I was told its a good idea to keep a journal so I thought I'd start by introducing myself here.
I didn't think I was a sex addict because I thought sex addicts were people that masturbate three times a day and cannot think of anything else. From the age of about 26 I found it pretty easy to attain sex and it's been a big focus on my life ever since. I'm 34 now, and when I think about all the crazy stuff I've done, I find it strange that it didn?t occur to me earlier that this is a real problem. My motto when going out for a long time was 'get high or get laid' which means one of the two was the priority on any given night. Getting high meant cocaine. Getting laid meant getting laid.
I've been following the no-porn program for about 3 weeks now, but I've been cheating because I'm looking at pictures of girls I once slept with and I have hundreds of them ( I selected a couple dozen), so no internet-porn but still pictures of girls. I still masturbate and I don't feel like there has been that much difference in how I see woman.
What I would really like to do is indeed 're-boot'. I consider the way I see the opposite sex really corrupted and wrong. I'm somewhere between a porn-addict and a sex addict (is there actually a difference between the 2?). I've never experience erectile-dysfunction, but porn has definitely affected my sex life. I've lost interest in girls halfway through the act many times, or had to think of a sex scene I watched on porn in order to climax. In the not-too-distant past, one of my favourite things to do was to leave a party with some drugs in my pocket and spend hours and hours watching porn while finishing off the drugs and chain-smoking. I would sit there in a trance-like state for hours trying to find that 'perfect video'. I remember how awful I used to feel when I climaxed and would go to bed feeling like the worst person in the world, but even that feeling went away, meaning I became desensitized to that post-climax depression, which is a scarey thought.
This sexual compulsion has caused me to miss a lot of sunny days (sleeping until the late afternoons or even the evening) and important appointments. I've noticed that girls I sleep with now don't really want to see me again, and I think it's because of the way I have sex, which I imagine is very detached and selfish. My compulsion has also, naturally, prevented me from having any meaningful relationships. I lose interest in people very, very quickly. I've noticed that I only really like girls that aren't interested in me, it's the whole hunting ritual thing I guess.
I've suffered from a lot of depression in my life, and incredibly low-self esteem/ lack of confidence. When I'm flirting with a girl I feel so alive and in the moment, Its a huge endorphin rush. In a way I feel free and good and happy. It's not only about sex, sex is what's driving me but when you're courting a girl, you are also connecting with that person and I really like that.
I've slept with so many girls in the small city where I live, that I've gained a reputation and it's made me completely paranoid. Obviously my reputation is understandable, but it makes it very hard to get to know someone even when you have the best intentions. And lately I really do have good intentions. It?s gotten to the point that I feel it might be in my best interest to move.
I would really like to step out of this whole thing. I would like a healthy relationship. I want to do good with my life and be a good person. I'm really not sure how deep this sexual compulsion goes though. I'm pretty sure that my dad was a sex-addict, as he had many, many affairs. Can sexual addiction be cured or is it a part of one's personality? About a year ago I thought I was a sociopath because I felt I lacked empathy and because I was so selfish and because all my friendships and relationships always fell apart, but now I'm not sure, I think I'm too sensitive to be a sociopath. I think the detachment and selfishness might simply be a defence-mechanism.
I guess I would like some support here because I'm really not ready to share this with people I know. I also don't have any close friends, which is another big part of my unhappiness. I hope this story might help others who are able to relate to it. I'd like to stick around and hear other peoples stories and how they are progressing and share how I'm progressing. It would be really great to have a support group, because I don't think I can do this on my own.
Thoughts anyone?
Cheers
I didn't think I was a sex addict because I thought sex addicts were people that masturbate three times a day and cannot think of anything else. From the age of about 26 I found it pretty easy to attain sex and it's been a big focus on my life ever since. I'm 34 now, and when I think about all the crazy stuff I've done, I find it strange that it didn?t occur to me earlier that this is a real problem. My motto when going out for a long time was 'get high or get laid' which means one of the two was the priority on any given night. Getting high meant cocaine. Getting laid meant getting laid.
I've been following the no-porn program for about 3 weeks now, but I've been cheating because I'm looking at pictures of girls I once slept with and I have hundreds of them ( I selected a couple dozen), so no internet-porn but still pictures of girls. I still masturbate and I don't feel like there has been that much difference in how I see woman.
What I would really like to do is indeed 're-boot'. I consider the way I see the opposite sex really corrupted and wrong. I'm somewhere between a porn-addict and a sex addict (is there actually a difference between the 2?). I've never experience erectile-dysfunction, but porn has definitely affected my sex life. I've lost interest in girls halfway through the act many times, or had to think of a sex scene I watched on porn in order to climax. In the not-too-distant past, one of my favourite things to do was to leave a party with some drugs in my pocket and spend hours and hours watching porn while finishing off the drugs and chain-smoking. I would sit there in a trance-like state for hours trying to find that 'perfect video'. I remember how awful I used to feel when I climaxed and would go to bed feeling like the worst person in the world, but even that feeling went away, meaning I became desensitized to that post-climax depression, which is a scarey thought.
This sexual compulsion has caused me to miss a lot of sunny days (sleeping until the late afternoons or even the evening) and important appointments. I've noticed that girls I sleep with now don't really want to see me again, and I think it's because of the way I have sex, which I imagine is very detached and selfish. My compulsion has also, naturally, prevented me from having any meaningful relationships. I lose interest in people very, very quickly. I've noticed that I only really like girls that aren't interested in me, it's the whole hunting ritual thing I guess.
I've suffered from a lot of depression in my life, and incredibly low-self esteem/ lack of confidence. When I'm flirting with a girl I feel so alive and in the moment, Its a huge endorphin rush. In a way I feel free and good and happy. It's not only about sex, sex is what's driving me but when you're courting a girl, you are also connecting with that person and I really like that.
I've slept with so many girls in the small city where I live, that I've gained a reputation and it's made me completely paranoid. Obviously my reputation is understandable, but it makes it very hard to get to know someone even when you have the best intentions. And lately I really do have good intentions. It?s gotten to the point that I feel it might be in my best interest to move.
I would really like to step out of this whole thing. I would like a healthy relationship. I want to do good with my life and be a good person. I'm really not sure how deep this sexual compulsion goes though. I'm pretty sure that my dad was a sex-addict, as he had many, many affairs. Can sexual addiction be cured or is it a part of one's personality? About a year ago I thought I was a sociopath because I felt I lacked empathy and because I was so selfish and because all my friendships and relationships always fell apart, but now I'm not sure, I think I'm too sensitive to be a sociopath. I think the detachment and selfishness might simply be a defence-mechanism.
I guess I would like some support here because I'm really not ready to share this with people I know. I also don't have any close friends, which is another big part of my unhappiness. I hope this story might help others who are able to relate to it. I'd like to stick around and hear other peoples stories and how they are progressing and share how I'm progressing. It would be really great to have a support group, because I don't think I can do this on my own.
Thoughts anyone?
Cheers
