The weight will be lifted!

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lifeincolour

Member
I'm 32 married 3 kids great fam and great job. I've had my fair share of hardship with bereavement, depression and anxiety peppering my life but got through them mainly thanks to my wonderful wife. I owe her so much. Without her I would be in a pit. She is beautiful in so many ways.

She or my children don't deserve a husband/dad that masturbates 2/3 times a day constantly thinks about pornstars and always seeking an opportunity to. They don't deserve a husband/dad that can't fully function or contribute on the bigger things in (family) life. She doesn't derserve absent terrible  sex where I imagine someone else to orgasm. She deserves a real man.

I've been looking at porn and mo since I was 13/14 nearly every day of my life. It has become as normal as brushing my teeth. I see nearly all females as a potential fantasy it's shameful! This site has given me the drive and determination to put colour back in my life and become a better person.

I don't think I've ever gone more than a few days without watching some form of porn but since I found this site and realised the extent of my problem I have started on the real road to recovery. I haven't looked at anything for a week now nor masturbated. It's has been a real struggle as I've been working away and had a lot of time alone but it will be day 8 tomorrow when I go home and see my beautiful wife. I really want to continue on this journey so I thought I'd anchor myself with this post. 7 days of normal human being let's hope it continues for the rest of my life.
 
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that1beachguy

Active Member
Hey man, we are all struggling and understand your pain,embarrassment and the other cocktail of emotions that go along with something this personal. But the important thing is you are here to fix a problem that YOU recognize... And that makes you a good father and goo husband.
I am also 32 and am a few days ahead of you on the counter... I'll be interested to see what kind of success you have and how it relates to my own. In the Meantime check out this.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=21.0
 
L

lifeincolour

Member
Cheers for the reply. Yeah let's stay on track. My mind was playing tricks this morning, I started to tell myself that this reboot is only a temp thing and that a holiday from pmo is all I need as my problem isn't really that bad. These thoughts really do test your resolve I've got remember the positives I've had so far

I get up quicker so have more time in the morning - no more morning pmo
I get to sleep quicker - no more nighttime  pmo
I do more with my day - no more dead time surfing
I've watched and enjoyed films again - before I lacked the concentration and would always be a trigger for Pmo
I feel good about myself

I see my wife tonight and I've feel like I've been saving myself for her so it will be interesting to see what my chemical reaction to her is and how sex is and what the cravings for Pmo are like after. The wait for her has been a good drive so far but once that's over I have got to stay on track!
 
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that1beachguy

Active Member
Have you told your wife about this? Just curious, cuz I just started seeing a lady, I haven't told her for obvious reasons, but now I'm afraid I haven't progressed far enough to perform.
 
L

lifeincolour

Member
We've flitted over it but I've never spoken to her and addressed it as a real problem it was always a kind of juvenile jokey thing that she would mock me for. I did tell her that I hadnt masturbated for over a week and that I'd given up but then it's not really a serious problem in her eyes it's something that I shouldn't be doing anyway and guess she's right.

In terms of progression and performance I'd try not to worry too much about it that is something that grows with the relationship so if it's bad or non existent have faith that it will come good. Incidentally after 9 days no mo then sex I wasn't too bad lasted a lot longer than I thought I would but it was still unfortunately slightly influenced by porn, flashes of other things entered my mind I'll be glad when they fade and it's just me and my wife.

That said I feel like I'm doing really well I had no major urges to go online I'm still a bit Bad with checking girls out but I think that's gone down a bit too. All in all things are going great really feel like I'm starting to get my life and personality back together just wish I'd have found this site earlier

 
J

joe_ireland

Member
That fact that you are doing it for your wife and kids, rather than just for yourself, should be a great boost in your struggle to quit this addiction. Good luck!
 
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lifeincolour

Member
Just checking in with a positive so far so good post. Had 2 free days one covered in a hangover and bearing in mind I'm currently working away I'm shocked and amazed and really quite pleased with myself that I managed to continue on the no pmo no mo track. Lots of temptation and lying to myself that I don't need to do this but I do and I stayed strong and feel stronger for it.

I used to think how do people have time to watch films read books, write, have conversations, watch funny clips on YouTube...now I know, they just don't wank themselves silly! Wasting hours looking at porn! I'm starting to become one of those people and I like it, it's much better than a hit of self inflicted orgasm and shame!

I appreciated its still early doors and I've not hit so called flatline yet but I'm feeling good and I want to remember that hence the post. Keep going everyone!
 
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lifeincolour

Member
I'm not sure if it counts as a relapse but, hungover again I decided to mo. It was pure imagination I had no urge to look at porn and kind of knew I wouldn't  but that kind of justified it for me. At first I thought it was ok because I had that no p control but the rest of the day has seen a surge in temptation and left me basically checking out and fantasising about every girl I've seen today (doesn't help that the weather's great). 

Although I'm confident I won't look at porn it feels like a big step back in terms of all the space I'd created in my mind for other stuff. I'm thinking sexual thoughts a lot again.  I think this is my first big test
 
L

lifeincolour

Member
I've been up quite a few hours and as i leave my apartment it suddenly dawned on me that porn masturbation sex has not entered my mind at all today. There have been no triggers or urges I've just gone about my day as a regular person. I'm amazed and pleased but it has also made me reflective.

All these years up to now I've never been this clean minded and I saddens me to think I've wasted so many minutes, thoughts, energies on something so selfish and evasive. I will use these feelings of sadness in my drive and persuit of a full reboot never going back to a wasted life!
 
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lifeincolour

Member
Bollocks! Reset my counter, I've come in pissed and knocked one out to porn. Gutted now totally unesessary. Balls. Start again. Can't believe it. I'm so f#%king weak. Next time I'm gonna be stronger. F**k!

Edit: despite the reset and initial temptation to just make the most of it I can feel a definite change in my willpower after 22 days no Pmo. I'm positive I'll do the complete reboot this time whereas when I started I wasn't hopeful.
 
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lifeincolour

Member
I was on the verge of slipping when the good part of my brain said go to RN and post. So here I am. I can feel temptation hiding behind most things recently and again the weather isn't helping! luckily I've had a lot to keep me busy and diverted. I must say that I'm finding it a tad more difficult on this new reboot as the novelty of going longer than I've ever been without pmo isn't there, I guess I've just got to hit 22days and keep going. As difficult as this is, it's way better than the alternative. To be able to get on with life without the burden of guilt that this addiction brings is just fantastic and I'm looking forward to who im becoming...

I started learning a new language and I'm giving it the time it needs - no way I could've done that before...next musical instrument...keep on going everyone!
 
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lifeincolour

Member
Just 4 weeks now and I think I might be hitting the flatline. My desire to have intercourse with my wife seems to be waning and I keep telling myself if I just take a quick look at P it might reignite my mojo.

I had a lucky escape last night my wife was sleeping next to me and I decided to channel surf, we're on holiday and have Dutch and German channels so there was one thing on my mind...thank god European tv isn't what it used to be! Despite not watching anything that could be deemed a slip I still wasted a good 25mins surfing crap in an indecisive hope of getting some stimulation.

The monkey is still well and truly on my back. There are too many moments where I'm trying to wriggle out of the admission of my problem. I do have one and I will fix it.

I've also noticed how lazy I was/still am to a degree and it's all linked to the main problem of instant gratification and this affects my relationship with my kids. Sadly I tend to go for the quickest option when they ask me for something  rather than give them the time they need from me for fun/education.

I still have a long way to before I'm any where near tasting real recovery, this is tough
 
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lifeincolour

Member
I MO'd this morning, then a good proportion of my brain had every intention to lapse into pmo. To stop myself I log in, read posts and remind myself why I'm doing this. It works. So while I'm here I'll check in asses where I'm at after 3 months rebooting, currently 34days no Pmo...

Negatives

Still heavily checking out women
Short tempered and aggressive
Replacing time I've freed up with other useless procrastination
Sometimes I feel like I'm just letting life take me
I worry that I won't enjoy sexual stimulation as much
I see clearer what porn and sexualisation of everything is it makes me pessimistic about humanity
realise it's gonna be a long fight

POSITIVES

LOADS MORE TIME LOADS MORE TO DO
FEEL A MUCH BETTER PERSON
STILL LEARNING A NEW LANGUAGE I HAVE MORE PERSEVERANCE
MORE MOTIVATION, ENERGY 
LESS GUILT

I'm in a flatline but ready for it and looking forward to the next phase of reboot. To know I can control this huge part of it gives me massive confidence with everything else life may throw at me.

Well done to everyone working on this problem. The fact you are here reading these posts is a major positive for who you are and who you can become, there are so many that have problems and stick their head in the sand. Good on us all for doing something about ours!

 
L

lifeincolour

Member
I've learned a big lesson this past week. After feeling so confident at where I was at I took a massive dive and lapsed. Now it feels more difficult than ever to keep going and get back to where I was. Constant urges and temptations. I'm feeling like it's getting the better of me and I'll never do this but I know if I can get through this I'll be much stronger for it, let's see...watch the counter...must be vigilant it's a constant battle
 
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