T
T-Ross83
Guest
Hey...I have just registered and think this might be a good idea to control my progress. By the way: I'm German...so sorry if my language sucks once in a while. More than a week ago I found the YourBrainOnPorn-Webpage and there were so many things that totally reflected my behavior. I have wondered for all my life why I can get a real hard erection in front of my computer but have to struggle very hard when I am in bed with someone that I find really attractive. The things I read about PIED sounded really plausible to me. So I descided to quit porn. I have been thinking about that idea for a long time but never really thought that it could improve my sex life. Just thought about the time I waste by watching porn (and the money). Around two weeks ago, I was able to quit for 4 days. During these 4 days I met a lot of friends and drank a lot of alcolhol while celebrating with them. So I was busy (and drunk) most of the time. After these four days I was lying on the couch and tried to get a hard-on just by imagination (hadn't read that this is also a bad idea yet at that point of time). I fell right back into my habbit and spent the next couple of hours in front of my PC. This went on for a couple of days. I thought I could quit porn and still keep my hard-drive with all the nice videos and images that I had been collecting for years. (It felt so wrong for me to delete it because I spent a lot of money for some of the things on that hard-drive.) But obviously that was not the case. It really was a hard task for me to mark the porn folder and press the delete-button. Since I ejaculated three times on the day I deleted all the stuff I slept quite well and didn't have any cravings. The first day without porn was also quite fine. I went to work, came home, cooked something for myself and spent the rest of the day reading stuff on this page and on YBOP. I have never had too many problems to quit porn for a day or two. But the second night was strange somehow. I dreamed a lot of strange stuff (one of them was that I started edging again). Maybe this happened because I knew that all my stuff that had given me so much pleasure over the years was gone. Today was also okay. Went to work, cooked, had a coffee with friends, got some stuff done and now I am writing.
I guess I actually started slipping into an abnormal sex life when I was still very young (maybe not much younger than 8 I guess). I recognized how pleasuring it was to rub my dick on the mattress in a prone position. As I have just found out on YBOP, I had already started to desensitize my penis back then because of the prone position. I am gay and I have a fetish that might appear a bit odd to some people maybe. But there have to be a lot of people who like that stuff. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many websites about it. I actually really like to see a hot guy wrestling or fighting and that kind of fetish began at a very young age, too. So I ask myself if it might be innate. Anyway, even before internet I started the habbit to collect pictures or videos that showed hot guys (or even better: a hot guy wrestling or fighting). So I kept every magazine where I found hot pictures and recorded every movie or TV show that showed some hot guys or naked handsome actors. Sometimes I spent hours in bed watching my magazines and wanking. Actually, before internet I had always thought that I am crazy somehow because of this wrestling thing. Never thought there could be others like that.
When I was 15, my parents got the first internet connection. But only for my dad's PC. I remember that the first thing I searched for, when my parents weren't at home, were pictures of naked men. Didn't find too many for free back then I remember. At some point I started searching for pictures of amatuer wrestling and I found a page with lots of pictures that really turned me on. I don't know why I came up with the idea but one day I copy-/pasted the URL of that page into yahoo (you maybe remember the time before google
). Then, I found a lot of links that said "gay wrestling" or something like that. There were two positive things about it. The first thing was that I thought I wasn't crazy for the first time. The second good thing were the pictures that I found behind these links. It wasn't just guys wrestling but guys wrestling in underwear, speedos or even naked. I remember that my heart started beating faster, I blushed and I had never been that turned on ever before. From that day on, I couldn't wait for my parents to leave the house. Each time I knew they would be gone for a couple of hours I would go to my dad's PC and watch these pictures again. Even though I think I have never gotten as excited as on the first day ever again.
When I got my own internet connection I started downloading pictures and spent more time searching for stuff on the internet because I could do it alone in my own room. The first sexual experience with a real person I had at the age of 19. I guess I had already been pretty desensitized at that point of time if I think about it. That person was a girl by the way. Never really admitted to myself that I was gay till I was 20. Very crazy somehow if you think about how much time I had already spent watching hot men on the internet. When she gave me BJs it actually felt really good. Never got such an intense feeling during a BJ again. So I thought: Maybe girls are better at that than guys. But the first BJ by a guy was almost two years of PMO later. Having read all the stuff on YBOP it somehow makes sense that I didn't feel that much anymore. Anyway, looking back I sometimes wondered how I managed to get a hard-on with a girl. Not only was I able to get a hard-on but also to put on a condom and stay in her until I came. I had to use a lot of imagination (thinking about guys) keeping my dick hard but still, it worked. There have been so many times when I wasn't able to put on a condom when I was in bed with a guy because my erection dropped. Thinking about it, there might have been two reasons:
1. I was on vacation back then and since I was around people most of the time I masturbated only once within 4 weeks (I guess that has been the lowest masturbation-rate within my whole life since I had started). So maybe I wasn't THAT desensitized at that point of time.
2. I knew after two weeks I would never see that girl again because she lived on a different continent so there was very low performance anxiety.
Today I am thirty. After more than 100 sex partners (some of them I found pretty hot) there was not one who gave me the same pleasure as sitting in front of my PC. I don't tell that number in order to brag. I guess it just shows how messed up my brain is when there wasn't even one who could compete with internet porn. And I guess my performance wasn't that good most of the times. There were some guys who still showed interest even after we had sex. But never those that I really liked. I don't know if I really have PIED because that means you don't get up at all, right? I am able to get it up most of the times but only when fantasizing about porn. Most of the times I wasn't able to keep an erection while putting on a condom. So I haven't fucked very often so far. Only BJs, Handjobs and all that other stuff. The more I liked a guy (which most of the times went along with: the more attractive he was), the worse the ED got. I guess that is because it has always been hard for me to get an erection and when I like a guy I put myself under pressure what makes the problem worse. So sex with a partner has always been a bit stressful to me. Even though I really enjoyed togetherness and cuddleing after the sex when I really liked the guy. Somehow I think that my skills in bed are the reason why I have never had a real relationship. And that kind of thinking really gets to my self-confidence.
I have also had a lot of experiences where I did the fetish thing myself. But it never was as good as just watching it on the internet. I even made own videos with other guys where we captured ourselves wrestling and took some captures of the video. I sent these pictures to other people in gay chatrooms who were also into the wrestling-thing to get them horny. I guess the first time I did that it almost gave me the same feeling of excitement as the first time I had seen those sex-wrestling pictures at the age of 15. Always had a bad consicience doing that but it made me so horny I still did it. The last years have been a cycle of watching softer wrestling-matches of guys in speedos or underwear, watching harder stuff where the guys fuck each other after the match and doing the thing were I show people in chatrooms pictures of my own matches. So actually I don't really escalate, I circle. And I wait for new stuff on my favorite webpages. On some weekends I didn't leave my appartement at all and did pretty much nothing but wanking. I used to be quite athletic because I worked out a lot. Right now, I don't have the energy to work out on a regular basis. I have told myself a thousand times: Tomorrow, you're going to hit the gym. Most of the times didn't do it because being online was more attractive.
During the last two years or maybe longer I have thought all the time that PMO had gotten out of control for me. But I was at a point where I thought that I had just bad luck with this stupid fetish and it was just not possible for me to enjoy real sex. Reading YBOP gave me some new hope that it might be possible for me to get a good erection while having real sex if I cut porn out of my life. I used to watch porn without jerking off to prepare myself for dates. I thought that it might help to be more horny when I have sex with a real person. Most of the times I ended up wondering how I could be soooo horny just hours ago in front of my PC and not being horny anymore when I'm with a real guy. The things I read about edging might be an explanation for that. And I was really surprised to read that edging is actually the worst of all things. But it is true indeed: I am not addicted to having orgasms. Because I know the orgasm will end the nice experience of being super-excited and make me feel normal again. And it will make me feel crappy somehow. I am addicted to the process of seeing these nice pictures or videos and coming close to an orgasm again and again. So maybe it is possible to reboot my brain. I remember an incident when I was 18 and I was in love with my best friend (who was straight and he didn't know...and actually back then I thought I was straight, too, I just loved my best friend and found him really hot ;-)). We were at a pool-party so he wearing swimming trunks. There was no chair left at the moment and I was already sitting in one. So he sat down on my right leg and it totally gave me a hard-on (luckily neither him nor anyone else noticed). I remember that I was always afraid to take a shower together with him because I feared I could get an erection. Today, I guess anyone could sit on my leg for hours or take a shower with me and I wouldn't have to worry at all. So I must have been able to get turned on by much softer things back then (and actually by real things). Reading that it is able to reboot my brain gave me some hope to be able to get back to that state. At least I will try.
I hope this whole fetish thing doesn't sound too odd for anyone since I guess most of the guys here are straight.
I guess I actually started slipping into an abnormal sex life when I was still very young (maybe not much younger than 8 I guess). I recognized how pleasuring it was to rub my dick on the mattress in a prone position. As I have just found out on YBOP, I had already started to desensitize my penis back then because of the prone position. I am gay and I have a fetish that might appear a bit odd to some people maybe. But there have to be a lot of people who like that stuff. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many websites about it. I actually really like to see a hot guy wrestling or fighting and that kind of fetish began at a very young age, too. So I ask myself if it might be innate. Anyway, even before internet I started the habbit to collect pictures or videos that showed hot guys (or even better: a hot guy wrestling or fighting). So I kept every magazine where I found hot pictures and recorded every movie or TV show that showed some hot guys or naked handsome actors. Sometimes I spent hours in bed watching my magazines and wanking. Actually, before internet I had always thought that I am crazy somehow because of this wrestling thing. Never thought there could be others like that.
When I was 15, my parents got the first internet connection. But only for my dad's PC. I remember that the first thing I searched for, when my parents weren't at home, were pictures of naked men. Didn't find too many for free back then I remember. At some point I started searching for pictures of amatuer wrestling and I found a page with lots of pictures that really turned me on. I don't know why I came up with the idea but one day I copy-/pasted the URL of that page into yahoo (you maybe remember the time before google
). Then, I found a lot of links that said "gay wrestling" or something like that. There were two positive things about it. The first thing was that I thought I wasn't crazy for the first time. The second good thing were the pictures that I found behind these links. It wasn't just guys wrestling but guys wrestling in underwear, speedos or even naked. I remember that my heart started beating faster, I blushed and I had never been that turned on ever before. From that day on, I couldn't wait for my parents to leave the house. Each time I knew they would be gone for a couple of hours I would go to my dad's PC and watch these pictures again. Even though I think I have never gotten as excited as on the first day ever again. When I got my own internet connection I started downloading pictures and spent more time searching for stuff on the internet because I could do it alone in my own room. The first sexual experience with a real person I had at the age of 19. I guess I had already been pretty desensitized at that point of time if I think about it. That person was a girl by the way. Never really admitted to myself that I was gay till I was 20. Very crazy somehow if you think about how much time I had already spent watching hot men on the internet. When she gave me BJs it actually felt really good. Never got such an intense feeling during a BJ again. So I thought: Maybe girls are better at that than guys. But the first BJ by a guy was almost two years of PMO later. Having read all the stuff on YBOP it somehow makes sense that I didn't feel that much anymore. Anyway, looking back I sometimes wondered how I managed to get a hard-on with a girl. Not only was I able to get a hard-on but also to put on a condom and stay in her until I came. I had to use a lot of imagination (thinking about guys) keeping my dick hard but still, it worked. There have been so many times when I wasn't able to put on a condom when I was in bed with a guy because my erection dropped. Thinking about it, there might have been two reasons:
1. I was on vacation back then and since I was around people most of the time I masturbated only once within 4 weeks (I guess that has been the lowest masturbation-rate within my whole life since I had started). So maybe I wasn't THAT desensitized at that point of time.
2. I knew after two weeks I would never see that girl again because she lived on a different continent so there was very low performance anxiety.
Today I am thirty. After more than 100 sex partners (some of them I found pretty hot) there was not one who gave me the same pleasure as sitting in front of my PC. I don't tell that number in order to brag. I guess it just shows how messed up my brain is when there wasn't even one who could compete with internet porn. And I guess my performance wasn't that good most of the times. There were some guys who still showed interest even after we had sex. But never those that I really liked. I don't know if I really have PIED because that means you don't get up at all, right? I am able to get it up most of the times but only when fantasizing about porn. Most of the times I wasn't able to keep an erection while putting on a condom. So I haven't fucked very often so far. Only BJs, Handjobs and all that other stuff. The more I liked a guy (which most of the times went along with: the more attractive he was), the worse the ED got. I guess that is because it has always been hard for me to get an erection and when I like a guy I put myself under pressure what makes the problem worse. So sex with a partner has always been a bit stressful to me. Even though I really enjoyed togetherness and cuddleing after the sex when I really liked the guy. Somehow I think that my skills in bed are the reason why I have never had a real relationship. And that kind of thinking really gets to my self-confidence.
I have also had a lot of experiences where I did the fetish thing myself. But it never was as good as just watching it on the internet. I even made own videos with other guys where we captured ourselves wrestling and took some captures of the video. I sent these pictures to other people in gay chatrooms who were also into the wrestling-thing to get them horny. I guess the first time I did that it almost gave me the same feeling of excitement as the first time I had seen those sex-wrestling pictures at the age of 15. Always had a bad consicience doing that but it made me so horny I still did it. The last years have been a cycle of watching softer wrestling-matches of guys in speedos or underwear, watching harder stuff where the guys fuck each other after the match and doing the thing were I show people in chatrooms pictures of my own matches. So actually I don't really escalate, I circle. And I wait for new stuff on my favorite webpages. On some weekends I didn't leave my appartement at all and did pretty much nothing but wanking. I used to be quite athletic because I worked out a lot. Right now, I don't have the energy to work out on a regular basis. I have told myself a thousand times: Tomorrow, you're going to hit the gym. Most of the times didn't do it because being online was more attractive.
During the last two years or maybe longer I have thought all the time that PMO had gotten out of control for me. But I was at a point where I thought that I had just bad luck with this stupid fetish and it was just not possible for me to enjoy real sex. Reading YBOP gave me some new hope that it might be possible for me to get a good erection while having real sex if I cut porn out of my life. I used to watch porn without jerking off to prepare myself for dates. I thought that it might help to be more horny when I have sex with a real person. Most of the times I ended up wondering how I could be soooo horny just hours ago in front of my PC and not being horny anymore when I'm with a real guy. The things I read about edging might be an explanation for that. And I was really surprised to read that edging is actually the worst of all things. But it is true indeed: I am not addicted to having orgasms. Because I know the orgasm will end the nice experience of being super-excited and make me feel normal again. And it will make me feel crappy somehow. I am addicted to the process of seeing these nice pictures or videos and coming close to an orgasm again and again. So maybe it is possible to reboot my brain. I remember an incident when I was 18 and I was in love with my best friend (who was straight and he didn't know...and actually back then I thought I was straight, too, I just loved my best friend and found him really hot ;-)). We were at a pool-party so he wearing swimming trunks. There was no chair left at the moment and I was already sitting in one. So he sat down on my right leg and it totally gave me a hard-on (luckily neither him nor anyone else noticed). I remember that I was always afraid to take a shower together with him because I feared I could get an erection. Today, I guess anyone could sit on my leg for hours or take a shower with me and I wouldn't have to worry at all. So I must have been able to get turned on by much softer things back then (and actually by real things). Reading that it is able to reboot my brain gave me some hope to be able to get back to that state. At least I will try.
I hope this whole fetish thing doesn't sound too odd for anyone since I guess most of the guys here are straight.