When I stopped smoking...

[NeverSayNever]

I stopped smoking in 2008, after almost 16 years of smoking.

1993 to 1999: never questioned my smoking, and slowly from smoking a couple of cigarettes per day, I progressed to a pack a day

1999 - 2000: started feeling bad about it, tried to stop few times (longest one was around a couple of months), but it didnt stick

2000 - 2004: started smoking even more, progressing to about 1.5 packs per day. Worst physical shape ever, had problem even walking up the two flights of stairs to my apartment

2004 - 2005: depression, suicide attempt, breakthrough, I quit smoking, I start running

2005- 2007: smoke free, physical fitness improving, lost 15+ kilos

2007-2008: thought I could party smoke, started smoking one or two cigarettes a week... after few months, I started smoking more. There was almost one month when i had a routine like this: I buy a pack after breakfast on my way to work, smoke a couple before lunch, feel very bad, and on my way back home later on, I give the rest of my pack to someone I see smoking, telling them, "I just quit smoking"...

2009: I stopped completely, never smoked after that

The reason I am writing about this is that I think I am passing through a similar journey regarding my porn addiction. I have managed to stop for up to six months, but keep on coming back. I don't remember what was the final trigger that made me quit smoking for good, but I think I need something strong like that. But will I ever get a stronger trigger than those that I have already got? I have experienced a cocktail of all the side effects of porn (ED, premature ejaculation, not able to come while having, lack of confidence with women, .... you name it, I have experienced it). I have not been in a relationship for more than 8 years, and only have sporadic sexual encounters here and there, .... my love/sex life basically sucks...and that, instead of being a motivation for quitting porn, is one of the strongest triggers that keeps me coming back to it.

For example, today, a very sunny day, I went to the park, tons of people with friends, lovers, family..picnics, games, laughters... i felt completely isolated, disconnected. I felt as if I was abnormal, not human, really, I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a nice sunny day like they were doing. I can enjoy it by running or doing some sports, by myself but not in a big circle of friends, especially if there are couples. The thought of "what is wrong with me?" " why am I not able to form relationship with women?" "I am not looking for a soul mate or anything like that, just some girls that I date for a while and feel like a man", etc... etc... keep clouding my mind and I just couldn't enjoy my friends' company, specially the ones who are in a relationship. Sometimes, I go into defensive mode. I say to myself "look at them, how pathetically co-dependent they are, they are lost without each other, and how can he sleep with her, she has become so fat...and how can she sleep with him, he smells bad and is boring...." the monkeys in my head will keep looking for all the little faults in them ..

anyways, back to today. I return from the park around 8pm... I spend the next 2 hours watching porn and jerking off.  I don't feel depressed or anything, but I feel resigned. I have no idea how to get out of this vicious circle... 

 

[joe_ireland]

Thanks for telling your story and good luck on your journey to quit.

You will have relapses; the thing is to assess why you fail, to draw up a plan on how to quit which leaves as little as possible to chance, and finally to stick with that plan, making the commitment every day. If you truelly want to you can succeed, but it will take time and effort.
Also, I would focus on your relationships with other people, especially women, which could be the root of your addiction. Make an effort to be more sociable, talk to lots of people, women and men. Enjoy the company of others. And for God's sake don't compare yourself to anyone else - this is deadly. All these other people in the park might seem 'normal' and happy, but in reality you don't know whats going on in their lives or what secret issues they are dealing with. Accept yourself for who you are and begin to assess why you find it difficult to relate to women. Perhaps if you work on that issue you will find that the porn addiction begins to be less of a problem to deal with. 

 

[afb7]

I don't know what will work for you, but what really got the wheels rolling for me with my recovery (a while ago before I found this site) was figuring out my reasons for quitting. It got me started, and although it didn't sustain me for long (meaning, I've had to find other tools), it comes in handy sometimes when that impulse in my head asks me if there's any point to resisting.

Lately I keep talking about the book "The Porn Trap" even though I hated it for a while because I was trying to complete the program they created to a T but kept failing. But looking back I find value in some stuff. There's a section on figuring out your reasons for quitting that was good. Lots of thought provoking questions to ask ourselves to get to thee heart of our goals in life.

Also, one thing I noticed is that it seems like you do want a more meaningful relationship with a woman, but spend time condemning people for their close relationships when you see them?