Down in the undertow

[ruind]

Hello everyone,

I finally decided to register instead of lurking the entire time.  I'm 36 and suffer from severe PIED.  It's hard to believe that it's been 20 years of internet porn and masturbating 2-6 times a day.  I read all the articles and watched the videos from yourbrainonporn last October, but I was on the tail end of a relationship, so giving up P and M wasn't going to happen.  I tried for a few days, but my heart wasn't in it.  After a few disappointing experiences with casual partners earlier this year, I thought I'd give another go.  Half-assed would be giving me too much credit.  I stopped P and M for a week.  By day 4 I was back to P, but not M.  By day 7 I was back to both. 

After yet another disappointing encounter, I've decided to take this seriously and get some help.  Neither P nor M since last Thursday, but I've had sex a few times since then, Tuesday being the latest.  I guess I'm just kind of confused as to what I should be doing/feeling.  Should I give up sex for a while?  I would really like to avoid that option, if at all possible.  I'm starting to get the feeling that I won't have a choice in the matter.  My sex drive is at negative 50 right now.  I haven't had an erection since Tuesday... no morning wood, nothing.  I'm also feeling a bit reclusive, light depression maybe. 

Given the severity of my situation, I'm afraid it's going to take several months to see improvement, if I can even hope for it at this point. 

 

[pinkerton]

Welcome to the forum
Sounds like you're familiar with ybop. If it's been since October that you last read those articles I recommend going back and reading again. I find it helps to motivate me.
As far as what you should be feeling and doing... everyone is different.  Having no libido is pretty common. So is a large swath of emotions - anger, depression, fear, whatever.
I'm still trying to figure this out as well but it has helped me to try and have a positive outlook, finding things in my life that I am happy with and not just thinking about the bad. And to write what I'm thinking in my journal on this site. Also, reading the journals of others can be very helpful.
As far as sex goes, that is really up to you. I haven't cut it out and I personally don't think it is necessary for me to do so. Though I have wondered on occasion and there are some that do. Everyone has there own situation.
Hope that was any help at all. Keep sharing and asking questions and keep coming back.

 

[ruind]

Thanks for the support.  It definitely helps knowing that I'm not alone in not giving up sex, even for a while.  I had the feeling that I was leaving a window open for the porn to creep back in.  As it is, I've left the front door open...

I have a ridiculously large collection of porn on various media, which I've really grown attached to.  I read the newbie thread and it mentioned a recovering alcoholic who keeps a bottle in the house.  I once deleted all my porn in a feeble attempt to quit.  After a few days, I spent an entire weekend recovering all my lost porn.  I felt like an idiot for having deleted it all.  I know I'm not really serious about this until I take this step.  I've been anxious all day thinking about it.  It would be really easy to do, since I moved it all to one folder to begin my reboot.  I probably should have just deleted it then.  Now I'm thinking about all my favorites and where I would find them again should I relapse.  So much for positive thinking. 

 

[ruind]

So... the porn is gone.  I felt relieved just after deleting it, but the next day I was filled with regret.  I don't have much energy and absolutely zero interest in being social, but I've been keeping myself busy.  Thankfully, I have my friend, Netflix. 

I keep looking at that counter in the signature... 9 days?  It's only been 9 days?  It feels like weeks.  This is going to be rough.

 

[TimeToLive]

The counter sometimes seems to slow down as time goes on... you're doing great, man. 9 days is something I can only dream of at the moment. Deep breath. Day at a time.

 

[pinkerton]

Good job getting rid of the stash. Big step. Keep coming back

 

[mrcicero]

Hey ruind,

Welcome to the forum and congrats on going almost 2 weeks now. You're doing great.  Let me tell you something... I was not a severe addict, but during those first two weeks I had a couple points when I was shaking from withdrawal.  I would think I should go fap, and forcing myself not to would cause this huge dissonance in my head and physically in my body. But guess what... after about 10 days, it magically went away. I mean, it just stopped. 

I'm telling you this because it'll happen to you too. You've made it this long, so hang in there for a few more days. 

On a side note, take a look at some of my journal entries, especially my comments on trigger management. You really should have 3 things to maximize your chances of kicking this and finishing the 90 days:

1. Know exactly why you're quitting - once you realize how much it's messed you up, you'll WANT to quit
2. Know exactly what you're looking forward to (a vision) - a vision of how you'll be after you quit is mandatory, otherwise you won't have the stamina to keep going when tough urges hit you. Keep this vision in mind if the going gets rough.
3. Know your triggers and what you'll do if an urge hits.

#3.  I'm telling you, that's the secret to this. You have to have a plan on what you're going to do when those urges hit you. This is your fire extinguisher, and you need one because you KNOW that you're going to have a fire again.  What situations make you want to fap? When?  Where?  Make a list of 5-20 things that make you want to fap. Then avoid them, or plan to deal with them.
- Is it chicks on The Chive? 
- Is it chicks on Facebook? 
- Is it going out to nightclubs? 
-Is it seeing your computer in your bedroom? 
- Is it going out to lunch where there are a ton of good looking women? 
- Is it being home alone in the evening? 

For each of these items, make a plan to AVOID them. Don't allow the trigger to happen. Take this seriously.  Delete facebook. Block the chive. Don't look at swimsuit catalogs. Don't look at women on the street. Don't be home alone.  If you live alone, don't come home until late at night.  Give your computer to a neighbor for 90 days. Hell, throw out your computer. Don't watch TV.  What if you get an urge anyway?  Figure out a plan... tell yourself that you will immediately go take a walk, or take a cold shower. Don't wait until you get an urge to decide what to do... know what you will do in advance.

Sound extreme?  Guess what... it IS extreme, but this will 'help you to help yourself'. 

Good luck and message anyone if you have questions!

P.S. Your screenname is ironic because in fact you were on the right track to being free of this hanging over you the second you signed up to this forum.

- Cicero

 

[ruind]

Thanks, guys, for the encouragement and support.  I've begun reading your journal, Cicero, and it's basically like you were writing it about me. 

Here I am on day 13,842... or day 11 if you want to believe the lying counter.  Today at work was horrible.  I ended up leaving early.  The nausea hasn't subsided.  I was feeling pretty down over the weekend.  At some point I binged on 2 huge slices of cake and felt immediately better.  That had me worried, so I started reading about the dopamine reaction to sugar.  Looks like I'm going to have to give that up, too.

As much as I've been thinking about all of this, I haven't really had any urges.  I feel like the king of flatline.  I met a girl, Ms. Perfect, on Sunday and saw her today after work.  It ended up where it usually does.  After 6 days of no O, I thought I would be like a 16yo kid again.  Boy, was I wrong.  There was absolutely nothing going on downstairs.  Despite this, I was focused on staying in the moment with her and not drifting off into fantasy.  I was successful on that end, eventually after almost 2 hours having an O to a maybe 60% erection.  I have never had so much difficulty.  I guess those encounters a week ago were the last remnants of my porn riddled brain. 

I'm thinking it would be a good idea to avoid sex for the time being. 

 

[Fappy]

Just ten days into the reboot maybe there isnt such an outpouring of improvement yet. But dont worry about the sex thing, in a few weeks or so youll be ready to slam the snot out of that nice girl!
Just stick to the reboot, avoid triggers, dismiss urges and soon youll be balls deep up her!

Fapatron

 

[ruind]

Unfortunately, I've distanced myself from her.  I wasn't ready to be completely open with her.  Hell, I've only been open with 2 friends about it.  I haven't met anyone new and don't plan to for the next few weeks.  I also found my biggest trigger... alcohol.  There's no hope!  Even worse than drinking is the slightly hungover day after.  I think that, coupled with my slow emersion from the flatline related anxiety and depression, really brought me to the edge of relapse.  But I made it through, more dedicated than ever. 

You know when you open a new tab and only need type one letter to get your most visited website associated with it?  Well, I realized, half my damn keyboard was associated with porn.  I've deleted the history and cache, so the names don't automatically pop up anymore, but my brain still knows which letter leads to which sites.  It's a mixed bag.  I feel ashamed because of it, but also proud that I'm not typing those letters anymore.  I just look at them and feel a sort of nostalgia. 

This past week I had plenty of urges.  It doesn't help that I work with some ungodly beauties.  I'm starting to feel better though.  The withdrawals have been subsiding.  I feel like my mind is clearer than it's been in years.  Gives me hope.