B
Branch
Guest
"The obstacle is the path."
--a Zen saying
I'm a retired academic. I enjoyed my career. I'm also an artist; I'm not famous but have had some success with my work. I'm 60, divorced, have a daughter.
I was married for 15 years. My ex and I are now friends.
Until I got hooked on porn about 3 years ago, I'd seen 3 porn flicks. As a college student, I saw a porn one at a frat party. I saw one some years later at a bachelor's party, and one more a colleague was watching at work when I happened to enter his office. That's it. I had no interest in porn. I preferred the real thing.
I've always had pretty good luck with women. Actually, excellent luck. I've never tried to count how many lovers I've had because it would be dehumanizing to them and me. Sex is never simply or only physical. No, I wasn't in love with every woman I've had sex with, but I was fond of all them.
When not in a sexual relationship, I masturbated pretty regularly-- never to the degree that it interfered with any other part of my life, but enough that no m makes no p more of a challenge. Or maybe giving up m is a challenge because before porn I never thought there was anything wrong with it.
How did I get hooked on porn? A few years ago I went through a very bad time. I moved from where I'd had my career to a new area, into a small house I'd bought (where I still live). The smaller bedroom makes a nice studio with a view. It seemed to be an idyllic place to work, enjoy natural beauty, and spend time with friends who live nearby.
Unfortunately, the house had a number of problems the home inspector missed, including stuff growing in the HVAC system that made me ill. The illness was life-threatening. The problems with the house resulted in costly renovations. One contractor broke an HOA rule I'd specifically told him about twice. He later admitted he lied when he said he wouldn't break it. Due to this violation of its rules, the HOA threatened to force me to replace a large part of the exterior. After months of haggling, they let me off with a fine.
These setbacks consumed my first year here. Fortunately, I recovered from the illness and got the renovations done, but the illness, hassles, expenses, and disappointment had taken their toll. I felt like I'd been through the wringer.
I'm divorced and wasn't in a relationship at the time. I'd heard how amazing internet porn and was curious about it--which even now strikes me as strange, because I'd always been indifferent about it. All I can say is I was at a low point and wasn't quite myself. Taking the attitude that porn is free speech, masturbation is OK, and I could use some stress relief, I decided to indulge. The first night, I entered "porn" in the search box, but just before I hit "return," I had a premonition that told me not to do it. I hesitated and wavered, but decided the feeling was bogus--probably just my Catholic upbringing coming back to haunt me--and hit "return."
How I wish I could have that moment back. I'd had some misfortune but I can only blame myself for not listening to my inner voice and for making a bad decision.
I was amazed by how much internet porn is out there--I guess I was the last to know, but I had no idea. At first porn was fun, a real novelty. I liked watching hot young women in joi/pov videos. I had no idea porn could be addictive and pmo could become an all-consuming problem. Nonetheless, I knew watching porn is a dehumanizing violation of my core values. Within a few months I suspected I had a problem. I was losing control. After a few more months, I knew I was addicted.
I've tried many times to quit. I've enrolled in three on-line porn addiction recovery programs. I've read three books on the subject. I've read pretty much everything on yourbrainonporn.com. I've joined other on-line support communities. I've read about the psychology and physiology of addiction and the various kinds of treatment available. I've read about the Stages of Change. I sought the help of the only therapist within 50 miles who treats sexual issues. I emailed her about my problem and she replied that she could help. But during the appointment she said she had never treated porn addiction before and had literally no specific suggestions on how to quit porn and regain control. Disappointing, to say the least.
As a part a recent attempt to quit, I've been reading an amazing book, "The Willpower Instinct," which has helped me increase my willpower--that is, when I use the suggestions. I've also been reading and studying Doidge's "Acquiring Tastes and Loves" (from Gary Wilson on yourbrainonporn.com). It's full of invaluable information.
I've learned a lot about addiction and brain plasticity. I understand the effects of porn on my brain, and I know what to do to reverse those effects. During times of lucidity, I've done my homework. During periods of abstinence, I've seen what works and what doesn't.
So why haven't I quit? Good question. The short answer is, knowledge is power, but only when you're mindful of it and put it into practice. Too often I temporarily forget it.
Why? The fog sweeps it away. The fog, the pmo-inducing fog that so easily makes me, or allows me to, forget everything I know. The narcotic fog that rolls in daily and hijacks my thoughts and threatens to steal my time and does so once I give in. In that fog I'm a mindless pair of eyes that craves visions of porn, a mindless penis that desperate to be stroked, and a mindless hand crazy to stroke it. Or so it seems--actually it's all just my porn-addled brain crying out for a dopamine fix. Once in awhile, somewhere in the vague background my better self--in psychological terms, my executive function, the nexus of my humanity in my frontal lobe--tells me not to indulge, or to stop indulging once I'm back at it. The fog doesn't eradicate who I am and aspire to be, but it comes damn close.
I like what I've read so far on this website. Good comments. Useful guidelines. And maybe most of all, an open and straight-forward acknowledgment of the hard 90--the hard 90 days of withdrawal. The recovery programs I've tried pretty much ignore withdrawal. Books and articles on addiction discuss it, but the books on recovery that I've read don't have much to say about it or how to get through it. Kudos to this forum and to William for putting it front and center in a realistic way. I like honesty and putting first things first. For me getting through withdrawal is the number one challenge in recovery. It was when I quit smoking years ago after many failed attempts, and it has been when I've tried to quit porn.
Twenty days without porn or pmo is my personal best. Several times I've gone seven or eight days. I've been addicted for over three years now.
My main trigger is my computer. I can't avoid the computer for long because I do a lot of my work as an artist on it. It's a problem. I've put time and activity limits on my computer use, but thus far haven't held myself to them. It's a challenge I have to figure out and overcome.
I still do my work almost everyday, though usually put less time into it than I need to or want to. Porn has stolen so much of my time. God knows how much. I get sick just thinking about it. Porn also steals energy I could be putting into my work. I get sick thinking about that, too. Except for my daughter, my work is the most important thing in my life.
Here comes my old sidekick, the fog. Fie on ye, ye fog, ye bastard!
Despite my porn addiction, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I like her and feel very comfortable with her. She'd like to get serious, which complicates things because I don't. Still, we get together fairly often and always have a good time when we do.
My first short-term goals is to get through today. My second short-term goal is to get through tomorrow. I'll then return to my first short-term goal. My intermediate goals are 20, 30 and 60 days. My first long-term goal is 90 days. My main long-term goal is the rest of my life.
My process goal is to make a determined, focused, relentless, intelligent effort. I've tried to quit, but I haven't made a strong enough effort. I haven't put knowledge into practice. I haven't been resolute. That's what's been missing. Sheer friggin' grit.
Grit, grit and more grit.
Years ago, when I finally quit smoking after many failed attempts, I didn't know for sure I'd succeed, but I did. I don't know if I'll succeed this time and quit porn for good, but I do know that if I stop trying, I'll never quit.
One thing I've learned from smoking and porn is that until you get through withdrawal and past it, addiction never takes a day off. So I have to keep reminding myself--
Until I get past it, my addiction will never take a day off, so I can't. Grit, grit and more grit.
--a Zen saying
I'm a retired academic. I enjoyed my career. I'm also an artist; I'm not famous but have had some success with my work. I'm 60, divorced, have a daughter.
I was married for 15 years. My ex and I are now friends.
Until I got hooked on porn about 3 years ago, I'd seen 3 porn flicks. As a college student, I saw a porn one at a frat party. I saw one some years later at a bachelor's party, and one more a colleague was watching at work when I happened to enter his office. That's it. I had no interest in porn. I preferred the real thing.
I've always had pretty good luck with women. Actually, excellent luck. I've never tried to count how many lovers I've had because it would be dehumanizing to them and me. Sex is never simply or only physical. No, I wasn't in love with every woman I've had sex with, but I was fond of all them.
When not in a sexual relationship, I masturbated pretty regularly-- never to the degree that it interfered with any other part of my life, but enough that no m makes no p more of a challenge. Or maybe giving up m is a challenge because before porn I never thought there was anything wrong with it.
How did I get hooked on porn? A few years ago I went through a very bad time. I moved from where I'd had my career to a new area, into a small house I'd bought (where I still live). The smaller bedroom makes a nice studio with a view. It seemed to be an idyllic place to work, enjoy natural beauty, and spend time with friends who live nearby.
Unfortunately, the house had a number of problems the home inspector missed, including stuff growing in the HVAC system that made me ill. The illness was life-threatening. The problems with the house resulted in costly renovations. One contractor broke an HOA rule I'd specifically told him about twice. He later admitted he lied when he said he wouldn't break it. Due to this violation of its rules, the HOA threatened to force me to replace a large part of the exterior. After months of haggling, they let me off with a fine.
These setbacks consumed my first year here. Fortunately, I recovered from the illness and got the renovations done, but the illness, hassles, expenses, and disappointment had taken their toll. I felt like I'd been through the wringer.
I'm divorced and wasn't in a relationship at the time. I'd heard how amazing internet porn and was curious about it--which even now strikes me as strange, because I'd always been indifferent about it. All I can say is I was at a low point and wasn't quite myself. Taking the attitude that porn is free speech, masturbation is OK, and I could use some stress relief, I decided to indulge. The first night, I entered "porn" in the search box, but just before I hit "return," I had a premonition that told me not to do it. I hesitated and wavered, but decided the feeling was bogus--probably just my Catholic upbringing coming back to haunt me--and hit "return."
How I wish I could have that moment back. I'd had some misfortune but I can only blame myself for not listening to my inner voice and for making a bad decision.
I was amazed by how much internet porn is out there--I guess I was the last to know, but I had no idea. At first porn was fun, a real novelty. I liked watching hot young women in joi/pov videos. I had no idea porn could be addictive and pmo could become an all-consuming problem. Nonetheless, I knew watching porn is a dehumanizing violation of my core values. Within a few months I suspected I had a problem. I was losing control. After a few more months, I knew I was addicted.
I've tried many times to quit. I've enrolled in three on-line porn addiction recovery programs. I've read three books on the subject. I've read pretty much everything on yourbrainonporn.com. I've joined other on-line support communities. I've read about the psychology and physiology of addiction and the various kinds of treatment available. I've read about the Stages of Change. I sought the help of the only therapist within 50 miles who treats sexual issues. I emailed her about my problem and she replied that she could help. But during the appointment she said she had never treated porn addiction before and had literally no specific suggestions on how to quit porn and regain control. Disappointing, to say the least.
As a part a recent attempt to quit, I've been reading an amazing book, "The Willpower Instinct," which has helped me increase my willpower--that is, when I use the suggestions. I've also been reading and studying Doidge's "Acquiring Tastes and Loves" (from Gary Wilson on yourbrainonporn.com). It's full of invaluable information.
I've learned a lot about addiction and brain plasticity. I understand the effects of porn on my brain, and I know what to do to reverse those effects. During times of lucidity, I've done my homework. During periods of abstinence, I've seen what works and what doesn't.
So why haven't I quit? Good question. The short answer is, knowledge is power, but only when you're mindful of it and put it into practice. Too often I temporarily forget it.
Why? The fog sweeps it away. The fog, the pmo-inducing fog that so easily makes me, or allows me to, forget everything I know. The narcotic fog that rolls in daily and hijacks my thoughts and threatens to steal my time and does so once I give in. In that fog I'm a mindless pair of eyes that craves visions of porn, a mindless penis that desperate to be stroked, and a mindless hand crazy to stroke it. Or so it seems--actually it's all just my porn-addled brain crying out for a dopamine fix. Once in awhile, somewhere in the vague background my better self--in psychological terms, my executive function, the nexus of my humanity in my frontal lobe--tells me not to indulge, or to stop indulging once I'm back at it. The fog doesn't eradicate who I am and aspire to be, but it comes damn close.
I like what I've read so far on this website. Good comments. Useful guidelines. And maybe most of all, an open and straight-forward acknowledgment of the hard 90--the hard 90 days of withdrawal. The recovery programs I've tried pretty much ignore withdrawal. Books and articles on addiction discuss it, but the books on recovery that I've read don't have much to say about it or how to get through it. Kudos to this forum and to William for putting it front and center in a realistic way. I like honesty and putting first things first. For me getting through withdrawal is the number one challenge in recovery. It was when I quit smoking years ago after many failed attempts, and it has been when I've tried to quit porn.
Twenty days without porn or pmo is my personal best. Several times I've gone seven or eight days. I've been addicted for over three years now.
My main trigger is my computer. I can't avoid the computer for long because I do a lot of my work as an artist on it. It's a problem. I've put time and activity limits on my computer use, but thus far haven't held myself to them. It's a challenge I have to figure out and overcome.
I still do my work almost everyday, though usually put less time into it than I need to or want to. Porn has stolen so much of my time. God knows how much. I get sick just thinking about it. Porn also steals energy I could be putting into my work. I get sick thinking about that, too. Except for my daughter, my work is the most important thing in my life.
Here comes my old sidekick, the fog. Fie on ye, ye fog, ye bastard!
Despite my porn addiction, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I like her and feel very comfortable with her. She'd like to get serious, which complicates things because I don't. Still, we get together fairly often and always have a good time when we do.
My first short-term goals is to get through today. My second short-term goal is to get through tomorrow. I'll then return to my first short-term goal. My intermediate goals are 20, 30 and 60 days. My first long-term goal is 90 days. My main long-term goal is the rest of my life.
My process goal is to make a determined, focused, relentless, intelligent effort. I've tried to quit, but I haven't made a strong enough effort. I haven't put knowledge into practice. I haven't been resolute. That's what's been missing. Sheer friggin' grit.
Grit, grit and more grit.
Years ago, when I finally quit smoking after many failed attempts, I didn't know for sure I'd succeed, but I did. I don't know if I'll succeed this time and quit porn for good, but I do know that if I stop trying, I'll never quit.
One thing I've learned from smoking and porn is that until you get through withdrawal and past it, addiction never takes a day off. So I have to keep reminding myself--
Until I get past it, my addiction will never take a day off, so I can't. Grit, grit and more grit.
