I'm back after a while of not being on here. PMO'd a fair few times since. I've been struggling the last few months as my wife wants us to try for kids. She doesn't know about my porn addiction. But I feel like the walls are closing in on me and my dark secret. And I think that's why I've been unable to stick to avoiding PMO. It's been my stress reliever since I don't know when. And I'm finding a lot of situations stressful at the moment. But the guilt/shame of repeated PMO is obviously adding to the stress rather than relieving it.
I think I started my first journal on here towards the end of January. Back then I'd never ejaculated from sex with my partner. We married last year and we've always said that we'd want kids one day. She's quite religious and so we never used condoms and she hasn't ever been on the pill. So I know deep down that my porn addiction might've inadvertently helped us from having children before marriage (which is something she wanted to avoid), as I've consistently suffered from delayed ejaculation. I've totally had that desensitisation thing going on for the entire time we've been together (and I think I had undiagnosed PIED before we met). She's even said recently that she's always been amazed by, and appreciated, my ability to hold back, when she can't. (I didn't really want to crush her perfect view of me by revealing the truth about PMO and DE!)
Anyway, the first month of my January reboot went well. And on valentine's day (so only a couple of weeks after my reboot started), I managed to ejaculate inside her. I say 'managed' because it took a while and I pretty much left her exhausted...! But I hoped it was at a turning point. Sadly, that first reboot ended with a PMO, after about 30 days. I can't remember exactly what the trigger to turn back to PMO was precisely, although I feel now that my brain tricked me into thinking I'd be tempted to cheat (when I never have). Looking back, I think the stress of normal life was the real reason for the relapse. And that's something I've just got to start learning to deal with.
Anyway, since then my attempted reboots have been dismal. And there have been times where she's wanted me to ejaculate and it just hasn't been possible. But, I've known deep down that it's probably because I PMO'd a day or two before, or even earlier that day. Of course, when we've discussed it, I've done what an addict does and hid what I feel is the truth. My excuse has been that I'm tired or stressed (when I know there's an extra bit - PMO addiction - which I'm not telling her).
Anyway, without being too graphic, we're both aware that she'll be hitting the right moment in her cycle in around two weeks' time. So I know that I really need to quit PMO at least for this period. But my belief in my ability to do so is shot. When I had the successful month of rebooting in Jan/Feb, I tried to count each day. i.e. I was constantly telling myself to just get to the next day. But, because that ultimately failed, I haven't been able to get back on that track since then.
One complication is the opportunity to PMO is regularly there for me. I work from home, a lot. And I don't think I can get away from that working arrangement without revealing the dark secret to all and sundry, which is something we all hope to avoid doing (because of the inevitable pain it'll cause). So I don't think getting out of the house is an option.
I feel I need to confront the temptation head on and try and rise above it. And in many ways I'm a very determined person. So I'd appreciate it if the advice isn't to get out of the house and away from the temptation. That will most likely make me feel that there is no escape from the temptation, when I think the point is I need to confront it not run away.
So I'm back on here in the hope that I can get through the next two weeks, if nothing else. I'm not setting any 90-day targets or anything like that. I just want to literally take each day as it comes, without being mindful of an end goal of a set number of days. Wish me luck.
I think I started my first journal on here towards the end of January. Back then I'd never ejaculated from sex with my partner. We married last year and we've always said that we'd want kids one day. She's quite religious and so we never used condoms and she hasn't ever been on the pill. So I know deep down that my porn addiction might've inadvertently helped us from having children before marriage (which is something she wanted to avoid), as I've consistently suffered from delayed ejaculation. I've totally had that desensitisation thing going on for the entire time we've been together (and I think I had undiagnosed PIED before we met). She's even said recently that she's always been amazed by, and appreciated, my ability to hold back, when she can't. (I didn't really want to crush her perfect view of me by revealing the truth about PMO and DE!)
Anyway, the first month of my January reboot went well. And on valentine's day (so only a couple of weeks after my reboot started), I managed to ejaculate inside her. I say 'managed' because it took a while and I pretty much left her exhausted...! But I hoped it was at a turning point. Sadly, that first reboot ended with a PMO, after about 30 days. I can't remember exactly what the trigger to turn back to PMO was precisely, although I feel now that my brain tricked me into thinking I'd be tempted to cheat (when I never have). Looking back, I think the stress of normal life was the real reason for the relapse. And that's something I've just got to start learning to deal with.
Anyway, since then my attempted reboots have been dismal. And there have been times where she's wanted me to ejaculate and it just hasn't been possible. But, I've known deep down that it's probably because I PMO'd a day or two before, or even earlier that day. Of course, when we've discussed it, I've done what an addict does and hid what I feel is the truth. My excuse has been that I'm tired or stressed (when I know there's an extra bit - PMO addiction - which I'm not telling her).
Anyway, without being too graphic, we're both aware that she'll be hitting the right moment in her cycle in around two weeks' time. So I know that I really need to quit PMO at least for this period. But my belief in my ability to do so is shot. When I had the successful month of rebooting in Jan/Feb, I tried to count each day. i.e. I was constantly telling myself to just get to the next day. But, because that ultimately failed, I haven't been able to get back on that track since then.
One complication is the opportunity to PMO is regularly there for me. I work from home, a lot. And I don't think I can get away from that working arrangement without revealing the dark secret to all and sundry, which is something we all hope to avoid doing (because of the inevitable pain it'll cause). So I don't think getting out of the house is an option.
I feel I need to confront the temptation head on and try and rise above it. And in many ways I'm a very determined person. So I'd appreciate it if the advice isn't to get out of the house and away from the temptation. That will most likely make me feel that there is no escape from the temptation, when I think the point is I need to confront it not run away.
So I'm back on here in the hope that I can get through the next two weeks, if nothing else. I'm not setting any 90-day targets or anything like that. I just want to literally take each day as it comes, without being mindful of an end goal of a set number of days. Wish me luck.
I say that because I agree with you about facing it head on. There will always be temptations and triggers, we need to do all we can to eliminate them but we can't get rid of them all.