I am trying to decide if I am going to be a Partner or not...I am so hurt.

[wifeofafapper]

It has been three weeks since I feel what I thought was my life has been turned upside down.  Im not even sure where to begin or how much is too much to share.

Ive been married eight years.  We have two small children together.  Those two times are the only times my husband has been able to ejaculate in me.  Up until these last few weeks its been three years.

Ive always known something was wrong sexually.  Typical stuff Ive been reading but Ive been made to believe it was me.  Too wet....you orgasm too fast....Im tired...Im hot...We will do it in the morning.

We have beens months and months with no sex.  And I can honestly say Ive tried.  There was a time about a year ago I completely shut down.  You can't be told nothing is wrong when there obviously is and still be intimate.  Which worked for him.  He would have let this go on forever....

So for the past year its been roommates...and not even good roommates...I have felt...maybe he is gay...maybe he is seeing someone else....maybe it is me.....

So back to present...I found some things a few weeks ago that indicated porn use.  First off let me say I am far from a prude and if this is something he wanted to do together I would be all for it...BUT this is where I am livid....Hes withheld from me for EIGHT years while he jacked off to porn.  While I am upstairs bawling my eyes out and being lonely he's getting his pleasure elsewhere.  And the kicker is he's been doing it for 30 years.

So for the last three weeks...he says he done with porn...hes done with masturbating...hes done with video games...hes been going to bed when I go to bed...weve been doing regaining intimacy exercise..ie. staring into each others eyes...when he comes home from work he kisses me.  He contacts me though our the day with sweet texts...All of this is awesome and what I have wanted and begged for....but I am so furious....and I just do not know what to do.

He is seeing a counselor.  I went to the first session.  I think for sure I am going to see someone as well.

And I guess her is my question to you that have been here.  Did you get over the absolute hurt and shock of it?  And how do you just let go of those lost years.  I feel I have been robbed of the best years of my sexual life as a woman....nothing is going to give that back to me...

I could keep writing but I think this is a good start.

 

[sodonewithit]

I can only answer as the guy so please take it from that view point.

When it dawned on me where my problems came from it was a real game changer.  I was and am twisted with guilt and made it a concerted effort to never be that guy again.  If he is really doing this you will know in about another month after his withdrawal is done.  Sadly I was never dodging sex with my wife but I couldn't beform to the standards both her and I aanted but thats changed greatly in 68 days and it will for you guys also.  This is a bad addiction though and it creeps often.

Of course he's been doing this  for years, all of us guys did.  There is nothing bad about you for this and it's not for you to carry the guilt.  The ladies here can talk about the ways to heal but the guys can tell you if he is really doing the walk.  I hope you get the man  which you deserve and  not the wimpy porn head we were.

Good luck and post please.  There are some good people who will love to hear both the good and the bad.

 

[Gracie]

Yes you can get through this.  It is painful.  It hurts.  You can get to the other side.  There are lots of us that have been in your shoes.  Read this.  It is something I wrote.  It may help you understand there are sisters in your pain.  We are here and we will answer.


I posted this a while ago in Porn Addiction.  Steamrolled you are right, it does screw with us.  My husband and I had the talk the other night about how I had no one to talk to during the last three years about this.  It does mess up how we feel about ourselves, I think more so when we are married.  I think it is hard for men to acknowledge the emotional pain that exists for us as a result of porn use.  I stay here posting to be a reminder person for men.  I want them to understand it is not a matter of their healing it is a matter of relationship healing. 

I keep seeing men tell women it is not about us.  I sat and thought about that statement.  It seems it is meant to get us on some kind of road to recovery.  Such a simple statement.

And yet here is the conundrum, porn is not about us, BUT  Once our husband gets into porn he talks to us less, he compliments us less, he makes comments about our appearance, he goes to bed at a different time, he doesn't talk to the kids, we don't just have fun anymore, we don't have those spontaneous fun sex moments anymore, we see him ogling other women, he doesn't hug us often, kisses even less, is secretive, is furtive, is grumpy.  How can we not feel it is us?

He does not want to be around us anymore.  When we ask what is wrong, we are told NOTHING.  But we feel everything is wrong.  Then all of a sudden BAM.  I'm sorry honey its porn.  I have been MOing to all these young gorgeous girls the whole time I have been ignoring you and our entire life.  But hey its not you.  Just forgive me it is an addiction.  Suck it up, quit crying and I will stop.  Oh yeah, that makes us feel good.

It does not.  It makes us feel like shit.  It takes a long time to get past that.  And in order to work through it, and wrap our brain around the lies, we have huge pain.  I wish I could describe the physical knife stabbing pain that was there in the beginning, the heart palpitations, the shallow breathing, the hyper-vigilance, the sense of loss, the feeling of no direction and the feeling of being so alone that we feel.

It can be worked through but only together and with each partner validating what is being said.  But I can tell you, I will never be the same.  There is a scarred wound from the hurt that came into our marriage.  And it can only heal from the inside out.  Porn significantly harms the marriage attachment.

 

[wifeofafapper]

Thank you both for your replies.  I really appreciate it.

I have read a lot about what rebooted means and how he is going to be feeling.  I am a little unsure of how to know if he is sticking to his promise or not.  Its been a few days since he's tried to have sex with me.  So I am conflicted...is it because he can't from the withdrawal...that has been one of our problems...he just can't get it to work...and if it does its just for a bit and it dies....OR is he back to what he was doing and has nothing left for me?

Gracie-your words and feelings echo my own....

Thank you for sharing.

 

[Gracie]

Nope it doesn't work well.  Having sex with intercourse does not work well.  We set up a routine.  We both went to bed at the same time every night.  If we talked about this, some part of our bodies needed to be touching.  Hand on arm, feet with toes touching etc.  NOT sexual.  We had what we called full body hugs.  Both of our bodies intertwined and hugged.  We kissed.  Every night we did this before sleep and every morning when we woke up.  We kissed hello and kissed good by. Every time we came into and left the house.  No getting up in the middle of the night.  That was how I knew he was committed and what I needed to feel secure.  That took the need to focus on sex away.  When he was into porn, I sexual comment during the day meant there was sex expected.  So if he touched me it was with the intent to have sex.  I needed to learn touching did not equal mediocre sex and he needed to learn we could touch and not have sex.  It was a rough road but that is how it began.

I also had to let him know how I felt about him ogling women.  And I had to remind him.  Then had to remind him at the moment.  I did learn to be strong enough to do that.  Because it hurt when he looked my self esteem was negative zero,  I had to pull it together and say hey what are you doing? 

But the intimate touching and holding kept us going.  :Yes it hurts and it does take time.  But if you are both committed and keep talking.  It will work out.  The plus for you is you know.  And he is working on it.  When you are married, it takes two to work on this.  Sometimes I would tell him "I love you anyway."  I never told him I hated him.  I told him I hated what he had done to me and our marriage.  But I loved him anyway.  And it is okay to love your husband anyway.  Do not let anyone tell you different.

 

[sodonewithit]

For the first month I wasn't sexually excited but we did have sex once or twice.  The eye opener for me was standing with my wife kissing, feeling free and suddenly I was at attention.  First time in years  it wasn't full and had I been 20 I would have been dissatisfied but at 40 and screwed in the head this was amazing.  It put me on course for sure and at that moment I knew that while I might have set backs if I couldn't achieve similar results she'd know and I'd be busted.  Do I still get lost in bed being a watcher?  Sadly yes because I've forgotten what it is to be involved, see signature,  but I'm trying and this is what you will notice if he is doing it also.  Porn users don't remember what it is to be a lover, we have been watching for to long and this is where the dissociation with sex screws up the erection.  It's not that we don't want it but more that the wires are crossed.  Things you said, to wet or you orgasm to fast, don't hold water.  Who doesn't love a wet lady who orgasms?  Crudely I say yes please sweet lady allow me to share this amazing experience.

If he is doing this it might take months but you and I both know that if he isn't jerking sex will happen.  Might not be good, long satisfying sex but it will happen.  I'm taking no prisoners, I want to please my wife and be a alpha stud again.  This is the mindset which will pull me to the end goal, I hope your hubby will join us guys here and find the primordial brain drive that works. 

 

[Steam rolled]

WOF - you got some  really great advice from the posters above and insight to this horror you have discovered.

You said its only been 3 weeks ? Well you have every right to be furious, in my case i to was furious wich was really sadness and disapointment ! And i think the shock of it made it come out in also anger.
The mix of emotions are crazy and just not fair!!!
And 1 year later something very small still triggers the feelings back, I hate it, i didnt ask for this!
But its here and now has to be dealt with! Its finding a way that works for BOTH!

But its out in the open now,and as unwanted of thoughts you may want right now, its a good thing.
Those unanswered questions and blame on yourself are answered !!
It was him not you!
But if your anything like me i still blamed myself even after discovery , until i reliezed what a SNEAKY selfish thing porn is and makes a person become!!
Not the person i want to be with !!!!!! So we have to take them back and they have to want to!

You ask do you ever get over this?  - and so far after 1 year since discovery of my husbands other life that did not include me threw out every day and in the weeee hours of the night.
Answer
yes & NO!
I to could go on and on
but on a good note  from the sounds of it your husband is doing things to get out of
THE TRAP !!! He needs to keep going with help for himself and you daily!
My SO does some of the same things and its wonderful BUT i am watching his every move!
Thats my new life!!
Im o.k with it for now and so is he.
YOU BOTH have to be ok in order for this to work!
You should look into therepy!!!!!
Be strong!
People here care.

 

[wifeofafapper]

Thank you so much for you response.  I have no one to talk to about this because I am extremely embarrassed and he is too.

I too, am feeling I did not sign up for this...nor to I want to be his police officer but for my sanity I have to.  I am so bad right now it makes me nervous for him to go to the bathroom and take a shower...or if I have to leave the house I make sure I leave one of the kids home.  Not how I envisioned my life for sure..

So far, he is very patient and lets me rant and rave...a year from now I am not sure if he will be so patient. 

I have asked him please to be honest and openly communicate...if he feels tempted lets talk about why and see how I can help..I can only hope he knows how serious I am....I am not sure how I will handle a relapse...and I also still feel he would lie about it and keep it from me...

I still can't believe this double life he has been leading...it really is mind blowing...I can go from loving him like crazy to hating his guts in no time...and that makes me sad too!!!!!

Again, thanks for listening.  I am a pretty positive person but man, has this really thrown me for a loop.

 

[Steam rolled]

Wow just wow so familiar its scary.

My husband Hasn't been alone at home in a year, his choice.
I go for something as simple as milk he goes its crazy/ weird!
And though he has been clean and i believe that 100%
Hes so afraid i will think something
Because it always WAS something !!! Smh.
He is preventing that stage from me getting over it by doing that. But again got to use
Kid gloves here. Smfh!


This will drive you crazy if you let it, and i have let it.
took the last year of my life and dedicated to not being tricked, i still do. I have been near the edge many times and still.

This is all a big slap to the face right now to you, please don't drive yourself into a routine of craziness its sooooo hard to get out of.
And i know easy to say than do.

 

[Rebootr]

I just looked through here to see how my wife might be feeling - it must be a big shock to you and you are completely within your rights to feel angry, sad, anything. At least you know now and your husband is working on his issues like all is men on here. Sex is an important part of a relationship but also multiple other things have kept you together and in love while be secretly struggled with this. Your support and patience will help him and open communication will surely also help him avoid a relapse as he now has an ally on you to beat this. You have had some really good responses here and hope that helps you. Your post mentions worrying you are past your best sexual days because of this (sorry if that's not how you worded it) but I'd see it as a great excuse to spend a lot of horny times together when he has beat this to make up for the time - lots of fun times and love ahead I'm sure and best of luck to you both.

 

[treehugger513]

It is tough, but it is possible to get through. My partner has been clean for 3 months and he has never been happier. Me on the other hand, it takes longer for us to get over the trauma of betrayal. I would HIGHLY recommended adding some accountability software to your computer and smart phone. It has brought some peace into our lives. It makes a world of difference being able to actually see the recovery happen and not just hear about it.

 

[wifeofafapper]

Maybe I am naive but I feel like he is really trying.  I feel he sincerely love me.  And I think he is genuinely remorseful.

I do know this.....I love him and I am going to do everything in my power to make this work.  I guess I can only pray and have faith he does the same.

Thanks again for all of you replies.  It has been extremely helpful to know I am not alone...and he isn;t either.