SayYesToLife
Member
Mood Score: 4/10
Feeling: Frustrated, Uneasy, but Hopeful
It?s time I dedicate myself to spilling my FEELINGS out on a regular basis as a part of my recovery. As a man, my tendency towards stoic behavior and creating distance between my internal and external worlds is larger than I?d like it to be. I?ve decided that acknowledging my emotions on a daily basis will be key to discovering what it really means to be in recovery, what it means to be a man, and what it means to be a human.
I?m 30 years old and I?ve been actively trying to quit porn for 7 years since 2008. I can?t say I?ve had any traumatic life experiences-- I?ve lived a stable life, with a loving and supportive family, great friends, and I?ve shared decent connections with past girlfriends. I?m doctoral educated, enjoy an active lifestyle, and balance my life with musical hobbies.
At age 9 I discovered something really novel and exciting. The hazy adult television channel in my room was difficult to make out, but during the brief moments of clear picture I found the involuntary shocks of euphoria zapping through my body to take me to another world. In middle school my friends and I would exchange adult magazines and videos as my curiosity for women and sex grew to whole new levels. I was mesmerized by women and sex. As I grew more attached to the exhilarating bodily sensations, I found myself seeking porn on a daily basis. Anytime I was bored from studying, upset after an argument, or simply wanted to jolt my body into a pleasure mode, I knew I was only a few clicks away. I figured sex, women, and masturbation were all ?natural? and there was no harm in doing this regularly. I mean, what teenage boy wasn't doing it? You were probably WEIRD if you DIDN?T watch porn?.I would do anything to go back in time to tell myself the truth of the matter. Alas, here I am 20 years later feeling defeated that I can?t even control my own mind.
As internet porn emerged in high school, I found myself indulging in 3-5+ hours of porn daily, masturbating up to 6X per day. Despite this INSANELY large consumption, I continued to perform well in school, I was above average in popularity, and played competitive sports. I suppose my continued functionality is much of the reason why I was able to carry my porn habit through adulthood?damn it! I wonder if being a dysfunctional alcoholic would have smacked some sense into me earlier?! As my porn habit grew deeper, I found myself obsessing over sex, fantasizing at all times during the day, and spending hours on end browsing the internet. I can STILL remember vivid details from some of the first videos I?ve ever watched?it?s somewhat disturbing. COUNTLESS hours (well, YEARS at this point) and hundreds of THOUSANDS of photos. I distinctly remember engaging all 5 senses during my PMO sessions, successfully transforming a fantasy into vivid reality in my brain-- I *shudder* thinking about how deep rooted I?ve made this addiction.
As my addiction grew deeper, my tastes for porn morphed into more shocking material as I became unknowingly desensitized. In college my hobbies began to fade as my time viewing porn began to takeover. My social life became limited to: ?Is there any girls coming out? Will I have any sex opportunities tonight? No? Ok, then I?ll just stay in and fire up some porn??
I HATE how I treated my past girlfriends?so selfish and porn-influenced. I broke up with several girlfriends since age 20 because I could not find their bodies to be ?good enough? compared to the hyper-stimulating porn that my brain had been exposed to over many years. I would tell them to lose weight, or if they lacked tone then the opposite?to work out and tone up. I mean, I was NEVER satisfied EVER. To this day I struggle heavily with this and it is the reason why I am newly single once again. Despite my massive porn consumption and obsession with sexualizing everything I came across, it wasn?t until age 23 (2007) that I first experienced a devastating loss in sex drive. This prompted a one year period of frantic doctor visits and thousands of dollars of medical bills as I obsessed over possible ?low testosterone?.low thyroid levels?poor blood flow?failing adrenal glands?? and other utterly ridiculous and rare diseases that I would try to convince myself I had. I get really upset just thinking about this path I?ve undertaken in my 20s and here I am at age 30 still dealing with this. Have I not had enough??
It wasn?t until 2008 when I finally realized that I had strong urges to watch porn but low sex drive for real life women. I began constantly educating myself on porn addiction?my ?plan? was that I was going to learn about EVERY aspect of this addiction, and through my intellectuality (I mean I did great in school, didn?t I) I would defeat this addiction in a matter of months. Turns out, addiction recovery has little to do with accumulating scientific knowledge, but instead has everything to do with purpose and motivation. I installed an internet filter, attended online courses (Candeo), and even attended Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. I enjoyed a 6 month period of abstinence in 2010 when I went to weekly SAA meetings. I found the sense of community to promote the healing process. I stopped doing meetings in 2011 as I find it difficult to find consistent times to attend?.ugh, I hate that I?m making excuses though. Is this going to be a priority for me or what? Right now, I want to try to quit on my own with all the emotional awareness I?ve developed over the years. As a result I have reduced my porn intake significantly from daily sessions to now once every 6-8 weeks.
However, my recovery has reached a HARD PLATEAU. I?ve been relapsing every 2 months or so for the past 4 years despite all the books I?ve read, hobbies I?ve cultivated, emotional awareness I?ve created, and balance I?ve introduced into my life. Whether I am stressed out or gaining success in my abstinence, porn finds a way to creep back into my life. This has brought about true doubt in my ability to overcome porn addiction. I?m feeling like I?m at the end of my rope. I?ve lost great relationships and endless hours of my life to sexual fantasy. My sex drive continues to run low as I edge to fantasy and finally relapse every few weeks. My brain?s dopamine levels are shot and I can?t maintain or derive adequate stimulation from my girlfriends/relationships. I overly prioritize the attractiveness of a women?s body and it hinders my ability to create emotional connection. I AM TIRED OF IT. REALLY TIRED OF IT. I WANT FREEDOM. I WANT TO DISCOVER WHAT THE TRUE MEANING OF MASCULINITY IS ALL ABOUT.
At this point:
- I started the workshops at RecoveryNation.org about one month ago
-I want to introduce the concept of community into my healing and recovery by joining this forum
Please, join me in this fight for consciousness, fight for masculinity, fight for living freely and peacefully. It starts now. It starts today.
Feeling: Frustrated, Uneasy, but Hopeful
It?s time I dedicate myself to spilling my FEELINGS out on a regular basis as a part of my recovery. As a man, my tendency towards stoic behavior and creating distance between my internal and external worlds is larger than I?d like it to be. I?ve decided that acknowledging my emotions on a daily basis will be key to discovering what it really means to be in recovery, what it means to be a man, and what it means to be a human.
I?m 30 years old and I?ve been actively trying to quit porn for 7 years since 2008. I can?t say I?ve had any traumatic life experiences-- I?ve lived a stable life, with a loving and supportive family, great friends, and I?ve shared decent connections with past girlfriends. I?m doctoral educated, enjoy an active lifestyle, and balance my life with musical hobbies.
At age 9 I discovered something really novel and exciting. The hazy adult television channel in my room was difficult to make out, but during the brief moments of clear picture I found the involuntary shocks of euphoria zapping through my body to take me to another world. In middle school my friends and I would exchange adult magazines and videos as my curiosity for women and sex grew to whole new levels. I was mesmerized by women and sex. As I grew more attached to the exhilarating bodily sensations, I found myself seeking porn on a daily basis. Anytime I was bored from studying, upset after an argument, or simply wanted to jolt my body into a pleasure mode, I knew I was only a few clicks away. I figured sex, women, and masturbation were all ?natural? and there was no harm in doing this regularly. I mean, what teenage boy wasn't doing it? You were probably WEIRD if you DIDN?T watch porn?.I would do anything to go back in time to tell myself the truth of the matter. Alas, here I am 20 years later feeling defeated that I can?t even control my own mind.
As internet porn emerged in high school, I found myself indulging in 3-5+ hours of porn daily, masturbating up to 6X per day. Despite this INSANELY large consumption, I continued to perform well in school, I was above average in popularity, and played competitive sports. I suppose my continued functionality is much of the reason why I was able to carry my porn habit through adulthood?damn it! I wonder if being a dysfunctional alcoholic would have smacked some sense into me earlier?! As my porn habit grew deeper, I found myself obsessing over sex, fantasizing at all times during the day, and spending hours on end browsing the internet. I can STILL remember vivid details from some of the first videos I?ve ever watched?it?s somewhat disturbing. COUNTLESS hours (well, YEARS at this point) and hundreds of THOUSANDS of photos. I distinctly remember engaging all 5 senses during my PMO sessions, successfully transforming a fantasy into vivid reality in my brain-- I *shudder* thinking about how deep rooted I?ve made this addiction.
As my addiction grew deeper, my tastes for porn morphed into more shocking material as I became unknowingly desensitized. In college my hobbies began to fade as my time viewing porn began to takeover. My social life became limited to: ?Is there any girls coming out? Will I have any sex opportunities tonight? No? Ok, then I?ll just stay in and fire up some porn??
I HATE how I treated my past girlfriends?so selfish and porn-influenced. I broke up with several girlfriends since age 20 because I could not find their bodies to be ?good enough? compared to the hyper-stimulating porn that my brain had been exposed to over many years. I would tell them to lose weight, or if they lacked tone then the opposite?to work out and tone up. I mean, I was NEVER satisfied EVER. To this day I struggle heavily with this and it is the reason why I am newly single once again. Despite my massive porn consumption and obsession with sexualizing everything I came across, it wasn?t until age 23 (2007) that I first experienced a devastating loss in sex drive. This prompted a one year period of frantic doctor visits and thousands of dollars of medical bills as I obsessed over possible ?low testosterone?.low thyroid levels?poor blood flow?failing adrenal glands?? and other utterly ridiculous and rare diseases that I would try to convince myself I had. I get really upset just thinking about this path I?ve undertaken in my 20s and here I am at age 30 still dealing with this. Have I not had enough??
It wasn?t until 2008 when I finally realized that I had strong urges to watch porn but low sex drive for real life women. I began constantly educating myself on porn addiction?my ?plan? was that I was going to learn about EVERY aspect of this addiction, and through my intellectuality (I mean I did great in school, didn?t I) I would defeat this addiction in a matter of months. Turns out, addiction recovery has little to do with accumulating scientific knowledge, but instead has everything to do with purpose and motivation. I installed an internet filter, attended online courses (Candeo), and even attended Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. I enjoyed a 6 month period of abstinence in 2010 when I went to weekly SAA meetings. I found the sense of community to promote the healing process. I stopped doing meetings in 2011 as I find it difficult to find consistent times to attend?.ugh, I hate that I?m making excuses though. Is this going to be a priority for me or what? Right now, I want to try to quit on my own with all the emotional awareness I?ve developed over the years. As a result I have reduced my porn intake significantly from daily sessions to now once every 6-8 weeks.
However, my recovery has reached a HARD PLATEAU. I?ve been relapsing every 2 months or so for the past 4 years despite all the books I?ve read, hobbies I?ve cultivated, emotional awareness I?ve created, and balance I?ve introduced into my life. Whether I am stressed out or gaining success in my abstinence, porn finds a way to creep back into my life. This has brought about true doubt in my ability to overcome porn addiction. I?m feeling like I?m at the end of my rope. I?ve lost great relationships and endless hours of my life to sexual fantasy. My sex drive continues to run low as I edge to fantasy and finally relapse every few weeks. My brain?s dopamine levels are shot and I can?t maintain or derive adequate stimulation from my girlfriends/relationships. I overly prioritize the attractiveness of a women?s body and it hinders my ability to create emotional connection. I AM TIRED OF IT. REALLY TIRED OF IT. I WANT FREEDOM. I WANT TO DISCOVER WHAT THE TRUE MEANING OF MASCULINITY IS ALL ABOUT.
At this point:
- I started the workshops at RecoveryNation.org about one month ago
-I want to introduce the concept of community into my healing and recovery by joining this forum
Please, join me in this fight for consciousness, fight for masculinity, fight for living freely and peacefully. It starts now. It starts today.
