For my PA...

[chickaboomski]

Finding this forum gave us a fighting chance. I stumbled upon it while entering your symptoms trying to figure out what was going on, was it medical, mental, was it me? The previous 18 months had raised questions in my head that you didn't answer in a way that made sense. The more I read, the more things made sense. You were working away at the time and I was hoping that when you stopped and came home permanently things would change. I had been checking your browser history and thought it was your way of living life away. A single life that you had come accustomed to before you met me. I was hoping that once you finished up, that me being there, things would change. Boy was I wrong. Things just got worse. Soon enough, with no day job, you were consumed. My first post on here was me battling with myself, with what I knew about you, and not knowing how to approach it, what to do or where to go. After a few weeks of gathering advice and knowledge, and my anxiety symptoms pea king of a night with shakes, vomiting and sleeping on the couch I finally hurt more from not saying anything than any outcome could possibly play out. So I boldly sent you a message as I could not say the words without choking or vomiting. I know you love me. Your reaction was nothing less than the best my beautiful man would say, do. You acknowledged you had no idea it was the cause of my problems. You did not acknowledge the addiction. We cried together, you needed to know I loved you, you asked me if I trust you. I said I did. I was hopeful you were being honest, that you were thinking you were helping me from the hours I was working and tired. But admittedly, I knew what would come. I am writing this post hoping that soon you will stumble on it. Yes you make more of an effort to kiss, and hold me now, I get that. Although changing your browser settings is a dead give away. But mostly no interest in sex with me for weeks after weeks after me begging for it is pretty obvious. You do have an addiction. I hope you realize this soon. I hope you admit this soon. I hope you find this post soon. I love you. I am losing you. I am losing me. I don't want to hurt you. I know it hurt you to hear that I had thought of leaving. But I am hurting too. And now your attempts to cover it up is hurting more. I come here to find support, strategies, sanity. Please come back to me. Please find your way back to you.
Xx heavy heart filled with love.

 

[sodonewithit]

Bummer.  I'm sorry to see this pain continues, I wish all of us boys could be men.  I hope your hurt ends in happiness but  this stuff is incredibly bad.

 

[Steam rolled]

Hi chicka, sorry to hear your pain.

But what part of your post sounds the bell off is he did not acknowledge the addition!
In order for things to get better he has to have knowledge of the damage he is causing to himself first!!! Which of course includes you, but i focus more on what it was doing to him.
Which in return is killing the relationship.

My husband used to say in the begining I dont want to hurt you i will stop!
NO thats not good enough!!!!!!
You won't do it again beacause YOU dont want to for yourself! Sneaking,lies,pied ,sneaking cealis pills , basically totally being controlled!
While ruining US!
Stopping it for the SO  isnt  a good enough answer or doesnt usally work long term.

I didnt wait around for him to stumble , i shoved it in his face. And i mean literally when i first discovered this we were in a public setting and he was in my vehicle while i ran in the store i came out quickly and he was on porn, i was shocked and discussed and busted his lip open with the phone!! ( it was a reaction ) and i dont apoligize for it !!!!! ( but dont reccomend it )
Porn makes people become people they are NOT and it pissed me off instantly.
We have watched porn together before, but didnt know he was having tons of it at the time anyways so i guess it wasnt anything special. I wasnt against or for porn/ it bored me and it will never be in our life again now that we know the facts!!!

Now He has to know the facts!!!

So  If he wanted to make it work sooo badly and gain trust he had to have the knowledge of the damage and then decide what was better for HIS which is also our lives!!!
He would NEVER have found and figured out why he had PIED on his own!! NEVER!
He would never have seen how controlled he was. NEVER!
Why he couldnt sleep. NEVER
Why he was irratable and sooooooo on! NEVER



There is even a better man than you love right now inside of him , but right now its being controlled
by porn !!
As bad as you / we hurt right now it sounds like he needs help/ knowledge before you can even begin to heal.
No matter what the addiction is a person cant fight it alone and win!

Your doing what you can to help, just by being here and searching for answers.
And caring and also helping others at the same time.
He needs to step up and face it now! And he might need your hand to drag him.
Some say that dont work .........well it worked for me!!
Hubby is Aproaching 1 year clean and im SURE OF IT!!

Just trying to help chicka, stay strong xoxo.