Castaway

[RSGrimm]

Background: Most of my life I have been surrounded by friends and family but I felt more like a person alone on a deserted island with only this sin/addiction/{your term goes here} as my companion.  I am 47 and was introduced to porn at 8 when I and a few of my friends found a magazine in the woods. After that one of the kids down the street?s dad had a huge stash in a room behind their garage. I then used retail catalogs to feed my desire. Once in college many of my roommates had magazines I would look at when they were gone. Once out of college I got into pictures on the internet and later videos. I got married and nothing really changed. I have been success full 3 times in the past for up to a year. First was in high school and I used prayer and scripture. The second period was for about 8 months and I did the Setting Captives Free program. I didn?t confess to my wife and I had very bad local accountability partners. (when you and your accountability partners use justification more than encouragement and no one calls ?BS? it not a good environment) Later I did the program again, confessed to my wife (NOT FUN!!) but still had no local accountability and I also deployed overseas for a year (not an excuse just fact). After that I have maybe made it three weeks before a fall. I seem to have lost the drive to get over this. I have read a lot of YBoP and I have all the symptoms except ED (tired all the time, brain fog, can?t remember, introverted, depression, etc.) I was driving the other day thinking about how I was such a double minded person (believing one thing living another), but I couldn?t remember the words. I kept searching for the words ?double minded? but had brain fog really bad. Then a car passed by and it?s license plate abbreviated  ?double minded?. It kind of freaked me out. Do you think someone is trying to tell me something? So I got online and found this site. I figure what is the worst that could happen, I could end up not doing porn for more than 3 weeks. I don?t even enjoy it any more, I feel hollow and dead inside even while looking at it. Yet, only a little while later I?m back at it. I wanted to go look at porn before posting this (sick man!).
Goals: Be free and able to think!

? Did I use porn today? No
? What were my triggers? Staying away from news sites (they are just a few clicks away from a fall)
? How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? (coffee)
? What am I grateful for today? (this website and those who participate on it)


1 day since I last PMO?d

 

[unchained]

I was driving the other day thinking about how I was such a double minded person (believing one thing living another), but I couldn?t remember the words.

believing one thing living another...that pretty much sums up how I have been living since my late teens.

If it wasn't for YBOP and this forum I would still feel hopeless and alone.  As it stands, we have knowledge and support.  With knowledge and support, we can heal our addiction.

 

[sodonewithit]

Welcome to the club Grimm.

It's funny how things happen in life which lead us here.  I can remember googling porn and seeing links to porn addiction yet laughing cause that's not me....uh huh.  1 day down and it's the hardest of them all.  People here won't judge you and will be happy to support you through it all so please use us for all you can. 

Three weeks is a classic break point which you will read here, it seems that is when the addiction gives the hardest fight to survive.  Three weeks to make or break a habit is what the rumor says.

Post often and post everywhere,  looking forward to seeing your journey.

 

[RSGrimm]

Thanks for the encouragement!
I must say that I do feel stronger than I normally do. Something about reading the success and struggles others are having makes me feel like I?m not alone. I did struggle a little when I woke up this morning. The images were on me before I got control. I jumped out of bed and got going for the day! Now I just need to not go to any news sites (they always seem to have an advertisement or article that leads me to thoughts I don?t need to be having). I?m not sure why I go to them, someone always tells me what news is really important anyway.


2 days since I last PMO?d

 

[RSGrimm]

Ok,
So I would like to get some feedback on an experience I had a few years ago. I have never told anyone about this, mostly because I didn?t know anyone who admitted to having a porn issue and I was afraid I was going crazy. I was into about day 45 and seemed to be in the stretch. Had been doing long hours at work and was also working on a master?s degree. I had an issue getting internet connection one night and was able to use a friend?s PC to send in a paper that I had been working on. I turned in the paper early but several weeks went by and I didn?t get a response from the professor, several people who turned in after me had already gotten their grade. So my mind started stressing and pretty soon I was convinced that they thought because I had sent the paper in on someone else?s PC I had cheated. The fact that I was not cheating and everything could be easily explained did not seem to matter. Each day I became more and more stressed and finally gave in to PMO. Within 15 min I was sick at myself and of course by the end of the week the professor apologized for forgetting that I had turned the paper in. I once read a book about addiction that said smokers use cigarettes to relieve stress that does not really exist. It is their mind inducing stress to get a hit. Has anyone else experienced this type of craziness?

3 days since I last PMO?d

 

[sodonewithit]

I can't do think of a specific example in my life but I know that I had cravings and would use pmo as a relief.  It sounds reasonable thag the addiction would find any excuse to get a hit.

 

[53nomorepmo]

I have definitely used PMO to relieve stress... It takes your mind off things.  Problem is that it usually only makes things worse since then you have two things to be stressed about.

 

[Fappy]

Porn fucks your brain as much as the sluts themselves get fucked every which way in the vids we used to watch. (Did that make sense....?)
I can understand what you mean. Back in the day, rather than avoid a stressful situation i would willingly wander into one knowing that however stressful it could be i always had my porn security-blanket to curl up in when i got home. Sort of like, "ahhh this is bullshit, but fuck it. I can have a toss to porn later!"
Classic self destructive behavior that far-gone junkies exhibit.
Then i found this reboot thing and... Well, i cant even recognize the person i used to be!
It really works. If you stick to it your life will turn around. 

 

[unchained]

I agree with your cigarette / stress hypothesis.  I quit smoking 15 years ago and the "belief" that smoking will reduce stress is real and a hurdle to overcome as you try to get past withdrawal.

I feel the same thing with PMO, but this time it is my brain telling me my body needs relief or it will explode.  I always fell back into overdoing MO which took me back to PMO eventually.  It wasn't until I really paid attention to the stories of the 90+ nofap guys that I understood that my body is just fine if I don't get off.  Of course, the O feels great. Our brain of course knows that & keeps whispering that we need it, when in fact it wants me to sit like a monkey for hours in front of a screen pumping it full of dopamine.

Like your book stating the mind created artificial stress, I believe my mind created (and creates) artificial need to get off.  In both cases the brain is just tricking us to get its drug of choice.

 

[rebirth1964]

Everyone keep up the great work. Whether day 1 or day 100, the struggle is worth it. God bless you all and keep posting.

 

[53nomorepmo]

I found myself PMO before I would try to accomplish any big event. It was like I wanted to take the edge off and be calm before I started. Only problem is that I never really started. I got sucked into the world of porn and couldn't seem to break loose. Time would go by and before I knew it I was out of time and the pressure of the main event (that I had wanted to start) was worse then ever.

Really frustrating.

Exactly what I did.  I would say I will start "insert activity here" at "X O'clock just going to get rid of tension first" and always end up going over sometimes ruining a whole day.  I also used it to avoid making hard a difficult decisions.  Which is what I am trying to avoid doing now. 

For example, my spouse is out of control with other issues.  Rather than face the problem head on I am tempted to just back off into my fantasy world and ignore it.  How can I make good decisions if I don't feel what is happening to me? 

Life with out PMO is a better life.  No PIED, no loss of self-respect from being out of control, no objectification of significant others, and more intimacy and better sex.  Seems like a no brainer, but it isn't easy to change long habits. Hang in there!  It is worth it.  Hoping to make the journey with you.

 

[RSGrimm]

I have also tried to use it to relieve stress the day before an event and ended up staying up all night and had only one to two hours of sleep before. Yep, just like everyone else, I got more stressed not less. Just in the last few days I have been contemplating all the wasted time I have spent in this addiction. Lost time with my family and I don?t really have any friends any more. It truly is a sickness, it takes you away from everyone and acts like it is your only true friend, when in reality it is the reason you don?t have any real relationships in the first place. Recently we decided to move from our home of 10 years to a new town, for weeks my wife?s friends have been taking her out to eat, movies, crying that she is leaving. So far only one friend of mine even bothered to come by. I have spent some time reflecting on this and in reality I left here years ago and no one really knows me anymore. I have become numb inside and I feel like I can?t communicate with people any more. I am looking forward to this new start, to have friends you have to be a friend and I am a poor one at best. I am ready to leave the graveyard and live again. 

6 Days since I last PMO?d on May 20 2015

 

[unchained]

You're not kidding about the wasted time.  I'm 41, started PMO at 13.  If I averaged 2 hours a day looking at porn (which is very conservative), then I have about 2 years and 4 months of completely wasted time.  There were plenty of porn free days along the way, but there have been 8-10 hour all-nighters as well.

This part is really sad.....let's assume we are awake (or productive) 16 hours a day.  I have spent right at 12% of my waking hours since birth looking at porn.  It's no wonder our brains are f'd up.  At times I am amazed that it is even possible to heal from such behavior.

I compared that to my undergrad degree.  It took about 130hrs of credits.  Assuming I spent one hour studying for every hour of class work (which is a joke, I never studied much at all), my total time in class and study would equal just over 7 months of my life.

 

[Jay1946]

I I have been contemplating all the wasted time I have spent in this addiction. Lost time with my family and I don?t really have any friends any more. It truly is a sickness, it takes you away from everyone and acts like it is your only true friend, when in reality it is the reason you don?t have any real relationships in the first place.

You're not the only one!


When one is engrossed in PMO, one loses touch with reality, and as long as one is into PMO, one never touches ground. It's only when you come back to earth that you realize that you've been zoned out all that time and have missed whatever life has been happening around you.


Better late than never. Best not to look back at the past-except to learn from it-and focus on living life to it's fullest. Without PMO.

 

[RSGrimm]

So I have been reading some articles on YBOP (http://yourbrainonporn.com/vigorous-exercise), mostly about exercise and the use of it during reboot.  Has anyone also found that this helped to keep them focused? Was weight lifting or running more helpful? I find this site amazing. We are all dealing with the same problem but using different methods. I was reading several posts this morning and thinking ?man that is not going to work for you? and then I catch myself and realize they are not me. They may not have all the same weaknesses I have. If the process they use is not the standard but works for them, the goal is for it to work and if they fail then they can regroup and start again. It is strange how some people can stop doing something while others can?t. I had two friends both dipped tobacco (I also did at the time), after 10 years one just quit and the one other had part of his jaw removed and he still could not quit.  Perhaps if he had access to a site like this he would have been able to.

 

[53nomorepmo]

So I have been reading some articles on YBOP (http://yourbrainonporn.com/vigorous-exercise), mostly about exercise and the use of it during reboot.  Has anyone also found that this helped to keep them focused? Was weight lifting or running more helpful? I find this site amazing. We are all dealing with the same problem but using different methods. I was reading several posts this morning and thinking ?man that is not going to work for you? and then I catch myself and realize they are not me. They may not have all the same weaknesses I have. If the process they use is not the standard but works for them, the goal is for it to work and if they fail then they can regroup and start again. It is strange how some people can stop doing something while others can?t. I had two friends both dipped tobacco (I also did at the time), after 10 years one just quit and the one other had part of his jaw removed and he still could not quit.  Perhaps if he had access to a site like this he would have been able to.

Exercise has worked for me, as has losing weight and getting ALL other vices under control.  For others this might be a recipe for failure.  For me being information driven and following the science of what is happening to my body and brain are motivation. 

I want to be as sure as I can that when I have relations with other that I am all there, and feeling things as natural as possible.  Like you I find this site an amazing resource.  One of the reasons is pretty basic - in my own thoughts about the issue I have felt like a freak, or weird beyond belief and down on myself.  Participating in this forum I found that I have typical for of a PMO addict.  I now understand my body and what is happening to me, be it morning wood, temptation, lack of intimacy, a fetish, whatever it is.  I have found a way to discuss it, understand it and control it through this forum, these guys and the information here and linked through YPOB...  Keep working it sounds like you are getting to a good place!

 

[Jay1946]

So I have been reading some articles on YBOP (http://yourbrainonporn.com/vigorous-exercise), mostly about exercise and the use of it during reboot.  Has anyone also found that this helped to keep them focused?

I've been a runner for more than forty five years. for 18 out of those 45 I've been addicted to Porn. So, exercise has not prevented me from getting addicted. Unfortunately the time I dedicated to internet porn is time I could have used to exercise. Many a times I've neglected going out for a run, because of being engrossed in the net. Nevertheless, now that I am trying to "sober up" exercise is one of the preferred activities to make me feel good about myself and keep me away from the junk.

 

[unchained]

Look into cold showers as well as exercise.  They are a quick & easy way to really make you feel good all day.

Listen to this Gary Wilson radio show.  It explains about why exercise, cold showers and other things really help the recovering addict:

http://yourbrainonporn.com/wwwgettingstrongerorg-host-todd-becker-shares-his-tips-reversing-addiction-show-22

 

[RSGrimm]

Unchained, great link! I will be listening to that again. I took cold showers most of my early life (not by choice) and don?t remember any benefit, but I was not in the reboot process. I totally agree with 53nomorepmo, this addiction makes you feel like some sort of freak, until you get on this site and realize that what you are going through is normal (for someone with this addiction). Jay1946, I?m with you and agree with the neglecting the more important things. At this point I?m trying to focus on the positive aspects of recovery rather than the negative aspects of long term addiction on my life.   

 

[sodonewithit]

I hit the gym 4-5 days a week both during my addiction and now after 3 months clean.  The before was ok but these last months have been different.  Focus, drive and want are all comments.  I've made contacts at the gym and now I'm not as bad of a creep but who can't help a glance.  Amazingly enough I've even had a chat or two with some of the women but it's just a me thing there.

I'd definitely do something physically demanding it's damn fun.