Lets do this

[Sanju]

I am 33 years old and have been addicted to porn for 23 years.  Damn, that's a long time.  I won't go into all the details of my history with it for now, but at some point I would like to share that story. 

But the important thing is that two weeks ago I made the decision to end this chapter in my life once and for all.  Since then I have not P'd, M'd or O'd. 

Here are my reasons for doing so:

1.  I recently realized that my addiction to porn was at the core of a lot of 'unexplained' emotional, psychological and even physical health issues that have plagued my life for some time now and I'm ready for that to stop.
2.  Porn sucks the true happiness out of my life and I want it back. 
3.  My addiction has ruined or greatly diminished the quality in all of my relationships.  It forces me to keep my family, friends, girlfriends and coworkers at a distance and I feel like I can never really be myself around them because of this secret I'm hiding.  And ultimately, those people I care about suffer on account of my addiction too.
4.  I really want to get married and have kids someday.  I believe that will happen but I know there is no room for porn in that scenario.
5.  I am a Christian (not a very good one obviously) and porn has always been a barrier between me and my spirituality.  If I can't connect with what I truly believe, then I am spiritually stranded.  That's probably the biggest one for me (and the easiest one to overlook). 

There are so many other reasons I could go on about, but these were my top five. 

So today is day 15 and so far, it's been going ok.  I started feeling alive again after 7 days (btw, I am one of those who needs to avoid all stimulation for awhile, so no fapin to imaginary porn either).  But recently, that feeling of aliveness has tapered down a bit and I think I see a long period of flat line in my future.  So that's what I'm trying to cope with now.

Sighhh.

Anyway, that's where I'm at.  One day at a time..

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Well done man. I'm also 33 and I'm like on day 42, slipped up on Valentine's day after a 42 day streak, and have been on this reboot since around this time last year. Each time I've slipped I've beaten myself up and the shame has been greater than before, but I have also been able to pick myself up quicker and the binges have been diminishing in their length and frequency.

Over the years my addiction took increasingly deviant turns and has included prostitutes, hard drugs and alcoholism, I'm now almost 15months clean and sober. I haven't had sex with anyone in that time either, so progress is being made, although during some of my binges I have strongly considered having that first drink or phoning a hooker just to relieve the pressure.

So, we're in the same boat as far as porn is concerned. My target now is 90 days of hard mode; no "O" at all, even with a woman, whatever the cost, and no "P".

I'm Christian like you, so I assume I can say this: Yes, God still loves you, despite your faults. We are not perfect, so we have to really on Him to overcome this disease, daily. It is not our destiny. Our true destiny is to unite with the woman made for us and multiply But as JC did, we must go into the wilderness and overcome temptation.

He would not have been able to convince those men to follow him had he not first conquered himself, his passions, especially at his weakest, hungry and tired. He would not have been able to say "I will make you fishers of men.." In the same way, a woman (and people in general, including work colleagues and our kids) will only be able to truly trust us when we have overcome our passions, especially at your weakest.

Anyway, you're doing better that what you might think, just follow the suggestions outlined here as close as you can and very importantly, take it one day at a time.

 

[Sanju]

FlyPhoenix, thanks for the encouragement!  I really like what you said about going into the wilderness to overcome temptation.  That's exactly how this feels and it's a great example of why this is necessary to get to the other side.  I never thought of that passage in that way before.  Wise words..

Also, like you, I've taken a run at this before so I know what you mean about the shame being worse every time.  That's a hard thing for me to cope with.  It sounds like you're making a lot of progress though despite slipping up a few times.  Do you have any advise on how to recover more quickly?  I seem to struggle quite a bit whenever I relapse and it can take me months or even years to get back up again. 

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Yeah man, it's tough pulling back out of a relapse, especially an extended one. Usually it is only when we become sick and tired of the lifestyle that we seek recovery again. As we are all different I can only make suggestions and share my experience rather than give advice.

What seems to be working for me right now is reading on addiction, working the 12 steps with a sponsor, attending meetings (various groups), attending church and doing as much service as I can.

In terms of service, I hold service positions in an AA group that meets once a week, an SAA (sex addicts anonymous) group that also meets once a week, and I also serve in church on Sunday mornings.

I journal in my book at home, post on these online forums regularly and exercise, also assisting people as a trainer.

As my addiction took me to the lowest depths that my creative little mind could devise, almost killing me, I have to run a very aggressive spiritual program and the service, as well as my sponsor, keeps me connected and accountable.

Also, a sponsor who is gentle will gently remind you on what you need to focus on and steer you back to a more self-loving place.

You might need to change sponsors four or five times before settling on the right one, but this element, someone also dealing with the same addictions, has been a critical for me. As they say, the only incorrect way to do recovery is alone.

 

[Sanju]

Wow, thanks for sharing that FlyPhoenix. 

I guess I was hoping to do this on my own with a bit of anonymous support, but the more I read (and especially things like this), I'm beginning to realize that it's really tough to break free of addiction on your own and/or without talking about it.  And even if you do, it's always there with you - this secret you're hiding and it's almost like you have to let it out somehow to really let it go.

The part I struggle with the most with this particular addiction is that most people don't understand it.  It's not like gambling or alcohol (not to down play those), but in the sense of being able to talk about it openly, it's awkward at best.  That's going to be a serious challenge.

But thank you for the advise.  I'll look into seeing if there is an SAA group near by but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. 

On the upside, today is day 18!  Still going..

Last night I watched a movie called 'Run Fat Boy, Run' with Simon Pegg.  The premise is that this completely out of shape guy signs up to run a marathon.  Anyway, without spoiling the movie, that's kind of what this feels like.  lol.

 

[Sanju]

Here's a link to a really good Tedtalk on the subject.  It's probably nothing you haven't already heard if you've been watching Gabe's videos but this guy just brings another perspective on it.  It was helpful for me and a good reminder:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU

 

[FlyPhoenix]

It's not easy for someone who is used to hiding and keeping secrets to open up, especially with the stigma associated with this disease of sex addiction. It is, in fact, a disease of intimacy.

We fear intimacy, so we isolate ourselves when the strongest remedy is to expose ourselves and let ourselves be known, but within a safe support system.

That's where meetings come in; others who know our pain. While gamblers, drinkers and drug addicts may receive sympathy, we often are met wit scepticism at best, sometimes suspicion and often mistrust.

The average person hears sex addict and thinks of a pervert, sex offender, rapist or child molester, a predator while other addicts are treated as sick people who need help.

I fully understand man, it is something we'll have to deal with forever, but there is hope. Keep fighting.

 

[Sanju]

Haven't posted here in awhile, but unfortunately I am reseting the clock today after 27 days.  I had a good streak going but I slipped up and put myself in a situation where I would be exposed to my triggers.  It was a stupid mistake, but I'm choosing to learn from it and move on.  This means cutting certain things out of my life and making sacrifices.  I have a hard time with this because some of the things I need to cut out are things I really enjoy and are seemingly harmless.  But for someone with a problem like myself, it isn't an option anymore.

So this is day zero...

Let's do this!

 

[Sanju]

"For many years as I attempted to recover, I avoided interaction
with attractive females because my brain was so doped up on lust that
I couldn?t connect with them as people. My addiction always
acknowledged a pretty woman as something to be lusted after rather
than loved as a human being. I wasn?t being harassing or overtly rude
to them; I wasn?t flirting and such. Rather, in my head, I was trying to
possess them, which meant I was mi s-connecting with them, rather
than connecting. I believe that real joy in this life comes when we are
capable of loving all good people. Lust is merely a counterfeit to love. It
sexualizes people and it takes rather than gives."

- Anonymous
Author of 10 Keys to Breaking Pornography Addiction
http://www.no-porn.com/#!tenkeys/cjg9

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Indeed, lust separates a couple, love unites..

 

[Sanju]

Day 2

Day 1 was a lot tougher.  Today.. not so bad.  Starting to feel more alive already. 

 

[phoenix0015]

I share your sentiments my friend. We all have similar stories with same villein.
I wish you all the best in this fight against the darkest enemy.
My prayers are with you Sanju.
bestfof luck.

 

[Sanju]

Thanks for the kind words Phoenix0015. 

The darkest enemy.. more and more I hear it referred to as that.  I truly believe this is one of the worst attacks on humanity than the world has seen in a long time.  And so many people don't even know it's going on.  Scary stuff..

Doom and gloom aside, today is Day 5 of being clean!  It's been super tough, but no pain, no gain as they say...

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Hey bro, how are things, you going strong?

 

[Sanju]

FlyPhoenix - thanks for checking up man.  Yeah, I'm still holding down the fort but it feels like the Alamo, lol.

Well, today is day 16.  In some ways, I hate keeping count, but I think the psychological benefits outweigh the cons for me for now.  Looking back on my last reset, it wasn't a major binge or anything, but the last two weeks recovering from that single episode have been really, really tough.  But on the bright side, I feel stronger and more comfortable in my own skin every day.  I just keep reminding myself why I'm doing this and the things I can look forward to on the other side.  And of course, steering well clear of any triggers is a huge challenge, but essential for my survival. 

I was reminded of this quote today: 

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." 

 

[Sanju]

Technically, it's day 20 for me today, but I've actually been at this for 50 days with one relapse.  The latter number means more to me because that's how long I've been on this mission without retreating, calling it quits, admitting defeat or giving in.  This forum has helped me tremendously and I thank all the great people who have given encouragement and who are actively fighting this battle together.  It's so much better to know that I'm not struggling with this alone. 

 

[phoenix0015]

Congratulations Sanju. Yes it is day 50 only for you.

Keep it going man. Yiur success will motivate others including me. I recently relapsed,  but your kind words made me feel good.
I am sure you will success in your mission and have a great life.

 

[Sanju]

@Phoenix0015 - you too!  we're in this together my friend.

Journal,

Well today was a rough day!  From the time I woke up, the urge to PMO just hit me like a sack of dirt.  I couldn't figure out why because last night I was doing great, feeling free and on top of the world.  But I struggled all morning and it didn't help that I had bad TMJ pain and a headache that prevented me from wanting to do too much.  So I spent most of the day shifting about, trying to find things to distract my suddenly obsessed brain.  Watched some TV - no help there.  Anti help.  Always the gratuitous shot of cleavage and hips.  Then I started surfing the net, not sure why I thought that was a good idea.  I was seriously about to crack but then I came back to the forum and read the things I had just written yesterday and seeing how positive they were I was like 'how can I go from trying to encourage myself and other people one day and fall flat on my face the next??'  It's terrible, but for a second, I thought maybe I just won't say anything if something does happen.  I quickly dismissed that thought though and said no, the whole point of the forum is that I can be honest here no matter what and I need to be held accountable.  If I'm not honest here about my progress then there's no point to it.  So then I had to decide - either give in and report it in my journal or hold out and hope for the best.  So as painful as it was, I held out for just a little bit longer and I'm really glad I did!  I ended up finding a helpful article about breaking free from porn addiction by allowing Christ to work in your life.  And then I did something I was not expecting - I prayed about it.  Basically, I admitted this was a serious mess I was in and I asked God for help.  At the end of the prayer, I just reaffirmed my faith that He would provide a way out.  After that, I felt a lot better! 

Later when I was in the shower, I had an awesome epiphany about faith (it's funny how taking a shower helps to clear your head).  But for some reason I was thinking about the nation of Israel wandering in the desert.  Random.  Anyhow, I was thinking about how even after witnessing first hand the power and realization of God (parting the red sea for example), they still decided to turn away from His plan for them.  I always thought they were terrible people, not following God's instructions when He was right there in front of them.  But then I thought about it; living in the desert, wandering around for years and eating the same bland food everyday would be a serious trial for anyone.  As a result, many of them lost their faith along the way and because of that, God kept them in the desert for 40 years.  That entire generation lived and died in that desert.  Even though they had escaped slavery in Egypt, they were stuck in this 'in between' place because they would not receive the promise God was going to give to them.  So anyway, my epiphany was that this was the perfect picture of the Christian life.  Jesus frees us of our slavery to being lost in sin with the promise of eternal life in heaven.  But before we can get there, we have a serious desert to cross.  Living a true Christian life is not all flowers and rainbows.  It's going to be really tough at times.  Jesus said 'Take up your cross and follow me'.  That doesn't exactly sound like a good time.  So I should not expect to always have good fortune, health and instant immunity to sin.  But rather a period of 'sharpening' and testing of faith that will probably last the rest of my life.  And the faster I come to terms with that and consistently have faith that God will provide, the sooner I will be able to receive His plan for my life.  Suffering, desires, temptations, good times and bad are all temporary.  I know I won't always be perfect, but if I can just hang on to that single idea of faith; there will be reward on the other side for those who keep it. 

Some of you reading this, if you made it this far, will think I'm wacked, but this is meaningful to me (it is after all my journal) and maybe this will help someone else in it's own ungraceful way. 

Btw, here is a link to the article I found:http://www.ccef.org/breaking-pornography-addiction-part-1

 

[afb7]

I don't think what you're saying is whacked. I'm not religious, but I think I have a similar perspective to what you pulled out from that. I think suffering is the norm and not the exception. And yet we've still got some force in us pushing us forward, be it spiritual, biological, or something else, to push on despite the not-so-great prospects life brings us.

So we've got a life of pain ahead, which is where I think we tend to get lost. I think that first, whatever we do gets stronger over time, be it good or bad, and that force just pushes us ahead, not in a particular direction. I think we choose the direction, and avoiding the pain seems most natural because it's so easy, right? So some of us end up wandering the desert until we die, because wandering begets wandering. While others are able to practice new "ways" until they become the only way, and we move on.

And this time Sanju, you chose a direction you seem to be very satisfied with, praying instead of PMO'ing, then contemplating your faith and reasons for continuing in the shower (I find I get my very thinking done in the shower too. It's weird!) Sounds like a great success today?

Sorry if this isn't totally coherent. I appreciated your post today. It's great to see successes in other people. It's easy to share pain, but I think more rewarding to share successes.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

  I ended up finding a helpful article about breaking free from porn addiction by allowing Christ to work in your life.  And then I did something I was not expecting - I prayed about it.  Basically, I admitted this was a serious mess I was in and I asked God for help.  At the end of the prayer, I just reaffirmed my faith that He would provide a way out.  After that, I felt a lot better! 

Later when I was in the shower, I had an awesome epiphany about faith (it's funny how taking a shower helps to clear your head).  But for some reason I was thinking about the nation of Israel wandering in the desert.  Random.  Anyhow, I was thinking about how even after witnessing first hand the power and realization of God (parting the red sea for example), they still decided to turn away from His plan for them.  I always thought they were terrible people, not following God's instructions when He was right there in front of them.  But then I thought about it; living in the desert, wandering around for years and eating the same bland food everyday would be a serious trial for anyone.  As a result, many of them lost their faith along the way and because of that, God kept them in the desert for 40 years.  That entire generation lived and died in that desert.  Even though they had escaped slavery in Egypt, they were stuck in this 'in between' place because they would not receive the promise God was going to give to them.  So anyway, my epiphany was that this was the perfect picture of the Christian life.  Jesus frees us of our slavery to being lost in sin with the promise of eternal life in heaven.  But before we can get there, we have a serious desert to cross.  Living a true Christian life is not all flowers and rainbows.  It's going to be really tough at times.  Jesus said 'Take up your cross and follow me'.  That doesn't exactly sound like a good time.  So I should not expect to always have good fortune, health and instant immunity to sin.  But rather a period of 'sharpening' and testing of faith that will probably last the rest of my life.  And the faster I come to terms with that and consistently have faith that God will provide, the sooner I will be able to receive His plan for my life.  Suffering, desires, temptations, good times and bad are all temporary.  I know I won't always be perfect, but if I can just hang on to that single idea of faith; there will be reward on the other side for those who keep it. 

Some of you reading this, if you made it this far, will think I'm wacked, but this is meaningful to me (it is after all my journal) and maybe this will help someone else in it's own ungraceful way. 

Btw, here is a link to the article I found:http://www.ccef.org/breaking-pornography-addiction-part-1

Awesome reflections here dude. I was speaking to my sponsor the other day about Jesus in the wilderness and it dawned on me that directly after withstanding the temptation, he began his ministry. He was able to call n his disciples to leave their families and livelihood to follow him no questions asked.

So Jesus was also tempted. I think it is the same for us; when we overcome our temptation we can become people who others can trust and even follow no questions asked. One who masters his passions has character that others can feel.

Keep running man, you're kicking ass!