32 y/o starting again

[rodrigo_reboot]

I have being trying to quit porn for quite some time now. Have relapsed again and again.
I will give it another try. This time porn is not an option.
Had a bad binge this weekend. Felt bad, useless and depressed. It is over. I will change this time.
Here is hoping for Day 1 of a new life.

In the past, I can get a good streak going if I keep myself busy. Also when I was meditating daily it really helped to cool down the urges. Starting today I plan to get back to working out hard, meditating daily, getting proper sleep and even trying ot improve my diet. I am generally fit, but lately have being eating a lot of crap.
Not anymore.

I also have being thinking about something. In the past, I never really had those symptoms of flatlines that others talk about. The more time I stay without PMO, the higher my libido gets. Usually after 10 days without PMO, my libido starts to get ridiculous high. I can't think of anything else but women. I have random erections on inapropriate places. After more then 15 days, it is so hard that I usually end up relapsing.
So I have being thinking that this time, I will completely remove P, but maybe, once in a while, no more then once a week, I think I will M to O.
Maybe, without P would be enough to reboot. The thing is, complete abstinence is too hard for me, and maybe it makes me keep relapsing. I am not sure about this, I will see how this reboot goes.

Is it ok to reason that once a week M without P is healthy? Could the brain reboot just with this? Or is it a junkie excuse. I don't know. The truth is we don't have the science to say what really is the best protocol to beat this addiction. In a way we are all guinea pigs for this reboot process.
Maybe we don't need full abstinence, but only a "sexual reeducation" as we do with people who eats badly. I don't know, what you guys think?

Sorry for my english.

 

[CrazyGopher]

Hi tzimisce,

I have been trying to quit porn for a long time, too. So when you talk about how bad you felt after this weekend's binge, I have a lot of similar experiences to relate from. Man it sucks! What a crappy feeling, and kicking yourself for all the time wasted.

So anyway... I don't know what is the right way to reboot, but after trying "complete abstinence" for a long time, now I am allowing MO without P. Maybe you would find this journal entry interesting. Overall I am not 100% happy with it, but as a "compromise" it seems to be working OK.

Your english is good man  ;D

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Thanks a lot CrazyGopher.
I am reading your journal and others links you have shared. It's is all great and it gives me a lot more motivation and hope that I can do it too. In one of your post you write : "I'm reaching a point where I really do believe that I'll be able to leave porn behind for good.". Damn man! It felt so good to read it. All of sudden I felt really motivated. I can't help but think, well if he can do it, then I will be able to do it too.

So far in the second day things are easy. My last binge was so bad that I still have no urges.
Yesterday was a very productive day. I worked out hard, meditated and was productive in work. I also talked a lot with some colegues in my work about general stuff, and I think that it is good. When I am heavy on porn averything eles gets annoying or boring and I tend to become more antisocial.
I woke up today feeling a litle more energised and hopefull with this new reboot atempt. I hope it lasts.

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Failed already. That was pathethic. Not even a week. Just to remember me, it all started with looking girls in bikini in youtube and with small rationalizations like, well it is nota P, so i will just take a quick look. It kept going until full PMO.  AS an addict there is no safe line. I have to remove anything that resembles the addiction or I cant stop.
I AM feeling very sad that I failed so early, bit I wont give up.
Back to zero. I will try again. I have no other option.

 

[cinefile77]

The more you beat yourself up, the more you will keep relapsing.

It's really difficult to quit this cold turkey. You were on a great path before it sounded like. Just take it one day at a time. There are triggers everywhere. Plus we are wired to like hot women. 

What is your reason for quitting porn?  Most of us here are longtime users and have hit some kind of bottom so we have specific motivation to save a relationship or to not have PIED.

Good luck man and don't be so hard on yourself. Shame and guilt are bad.

 

[CrazyGopher]

I agree with cinefile, be kind to yourself.

it all started with looking girls in bikini in youtube and with small rationalizations like, well it is nota P, so i will just take a quick look. It kept going until full PMO.

This has happened to me so many times. It's so easy to fool ourselves with rationalizations about porn substitutes, and then wind up right back at PMO.

 

[pinkerton]

Glad you're here. Keep coming back and sharing.

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Day one after last fail.

As cinefile77 asked, the biggest reason I am trying to stop this addiction is because I know that P makes everything else in my life that should be normal and enjoyable, become boring and unfulfiling. In  the past I have noticed that when I am heavy in P, my mind gets foggy and everything else in my life gets dull. Life gest hard to go by. I don't get pleasure from things that used to give pleasure. When I cut P and especially keep a stronger meditation practice, life gets better. The sun is more brighter, the company of others more enjouable. When I am on P, I have no will to socialize. I have recently ended with my fiance. I don't know how much of it was because of P. But I want to be a better man and be happy with even small things.
Another reason is the amount of time I used to spend with it. I can be for hours watching P and Ming. I am not a child anymore. I have to use my time for more productive things.

This time, I will try to cut any trigger. Not even youtube. I have to be more strict with this or I will relapse. I am still too weak.
I am also trying to stop looking at women all the time. Today at the gym there was a girl that I couldn't stop looking at. I think I was so used to doing it all the time, that it is a ingrained habit. Later I tought to myself how creep it was and it can even be dangerous as a trigger, cause later I will keep remembering her and that can lead to M.
I will try to cut this habit too. There are so much better things in life. So much to learn and to do. Women should just be another part of life, not this all consuming thing.
I hope I can get a good streak this time.

Thanks for everyone who has writen for me. It helps a lot. It gives more motivation. Thanks everyone.

 

[pinkerton]

I think cutting out all triggers you possibly can is a great idea. There are enough out there that we have no control over. I've also been trying to train myself to think differently.  Alcoholics say alcohol is an allergy and an obsession. I think P is the same way, I'm allergic but it and sexual thoughts occupy my mind way too much. Like you said, there is more to life.
  Also, going back to what you asked earlier about M and high libido, I recommend you read Obstacles by fizbo. It's a journal in our age group and it is inspiring to see how he refrained from M.
Good luck and keep coming back

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Second day and urges are already appearing. No urge to watch P, but urges for M about girls I see in the gym.
The weekend is coming and I must be ready. Weekends are the hardest, especially if I drink. I have tought about completely cutting drinking, but I don't know. I think that if a drink moderetele, it is not a problem. The problem is when I drink to much and in the hangovers I end up PMOing to ease the pain.
I will keep my guard up. P is not an option.