Here goes all-in

[jaymatcher]

Hi everyone!
And thanks for sharing your stories it has really made me thinking again about my situation.

Some background information.
I must have been around ten when porn came to my life. And has been there ever since. I'm now 39 (still young enough to post to this subsection!), married and have one kid. So of course it all started back then with some magazines and maybe if I was lucky I managed to get some videos etc. You all know how it was back then...

Funnily (or strangely?) I somehow remember that my first orgasm was really I think that moment something "snapped" in my brains. Or actually, to be more precise, I think now so, after reading a bit about this topic. This is because I was actually sure that I have something special and it cannot really be cured or changed in any means. Now I'm reading stories which are almost identical with mine and I'm for the first time extremely optimistic about the possibility to change this.

What my situation is exactly is that I have never in my life had the O without the M in it... For me it would be a dream come true if I could actually cum with my wife without having to masturbate. I was sure that there is just something fundamentally wrong with me and this can newer happen. And I even was not sure (or I didn't want to admit) that my PMO is actually the problem.

Now I understand that PMO is exactly the problem and I'm really keen on trying this rebooting stuff!

Actually my situation has varied a lot during all these years, but now I have been on an assignment on a different country and have had a lot of time on my own.. you all know what that means... Things got a lot worse! I think I finally understood that I have a porn addiction and (maybe) cannot overcome it on my own. Therefore I thought that this journal just might be the thing for a solution oriented guy like myself.

I sort of woke up to the reality when I was one weekend spending maybe 20-hours online masturbating and looking at porn. Then I made a promise that I will take five days off and managed to be three days out. On top of that I have (for the first time ever) noticed some challenges to keep it hard with my wife.

After that I was four day in a row PMO like hell and then (maybe also for the first time ever) just watching porn without masturbating.. then I just by chance (of course when looking for new porn sites) bumped into an article about internet porn and rebooting. This was just a great coincidence!

Now I've been reading very much about the dopamine and in general about rewiring and how addictions work.. I'm really putting all-in for this attempt (I mean obviously during my 30-year "career" there has been times when I've tried to quit, but newer really this rewiring part.. and always I just go back with old habits...). 

This is now the fourth day without PMO and I'm really having as goal this 90 days. I'm really expecting to have some serious side effects and already feeling a bit nervous. Luckily (?) I have a lot on plate right now during free time so that should be easier. I'm also trying to identify my triggers but that seems to be hard. I'm not allowing myself to even analyze my triggers too much because I'm afraid that then I relapse.. that means that I'm trying to keep myself busy, which obviously cannot last forever... (so I know I should find also the understanding about my triggers).

One thing which makes me now uncertain is if / when / how to tell or share this to my wife. Everything has been (of course?) done in secrecy. I have newer cheated on her but clearly usage of different porn sites with live models is not something which makes me very proud. (I don't know why but somehow I have always justified this to myself of not being really bad thing... ) Well anyways, maybe the details I don't need to share, I'm not sure.. I also checked a bit about this Karezza thing and that could be also interesting. But all and all, this is something I'm at the moment struggling. 

But ok, that was just a short(?) post to get started. I'm really optimistic and hopeful towards future. I do of course know that failing is typical and somehow part of the game, but I'm putting now really all-in and trying to end this shit at a one try.

Good luck with all and looking forward for your comments!
-jay

 

[joe_ireland]

Wishing you good luck Jay!
Thanks for sharing your story. Admitting that I can't do it on my own was a big step for me; it took me years to realize that.
As regards sharing all this with your wife, obviously that is something that only you can work out. It would be a massive help for you to overcome this thing if your wife  knew what was going on and was helping you along the way, but you also have to ask can she accept that sort of information or could it upset your marriage? Whatever you do, you should see your wife's happiness as the goal in all the struggles you will go through in trying to get rid of your porn addiction. I have found that trying to break the habit for my own needs was hard, but to do it for the intention of other people I love made it easier.

 

[jaymatcher]

Thx Joe,
yep I think the happiness of the both of us is the goal.

I just found this link which really for me gave a lot of new insight on the topic.
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

Basically there is so much information available that it really can be too much. The advice of focusing on the life vision (and also getting away from the forums) can really be the key for this problem.

My life was (and I can say still is) in pretty good shape and I have "only" the addiction to porn. So for sure it should be easier to overcome, but lets see. Still I'm missing the understanding of the triggers in detail and notice myself being extremely alert the whole time. I'm not sure if this is really good, but maybe..  (just don't know really how long I can maintain such a mode..).

Today I'm going out to have a night out with some friends so it will be easier to focus on completely other things. The challenging part may be when I'm getting back home (drunken). Hopefully I manage to cope with that without too much difficulties.

What comes to the reasons itself, I think for me there are two elements in this:

• being able to focus my full energy to the relevant things (people around my rather than pixels on my laptop)
  
• once in a lifetime experience the big O as it was intended to be (without a question would end up in tears if I ever would manage this)

Maybe it is good to think and make the reasons in a concrete form and just maybe that will also help a bit with the challenging relapse situations.

-jay

 

[jaymatcher]

Ok. Still everything going quite nicely here. I've been keeping myself busy and focused.

As I mentioned, I'm living in another town than my wife now and tomorrow I'm flying back home to and spend the weekend there. Somehow I actually would like to share this experiment with her, but I'm not really sure how... at least I think I need to come up with some ideas how to handle the situation, when most likely we will / would end-up having sex.... Typically this ends in MO and I think this would not really be good now. Of course one "trick" would be to start talking about this Karezza topic, but I think that also would require a bit of explanation, and maybe in the end I should then open the whole topic. I'm not sure at all.

And I'm of course not sure at all that how I ever will manage to prevent the urge to MO while with her. Well lets see. It could also easily happen that there is not really going to be any action (or at least not any initiative from her side), so maybe I just then bypass the whole topic... but of course also there I need to be careful that she doesn't start thinking that I don't want her.

Well, the next four days will be interesting and if I'm still without relapse, there is a good change to continue for two weeks after that...

 

[Bryan]

Jay,

Congratulations on reaching out to this community for support.  I was in the same position for years re: trying to quit PMO on my own without any accountability or help from others.  Combine this with the information we've learned about this addiction, and I think we are in a very strong position to bring about change. 

I haven't shared this with my fiance, though I may in the future.  I know she would be supportive but right now, having only just started my recovery, it feels a bit premature.  Plus, I'm feeling really good about where I'm at right now and am actually excited to have this goal and the prospect of making a real difference in my life.  I'm going to sit tight and see how this plays out before sharing with her. 

Nice work so far.  Keep it up.

 

[Bryan]

Also want to say that Joe's comment is dead-on.  I am doing this as much for the important people in my life (maybe more so), as I am for myself.  It really helps to raise the stakes and put the pressure on to reach some positive results.

 

[afb7]

Hey Jay. I actually told my wife about this a couple of years ago. It has been hard for her, (especially when she was the only support I had)  but I had to find the right balance between getting support from her and having this be my responsibility. I updated her daily at one point with my recovery, and that was bad for both of us. Especially when I relapsed. She started feeling too much pressure to be supportive, and it made it hard for her to talk to me openly about our days.

I found that a counsellor was the best thing for me. That eventually led me to this site months later when that wasn't helping enough. Now I've reached my longest streak ever of being P-free.

But one thing I've read about is that shame and P use go together hand-in-hand. Shame is such a secret emotion that we keep alive every time we keep things secret. I don't have secrets about P use anymore. That doesn't mean I share all of the details with my wife though. She doesn't deserve to be the dumping ground for my messes. So I keep her updated, but not constantly. And I share what's ok to share with her for the purpose of my recovery, NOT just for the purpose of bringing me relief, although relief can be helpful too.

But just admitting everything might make you feel better in the moment (or not), but that seems kind of unfocused to me. I have a therapist and this site for that purpose to help me make sense of the MESS. Then when I've got a pretty good idea of what things mean in my mind, I discuss them with my wife.

But my relationship is surely way different from yours, so like another poster said above, we've all gotta figure out what's right for us and our specific relationship.

What do you think?

 

[jaymatcher]

Wow plenty of replies, thanks for all of you! I think it's great that this community so strong and active.. it really makes the difference when you can exchange thoughts in quite a fast phase.

I mean most likely one key to success is eventually "stop thinking about it" which means for me also to stop visiting forums and sites like this one, but when you are in situation where you need help the fast responses are crucial..

About the question of sharing this with your partner or not. Yep, I think its really depends on your relationship. Of course in an ideal relationship you would be easily able to share everything, but I think only few us are in that luxurious situation. And exactly as you said Afb7, I think the motivation for sharing is also important. In all addictions the responsibility of the healing process needs to be always clearly with you. In my situation actually there is even another angle to the story: my wife has (a minor?) game addiction. So typically it is easier for another addict to understand the situation better because the ultimate process is exactly the same. So lets see if I eventually am able to open this topic somehow, but we have had extremely challenging discussions about her addiction in the past so I'm a bit worried about starting in this area. And of course this is a bit different as there is also the aspect of "cheating" in the game... I mean when go towards the area of cam girls etc you can easily have the interpretation that this is basically cheating.
 
So for the moment I'm feeling extremely positive. And I will just try to enjoy the time with my wife and not take too much pressure about anything.. I didn't sleep well and some anxiety I'm starting to notice, but in general the mood is pretty ok.

So lets stay focused and enjoy the time we have here!

-jay

 

[Philgood63]

Yes, sure, at this level of the reboot, it's probably very helpful that we strongly support each other. Maybe after a few weeks we will feel the need to think about this issue less and less, but at the beginning sure any discussion can help. I was feeling very alone and odd before I discovered this forum ! Well, maybe I'm still odd, but not so much, and now I'm not alone.

 

[jaymatcher]

Ok, so the weekend is gone and still keeping up the good work. Now 10 days, which is a start. There are some temptations but surprisingly easy I have been able to manage my focus. Lets see how today goes because now I've noticed that my mind seems to wonder off more times than before.

I actually did have sex with my wife which most likely was for me the best I've ever had. I'm not sure if I broke the rules or the general idea around the reboot by doing so, but I feel that I didn't. I was totally non-O focused and could really enjoy it a lot. So it was a bit towards this "Karezza" style. I didn't (of course) have the O but that was not really even the point. (And I actually already now felt that this could really happen one day! But I'm just trying not to be too focused on that.)

I ended up sharing this topic also with my wife. Was not really easy and I could not really open the full story to her, but at least I told her that I want to totally retain from M and that I believe that this is the key to the "real" O with her. I didn't really open the P part of the story, but I think she can figure it out. I did use the word addiction, but I'm not really sure if she understood it completely. Anyways now she knows (at least partly) and was very supportive. In the end this battle is of course mine to take and I don't want to put it on her shoulders.

So things look bright. Now I will be two weeks out traveling and then it will be day 25 when I will meet my wife again... lets see what is the reaction of my brain & body then... I'm just waiting for the big challenge now, because I know this cannot remain on so easy level. (Or maybe it is just the effect of using this forum as a support and therefore it is REALLY making this possible!)

So thanks to everyone of you and keep focused!
-jay

 

[joe_ireland]

well done on the 10 days.
Ive found using this forum is a great booster for me. The big mistake I made for years was trying to do this completely on my own.

 

[jaymatcher]

Well done also by you JOE!

First time today I noticed some bigger challenges. First of all I had dreams of PMO... I woke up and was worried that did something happen?? It actually happened twice during the night... Somehow this also shows how messed-up your brains are: you are dreaming about PMO and not about the real thing!!!

During the day I have also noticed that I'm really looking for everywhere to find something "to look at". I mean I seem to pay much more attention to every woman I meet.. and not in a "good" way, more in a way that is there any peek visible somewhere, sholders, cleavage, etc. etc.. So now I somehow notice really the difference on my focus and it is somehow desperately looking for any slight chance to get me back to the old behavior... I'm of course still fighting against it. And winning..

Tomorrow I'm still alone and then in the I'll have a bunch of friends over and we are doing 3-4 days of drinking and partying so I should not have any challenges to go over the weekend

So lets stay focused!

-jay

 

[Philgood63]

I hate this feeling when I catch myself lurking and trying to look at women that way, I feel just as if I was a pervert... but I love the feeling when I manage to overcome this bad habit and just to stay focused, somehow as if had barely noticed them. I have no real proof but I'm pretty sure that women can see it as well, I mean, I think they instantly understand the way we look at them, if it's just a simple look without bad thoughts, or if it's the stare of a guy who is in lack of his drug... We don't wan't to look like this.

 

[jaymatcher]

17 days and counting...

The weekend went as planned: I had some friends over and we did lot of drinking & normal stuff ;-)
So basically had so much other things to do that didn't really have any chance to even think about the PMO stuff.. But immediately after everyone was gone today morning, I felt really strange... somehow I managed to keep my focus and then ended up here. I think this was / is one of the behavioral triggers: typically in my "old life" after hanging out with some friend for some days, then the first thing when you are alone was always PMO.

I still find myself looking for girls a lot more than I used to do. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad sign, but maybe its just part of the process.. And of course (?) everyone likes to look girls, right? Right... I will try to be alert also with the real-life situations..

I'm going to be soon (in four days time) back with my wife and then it will be already over 20 days without PMO. That has got to be a record for me and I'm really anxious of experiencing what is happening. I have now talked that I'm taking a pause from M so she knows also that. And I'm somehow personally ready for the more caring & holding type of sex without too much (or any!) focus on the big O.. Actually there is a big controversy in the whole thing: I should be able to reach the O in case I'm not thinking about it! I can already predict that if there ever is going to be a "near-O" situation I will somehow panic and it doesn't happen...

Lets see. I just need now to regain my focus because lately there has been some "unfocused" thoughts...

The green bar really looks also promising. Even though I'm basically thinking to quit this stuff for life, it is still nice to see almost 20% achievement already!

-Jay

 

[jaymatcher]

Hi again.. it seems that my anxiety level is today really on a high level.. 2nd posting for the same day...

I think I have today just realized something. That is that my PMO is somehow linked to the feeling of loneliness. Of course it is natural because you are always doing it alone. But that seems to be the major trigger for me. As said, I'm now alone after having some friends over. Then of course you feel more alone than normally.. I also tried to reach out some people by phone but didn't succeed.. I noticed my thoughts going towards PMO but then I quickly realized it (and went here to update my feelings..)

When I think back to the teenage and after that I have always really used PMO as an escape. And if I have had a chance select between being alone (=PMO) or socializing with some friends, obviously PMO has typically won... So I guess the reasons and effect go actually pretty deep..

Luckily I somehow managed to not to be totally isolated, but even today being with a big number of people (who you don't know so well) causes some challenges for me.

Really need more focus from somewhere now...

 

[matteo]

Sounds pretty reasonable to me. For me it's the same: loneliness and stress do it. Today not though. I'm alone and experiencing stress, but now there's the forum. Hang in there! Matteo 

 

[Philgood63]

I had never thought about this but yeah, for me as well this habit have its roots deep in my teenage years, when beeing alone in the house was totally equivalent to PMO, well not online of course in these times, but sure there is a link and that would explain why it's a trigger now. The problem is that we can't be with people all the time and that we do not want to PMO each time we are hit by this feeling of loneliness... "Knowledge is power", so we can beat this trigger once we have identified it as a trigger, right ? Let's hope so and good luck Jay !

 

[jaymatcher]

Thx for your comments Phil & Matteo!

And yes I do think that it is always easier to beat them once you've identified them. You pick up the early warning signs and can react before its too late.

For me today the stress level went down. I manage to speak with my wife and found a new game for the iPhone.. (I'm not really sure how smart it is to replace one addiction with another... well it's not so addicting, and I'm using whatever it takes to get rid of this thing)

Actually there is some kind of controversy in this loneliness thing.. because I also get a bit (or sometimes even a lot) stressed when I know that I need to face a big number of new people. Parties, events, etc. etc. they are not really my cup of tea. I guess I am a bit anti-social. But the question is that has this addiction turned me in the way I am today.. Or am I really anti-social...? I'm starting to think that nope, I'm not.. but its all the years with the addiction which has influenced the way you interact with other people (and how much). So maybe at the end of this road there will be some changes in my life.. not just between myself and my wife.. 

 

[jaymatcher]

20 Days and counting! 

Feeling pretty good about myself. Tomorrow evening back to my wife. Actually can't wait to have sex with her.. I'm afraid I will be a bit too eager and that I cannot keep the focus in the "Karezza" and will start to focus on the big O.. lets see.

I'm still actually really surprised about this novelty -factor. When reading through the articles and the content here, that has been the most surprising element which I was totally unaware of before. Now it obviously is clear and exactly explains some behavior.

Still I somehow find it problematic that how I actually want to "check-out" girls in the real life. At the bus or walking in the town or whenever... It takes extremely much to turn your eyes away in case there is a pretty girl somewhere.. actually quite the opposite is happening and I find myself constantly scanning the surroundings in the hope of seeing something. I wonder if this is only a phase...

Anyways, I'm in a good mood and definitely will not loose focus now!

 

[joe_ireland]

Congrats on 20 days Jaymatcher!