards the end of the 8 weeks we began to plan a weekend get away at a hotel that has the themed rooms.  My first mistake was allowing myself to drift off into intense sexual fantasies with my wife for this particular weekend.  When appropriate, my wife and I would be talking on the phone about our weekend get away, once again in detail. Then it happened... LIFE! At the last moment both of our work schedules changed.  Then our plans began to un-ravel with the family, kids, in-laws, etc.  We re--scheduled the weekend away only to cancel it once again.  There was so much sexual tension over several weeks that had built up that eventually I took an "I don't care attitude."  I had begun to focus on so many other distracting things over the past several months that I put my "recovery" on the back burner.

But, as everyone is advising, I will not let a few weeks of selfishness stop me from gaining ground.  This, if anything, just means I have some new lessons to learn so that they do not get repeated again.  The race doesn't have to be won in a day... but I do have to keep running, walking, jogging, etc. since I am still in the race.

Day 3, here I come.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me....... 

Thanks for all the encouraging words and my each of you be blessed in your journey.

I@andothis.

 

[notgivinup]

Icandothis....I just read this thread from the start....wow.

I am encouraged today by your journey. You are not letting this take you down.

I had a difficult night last night and at times was taking the "I don't care" attitude....was a difficult night.

But, seeing this today is a HUGE help and encouragement to me. Seeing what other men have written, and how you are responding and moving on.

You aren't letting this destroy your awesome reboot. Congratulations on the 200+ days, btw. That is awesome.

I am looking forward to see more of your journey and success.

Thank you for posting and for owning it and for getting up and going on. That is impressive and inspiring.

Thank you.

pmo is NOT an option.

 

[I@andothis]

Lessons I am learning from my reboot.

There are a lot of lessons to be learned that I am forcing myself to look at.  I'll attempt to share one at a time.

One of the first lessons is learning to NOT take on this battle by myself.  For most of my life I have felt more comfortable doing things on my own.  Over the years I have allowed a thought to creep into my sub-conscious telling me that groups of people, large or small, can be scary.  I have also fed into the lie that its okay to look like I have it all together on the outside even though I'm miserable on the inside.  For example, in years past I could easily stand up in front of a large group and lead them in a particular subject.  Audience members would approach me afterwards and thank me for doing such a great job and they really appreciated what I had shared.  Or, I could be with my family throughout the day and try to have a lot of fun because of the activity we are doing only to retreat to a private area of the house when everyone went to bed and then spend hours on the computer looking at porn and masturbating.

What those around me did not know is on the inside I was absolutely miserable.  I was miserable because I was hiding the secret of my porn addiction from possibly those that might have been interested in me as a real person with real life problems.  None the less, I went into hiding.  Over time, the solitude felt real good.

It is my believe that no man can carry such a burden as an addiction to PMO by himself and not be affected by it internally or externally.  Sooner or later, it will rise to the surface.

So, how am I dealing with this fear? My first step was to become a member of Reboot Nation.  The words of encouragement and support I have found hear is amazing.  Another way I am facing my fear is by joining a men's group called Iron Sharpens Iron.  This men's group is associated with a new church my family and I are now attending and last night was the first meeting.  My blood pressure felt like it was going through the roof but I made it through.  Even though I am a little apprehensive about getting involved I will still press on.

Since my only strategy to porn was "Just say NO" really didn't work, I think it's important for me to develop a newly foundational strategy that I can use on a daily basis and especially during those tough times.

1. Develop close friendships built on trust and respect for accountability purposes.  It sounds strange that as a 52 year old man I need accountability but the results of my poor decisions in the past show the need.  Wrap yourself in the arms of your family.  When on this journey we call life, walk down the path with another that will walk with you.  We were never put here on this earth to walk alone.  If crying out to God for help is something you are comfortable in doing, please know that He is always with you and will never leave you. 

Blessings to all and remember,.... if I@andoithis, then so can you.

 

[I@andothis]

having a really tough moment right now..... lot's of brain fog and feeling like I just want to shut down.  Wife and I were trying to have an intimate moment this morning and I was so distracted from the email and phone ringing and beeping.  Wasn't able to finish things off.  And right now I'm all tensed up and trying to just figure out the next minute or so. 

I know I'll make it through this, it's just tough right now.  Guess it would have helped if I could have remembered how fun the "recovery" was when I jumped off the band wagon several weeks ago.

 

[Chile]

You will be OK Icandothis. Just like you said, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I felt your loss when you had to reboot after 200 days, but the bigger truth is you are walking in a totally new direction in your life. I am not going to beat myself up whenever I mess up anymore, so this last time I just re-set my counter and didn't even post the details. I can see the pretty deep and painful reasons that caused the re-set, I just don't want to stay focused on them anymore, especially after I know why it happened.

You are in my prayers today brother! You are NOT where you started, even with the painful re-set. Peace!