Need help desperately

[chickaboomski]

Ok people please helpe out.
As this is my final attempt to get ackledgement and admission of addiction from my SO I need some help setting some boundaries.
I run a business that requires me from 6am to noon and 4 to 8. My SO plays house husband and gets the kids off to school. From then he is free to himself at home until I return. Obviously major trust issues going on here. What are some ways I can ask him to prove I can trust him. Accountability software? What else? He is also doing the midnight get up. I have caught him out on a hidden camera on my phone set to go off. I need to save energy. I  exhausted. I need this addressed now.

 

[Gracie]

After I sat sad and crying and wondering could I go on, I just told my husband there were going to rules that had to be followed or we would not be together.  I had to sit and think what mattered most to me.  The most important to me was that he and I go to bed at the same time every night and stay in be until morning.  No negotiation. It was tough to say those words but I did.  We had one night he was not in bed and when he saw how upset I was, it never happened again.  We slept naked every night.  We had to touch each other when we talked.  We had full body hugs every night.  Mind you there was no sex.  I did not feel sexy.  I wanted to feel intimate.  We kissed hello every morning when we got up and kissed good bye.  Same thing coming home at night.  Of course the Directv went, and he was not an internet user.  We sat together on the couch and held hands.  When we went to a restaurant with a booth, we both sat together on the same side.  And we talked about how we felt.  That was our very beginning.  When we started having sex it was every other night.  That was the routine.    This is just what I did.

 

[Maxime]

Although I understand you have trust issues, you cannot expect him to make progress if you don't trust him as well. How do you think he feels when he learns you're spying on him? Why are you still with him if you don't trust in him and in his recovery?
You're exhausting yourself.
Now, the best thing, I think, would be to have him install parental control or something similar for his own good.
Let him know how a different life is better, not how what he's doing is bad.
Now don't get me wrong; you can get results with blame, guilt and such, but I suspect you already tried it (that camera thing, for starters) and it didn't work. Try a new approach.

 

[Steam rolled]

Read this late last night and couldnt sleep knowing the feeling and feeling helpless.

I spyed to and sometimes still do, though I trust him theres just this embedded doubt lerking and wont go away.
I trapped my husband against the wall in bed for awhile so he had to go over me to get up, he didnt mind and excepted it, actually it was mutal arrangement.

Gabes videos helped my husband a lot as he didnt even know what he was doing.
The porn trap book helped him even more, then he woke up!!
Have your SO read those books & videos. A demand!
Make him a to do list, he has to stay busy.
Change the house around, move furnature and such make the enviorment look different.
This may not be things he wants to do , but in order to make YOU and HIM better a lot has to change.
Its not easy no way.
But my husband told me he would do ANYTHING to prove to me he that he understood things.
And so far he has done everything and more.
He has to understand!!
And as hard as this maybe when you want to kill someone you love at times.
HE NEEDS LOVE AND EFFECTION!!!
And lots of it.

Some may not agree with demands, but it worked for me or we were seeing a lawyer!!
He wants to act like a child he got treated like one!
Now he is 1 year this month clean and a WAY better man in MANY ways.

Xoxox SR.

 

[laflower22]

Hi, I untherstand you very much, becuse I feel the same way like you, i dont trust him, but i recomend you a very good web site, www.posarc.com
in this site, expleind very good the feeling that you feel, who to help you for what he do to you, and understan the dessies that porn and sex addition is.
hope you can find peace soon.

 

[chickaboomski]

Thanks souch guys. Maxime I appreciate  what you mean about trust. But I can not attempt to trust him while he denies he has a problem. He has not admitted it as an addiction. Until he does we have no chance and he has no chance. We have had past convos and he has acknowledged it is a behaviour that hurts and damages, and he will stop. But his not addicted. Thats why now it is the midnight creeping and I had to set up a camera. He was waking the children last week. From the day to day stress of normal life on top of this. This is our last chance to fight this together. I  exhausted. I checked myself in to hospital and spent days numb from valium. My business is suffering because I can't concentrate. And thats whatfeeds the family. I am done. I wont be pushed to insanity anymore. Ironically my job is motivating amd inspiring people to be the best person they can be. I can't do that aty worst. And the only thing I can trust if I don't  spy. Is that until he admits it. It will go on and our relationship will die. I'm done hurting. This was not something I bought to the relation ship.

 

[Maxime]

Yeah, he has to admit it, of course. I'm just wondering if you're wasting your energy with this "last chance".
I also understand it's delicate because you have children together. But you also have to respect yourself too.

 

[chickaboomski]

Yes I  wondering the same thing. The children are mime so its not delicate for taking them away from their father. It delicate because he is the first amazing male they have ever had to look up too. And the bond they have is beyond me. Its also delicate because he is the first man I have ever met I trust fully and has not broken that intentionally. I know this is not a malicious act to hurt me. And yes I have to respect me also. That is why I have to give him one last chance to admit it. I fell in love with half a man. Who he can be excites me enough to ride this horse till its dead.

 

[Jimmy James]

If is is not an addiction, then he is intentionally doing something that he knows hurts you.  Ask him why does he want to intentionally hurt you.  Chances are he does not.  Maybe it will help him see the addiction.

 

[chickaboomski]

The whole phrasing of addiction is what he wont do. I got the whole didn't know thing. But I got that last time too. The closest I got to admission of a problem was going back to his old phone that was not a smart phone so that he can't look at it. Trying to figure out if that is good enough for me. Seriously. It kills me loving him. Thats still not understanding anything. So, I don't know where to go from here.

 

[53nomorepmo]

I am a man overcoming PMO and have had two spouses who suffered from alcohol issues.  It is amazing how similar the addiction to porn can be.  In learning how to deal with a significant other with the alcohol issue I did learn one very significant fact, which is very hard to accept.  That is, you can change your situation.  You can inform your significant other of your desire to change your situation.  You can not get an addict to get help until they accept they have a problem.

I suggest giving up on controlling his addiction with camera's and monitoring.  It will make you even more angry and sick.  Trust me on this part.  It just hurts.

Start with a list on one side list the positive sides of having this man in your life.  On the other the negative issues associated with his addiction.  Make a decision whether or not you can live with it this problem or whether you need to change your situation.  You may want to share this with your spouse?  You may decide not to share this list.

If you decide you can't live with it make a plan to change your situation.  If you decide to make a change begin executing the plan.  Maybe the plan is moving towards a divorce.  Maybe the plan is to find outside interests..  Maybe you do nothing.  If it is safe to do so, you might even let your man know you are working on a plan since he isn't working on a change.

Hope this helps, I can really feel your pain, and hope you find resolution somehow.

 

[chickaboomski]

Thank you 53... You are so right. Making my plan now. I can't change him. I can only change my life.

 

[53nomorepmo]

Best of luck in finding "your" answer and working on your plan.  It sounds to me like you are on the right track.

 

[Gracie]

CB, I am sorry that things have been so difficult for you.  I hate this addiction and what it does.  I hate that it so adversely affects relationships.  Please keep letting us know how you are doing.  Only you can decide the path that is right for you!

 

[chickaboomski]

I have made a conscious decision to control wha I can control. And let go of what I can't. It was always up to him. But I di think that I could guide him to the answers, to admission, to help. I was naive and hopeful to have some sort of control. My future is mine. If he wants to share that, than thats for him to decide
Not me. This is not about me. The hardest thing to comprehend. But liberating when it sunk in. 

 

[sodonewithit]

Sorry to read the tone.  That's a shitty unfair deal you have been given.

 

[53nomorepmo]

I have made a conscious decision to control wha I can control. And let go of what I can't. It was always up to him. But I di think that I could guide him to the answers, to admission, to help. I was naive and hopeful to have some sort of control. My future is mine. If he wants to share that, than thats for him to decide
Not me. This is not about me. The hardest thing to comprehend. But liberating when it sunk in. 

I am struggling with a different but similar issue with my wife as I mentioned above.  She only started making progress on her own when she saw that I was going to continue on without her if things didn't change.  It was very painful, and heartbreaking, and she still has relapses so I am not done with my struggle and not sure how it will turn out.  I wasn't able to save my other wife with the same issue and she died as result.  PMO likely won't kill your spouse, but it sounds to me like you are definitely on the right track.  Addicts tend to blame the ones who love them the most, and will try to blame their issues on anyone who is trying to control them. 

One thing I have done is try to "own" the following statement and incorporate it into my life.  "..accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other"  I use this in a secular context, and try (not always successfully) to apply it everyday.  I found that it brings me much in the way of comfort since I can now look at a situation and decide if there is anything I really can do..  If not I try to move on with my own plan.  BTW cleaning up my own bad habits has been a positive side effect of all this, and part of the reason I am here.

Good luck in your journey chickaboomski, and know I really do feel for your struggle.. hoping things start seeming more in your control soon!

 

[double trouble]

Thank you laflower22 for the link. It is very helpfull for me. And i finaly know i am alought to have these feelings and what to do with them. So thanx