purging the junk

[daws]

Hi,

I have just blocked all porn content from my computer. I have tried to shake off porn a few months ago and lasted about 4 weeks. In that time i did feel like a different person. Before that point I did not realise I was addicted to porn. I knew I was not doing me any good.  I'm 34 and have looked at porn since my early teens. Back in my early teens it was just a dirty mag i'd got hold of and that continued until I got the internet at home around 2000, maybe slightly before. The first thing I did was load up porn. One thing that i did stumble upon was camgirls. This to me was absolutley fantastic. Directing girls to do what I wanted. This ended up with me using cam girls sites before I went to uni in the morning, when i got home etc. and carrying on up to this day although now i'm not in debt... I ended up maxing 3 credit card mainly on these sites and having to go on a debt management plan to reduce the payments because I could not keep up. At that time i met a lovely lady and ended up moving in with her and loving her alot. But, the porn and cam girls were still there. And because I was satisfying myself on my own it took the edge of my urges toward my girlfriend. She once saw one of the cam girl site in my history and went mad. I said I was just curious which was bull. She said she would not have been too bothered if I was having sex with her all the time and it showed i had a sex drive. This as I have recently found out is not a sex drive it is addiction to chemicals in your brain. Anyway, eventually after a four year relationship she left because she though i did not find her attractive due to my lack of interest.  All down to porn.. the relation ship and the debt. losing my girfriend/best pal was a dark time and I can honestly say its the worst thing thats ever happened to me. Now I have just called it a day on a new relationship with a very good looking girl because I seem to be sabotaging it. still on the porn cam girls but having more real sex. My heads a mess really and I know why and what I need to do. So here I am determined to cut this junk out of my life and find the real me, because the three weeks without porn i have done was great.

All comments welcome, and i'll try keep up daily with this log.

 

[FutaRuinedHim]

You're doing the right thing. The right thing isn't usually easy, in fact doing the right thing feels like it sucks most of the time because it involves work and sacrifice, and remembering the big picture each day as opposed to being impulsive or even compulsive with your behavior can be so difficult. But if it was easy, the outcome wouldn't be worth it.

You're at a turning point where you've suffered severe damage to your relationships, your financial situation, and your own brain, which when you think about it, is all you really have.

I know you're bummed about losing girlfriends over this, but think about that even in a more selfish way: you loved them because they were good for you. Everybody talks about love being a selfless thing and being all about the other person, but at the end of the day, this is your life and those women were in your life because they brought you positivity.

You know looking at porn doesn't make you happy, it just makes you feel excited, but that's a fleeting sort of zing to your system. Eating a bacon wrapped steak is flipping delicious but if you do it too often, you're going to become dependent on it, and sluggish, and then you'll have a heart attack. And you can't eat anything fatty and disgustingly delicious anymore. This is where you're at with porn use. It's your bacon wrapped steak and you've essentially just had a heart attack. You'll always be a bit weakened from that, but here's your chance to prove to yourself and the only body you've got that you don't need that crap and you can do better.

Do it for you. That's the same thing I'm telling my bf who just started his reboot. Don't do it for your girlfriends, or to prove to them you can do it. Do it for yourself. Then when you meet a new special someone, take it slow and enjoy what sex really is.

Fix your brain. It's the most important part of your body, either that or the heart or lungs, I think they're pretty neck n neck, but luckily, it's the most trainable and fixable part of your body too.

Good luck, man. 

 

[Twostroke]

I've also used to view cam girl sites and could see how they could be very addictive. Literally hundreds of beautiful young women enticing you in to play...very dangerous stuff! Fortunately i didn't get into paying to take them private, but i can totally understand how that could become very problematic. My real vice was phone sex, that's where i really got my kicks and have blown a lot of cash over the years.

It's good that you've recognised your problem and want to change, and you can change. It won't be easy and it will possibly hurt like hell initially, but slowly you'll feel the grip of your addiction loosening. It's a great feeling when you start realising that you no longer need to do that stuff, and can feel good without it. For me i've just started getting small glimpses of freedom and although there's no real consistency in that yet, it does give me hope that abstaining really does work and that there are better times ahead.

Welcome to the nation. Read lots, learn as much as you can and remember every second/ minute/ hour and day away from your addictions is a second/ minute/ hour/ day closer to freedom.

Good luck.

 

[daws]

Absolutely brilliant replies from you two. Thanks a lot. I'm five days in and OK. Bit hungover today which is where a lot of my problems would start. Maybe alcohol leaving your system triggers the urge! Shower and out thats the plan!

 

[daws]

Day 6. Woke up thinking about porn. Kept busy. Better to come on here and read the forums when I feel like this

 

[daws]

Day 7. Don't know if this has anything to do with quitting porn but I had a horrible dream. Nothing sexual more of a horror film I couldn't wake from.

 

[PhoenixRevival]

Weird you mention that dream, I am on day 2, first attempt to reboot and I had weird dreams last night. Feeling very tired because could not sleep very well. Weird because I know if i watch porn, I would sleep nicely then. Its my brain wiring talking to convince myself to watch porn. Hard to resist.
Since my teen just like you am on porn, I am married.

 

[daws]

Maybe dreams or more frequently remembered dreams are the sign of a clearing head. Just rolling into day 8. Good so far. Had to push a few fantasies out of my head. And pull my eyes away from women's bodies. Could be worse

 

[PhoenixRevival]

I had to pull my eyes away today too. Could not prevent myself fully though,
some women I just could not avoid not look at. I thought that there is nothing
wrong in doing that na?

 

[daws]

Day 11. Had sex last night. No problems. Really sexy girl who I was out with. Today I'm trying to push the thoughts of searching for can girls and escorts. Great release but my brain still wants more gratification. Stay clean guys

 

[daws]

Just into day 12. Have seen some fit women on TV and felt the cocaine like rush and pounding heart. Just had to recognise it and push it out of my mind. Chemical junkie. Very pure rush.

 

[daws]

On my own on my laptop. Not doing anything porn related but I feel like my pulse is racing. Gonna hit the sack and try and chill

 

[daws]

Today I found my self drifting in to fantasies. Kind of self administration of dopamine. Only early days so hopefully I can notice it happening earlier instead of going with it. I do feel more awake and optimistic today.

Keep going everyone

 

[daws]

This may have some triggers :-\





Today I relapsed. Almost like my brain had been planning it. I booked an escort for a bj but still did not cool down in the time between the meeting. Then I have got home and put a cam girl on.  Got a bit of a headache. More disapointed than anything. Not my usual behaviour. Doesn't look like I can handle the built up pressure too well. Back to the start. Determination is stronger.

 

[daws]

back on with this reboot. feeling confident. scrambled the security answers and password on the email account i use to get a password to unlock the filters. i will do this.

 

[daws]

Day 12. Did notice a slight headache for a couple of days a few days back. Now its gone. Being slightly short tempered with people but going OK. Some fantasy slipping into my mind but try not to bathe in it

 

[daws]

Approaching the two week mark which was dangerous territory a few weeks ago. Haven't felt as frisky and do admire the females I see. My girlfriend looks especially fresh and beautiful, smells like a rose. I think my senses have perked up.  I can hold things in the back of my mind without forgetting to do them more so I think there is an improvement. I know my weak point is the couple of days after having a night out. Some how a hangover increases my urge to use porn.  Slight urge tonight, looking forward to progressing past the 3 week mark... unknown territory

 

[daws]

Well,  Into day 15 which is good. i can't get porn on my computer anymore, but today found myself browsing escort listings on my phone. No masturbation and closed it down. I have fantasies about meeting these women. Although no masturbation I do think searching through there pictures is sort of medicating myself again and need to recognise this. Its just the start of my reboot and I have become complacent. Its gonna get tougher. I am just starting to realise the mountain I have to climb.  Did feel depressed the other day, now better and have experienced some uncontrollable hard ons like i was a teanager again....... mixed bag here folks

 

[daws]

Day16. Some crazy kind of seamen leakage after taking a piss. Just thought it was the last few drops of piss.  Weird, anyone else experienced this?

gonna try and steer away from any sexy imagery from now on.

 

[freedom]

Hi Daws,

I just joined the forum and i just wanted to wish you good luck since you look pretty fresh too.

I have tried to quit several times in the past and complacency is what led me back into porn every time. After 15 days you feel very good about yourself and you think you pretty safe, safe enough to browse some escort listing or may be check a webpage quickly without actually going all the way.

What i found was that even though i did not give in the first time when browsing escort listings, etc, what i had actually done was to put things in motion. I have done this several times and every time, giving in started by quickly checking a website or even a youtube video.

Since we both just started the journey, i wanted to suggest that may be we should make it a goal to steer clear of the quick two minute browsings.

I sincerely wish you all the best.