Finding the connection between the person and the addict

[treehugger513]

One of the  toughest battles I have been having with this process is understanding my PA as an addict. There is so much disconnect between what I know and love about him and what his addiction has done to us.

He is so loving, respectful and protective of me. Yet through his addiction he disrespected and hurt me. He made me feel so unloved. He is so open and willing to communicate so how could he lie, deceive and make so many empty promises to me? He made me feel so full and complete and then through his addiction made me feel so cold, lonely and ugly.

It's almost as if addiction made him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Now, through his recovery, I feel as though I see my PA as a whole person. He is much happier and so full of life. It is like he has been given permission to be himself. I just have such a hard time viewing him capable of all that he has done to me. It almost seems as though he was living two lives. It's a scary thought, but it is also comforting to know that he let me in on the darkest parts of his life. It helps me realize he trusts me enough to help him face his flaws and help him fight his hardest battle. Maybe through the flames we will become closer and rise through the ashes. Better than before.

 

[Gracie]

Go over to the blog Love You Hate the Porn.  http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/  This has an archive of articles and also has tabs across the top of the page.  There is also a book by the same name.  It will help you both understand each other.  It was immense help in understanding this whole thing.  I recommend it all the time.  My husband and I both read it all.  It was the biggest help.

 

[Maxime]

First step would be to first stop using PA to refer to the person. You are reducing him to his addiction, and want it or not, it is also affecting your view of him, probably negatively.

 

[Steam rolled]

One of the  toughest battles I have been having with this process is understanding my PA as an addict. There is so much disconnect between what I know and love about him and what his addiction has done to us.

He is so loving, respectful and protective of me. Yet through his addiction he disrespected and hurt me. He made me feel so unloved. He is so open and willing to communicate so how could he lie, deceive and make so many empty promises to me? He made me feel so full and complete and then through his addiction made me feel so cold, lonely and ugly.

It's almost as if addiction made him Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Now, through his recovery, I feel as though I see my PA as a whole person. He is much happier and so full of life. It is like he has been given permission to be himself. I just have such a hard time viewing him capable of all that he has done to me. It almost seems as though he was living two lives. It's a scary thought, but it is also comforting to know that he let me in on the darkest parts of his life. It helps me realize he trusts me enough to help him face his flaws and help him fight his hardest battle. Maybe through the flames we will become closer and rise through the ashes. Better than before.

I have read this over & over trying make sense of the pain or some help for you/us  with not a whole lot of help but some.
This is unfortunately all very common feelings.
over and over i used to on a daily basis wondered the same exact things as you word for word. ( has slowed down with time and his honest actions )

I really want it to stop completely and move on as it seems you do.

So as you read to the part HE IS MUCH HAPPIER and so on that's the part you/we need to focus on more! Try,try try.
though its easy to say but in order to keep sanity for all we have to focus more on the GOOD that has come out of this horror.

I have been on this path of self destruction for some time now feeling cold,lonely & ugly don't put the shield down and most of all WHY!!!
That its like we become addicted to feeling this way and its hard to get out of the longer we hold onto feeling that way.
Don't make the same mistake i have made and that is keep up a routine thought process and not let it go.
As my therapist assured me, knowing the person i know NOW and actually been wondering for so long where he disappeared to and all the signs that just got brushed off that  if he goes back to the bad habit his actions will show almost immediately.
I believe that!

And also Gracies advise to read is also a great help!


Good luck be strong!