Datsyk
Member
About the Journal
This is my journal. It's not much really, but I hope it helps at least me. I've been lurking around this place for a few days, and I finally decided it was time to do something about my problem. I am happy to get comments here or whatever, but I am a third year law student, so life is kind of busy. That said, replies might be short, or non-existent. Feel free to message me if I say or do something inappropriate with this journal.
About Me
I am 28 years old. Which feels kind of ancient for this particular forum but I am (usually) a strict rule follower. I am married. I met her in high school. We split during high school, but when we came back for the summer after our second year of college, we hit it off again while working the same charity function. We don't have any kids just yet, but they are definitely in the future. She's not pregnant, we just want a couple of kids some day.
I am from a military family, so there was a lot of moving around when I was younger. My parents divorced when I was around 10. Both of them remarried later. I have one younger brother from my mom and dad's marriage, and two younger half-brothers from my mom and stepfather's relationship.
I have always been a fairly active guy. I play ice hockey occasionally as a substitute goaltender for a few local teams when they need me. I am at the gym or working out in some fashion about 5 days a week. As I mentioned above, I am a law student, and I am quickly approaching graduation. So most of my time is occupied with dedicated studying and research. Well, it should be anyway.
My "Problem" (As I call it)
Like most guys my age, the internet was the born before I could really understand the power of such a wealth of information (and other things). My first experiences with pornography were with my buddies at school in sixth grade. It was actually a pretty stereotypical situation at a sleep over. Someone brought a dirty magazine, and we all passed it around. Probably five or six weeks later, I'm not sure how, but I found some pics of topless girls on the internet. Of course, being a stupid 12 year old, I didn't know how to clear the history and I was found out. My stepdad decided it might be time to have the "talk" with me. Looking back, it seems a bit odd. Mostly because my mom and biological father were always very forthcoming about sex, relationships, and the like. Anyway, part of my step father's talk was about pornography and the fact that its really quite widely available on the internet if I'd like peruse that kind of thing. He showed were all the best stuff was, how to find what I was looking for, etc. He did use some of the pictures to explain certain things about female anatomy and various adult activities that I was certainly not getting health class. Further, he showed me how to get rid of the evidence that I was watching porn online. We had high speed internet for my mom work. My buddies figured out rather quickly that my house was a great place to see all kinds of crazy stuff so we had lots of sleep overs without much sleeping. I got a computer in my room and that was that. I was hooked. It wasn't anything too crazy back then, just the run of the mill low production value "pizza guy comes over" type stuff. But the more time I spent alone with that old Gateway computer, the more weird things got. Eventually escalating into softcore gay porn for some reason. As the ball rolled into high school, and when I was about 15, Limewire became a thing. I could download all the images I wanted and things got progressively more intense. I kept a meticulously organized library of porn, which I physically destroyed when I was 20. Right now, I still have one. It's in a slightly different form hosted by a website I frequent, but I still have it. I never revisit an image or a video, so I'm not entirely sure why I keep it, but I feel compelled to catalog an image I find particularly arousing. I can't actually orgasm to porn without cataloging it. And I really struggle to keep an erection while viewing if I don't. I tried a few times to just watch an entire video all the way through without thinking of where to put it. I usually watch about the first 2 minutes, fast forward to some of the more intense scenes, then to the end. Then I put it in a file based on various categories. Like the parties involved genders, acts performed, and then into quality, etc.
I'm not gay, I know that now. But for years I thought I was because I really liked gay porn. I spent a long time very confused about what I wanted. I dated girls but used the gay porn furiously. To this day, it's my primary problem. I'm sure people reading this are thinking "this dude is gay and in denial." Not really, I know that I find gay images in fantasy quite arousing, but I dated a couple guys in college and, with one of them, fooled around. It was so not for me in the flesh, as it were. I am a bit of a modern hippy, which is really depressing to see in writing.
My wife knows I watch gay or bisexual porn, but, for the most part, ignores my predilections about other guys. I love having sex with her, and I have had plenty of other sexual encounters in the past. But lately, as in about the past two years, I find that I have to edge myself for a long time - about 20 or 30 minutes - before we have sex, or else I can't perform at all. I don't really struggle with morning erections, I still get those. I can get it up but it takes a lot of focus and thoughts about the porn I watched earlier in the day. Another problem I have been struggling with is that I use porn even more obsessively now that I am getting more and more anxious about graduation. I mean, before, I was quite the binge user. I'm talking like three or four times a day, compelled to find and catalog images, then maybe a day off because the skin on my penis would be sore from over use. Then back at it. Now, it's almost constantly calling to me. I can't sleep without a quick porn session and some cataloging. When it's time to really study, I boot my PC and head straight for the websites to "help me relax" so I can study efficiently. After finishing part of an assignment, I reward myself with a few files or maybe a video (which get cataloged) and then move on to the next part of my readings. I want this to stop because, frankly, I'm not getting any younger and my recovery time is getting longer and longer. Every time I use porn to have an orgasm, I feel horrible, because I know I won't be able to give my wife what I want to give her: loving, full relationship, and my utmost dedication (physically and emotionally)
My Goals
I want to be completely porn free for 90 days. I also want to go without edging at all during that time, even without porn. I think I can do it. If I make it, I should hit day 90 about two weeks after graduation, right before I start studying for the bar exam. I am not sharing this particular part of my life with my wife right now because I am supremely embarrassed about the way I consume and use pornography. Also, because I am feeling particularly "masculine" I want to deal with it alone. Over time, I might feel better, but for now, I just want this to be about me dealing a problem I have. A problem I can fix, on my own.
Final Thoughts
Okay, so this was tediously long. I'm not terribly religious anymore so it was kind of therapeutic to get it all out there, so I'm sorry for that. I'm also not sure about how I am supposed to keep this thing going. I guess I'll just post in here everyday about what's going and how I am feeling. Some of them are just going to have to be short, but others might be longer if I have time. So thanks for reading, feel free to respond, or message or whatever, I'll just be here, studying hard.
-Datsyk
This is my journal. It's not much really, but I hope it helps at least me. I've been lurking around this place for a few days, and I finally decided it was time to do something about my problem. I am happy to get comments here or whatever, but I am a third year law student, so life is kind of busy. That said, replies might be short, or non-existent. Feel free to message me if I say or do something inappropriate with this journal.
About Me
I am 28 years old. Which feels kind of ancient for this particular forum but I am (usually) a strict rule follower. I am married. I met her in high school. We split during high school, but when we came back for the summer after our second year of college, we hit it off again while working the same charity function. We don't have any kids just yet, but they are definitely in the future. She's not pregnant, we just want a couple of kids some day.
I am from a military family, so there was a lot of moving around when I was younger. My parents divorced when I was around 10. Both of them remarried later. I have one younger brother from my mom and dad's marriage, and two younger half-brothers from my mom and stepfather's relationship.
I have always been a fairly active guy. I play ice hockey occasionally as a substitute goaltender for a few local teams when they need me. I am at the gym or working out in some fashion about 5 days a week. As I mentioned above, I am a law student, and I am quickly approaching graduation. So most of my time is occupied with dedicated studying and research. Well, it should be anyway.
My "Problem" (As I call it)
Like most guys my age, the internet was the born before I could really understand the power of such a wealth of information (and other things). My first experiences with pornography were with my buddies at school in sixth grade. It was actually a pretty stereotypical situation at a sleep over. Someone brought a dirty magazine, and we all passed it around. Probably five or six weeks later, I'm not sure how, but I found some pics of topless girls on the internet. Of course, being a stupid 12 year old, I didn't know how to clear the history and I was found out. My stepdad decided it might be time to have the "talk" with me. Looking back, it seems a bit odd. Mostly because my mom and biological father were always very forthcoming about sex, relationships, and the like. Anyway, part of my step father's talk was about pornography and the fact that its really quite widely available on the internet if I'd like peruse that kind of thing. He showed were all the best stuff was, how to find what I was looking for, etc. He did use some of the pictures to explain certain things about female anatomy and various adult activities that I was certainly not getting health class. Further, he showed me how to get rid of the evidence that I was watching porn online. We had high speed internet for my mom work. My buddies figured out rather quickly that my house was a great place to see all kinds of crazy stuff so we had lots of sleep overs without much sleeping. I got a computer in my room and that was that. I was hooked. It wasn't anything too crazy back then, just the run of the mill low production value "pizza guy comes over" type stuff. But the more time I spent alone with that old Gateway computer, the more weird things got. Eventually escalating into softcore gay porn for some reason. As the ball rolled into high school, and when I was about 15, Limewire became a thing. I could download all the images I wanted and things got progressively more intense. I kept a meticulously organized library of porn, which I physically destroyed when I was 20. Right now, I still have one. It's in a slightly different form hosted by a website I frequent, but I still have it. I never revisit an image or a video, so I'm not entirely sure why I keep it, but I feel compelled to catalog an image I find particularly arousing. I can't actually orgasm to porn without cataloging it. And I really struggle to keep an erection while viewing if I don't. I tried a few times to just watch an entire video all the way through without thinking of where to put it. I usually watch about the first 2 minutes, fast forward to some of the more intense scenes, then to the end. Then I put it in a file based on various categories. Like the parties involved genders, acts performed, and then into quality, etc.
I'm not gay, I know that now. But for years I thought I was because I really liked gay porn. I spent a long time very confused about what I wanted. I dated girls but used the gay porn furiously. To this day, it's my primary problem. I'm sure people reading this are thinking "this dude is gay and in denial." Not really, I know that I find gay images in fantasy quite arousing, but I dated a couple guys in college and, with one of them, fooled around. It was so not for me in the flesh, as it were. I am a bit of a modern hippy, which is really depressing to see in writing.
My wife knows I watch gay or bisexual porn, but, for the most part, ignores my predilections about other guys. I love having sex with her, and I have had plenty of other sexual encounters in the past. But lately, as in about the past two years, I find that I have to edge myself for a long time - about 20 or 30 minutes - before we have sex, or else I can't perform at all. I don't really struggle with morning erections, I still get those. I can get it up but it takes a lot of focus and thoughts about the porn I watched earlier in the day. Another problem I have been struggling with is that I use porn even more obsessively now that I am getting more and more anxious about graduation. I mean, before, I was quite the binge user. I'm talking like three or four times a day, compelled to find and catalog images, then maybe a day off because the skin on my penis would be sore from over use. Then back at it. Now, it's almost constantly calling to me. I can't sleep without a quick porn session and some cataloging. When it's time to really study, I boot my PC and head straight for the websites to "help me relax" so I can study efficiently. After finishing part of an assignment, I reward myself with a few files or maybe a video (which get cataloged) and then move on to the next part of my readings. I want this to stop because, frankly, I'm not getting any younger and my recovery time is getting longer and longer. Every time I use porn to have an orgasm, I feel horrible, because I know I won't be able to give my wife what I want to give her: loving, full relationship, and my utmost dedication (physically and emotionally)
My Goals
I want to be completely porn free for 90 days. I also want to go without edging at all during that time, even without porn. I think I can do it. If I make it, I should hit day 90 about two weeks after graduation, right before I start studying for the bar exam. I am not sharing this particular part of my life with my wife right now because I am supremely embarrassed about the way I consume and use pornography. Also, because I am feeling particularly "masculine" I want to deal with it alone. Over time, I might feel better, but for now, I just want this to be about me dealing a problem I have. A problem I can fix, on my own.
Final Thoughts
Okay, so this was tediously long. I'm not terribly religious anymore so it was kind of therapeutic to get it all out there, so I'm sorry for that. I'm also not sure about how I am supposed to keep this thing going. I guess I'll just post in here everyday about what's going and how I am feeling. Some of them are just going to have to be short, but others might be longer if I have time. So thanks for reading, feel free to respond, or message or whatever, I'll just be here, studying hard.
-Datsyk
