Glad I found this place. I'm a few years away from 50 yo, and my story is so similar to a lot other over 40s.
Been addicted to porn for 35 years or so, since I was 11 and found my parents "European" porn magazines in their nightstand. When I was old enough, would go to all night newsstands to buy Penthouse, Hustler, etc. When VHS came along, I rented/bought plenty of those, too. I had a fairly regular teenagerdom/early adulthood. Lost my virginity last night of junior year in HS, and had several girlfriends throughout college and my early career. When they were away, I'd take out the hidden tapes and masturbate. Still had plenty left to have a normal sex life with all of them.
Then, I got married in my late 20's, and had a normal sex life for a long time in my marriage. ven for the first 5-10 years of the high speed porn era, I still had a fairly normal sex life. I'd still watch porn and masturbate anytime I got more than a few minutes alone. Then, the high speed porn era began. I started looking for ways to be alone so I could watch and masturbate. Even for the first 5-10 years of the high speed porn era, I still had a fairly normal sex life. My wife caught me watching porn a few times, and it caused some serious problems in our relationship. We almost broke up two times because of it. Still, I couldn't stop.
Then, about 5 or years ago, it got really bad. I took a job in another city, but didn't want to move the family, so I commuted. I had an apartment I'd stay in during the week in the other city, and come home on Friday afternoons. I'd often masturbate more than once a night, and found myself going from link to link to link looking for more extreme pornography and sex acts that I didn't even know existed prior to seeing it on the Internet. Frankly, I didn't even enjoy much of it. I'd find it, and quickly click back to "tamer" stuff. It was the seeking that was the attraction.
In the early part of this phase, I started having significant performance problems, and it hurt my wife's feelings a lot. I think it caused her to shut down, and me as well. We haven't even attempted to have sex in 3 or more years. I'm 100% positive I would not be able to perform. Yet, I can get an erection when I watch porn.
My wife is extremely intelligent, so I know she knows something is up, but we don't talk about it. Probably the only reason we're still together is because we have a couple of kids.
The whole family has now moved, so I'm no longer commuting during the week, but it hasn't changed anything with my porn addiction.
In fact, over the past 6 or 8 months, I've started visiting asian massage parlors to get hand jobs, mostly to see if I can even get an erection. I can't. I feel terrible that I've now gone one step further away in our marriage.
I feel depressed and generally like shit all the time, and think my porn habit is a fundamental reason why. I really want to quit, and am committed to the 90-day hard reset. It's great to know I'm know alone, and that others have similar stories.
Been addicted to porn for 35 years or so, since I was 11 and found my parents "European" porn magazines in their nightstand. When I was old enough, would go to all night newsstands to buy Penthouse, Hustler, etc. When VHS came along, I rented/bought plenty of those, too. I had a fairly regular teenagerdom/early adulthood. Lost my virginity last night of junior year in HS, and had several girlfriends throughout college and my early career. When they were away, I'd take out the hidden tapes and masturbate. Still had plenty left to have a normal sex life with all of them.
Then, I got married in my late 20's, and had a normal sex life for a long time in my marriage. ven for the first 5-10 years of the high speed porn era, I still had a fairly normal sex life. I'd still watch porn and masturbate anytime I got more than a few minutes alone. Then, the high speed porn era began. I started looking for ways to be alone so I could watch and masturbate. Even for the first 5-10 years of the high speed porn era, I still had a fairly normal sex life. My wife caught me watching porn a few times, and it caused some serious problems in our relationship. We almost broke up two times because of it. Still, I couldn't stop.
Then, about 5 or years ago, it got really bad. I took a job in another city, but didn't want to move the family, so I commuted. I had an apartment I'd stay in during the week in the other city, and come home on Friday afternoons. I'd often masturbate more than once a night, and found myself going from link to link to link looking for more extreme pornography and sex acts that I didn't even know existed prior to seeing it on the Internet. Frankly, I didn't even enjoy much of it. I'd find it, and quickly click back to "tamer" stuff. It was the seeking that was the attraction.
In the early part of this phase, I started having significant performance problems, and it hurt my wife's feelings a lot. I think it caused her to shut down, and me as well. We haven't even attempted to have sex in 3 or more years. I'm 100% positive I would not be able to perform. Yet, I can get an erection when I watch porn.
My wife is extremely intelligent, so I know she knows something is up, but we don't talk about it. Probably the only reason we're still together is because we have a couple of kids.
The whole family has now moved, so I'm no longer commuting during the week, but it hasn't changed anything with my porn addiction.
In fact, over the past 6 or 8 months, I've started visiting asian massage parlors to get hand jobs, mostly to see if I can even get an erection. I can't. I feel terrible that I've now gone one step further away in our marriage.
I feel depressed and generally like shit all the time, and think my porn habit is a fundamental reason why. I really want to quit, and am committed to the 90-day hard reset. It's great to know I'm know alone, and that others have similar stories.
