Wife no help

[olafthewise]

In my balanced life, I am unemployed and have been for years. I am on welfare, it like a wage and I am entitled to it for my one of my children. My wife works and longs for me to get a job because she is wearing down and cannot continue.
As a 52 year old, fit, intelligent and Christian man, I live with this status of unemployment alone. My wife is around but not sexually available. recently she scolded me for my meanness and said I needed to shape up or sex would never happen again. As it is, she has Vaginismus (sexual coital pain) and has had it for a year without attempting treatment. She is a prude, meaning I get a lousy (that's low quality) hand job about once per week. She hides her nudity from me so for years so I sought out soft porn to make up for it.
Recently I mentioned that if I got sex every 2-3 days, I would be 50% happier. add to that 10% happiness with fitness and health, then add that we have limited amount money to live in a middle class neighborhood and plenty of healthy food, another 10% and another 10% because I am a Christian (identity only, not answered prayer). Therefore I can be 80% happy in my unemployed condition.

Reality: I get a lousy hand job, once per week... that is better than nothing. So take away the 50% from my 80% happiness and I am 30% happy. So I get cranky. I don't have a temper. So my wife expects me to walk around happy with a dumb grin on my face without being sexually fulfilled, without a career to fall back on and now give up the excitement of porn.

So I relapsed and went to my soft porn pics web site for a few days. I didn't dive into it fully. I then went into a deep, deep depression. I was in the middle of a 15 day sex starvation (she refused to sexually stimulate me). period when this occurred.  I went crazy!
So, I decided to just go back to NOT viewing any porn, partially nude, fitness girls, etc.
The result: despite my depressive conditions, my depression decreased and I felt better. Finally after 15 days she sexually stimulated me (it was rushed, she was not nude and not a completed, fulfilled hand job. It was just bad.
But, my depression lifted and I am just better. My conclusion is that porn even in small amounts is as bad as heroin! 

The bad news is that my life continues to be bad. My wife has numerous excuses to be a prude in bed and any depression I have is the result of looking for a job.
I envy those who have jobs and at least a wife willing to be sexually exciting in bed while quitting porn!

 

[Listener]

I'm a computer analyst by profession and we have a certain approach to the complex problems. It is called "divide and concur".
From your post I see several separate issues that can be approached one at the time and maybe that will help you. I will not impose my advises on you simply because I can divide the situation on number of different problems each is smaller than the original and therefore maybe easier to resolve.
1 You've mentioned that you are unemployed and on welfare. I have never been in that situation and just guessing that it is not your choice. Is there something physically wrong? (You don't need to tell me what is it exactly, just "yes" or "no")
It is possible that whatever you'll earn might not worth financially an effort, but there is another side to employment. You might just feel better... As a man you probably know what I'm talking about. Maybe you not even admitting it to yourself, but just earning living might make you feel better?
2 You've mentioned that your wife works a lot. Is it possible that she just not "in the mood" for a reason? Never mind some medical condition that you have mentioned, we'll talk about it a bit later.
I remember talking to a woman sometime ago on somewhat related topic and she said something interesting: "I can work all day, come home cook, clean, do laundry. By the time I get to bed I feel like just worked like a horse. As a man would you rather have in bed with you a "queen" or a work horse?"
Think if you can do something about it. I cannot tell you what is it that you can do, but I bet if you ask your wife, she'll come up with the list longer than your county voter's registration.
Not that you can do everything on that list, but just see how far you can get?
3 Your wife medical condition. That (assuming that is the real thing and not something that is in her head) is the medical condition and can probably be addressed by a doctor rather than a prayer. Not that I'm against praying or religion of any kind but there is an old joke about a very religious man during the flood.
When the water was up to his ankles the military truck passed by and offered help.
No, thank you, G-d will help me
When the water was up to the windows the boat with rescue squad passed by.
No, thank you, G-d will help me
When the water was up to the roof, the helicopter passed by...
Once again. No, thank you, G-d will help me...
Finally man drown and met his creator.
My Lord, why did you forsaken me? I was your faithful servant all my life?
What do you mean? I've send the truck for you, I've send the boat for you, I've send the helicopter....

 

[Chile]

I've missed hearing from you Olaf.

Listener, I'll bet you're an awesome friend, just as your name here attests.

Olaf, I feel for you brother. I never have anything fun to do or anyone to do it with. It's been that way for at least 10 years. Your situation is extremely frustrating, worse than mine ever was. I have learned in the last few years that I don't have any problems, and zero needs, when I only look to God to meet me where I'm at and give me what I need. I know you share the same faith as me so I'm not trying to push anything on you, but I still feel like my words are very preachy and superficial. Your situation with your wife sounds similar to me and my wife a few years ago. I finally stopped asking her for sex and started giving her what she wanted without any consideration of my legitimate needs. Needless to say I wasn't perfect in carrying out that plan, and I still have many nights where I go to sleep sexually frustrated, but I can honestly say that my plan, although very imperfect in its execution, has got me to that 80% happiness level you talk about. Wishing you the best my friend.

 

[olafthewise]

clarification;
my wife is ill and out of energy for legitimate reasons. I am not being unreasonable. Just an interesting fling with her once per week would suffice (even though I need 2 times per week) but she is a prude and sits there clueless as to what to do when I say the hand job isn't working.
      during the week, she will be tired and refuse activity with me, then work all day in the garden on Saturday and use up what little energy she has and go to sleep at night quickly due to overuse of her resources. She does indeed have many psychological problems while at the same time is an excellent and knowledgeable social worker. She often makes up outlandish lies about things my kids say about me. since we have Kaiser for insurance, she wants a legitimate English sounding doctor and often is referred to a foreign doctor who she has not seen. I see her reasoning; she does not want to spread her legs for just anyone. She would prefer a doctor who is at least American. I can see this. however it has been 13 months now.

I do indeed do most if not all the housework. weekends are best to assume sex but are an excuse into mediocrity. I can say that she is not meaning to refuse me. however, I am the husband and she is the ONLY outlet for sex. Depression and anxiety are all reduced with a healthy amount of sex for a man. In my situation, she is more comfortable to NOT have sex and here is her philosophy; "her husband should see that she is not interested and turn off his sex drive and serve her at her bedside often checking on her saying sweet nothings to her all day," all while refusing sex because I should just be " a good guy."

The reality is that I hate my life. most of my kids hate me including my wife who tolerates me. Most people think I am a gift from God because I have special needs kids.
I wasted over 10 years on a particular career that never took off. Then after all I did, I was fired! then I turned 50...now I am depressed and my wife has a unique opportunity to help her husband to be happy and she refuses while demanding that the physiology of mankind be changed or manipulated. She knows that a healthy amount of sex would make her depressed husband happier, instead she criticizes natural hormones, demands that I get happy and presents a list of changes I need to make in order to be a better man! In the end she is happier to refuse. mostly its just easier to do nothing. so she does just that!

 

[Listener]

Oh, man, I do hear you!!!
It is almost my story going back about 12 years.
My wife is healthy and always was, I never have been without a job (knock on wood). But the rest of the story is the same: I do my share of work at home, I earn twice as much as my wife, but the rest of the story...
I understand there are advice columns in Japanese business periodicals written almost exclusively by the businessman, who failed in their business.
I feel this is what I'm doing.
There is a wisdom in this approach: my way failed, so try something else.
I stop having sex with my wife about 12 years ago, maybe longer. For a while I found a woman "on the side", who had similar needs to mine. And for a while it worked. But things change with time and even though I was willing to continue, she had other circumstances and we no longer meet. We are still friends and write each other from time to time, but nothing more than that.
So there is an alternative. It worked for few years, maybe it will work for you... 

 

[Fappy]

Good to hear from you olaf mate.
Your wife still sounds like a cold, calculating and prudish woman.
She should at least try some new handjob techniques if she wont allow you inside her.
Does she understand the male need to sexually satisfy their urges regularly? Im sure theres plenty of resources on the net about it, medical journals, etc...
She needs to get educated!
Have you asked what will make her want sex?

Fap

 

[olafthewise]

further clarification;
My wife belittles my sexual desires and fantasies...that is when we do talk about sex. However, talking about my sex "needs" (I need to be careful here; sex needs are not really essential to life, but having a baby and getting pregnant is a natural desire but in her view, my sex needs are not the same and therefore not as important as desiring to be pregnant) continuing...that discussion on sex alludes to her not feeling it from me and that I am the one in control and I need to make her feel more "wanted and like a princess." Of course, during this process of treating her better, I get nothing. In the end, all her talk has netted me nothing.

I read somewhere that women need emotional connection and men need a sexual or physical connection. For the man, a woman may be able to satisfy this easily, while the emotional connection is next to impossible to completely satisfy. This is where all those long phone calls to girlfriends and mothers create an emotional connection that makes up for all the stuff a husband cannot completely do. When he is left without sex, he empties. when the wife cannot connect to him she calls her friends and they connect on all the "gossip" or other stuff she needs in order to connect on an emotional level. Women often have more bible studies than men because the bible study is a way to connect emotionally to God and other women. The man needs sex and cannot get it from any other place regardless of his creative thinking.

you see, my wife connects daily with other friends and family and unloads on me all her day stuff. Here is where I get to connect with her......("crickets sound") Oh and its all my fault. The other day she lectured me on everything and I have to concede, but really, I get nothing in the end. Her lousy, clothed, rushed hand job made me feel like a paid stud-dog, and this was after 15 days with no sex.

On the subject of "girlfriend on the side." I'm bad at meeting people, my self esteem is low and I'm 52. What woman, in my sexual desperation, would want to be with me?? and when would I do it? I have kids to watch when my wife is not here. an autistic son as well. Oh and adultery is a defense that women use on their husband to not have sex with them. Am I so desperate to want the very imperfect nude body of a strange woman who is at or near my age? am I so hard-up??


lets face it; I have to avoid porn alone. fight depression alone. job search alone. And her being there for me like a good loyal wife is fantasy!
Even if she gets into bed nude tonight (which she says is a difficult favor for me) what sex act will she do? aside from poor hand jobs and painful coital sex, she does NOTHING!!! Nothing guys....nothing ok nada nothing.
imagine trying to please the unemployed husband in bed...exciting huh? no. I expect nothing.
like I said; I hate, hate hate my life!!
God has not abandoned me, He has ruined me by doing very little because I screw up so easy.

 

[Fappy]

Hmmmmmm... Its a trying sexual situation to be sure.
What about trying something that isnt a handjob. Theres plenty, PLENTY, of other methods for her to get you off. For example, (excuse my vulgarities), tit job, anal, arse job, prostate stimulation or simply her letting you wank into her mouth or something. These are just some of the alternatives. Before i treated my sexual problem these worked for me.

Faizzle

 

[1Kdavid]

In some ways I can relate to your story. My wife dealt with abuse at an early age.  Even she didn't realize the negative impact it had in her view of sexuality.  I was used to sex like once every 4-6wks. This was even when I was working.  It seeme smile sex was only for special occasions.  Anniversary, vacation, when something really good happened like a work bonus. Live also been through the view of a woman toward her unemployed man.  My plant shut down.  I lost a job and we lost house.  It seemed she was only willing to be intimate if I could afford vacations and keep the house.  Her speech toward me and atitude toward me turned me off.  So eventually this led to me not even desiring her sexually.  I began to hate her.  I didn't hate my life though and loved/still love my kids.  I got a "friend" outside the marriage and eventually told her.  I didn't want to live a lie.  In the meantime, over the course of a few years, she began to change.  She began to want to have sex.  Thing is, I was turned off by her now.  Not only was PMO an issue, but my dislike of her as a person kept me from getting aroused.  I didn't want to touch her and only wanted her as a friend.  I eventually left.  She wanted to work it out. Is and realized all of her negative energy had helped turn me cold.  I just didn't feel I could change.  If I could go back, I would have stopped PMO.  Not because I was in a sexual paradise, but because I would have been bettering myself as a man.  If I had done my job, and been emotionally and spiritually healthy, when she turned around I would have been a me to receive her.  Because I wasn't on the job and lost in a work of PMO along with the difficult life circumstances, I now have a failed marriage.  I went to school when I was unemployed and now am working.  Working too much in fact.  But one thing I will never do again.  I will never met a woman knock me from my spot.  Not emotionally, spiritually, or physically.  I will never say, "she isn't doing this,so I won't so this...or I'm gonna do this instead."  I will know that if I remain spiritually clean, I will get s blessing in the end.  So I'm not preaching to you at all.  I have my own sins and mistakes to atone for.  But if possible, I would recommend that you quit PMO for you.  Don't do it based on a bad sex life.  Because that happens from time to time even with the best relationships.  Do it to make yourself a better man.  Stop asking her for hand jobs.  Stop asking her for favors.  Just center yourself.  Stop PMO and your personal confidence will grow. Your libido will level out.  When we PMO we have a sex drive that is in hyperdrive.  After you stop it will become normal.  It will still be there, but not in a way that drives you crazy.  Get a hobby.  Get new job skills.  Find employment.  I got a degree and a job when I was off.  It was truly a blessing, but you have to work for those.  Don't look for work on the Internet.  Put in a suit and tie, go to a potential employer, and ask them for a job face-to-face.  But most of all, stop begging her for sexual favors.  Don't allow her any more power over you.  You control you.  Stop PMO at all costs and become emotionally and spiritually powerful.  When you find work, rejoice and let that add to your confidence.  When you get a job, maybe mention the hot receptionist or a hot co worker but nonchalantly.  Don't start a new relationship, but regain confidence in your masculinity with conversation with real women.  Eventually, she may have a change of heart about your desires.  But you have to ignore her for awhile and focus on rebooting/rebalancing your own brain first.  Women are attracted to confidence and actually want to open their legs for these type of men.  When you get to this point, she may begin to seek ways to please you.  But even if she doesn't, for your own dignity, don't PMO.  She will never respect you.  Worse, you will never respect yourself.  Having confidence in yourself along with a had dick, although horny, is way better than a limo dick and no self-confidence.

 

[spree]

How come you don't get a job man?  It sounds like that would be a big shot in the arm for bettering your life.  Why not do that?

 

[olafthewise]

Dear Spree,
                  Your question is the question of the hour! Why...don't I just get...a job?? Hmm. well, let's look. I began at 25 with a law enforcement job. That alone was difficult for a white conservative male like myself. I had trouble with being distracted with a failed adoption so my "rookie ratings" fell and I was looking at being fired so I quit. My plan was to reapply later and an injury slowed that process. Then there were other delays and several years went by. I then went to work for a national food company where I stayed until I was fired in 2009. My law enforcement career came to an end in 2002 (or so) when a lesbian sued our company for sexual harassment and named me (though innocent) as one of the harassers. This ruined my future chances with anyone. I went to school to get an associates degree in computers. so I remained with the sales job (that I hated) until my daughter who has mental problems and living out of state, escaped from her mental health facility and was date raped. The following day I crashed my work truck, injured my neck and was eventually fired, in 2009.
Now, I hate sales. but being stuck in a sales job for 18 years doesn't give many options. I felt that looking for sales jobs would fall apart because I hate them. technical jobs wanted real experience, which I don't have...working on your home computer is not accepted as experience.
With my experience in mental health, I applied for those sort of jobs and signed up for grad school in 2011. That fell apart due to one poor grade...remember I have 6+ kids many with special needs...so I left that grad school and signed up for a new one in 2014 to work on a master's degree in psychology.
Again, I have no real experience "working" in a mental health job.
I have applied to all three types of jobs; sales, computer jobs and mental health jobs. No one calls, no one emails me, no one in my family, church or otherwise helps me. I told people once that I was unemployed and I don't advertise it because it looks bad. I usually tell people I am looking for a "different" job in order to appear I am working. This too has proven fruitless.

My wife once applied to the same job as I in mental health. I applied 3 times she was called within a week and had the job in a month!!

Ok?
my story on employment ends here. I am 52. Although my wife says that my status doesn't affect her sexual feelings, I beg to differ.

Imagine me as a lawyer or company manager or fireman with my wife...compared to me, unemployed. who would you feel more like having sex with???

 

[Fappy]

Job or no, the point is the man's wife doesnt put out or make any effort to pleasure him.
It shouldn't matter if the husband is homeless! If there is love then sex acts are possible.
Hunter S Thompson said:
"Sex without love is meaningless, so is love without sex."
If the tables were turned and it was a woman who wasnt getting sexual satisfaction from the man i bet she wouldnt put up with it. Women are even louder than men when it comes to this type of thing. Despite what society says, women want sex just as much as men and are just as filthy. Im not naming any names, but women are DIRTY.
She needs to love him for the person he is, not for the job he doesnt have.

Fap

 

[jjyb]

You may be right, that may be the point of this thread. But I think the point of this website is for people who have a problem with porn and want to get over that problem.  This is not mywifeisabitchsoIcantbehappy.com; I'm sure that would be a very popular site but I doubt it would help many people. I used to think I was the victim of a bad relationship and stuck with a wife with some big shortcomings, then it was pointed out to me to my great surprise and shock that victimization was a huge theme with me, and at that point I started to get better.  I still go there all time, but I can see it a bit more clearly now.

Which leads me to the question: 50% of your happiness is based on good sex?  You might want to question that belief. I am far from good at it, but I personally believe that I get to choose what makes me happy and what beliefs I want to buy into or not. At this point in my life, 0% of my happiness is based on sex (wasn't always that way).  There are many things that seem to give me greater peace of mind, such as being productive, eating right, walking, taking time out, working on spiritual growth, being true to myself, being helpful to others, appreciating what I have, etc.  I have noticed that when I put my personal happiness in the hands of someone or something outside of myself that I am doomed to fail.  It's either not enough and I want more/better, or I become afraid that I will lose what I have.  Of course I forget this all the time, but I'm getting there.

I love what 1Kdavid says, I think he is spot on.  I was in the same exact same boat as you at one point. And the more I focused on my wife's shortcomings the less I focused on myself and my issues.  Over time I found that it was much easier and much more rewarding to fix myself then it was to try and fix her.  And when I started fixing myself the problems I had with her didn't seem like such big problems anymore.  You say 50% - I felt like she was 75% of the reason why I wasn't happy, but now those exact same items which are still there only feel like 3%, if even that.

As far as unemployment, I was in a very similar place.  I am a technical person with a technical degree but for whatever reason I thought I would chase money out of college and I ended up in a career in sales that I hated even though I was very good at it, much like yourself.  I mostly worked from home on a pure commission basis, and the last 10 years of my sales career I didn't work much at all and was making almost no money, now I have a huge debt. I wanted to get out of sales but as you stated, it's hard to do without any other experience.  Then I started volunteering (not to get another job, but because I was sick of being selfish and so wrapped up in myself), at a local homeless shelter and a few other places.  Turns out that volunteering led to a full-time technical job, and now I am out of sales and have several years of technical experience on my resume. Volunteering can be an excellent way to change things up; it looks great on a resume (yes, volunteer work can be put on a resume) and can lead to new contacts and opportunities.

 

[Listener]

Great post jjyb!!! My happiness was dependent for a long time on the happiness of others. And there is no reason to discard the drive to help others, but our happiness should not depend on the success of that mission.

 

[Fappy]

Excellent post jjyb, we chose what makes us happy and shouldnt blame others for our unhappiness.
But if some people's happiness is derived from slamming their wife then we cant really say anything. The wife is depriving the man of his happiness (ploughing) and seemingly making no effort to offer happiness. If happiness can be fulfilled from a lazy and pathetic handjob on a saturday morning then the OP wouldnt be complaining.

 

[olafthewise]

ok...I'm virtually tapping my fingers here....
Men are visual. Fact. I read this often, hopefully we all agree; porn is a visual thing, men are visual, therefore men and porn are making/spending money and time, etc.
Therefore I am visual. I discovered porn years ago. I wanted a good looking wife. I got one. I wanted exciting sex. I got it from her. I never realized that sex reduces a mans anxiety. I only recently discovered this.
Some years ago, my wife became cold sexually. (do I need to slow down anyone?) ok...continuing...my answer to less sex was inside of a context of availability; I don't do prostitutes, can't afford escorts or a mistress. I tried begging the wife. The answer was porn. (ok, everyone got it) I took notes on my porn reactions some years ago. my conclusion was that porn and masturbation gave me a 2 day relief. real sex gave me 3-4 days relief. Sex with my wife had no immorality guilt, porn did. Although PMO was a relief, it was also shameful. Very shameful. A reluctant wife having sex with me was still guilt free. Porn induced orgasm was never a victorious relaxing thing. and it only lasted a short period of time. Plus the porn took hours of my time and with kids, this was bad. So, depression from external sources can be relieved from sexual relations with my wife. However, the damage done to me from years of unemployment affected her attitude and she lost the ability to see me as successful, regardless of any faking it. So yes sex improves my attitude and reduces depression.

It has been a grueling day as I have sent out a couple of resume's that likely do not meet the qualifications required for those jobs. I am depressed as ever and since she essentially wants me to move around with a dumb grin on my face, I feel worse.
Happiness is in a job. When you have one you worry less.

 

[spree]

Idk man I mean personally I think most of his problems are from how he feels about himself. I think a job would help him. It would give hom confidence and raise his attractiveness to his wife (or the next woman if it goes to that). Regardless, I dont see how a porn reboot helps if he doesnt reboot his self esteem. He has a really good feel for the things that make him unhappy. Work on those things.

And honestly. While I know this site is for guys with porn addictions, it's a support site for guys period, and if he has a diff problem, he should still be supported with it.

 

[olafthewise]

I started this thread for a reason. We all come to this site for reasons and methods to stop the PMO. For me it?s just the porn since older age limits the "O" part. I am addicted to pictures of soft porn. That is not to say that I don't see anything else that's pornographic, but a major portion of my addiction is soft porn. I view the stuff to relieve depression and increase brain stimulation. The down side is that I become more depressed and my brain has become ADD (attention deficit). Also it costs me time. Lot?s of time. So, I look for solutions, because like a lot of you, it is addicting and we cannot stop even though we want to. My recent discovery was after a one day relapse of soft porn. My depression was so bad I suspected that day?s porn viewing to be an amplifier to depression. So I stopped, again. My first reaction to the relapse of porn viewing and then stopping it was relaxation. Then I forgot about sex for a few days. Then I stabilized. I went back to where I was. Where was I? boring life, no money, on welfare, kids driving me crazy, wife lecturing/criticizing me constantly, etc. The porn problem is mine, I just need to stay off of it.

Anyway, here are some solutions to porn I've heard:
? Throw the computer away.
? Pray. Pray hard with sincerity. Have others pray too. Go to a pastor and have him pray. Pray twice a day, three times a day?heck pray every hour, get the whole bible study to pray too! (yeah all 40-50 of them)  Negotiate with God. Or,
? Read your bible a lot instead of porn.
? Make written goals of not exposing yourself to porn.
? Get real busy.
? Work more.
? Move the computer to a visible place in the house in front of everyone.
? Get porn-blocking software.
? Reboot with fundamental goal of daily media elimination habits.
? Get wife or girlfriend to ?be there for you sexually? in order to eliminate temptation.
? Get accountability partner to question your daily media habits in order to put your habits out there.
Did I miss any?
The use of the wife to help with porn is a trick. She cannot get you off porn, but she can make things more exciting and take off the edge when you need stimulation. Sex without porn is the goal. Porn is a fake satisfaction that damages us. My personal problems started the porn. It simply got out of control and cost me hours at a time. Time I need back, but can never recover.

 

[Listener]

I won't go through your entire list for two reasons:
Some of you suggestions are not realistic (at least not for everyone). For example trowing away your computer. If you can do it, well by all means. But you probably not the only one who is using it. Not for the same purpose, hopefully, but nevertheless. Can your kids do their homework today without it? Does your wife using it for some reasons? In my house everyone have their own computer, but even if you have the same situation, will you trust yourself not to use someone else's?
Some suggestions I just don't know much about.
I don't really see pray as help in itself. But that's me, if some people believe they can cure any problem by praying, more power to them. I think, for true believer it is helpful, but only along side with some other effort. If you go back on this line, you can probably find my story of the pious man, who drawn and blamed G-d in not helping him...
Some suggestions I think are very helpful:
Forming an accountability group. This whole site, I think is formed for this purpose. If not exclusively, at least to the large extend. Maybe you want something more private, like having "a few real baddies"? I hear you, man. Let's do it. I can think of a thing or two to help.
Moving computer to some more visible place is also a good idea. I use it myself. It does not solves the problem, but it goes long way to help. I will not elaborate how... Maybe in some different line.
I can add one thing, that might be of help.
You probably read the book or saw the video on YouTube, that started this whole "reboot nation". If you remember a point from it about masturbation: the guilt about it brings more harm than masturbation itself.
If your sexual frustration is accumulating, sooner or later it will explode in some form or another. And this is when you are more vulnerable to relapse. If there are no alternatives (and I will talk about alternatives a bit later), there is nothing wrong with masturbation in itself.
The important part is: no use of pornography. Try not even use your imagination, just a mechanical stimulation, no different then if you were taking some kind of pill or physical therapy.
Now about "alternatives" and that is the part that bothers me the most in your post:
You are talking about your wife as something to ?be there for you sexually? (that's the quote, if I'm not clear enough).
Try to imagine if you told her that in her face. What would be the reaction? "Something"?... Is she a thing?
Come on, man, you are smarter than this.
One thing ALL OF US on this site are missing is the connection between sex and human relationship.
I wish I could change this part of my life, but it is in the past. I cannot change the past. NONE OF US can.
But we can change the future.
It does not matter what you decide to change, but whether it is your wife or someone else, you have to remember that they just like you are great fans of radio station WIIFM... Never heard of it? "What's In It For Me"
Listen to your wife (or girlfriend, if you decide to go that route). Try really to hear what they say. What do they want out of relationship? Sex might or might not come out of this, but at least you'll know what next step to take....

 

[olafthewise]

ok, mr listener,
                      Once again I need to make clarifications. I assume you are Jewish. No matter. The list is not exhaustive. It is meant to be ridiculously useful. I use several of them in different quantities. Let's look at some;

On throwing out the computer, not realistic. The real addict will see a new one on sale at the mall and buy it, thus starting the PMO all over again.
Putting the computer out in front of the family is not 100% effective but acts as a deterrent so that during family waking hours, you will be forced to do legitimate surfing and email enquiries.
Praying. Jesus said to cut your arm off if it makes you sin. Lets look deeper into this; If sin is a very important thing for you to defeat, then the "cut your arm off" practice will make some sense. However, the literal act of cutting out eyes or other instruments of sin can make more practical sense. An example would be to unplug the hotel tv and wrap it in an electrical tie. This way you don't throw it away but take practical steps to avoid sin by doing something you know is too tempting for you. Victory is then wrapped in a battle plan in order to win the battle. The war rages on.
As for prayer, Christianity has never been meant to be an "armchair faith. action is necessary. God wants to know how much you are willing to do to get out of the mess you started. He is there to answer the prayer but works differently in all people.
lastly on the wife or girlfriend being "useful" in being a practical help during this PMO battle; although I didn't mean to make her look like an object, people who are not Christian make outlandish accusations in order to make me and other Christians look heartless and thereby discredit the faith. so I'll emphasize the subject again. The wife or girlfriend does indeed play a role in combatting PMO. The amount of her responsibility is limited. Men need sexual release. She provides it. If she does not, temptation is at your door. It is ultimately the man's responsibility to overcome PMO and to enhance the relationship for the benefit of both the man and the woman. If she refuses to help, as in my wife's case (and my wife does not know of my porn addiction or recovery), the man is subject to temptation especially in a sexualized world as ours. But, it is still his responsibility to stay off porn regardless of her lack of "help." which is what this whole thread is all about.