Hopeful for Recovery

Mal

Member
I guess I should tell my story.

I did not get into internet porn until a bit later in life. I'm 38 now and started masturbating when I was around 13 or 14. I have some vivid memories of discovering pornographic video tapes discarded by the side of the road while walking home form school. Id watch then feel guilty then throw them away. I usually masturbated without porn though a house my family rented had a stack of magazines the previous tenant left, which I used though I later threw them away. I grew up in a religious home so I did not have sex while in high school nor when I went away to college as it was a Christian one with some strict rules. I lived overseas for around 7 years then moved back to the US. I got tired of waiting and got into a sexual relationship. When I was with her things were generally fine but after we broke up I noticed that i had difficulty when with other girls. Later I was in a long distance relationship and became engaged and when we saw each other we would have sex. After we broke up and I called of the engagement I started using internet porn pretty regularly though I had been using it on and off since 2002. It became something I'd turn to after a difficult day, or when stressed and usually indulged twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. I would watch a clip and edge then back down, watch a clip and edge and then back down until finally orgasming. As I got older I started to notice that my erections weren't as full and i couldn't maintain them. I blew an opportunity with a beautiful woman when I couldn't even get hard. This threw me for a major loop and caused a lot of anxiety.

I haven't had sex or tried since that time about 4 years ago. Now I have a great relationship and am engaged to be married in July though my fiancee and I are not sexually active due to our religious convictions (which can be incredibly difficult at times lol). I probably have PIED, in fact I'm 100% sure I do, but I will be seeing my doctor very soon for a check up. I rarely achieve an erection though since I've been trying to do the reboot I've noticed my morning erections have returned but not strongly. I have had times where I would give up PMO for awhile then fall back into it. A few months ago I discovered YBOP and realized I needed to do something about it beyond just reading because I want to break the cycle and be able to please my wife once we're married, so I've joined the forums. Im hoping that my my sharing here will help keep me committed to the process of recovery and I hope that when July rolls around Ill have made a noticeable recovery. I'm 38 years old, in generally good health, no major issues except slightly high cholesteral and hope that this will work. Its time to stop the PMO and its time to leave porn behind once and for all.
 

Mal

Member
Before I signed up for the forum I had been keeping a calendar listing every day if I had NPNM or PMO'd. So second day on the board, 18th day porn free.

I'm a bit worried as in the past I have been able to get this far without PMO but then relapse and fall back into it. I'm hoping and praying that I can stay strong and keep from falling back into it. I had an incredibly good conversation with my fiancee this evening and opened up to her my current and past issues and she was surprisingly understanding. She reiterated her love for me and that she is willing to help walk with me through whatever troubles I may have. This lifted a massive burden off of me and I feel much better about it all and I'm hoping that will help me keep my momentum and remaining porn free.

 

Will500

Member
Hi Mal,

Sounds like you're doing great - keep on going.  Also good you're going to the Doctor.  P may be the cause of your problems with getting an erection, but there can be other causes so best to get it checked out.  I am not doing as well as I would like with my reboot.  But I do find prayer helpful.  I think its' important to remember that God loves you unconditionally, whatever you've done.  For me, that helps with feelings of shame - which definitely aren't helpful.

Wishing you the very best,
Will. 
 

Mal

Member
Thanks for the encouragement Will I appreciate it. I'm sorry that your reboot isn't going well as you would like. I hope and pray that you will be able to make the goals you have set for yourself.

Something that has been very helpful for me with regards to prayer is praying specific ones whenever the desire to look at porn starts to creep in. I've found some really great short ones that were easy to memorize and so I use them often. I have done a few practical things as well such as getting rid of my iPad, not bringing my smartphone into the bathroom, and getting rid of movies I have that could act as a trigger.

Today was a good day. I had a moment where some scenes I had watched in the past came to mind but instead of lingering on them I turned to praying those short prayers over and over again to myself and it subsided after a little while. Nineteen days porn free. I want more than anything to keep this going.
 
Every aspect of your life will be better from this journey.  Keep your eyes on the prize.  I had just started having PIED and I'm roughly 40 days into my new life style.  My PIED is way, way gone.  I do not yet get morning wood or spontaneous E's, but my penis now responds to kissing, normal touching, seeing my wife naked, cuddling, smells, thoughts of kissing her, rubbing her leg, body, etc.  I'd suggest making it a priority to do the small things with your fiance during your reboot period (if you aren't already).  Also, maybe get some good self-improvement literature on your phone that you can read whenever you have down time. 

Read some success stories and stay motivated!
 

Mal

Member
Thanks for the encouragement, much appreciated.

A big part of what I have been going through has been fear. The last time I tried to have sex it was a total failure and the girl wound up tossing me aside for another dude. A few years later now I'm engaged to a great woman and was stressed that things will be bad. My fiancee has been great and really eased my mind after a few conversations. The past week we've been a bit more touchy feely. I can feel some stirrings but nothing concrete yet. I realized that I can't let the fear rule me or I'll torpedo things before we even get into the bedroom.

Today I saw some bikini pics on Instagram that may not be the best to see so I have deleted Instagram as I don't want the hassle of having to be confronted by potential triggers. I do not want to fall back into the cycle. I am 20 days porn free and I need to keep going. (I should probably add that I'm attempting to not look at porn and to not masturbate for the full 90 days).
 

Mal

Member
Went to the doctor today. Examination went ok, nothing physical concerned him. He said my problem may be more psychological. I also was having some discomfort so he sent me to the lab for three tests one for testosterone, one for PSA (prostate stuff) and one for I think infection. I had a UTI in the past and mentioned this to him. He mentioned about the ED that he could prescribe me some pills to help but I won't make that decision until after more reboot time has passed.
 

Mal

Member
Got my results back from the lab pretty quickly. Testosterone levels are normal range but there seems to be a lingering infection so they prescribed me some Cipro. Hopefully this will help with some of the discomfort and clear away any bacteria. They said that any ED problems are probably more psychological in nature and said if things don't get better they'd try to put me on something for it. I don't want to go that route and Im hoping that after the 90 days (after which there's another 30 until I get married) things will have stabilized in my brain.

Urges have not been strong I don't know if that is flatline or if its because I have been avoiding anything that can act as a trigger.
 

Mal

Member
Today was a good day. Keeping busy and staying away from things that trigger me has been really helpful. One thing I used to do was when deleting spam messages in my email checking out some of the attached photos before deleting them. Bad idea as this would drive to then go to porn sites. I need to get outside and do something more often now that winter seems finally over. Often I was just PMO because eI was bored. I need to get in better shape anyways, this may be a good motivator.

23 days and counting.
 

Mal

Member
I've been off for a few days but everything is ok. Holy Week was a busy time for me.

I have thus far resisted the urge to look at porn. Yesterday I started thinking about scenes and particular women in those scenes but after a mental fight was able to put those out of my mind. This process has been difficult. One thing that has helped me say no to PMO has been my fiancee. She really is amazing and I want to be able to please her. The other thing that has helped me has been realizing that boredom was a trigger for me as well. If I was sitting around the house doing nothing I would get the urge to PMO so I try to stay active. If I play games I try to be in a party so I can talk while gaming. Little things like that have helped.
 

Mal

Member
Its been 31 days since my last PMO. I feel good about this as its the longest amount of time I've gone in a long time without PMOing. The last 2 days have been tough. The urge to look seems to have spiked a bit but so far I have been able to resist. In the past when I tried to stop I would justify any progress and then tell myself it was ok to look at pics online of bikini models or something. Then a bit later I'd be looking at porn. Been able to resist that urge as well. Hoping I'll be able to keep going strong.
 

Mal

Member
Thanks Pinkerton. Today has been a tough day for me. My mind is constantly at me and I keep thinking about different women I liked to PMO to online. Im posting this right now because I figure if I post here it will help keep me from relapsing. This is the longest I've gone in awhile and I hope if I can break through this ceiling then the 60 more days, and hopefully beyond, of the reboot will seem manageable.
 

Mal

Member
The past few days have been rough. Had an overwhelming urge this morning to not look at actual scene but to look at the Twitter page of a particular porn performer who doesn't post too explicit pics on there. Usually when I have done this it led me down the rabbit hole back into PMO. So I got up turned off my phone and did my prayer routine which helped and I didn't go to the page I was feeling urges to go look at. Somedays this process feels easy and some days it feels really hard and the trick is being extra cautious the days it feels easier. 35 days and counting.
 
Fight the urge to fantasize.  Fantasy brings on the urges to PMO.  You must not objectify women when looking at them.  Do not focus on the boobs,butt,hotness factor, etc.  Look at all of them like they are people and not pieces of meat. 

Bikini models, girls on craigslist, girls on facebook, girls on twitter/tinder all contribute to your problem and is porn.  Pornography (per wikipedia) is the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal.  This can be fully clothed girls, fantasies etc. 

Try to pick up a hobby/reading/working out and stay motivated my friend!  Physical exhaustion by working out/sports is always a good way to release tension!
 

Mal

Member
Thanks for the good advice. I removed Instagram from my phone and thus far have been strict with my FB & Twitter usage. Something that has really motivated me has been my fiancee. I'm doing this reboot for me but its also for her. She shouldn't have to put up with all the baggage I accrued from past relationships, she deserves a whole me, not a piecemeal me.

I have noticed lately that my my dreams have been different. I had an explicit one about a girl a week or two ago, an explicit one about my fiancee, and last night I had a dream in which I was being tempted and failing at not looking at online porn. The last dream rattled me a bit I choose to see it as a warning to stay on target.
 

Mal

Member
It's been a few days since I posted. I intended to try and post every day but I dont always succeed. So far though I have been successful in abstaining from PMO. Some days it's easy and some days it is an outright battle in my mind. I can't say I've had some of the other experienced as others seem to have, mental fog and so forth, but I def had ED problems from PMO. In some ways I feel better and in some ways I feel exactly the same. There have been signs of life down below when hugging, cuddling, and kissing my fianc?e which have been helpful in keeping me motivated to continue the 90 day reboot. Hopefully I will stay on course with this and keep going even after the 90 days. Goal after that will be another 90 and then another 90 and so on until I have a solid year. This seems impossible at times but if I spent a long time training myself in a destructive way I can learn to retrain in a positive way.
 

that1beachguy

Active Member
Hey Mal,
sounds like you're doing well, I just joined today and your experience has given me some things to watch out for, specifically triggers. Before I joined I too deleted instagram. I have since restarted it with only following posive and motivational saying... It keeps me sufficiently distracted. Keep up the good fight man.
 

Mal

Member
Thanks! Probably my biggest trigger is boredom. Lately I have been trying to stay active and busy, but thats when the urge is the strongest for me. Good luck to you as you try to give this up as well.
 

Mal

Member
58 days in with no PMO. This has been difficult. After "training" my body/mind for so long with PMO its been a struggle to not give in to old habits. Can't quit, won't quit.
 
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