changed my focus and my attitude

[chickaboomski]

I have always preached so well. Dealing with this hell inside seen my normally positive focus and attitude take a beating and swing like crazy and land belly up in a depressive negative state of mind and wasting focus and energy on not accepting what I alone can not change. In doing so I made this all about me. A strangers comment the other day and a few much appreciated messages seen my state of mind change in an instant. The words I live by I had forgotten. Where focus goes, energy flows. And wasted focus means wasted energy. Energy I do no have to waste. I hit rock bottom last week. Breaking down mentally and failing in all aspects of my life. Something had to give.

I was forced into 3 days heavily medicated bed rest. But the rest while welcomed by my body. Did not help my mind change focus. It was the support and love of you guys. Strangers. Advice that was welcomed. When my attitude snap changed so did my focus. And while this may not work for everyone elses relationship and struggle, I thought it worthy of sharing as it has made a massive change in mine.

Tuesday, once I had my dramatic click moment. There was no more begging, no more hurting, no more feeling like I jad something to do with this. My focus shifted to what I do have control over. What I can change. What I can accept. I gave no more ultimatums, no more discussions, no more intolerance no tolerance. Instead I chose less is best. I made it clear that I was clear from my and depression and anxiety from all things in life. Not just this. I told my SO I finaly felt free to be me. I told him that I accepted the position I was in was a result of the decisions I had or had not made in the past. And the person I want to be in the future. Will be a result of the decisions I make or don't make now. And I am no longer going to allow the decisions of others dictate mine and my childrens future. This has seen a serious subconscious shift and decision on his part.

I still stand by my decisions. And while early days. 5 days later. He is going strong. I don't need him to admit or face anything for me. I know he found me on here and read my post as he had been on my computer. I don't really know whats going on in his head. But I know he is making drastic changes in his life. He has been more hands on with me and decided to work in my business with me when the kids go to school. No more massive days at home on his own to wollow and fill time in. It is early days. I am so proud of him. I am so grateful. And I will stand by my man, I wont allow myself to get caught up in the emotion of this anymore. If he slips. That is a decision that he has made that will affect his future. I hold no resentment. I told him  that any man that shares my life has to be a strong man. And I asked him if he is strong enough. Now he has to prove it. He knows my love is worth it. And most of all, I know that.

 

[Gracie]

Yay!  Woo Hoo! and good for you!  This is encouraging news.  Perhaps finding out how deeply both males and females are affected helped him.  When you talked about him being a man enough.  It reminded me of something my husband and I did.  We have Spotify on our computer and we picked songs, love songs to put on a "Love List"  Sheryl Crow's song Are you strong enough to be my man is on there!  GOOD SONG!

 

[Jimmy James]

Good for you CB!  I think it is a great thing that he found your posts here.  He needed to read your raw unfiltered thoughts to help understand how hurt you are. Hopefully he will continue to read here even if he doesn't join. Together you can overcome this.

 

[53nomorepmo]

Very inspiring turnaround.  So glad reframing the issue is having result.  Stay strong, keep thinking of you.  This forum has helped me as well gain a new perspective.  I wish all best for you and your family!

 

[Steam rolled]

GREAT NEWS !!!!!

Your SO is lucky to have a woman who has put so much into trying to find answers and help keep the family together.
And to help him get out of THE TRAP !!!

This can be concurred.

Thanks to love

 

[chickaboomski]

Sad to report his change was short lasting. But my attitude and focus has not changed. I can not change his. What I can change is my actions, my future. I hold the power of what I allow to bring me down, and I'll be damned if it will be this. No more. So what am I going to do about it? Stick by my word. Protect my emotional and mental health bydisconnecting and moving forward on my own. Take responsibility for myself and my heart. I am not proposing leaving just as yet, but I am not proposing that is a secondd chance either. Seperate sleeping quarters amd living as friends for the meanwhile. Because. At the end of the day thats all we are without intimacy or the deeper respect one should have for a partner. I'm not hung up on hope. If I see change, and the awesome man he can be appear, I have no doubt I will fall in love with him all over again. No more waiting. No more wanting to hear words. No more hurt. I accept this is out of my control, I accept he is not doing this to be malicious, what I don't accept, is this is something I have to live with. I am a mum of 3 girls. That scares the shit out of me. I have to set a standard of what I want for them. This, does not live up to that standard. Some say build a bridge, personally, I am great at building walls. And only a strong man will be able to vreak through this one. Onwards and upwards. Where focus goes, energy flows. I am done with wasting my focus and energy on fantasy. I want to live the fantasy. Not watch it.

 

[53nomorepmo]

This is heart breaking news.  I am so sorry this isn't working out.  Keeping working your plan for you and eventually you will land in a place you want to be, hopefully with your man, maybe not, but with you intact.  Good luck, and thinking and hoping for the outcome you want.

 

[chickaboomski]

It is what it is 53. Not heart breaking unless I let it. Someone told me in  PM last week maybe stop trying so hard. I know my plan is the right move for me and my kids. And maybe, just maybe, like you said, its the right thing for him and our relationship. Maybe it is the beginning. Maybe it is the end. But really. What it is, is a step in the right direction. And I am calm, content, comfortable and confident in my decision. I will be ok.

 

[Steam rolled]

Iam calm, content, comfortable and confident in my decision. I will be ok.

Checking in on chicka, hows things?
Btw- every time im feeling down i think of your words above.

Thank you.

 

[chickaboomski]

Hey SR, Happy to report I am still all of the above. And super pleased my words bring comfort. I am making great headway and so is my SO. Turns out PTSD makes me flip my lid prematurely and my SO was falsely accused on the one occasion I accused him of but admitted to watching since our last disscusion. He seen my wall, acknowledged my trauma, that he was a trigger I can do without, and one I am willing to cut out. So, he has made the choice of no more or no me. Again, still all of those things above I call the C's. Taking my own headspace back. He is going above and beyond to reassure me and taking interest in my mental health. I still have this wall protecting my heart. However, like I said to him. Only a strong wonderful man can Knock it down and I can put it back up in an instant as I can tell when he has watched porn. Particularly a lot. I know he can be that man. But I won't rely on that for peace of mind. I need to feed my own soul so to speak. I have nothing to give if all I am is what he gives me. So self love and time for me is becoming a regular thing. I know his love for me is stronger than his desire to watch porn. I know he is depressed also with him being the homemaker relying on me, a man who has always been the provider. He is still working with me. And even when I cracked it and told him not to bother coming in he did anyway. You know how it goes. Baby steps. Relationships can heal. I think of you and your superman and know he can do it. My calm, content, comfortablity and confident decision scared the crap out of him. It showed him I have the power to stop this for me. And I will. If he wants to do the same thats up to him. And now he finally gets it. All of it. I still don't see him joining here. But he is reading the books I have. And he is limiting time alone. He has given up his phone. Finally. And has accepted now, the power of us is all up to him because I'm too tired trying.

 

[double trouble]

You go girl! Your an exemple for a lot of us i think