My thoughts as a rebooter, to partners

[Silver]

Hello!

I have read a couple posts here and thought I would make one to share what works and what doesn't for me with a partner, hoping it might give some insights for you. As a rebooter, I've had two relationships. The first one went terrible, and the current one is doing great. As a rebooter, what I appreciate a lot, is understanding, respect, complicity and creativity. What I hate the most is disrespect and closedness.

I'll elaborate on the negative impacts of those.

Disrespect attacks the ego of someone. My first girlfriend told me on our first sexual experience that I was her first time below 30 minutes. This kind of comment creates anxiety. It's probably going to be worse too if you start accusing him of not loving you, or of having a different sexual orientation than what he is. And it's not just in the sexual life... if the relationship has a dynamic of disrespect, anxiety is created, and anxiety, no matter the cause, is bad for a rebooter, because it can cause ED (which I have), which can in turn cause the ego, to go through the floor, and skyrocket anxiety further, creating a really bad vicious circle.

Closedness creates trust issues. As a rebooter, if I watch porn, it's not because I'm not interested in my girlfriend. I have a porn issue. Rebooters have porn issues. It doesn't mean they're not attracted to their partner, it means just that they have that to deal with. So closedness creates trust issues for you, but it also creates trust issues for him too. That's because, if you're scared of porn, he will hide his addiction from you. What happens if you say that something is disappointing to your partner? He might try to stop. But if it happens again, you can bet that he will be scared of telling you. Same thing goes for porn, if your partner is hiding porn from you, it's either because he doesn't trust you can handle it, or that you've never really let him know that you could and that he doesn't have to feel ashamed of his addiction. Of course, if you can't handle it, then you really shouldn't expect him to trust you to handle it

Now, about the what I love the most, as a rebooter.

Understanding leads to relaxation. Having an understanding girlfriend helps me with my anxiety and shame, which helps me with my ED and therefore, my reboot process. Same goes for respect.

Complicity reinforce my bound with my girlfriend and motivates me through my reboot process. It's a lot more easier with someone on my side, than by myself. My girlfriend cheering me up is of huge help.

Creativity does the same, but in a different way. We find alternatives, we enjoy different ways to experiment sex, we think about solutions together, and more importantly, it makes me interested in rebooting. I want to have fun with her, not with porn

Finally, I think that the best is not to show how bad porn affects you, as a partner, because that will scare him and make him feel shame. I think the best, is to show him how life could be much better for both of you if he reboots successfully. Unfortunately, what I'm telling you now, I don't know how good it is when the relationship is advanced. I only know it's great to start a relationship like that and keep going with it. But I wanted to share it with you, who knows, maybe it can help

 

[Gracie]

One of the things that you are missing here is that some of us were married for a number of years.  A marriage is a promise, a bond, a forever thing.  It requires two people to be bonded to one another for life.  If we, as women, go into this with this as our map, the porn addiction thing shreds it to pieces.  Why?

Because there has been complicity.  This man, whom we thought was our best friend and forever partner, has lied to us.  Repeatedly, sometimes for years.  This is the person we have been sharing everything with.  The person we thought would grow old with us.  This is the person that we have had children with.  Our body went through a myriad of changes with this ultimate evidence of love and bonding.  Sometimes to never look or be the same again.  But we do this willingly and without reservation.  We have a family with this person.  And yet they lied.  And ogled.  And watched.  And disconnected. And left us to keep everything going.  My husband is the one that noticed the last item in one of our retrospect conversations.

I, and all the other women here, realize that our husbands love us.  However the sexual connection goes away with porn use.  This is not a decision we have made.  It was made by him.  With alternate release there is not much left for us.

I am not scared of porn.  Early on I watched with my husband on occasion.  Real sex was hilarious to us.  But then he would watch alone. And soon no longer with me.  And then the sex almost completely went away.  Now after talking we realize it has no place for either one of us.  I was pained that he made decisions about how our relationship would be without talking to me.  I never told him I hated him.  I hated what he did.  But not him.  If I did not love him, I would not be here today.

Just an addition, he has said that seeing the hurt in my eyes and my conversations, and in my rants was what awoke him to the need to change.  We knew the trust as a bonded couple was what would get us through, and it did. 

 

[Steam rolled]

Thank you very much for sharing Silver.
It was helpful.

Getting past the part that the one you love who you thought would never deceive you did
Is just so hard.

 

[Hopeful Holly]

I am right there with you Gracie, and may I add most partners of PA's are very well aware of the damage that disrespect, and being closed off causes.  I came into the relationship with nothing but respect and openness only to have his addiction and actions be the opposite.

 

[chickaboomski]

Thank you for your thoughts, I am a little confused at some contradicting points. Like you mention the disrespect and closeness. I am sorry if this is your experience, however I'm pretty sure if you think it's a good idea for us not to express what it is doing to us as partners, that's asking us to be closed, and as for respect, if we did not respect our partners, we wouldn't be with them. On the other hand, is exactly what an addict becomes to their partner, and from a partners point of view, it is disrespecting the relationship taking the one thing away to yourself, that is the basis of a relationship that makes a relationship more than friends.Or did I misunderstand? I am not trying to attack your post, but I do think you may need to look at the situation through a partners eyes and think what they are feeling. I was never sexually inadequate, I was always super confident in that department. I, like Gracie used to like porn. I'm not afraid of it either. What I am afraid of is losing a good man to an addiction that consumes the intimacy and fondness between us.

 

[HumbleRich]

Silver, Who the F do you think you are exactly? 

You may have 26 days sober, but I hate to break it to you, this egotistical, obnoxious post is your replacement high. 

You have no right to tell anyone, especially complete strangers, how they are supposed to feel.

No one likes to be disrespected, but often what is interpreted as disrespect when we are in a self centered state of mind, is simply the emotional result of our misbehavior. 

Stop telling people how they are supposed to feel.

Be a man, grow up and look after your own issues.  Don't tell your girlfriend what she can and cannot feel.  That is up to her.  And stop throwing out your words of wisdom, because they aren't that wise.

I'm going to share what my fiancee tells me when I get on a high horse and spout what I perceive at the time as my brilliance.

You're not special, you're not wise, you're not telling us anything that we haven't heard before.

If you want to help people, really help them, you need to listen before you speak, take their perspective into account, and focus on them as individuals.

Rebooting is hard, but stop being a baby by telling others to change their behavior, when you are the one who needs to change yours.

Suck it up, stop vying for attention, and concentrate on your own journey.

 

[Maxime]

Now, this is uselessly aggressive. Also, keep in mind this forum is all about sharing and getting in other people's experiences.
If you've got nothing to take from the thread, just move on.
I don't remember reading anything offensive in the main post.

 

[Chaos Mind]

I'd just like to throw in that we're dealing with emotions here. You can't explain them and you can't make things better by providing logical arguments. I know what you're aiming at and I totally agree that it is good for our recovery if our partners show us empathy and support us positively. On the other hand there are so many men out there who - unlike us - are NOT registered here. They are not sensitized to the topic and their wives and girlfriends would show support forever without any effect - and that's frustrating too.

It does not matter if something is real or not. As long as we consider something as real, it is for all our consequences (the Thomas theorem). It's like the men punch their wives faces every day and then say "sorry, that does not mean I don't like you. It's the addiction, you know. Show me some support!". The comparison might seem weak, but I bet that many women the pain the suffer from is no different to what their husbands do to them when browsing for porn instead of spending time with their beloved ones.

How much support does a man need and how much does he deserve? And, more interestingly, how much is good for him? That varies with both parts of the couple and I'd hesitate to give a clear answer to that.

 

[double trouble]

So agreeing with Gracie and the above. Unfurtunely i have to keep it short because i don' t know the language that well

 

[ulaozin]

Hello everyone,

Its a delicate matter. I think that we rebooters need confrontation from our partnes, even if it hurts. Of course not all approaches are the best, but everyone here, in both sides of the problem, are dealing with broken hearts. I'm in the beginning of my reboot journey. I found out I was addicted by searching the net about it, a few months ago, I realized my life was (still is) so fucking bad, and when all the description of addiction was consistent with my history I simply could'nt deny it.

I told my wife about it. It was very hard to do. Sometimes she controls me, sometimes she leaves it up to me. She is dealing with a very bad situation too. She lost her job and her mother has a terminal cancer. I know it's up to me to restore our sexual conection, regardless of circunstances, I'm the one who broke it. I love her very much, and I want to be better for me and for her.

My last relapse was in the night just before her birthday. I was mad and ashamed about it. I didn't knew if i should tell her. I didn't told her about some of the previous relapses, since I started counting them. But I gave her access to my account here, so if she wants to check my progress, she can. Anyway, I told her just in time. She was furious. We couldn't sleep that night, I regreeted the occasion, but now I try to remember her reaction everytime I feel the urge to relapse.

Silver, What I'm trying to say is that maybe, even that frustration with your first girlfriend was significant for you to become aware today of yourself and your problem. Surely things didn't go well, and you moved on, but it leaves a scratch. Some relationships won't outlive the discovery and recovering from addiction. I really hope mine will endure, and I'm doing all I can for it but I can't guarantee.

For all ther partnes who are dealing with our addiction I just give this one advice. You must think about yourself too. You can help us in our journey for recovery, but, it's up to us acknowledge our problem and to our willpower to recovery from it. I'm reading some partners stories here, they are all touching, I really wanted to be able to help those people. The most frustating is when the addicted doesn't acknowledge his problem. But maybe, even if these relationships ends, sometime in the future those persons will discovery their addiction because of the events today.

If you are a partner of a addicted, and if you are in a hopeless situation, I think that at least you can confort yourself knowing that what you are doing today is for love, and is to help, even if it hurts this is something that will be remembered. Maybe those guys will come here years from now, telling a story about how they lost the love of their lives, and they will finally have the strengh to do something about their addiction. 

 

[SDene]

Thanks for sharing your perspective and I'm sorry for the hell you are going through. Wishing you strength and healing.
I have been tolerant of my husband's porn use for years with the promise from him not to do chat, webcams, pay for anything and to use just occasionally. Trying to be open minded I even suggested we watch together for fun, to take some of the secretiveness out of it, but he didn't want to do that. I don't know how much he is using, but a lot of opportunity is there because he works at home and I work outside the home. A few times I have forgotten something and come back home and found him already in front of the computer with porn. I know he uses on his phone as well. Knowing what I know now, I think our relationship has suffered over the last year because of this.Recently he has developed ED. Very fit and healthy with no medical issues and he is really worried. I have been trying gently to get him to read some of the research I have found. Trying to be patient and compassionate. But the more I read the more I want this crap out of my house and marriage. I just hope he can face up to the fact that the porn can screw up your brain, your body, and your marriage.