where to start healing ourselves as partners?

[chickaboomski]

after reading post after post on here from fellow damaged partners, I think we can all see the common thread of our emotions and the effects it has had on us. Not just self esteem, but all things mental, creating all sorts of disorders that filter through in our physical selves. I think while we are all here to help ourselves and our partners overcome this, support rebooting, etc, I do think it obvious the scars we get to not always heal as quickly as our rebooting partner. And like PTSD after the dust settles and we know they are better, we still can't get our old selves back. Now I am not anywhere near this stage at the moment. I am still waiting for my SO to admit it to me After our first discussion 2 weeks ago. I am not applying pressure, but I know before he did not go to extreme lengths to hide his addiction. He just meremy thought I was to busy and tired to see it. Now, now there is the hiding, the deception, and the frustration I can see building in him. So that said I have a looong ways to go before I am at that of many other partners post reboot. But I am already scared, scared I will not heal, will not trust, will never value myself, or exist like I used to. As the lying begins, I die a little inside knowing the damage he is doing to himself is rippling out to me leaving some sort ofpermanentt eroded gullies that leak out my self worth bit by bit. Now I got to thinking, perhaps just like they need to reboot, perhaps we may need the exact same thing. With as much energy and attention at our own healing as theirs. things like online journals here are great but even if it was more. Like one hour morning and night, we spent on loving ourselves, to forgiving ourselves, tI healing ourselves. I know I'm going to need it already, and i am just beginning. Just wondering outside of therapy what is other partners strategies to heal them selves. In a positive forward moving manner? Thoughts anyone?

 

[Gracie]

Chickaboom,

The one thing that helped me most was going to the blog, Love You Hate the Porn and reading it all.  All the posts that were archived all the tabs at the top.  Then I purchased the book and read it.  And I underlined the things that I felt or showed how I felt.  Then my husband read it and he also marked things.  There are also videos on You Tube by Geoff Steurer that explains to men how their women feel with this discovery.  I watched and it gave me hope that there were women experiencing the same things and someone was willing to explain it to men.    I would have to say that was the turning point in our recovery together.  It lets you know your feelings are normal and you are not crazy.

I often felt stupid.  How stupid was I that I married a man that I thought truly cared.  I had a busier social life that he did and was truly not sure I could only be with one man.  Once we were intimate for me there was no one else.  I thought he felt the same way.  That I was the only one.  Then with the ogling I felt uncomfortable but did nothing.  Then I discovered the porn.  A habit he reinitiated 15 years into our marriage.  We hit some rough times with our families, got satellite tv and he was off and stroking.  It just got more and more.  I did not have to deal with internet but I did have to deal with showtime, starz, cinemax, hbo.  And they love porn.  So this book really helped.  A lot.

That and then reading men's journals and posting how we women feel.  You are right it is a very unique recovery.  But it is worth it..  Will I be the same as before.  No.  Our marriage is not the same as before.  We are closer and feel more in love.  On the other hand, I have moments that my confidence is 0.  I feel not enough.  I watch for signs that things are bad.  Because I did not see them  before and feel like if I had I could have stopped it.  I don't know that ever goes away.  But it does get manageable.  So hang in there and keep posting. 

 

[Steam rolled]

Gracie's way is without a doubt a big help!

I couldn't even begin to heal until i was sure he had all the knowledge of WHY this was happening to us and his man parts, i had to make sure i filled him with as much as possible to fully understand i wasn't being a prude but helpful and caring. And it wasn't all rainbows and flowers all the time believe that.

Until i was sure he understood and could see fully and make a Life long commitment choice could i move on but by taking baby steps, even 9 months plus Later, baby steps.