I f**king can't stand condoms

[Restezen]

So, my girlfriend and I have started having sex.  This is something that we took our time with a lot (at least in my experience) since she was a virgin and I was doing my reboot and so there wasn't much reason to get right into it.

Although my porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) has become a lot better since I first discovered it (I can get rock hard even in the morning while fooling around with my girl) it seems like as soon as she decides she wants to have sex and I pull the condom out, my dick becomes flaccid within seconds.  It's like a turtle seeing an approaching predator.

Even if I can stay hard long enough to put it on, it definitely can't stay hard enough for anything to go in.  (like I said before, my gf is a virgin)

I'm getting so so so frustrated.  I feel like such a disappointment to my girlfriend.  She is just starting to get over her apprehension of having sex and I feel like I am ruining it for her.

I don't remember ever having any luck with condoms actually, except for maybe when I myself was also a virgin and had only been masturbating for a few years. 

So is it the condoms?  Is it the PIED?  Is it performance anxiety?  Am I flatlining?

I feel so emotionally fucked up over it.  I don't need to have sex, but there is so much lead up to it when I'm with my girlfriend that it's just something we both really want to do.  But then my dick decides it doesn't like condoms.  Will it ever pass?  I feel so helpless.  I don't want to make her go on the pill or anything.  And even if she did I think she's too cautious to go without a condom anyway.

On top of the emotional let down, I'm going broke going through condoms because basically I try to stick it in, it doesn't go in, I go soft, the condom is useless, we keep fooling around, I get hard again, new condom, and so on.

I'm guessing the answer you're going to tell me is that I should just stop trying to have sex for a while.  But what am I supposed to make of this?  I haven't felt particular up or down emotionally since starting the reboot.  This is the first time after almost 3 months where I actually felt super fucking upset with myself.  I don't know what to think and now whenever there is a chance of us having sex I get this weird apprehension and anxiety.

Thanks for any advice.

 

[Fappy]

Oh Jesus Shit-balls if i had a dollar for every time this happened to me.... Id have, like, 8 or 9 bucks or some shit.
Anyway!
As for the causes you mentioned, it could be a combination of all three. But in my case it was PIED. As soon as she mentioned a condom i would shrink like a frightened turtle.
The way i see it is that you have two options:
1. You can wait a little longer and explain to your gf the reasons why.
2. Or, you can what i did. Before i even started foreplay and was even fully erect, i put the condom on. I basically stretched my cock out as far as it would go and rolled on. Then i started foreplay. I didnt have to worry about getting hard and putting on the conny, it left my mind and i just concentrated on her. Didnt even think about the condom.

 

[mah_hong]

Quite a few guys have issues with condoms. Like, it's not the most sexually arousing of things, taking off the packet, getting it on etc. and if you start to feel your erection fading you might have a hard time getting it back - that in itself can start to become a worrisome pattern and then you start getting anxious and nervous and waiting for that moment and finding yourself shrivel up when it happens.

Bottom line is - probably mostly anxiety. Not necessarily performance related, just worried you'll go soft, starting to associate putting a condom on with bad things happening.

I think what Fappy says is actually good advice - maybe try putting the condom on before penetrating, before proper foreplay even? Have her give you a blow job, fool around for a while with the condom on first. Tell her your fears and that you'll try and penetrate when you get the erection - whether it takes 5 or 10 or 20 minutes after putting the thing on. Don't see it as some kind of "Oh God" moment that you have to follow up with - just enjoy.

It's classic male thinking - "I've got to put this condom over my rock hard, throbbing member and then show her the time of her life". You put so much pressure on yourself that the slightest apprehension or flaccidity just magnifies into this whole "I can't keep it up/she's gonna hate me/we're never gonna have sex" terror that is guaranteed to make you shrivel and not feel like carrying on.

Learn to not associate the act of putting a condom on as some kind of "this is it" moment of truth thing. Get it on and fool around and concentrate on her. Tell her about it, let her in to your worries - if you can get it up you'll go in, and if you can't you'll find other ways of pleasing her.

By doing this you won't see putting the condom on as some "now or never" moment but just something you do at some point early on in sex. You're making it THE thing to do before you HAVE to penetrate and keep it up. It's so stressful and difficult to enjoy yourself if that's how you view it.

Also - masturbate/edge/play around with condoms privately. Get used to how they feel, get used to putting them on. In the end they should just become something you don't think about. Right now you see them as some kind of threshold you have to cross to keep going. Just relax - enjoy fooling around, don't pressure on yourself, put the condom on early and don't associate it with something that HAS to come next. I can almost guarantee all the problems are in your head!

 

[jkkk]

Hey ROK,

Fappy is correct.

I'm afraid you need more time. I had the same problem and it all occurred while I was having problems with actual sex due to PIED and PIPE at the same time.

A good, long, serious reboot makes you go into a mode where a condom is not a problem.

I just think you might need more time. I understand she is now ready but what you can tell her is that it seems that you are not really - again, something for you guys to wait for and look forward to.

 

[chpcbr]

Sorry but wearing a condom before having an erection is just wrong. I do understand the issue at hand but it's no excuse for suggesting poor practices. Getting some private training with condoms when no actual intercourse is in sight is a much better option.

 

[Restezen]

I'm not too sure privately edging, etc. with a condom is exactly a step in the right direction.  I am still in a reboot after all.  I guess it's just going to take more time.  Hopefully when I feel a little more comfortable with myself I won't have that nagging anxiety. 

 

[Fappy]

Sorry but wearing a condom before having an erection is just wrong. I do understand the issue at hand but it's no excuse for suggesting poor practices. Getting some private training with condoms when no actual intercourse is in sight is a much better option.

In what way is the method i suggested wrong?  Its simply a way to circumvent the anxiety related to getting a condom out and putting it on for sex.
He doesnt have a sensitivity problem, so "private training" would serve no purpose as his problem is related to actually being with his girlfriend.
If there is no intercourse in sight the OP would be able to wear a condom. He said its once he takes out a condom in front of his girlfriend he goes soft. This suggests performance anxiety related to actually knowing you will have sex. He stated that he can get hard just fooling around with no expectation of intercourse. Having a private wank with a condom on seems like a poor practice. 

 

[sodonewithit]

It's in your head.  If you can get it up during for play but it goes during I'd suspect it's the only thought in your head which will only lead to failure.  You can't stick it in uncovered so I'd try having her practice with a banana and then get her to put it on or breath, calm down, kiss more and put it on blind.

You will get over this and in to her.  Do us old guys proud and win the race.

 

[chpcbr]

In what way is the method i suggested wrong?  Its simply a way to circumvent the anxiety related to getting a condom out and putting it on for sex.
He doesnt have a sensitivity problem, so "private training" would serve no purpose as his problem is related to actually being with his girlfriend. [..]

I'm not too sure privately edging, etc. with a condom is exactly a step in the right direction.  I am still in a reboot after all.  I guess it's just going to take more time.  Hopefully when I feel a little more comfortable with myself I won't have that nagging anxiety.

Sorry, I should probably have explained myself better. It was my understanding that the OP has a bad relationship with condoms in general. In this light, I was suggesting some private training not in terms of wanking, but in terms of getting more... competent and handy with the condoms themselves, without the pressure of actual sex in sight and without negative consequences if something goes somehow wrong. Try to wear one, stretch it, play with it, take it off and try again, turn it inside out if you did it wrong... This kind of stuff.
It's a general purpose suggestion that has nothing in particular to do with PMO, rebooting and the like.

If wearing a condom by itself is not an issue at all, my suggestion is useless. But this sentence made me think otherwise:

[...]
I don't remember ever having any luck with condoms actually, except for maybe when I myself was also a virgin and had only been masturbating for a few years. 

And again, I think Fappy's suggestion about wearing a condom early is wrong in pure terms of efficiency of the tool. It may circumvent the anxiety/PIED issue, but any basic guide will tell you not to wear one before you have a proper erection. If STD are not an issue it would probably be a better idea to adopt a different method of birth control, at least temporarily.

In any case, I meant no offense to anyone.

 

[Restezen]

No offence taken.  I understand what you meant now. 
Actually I have been using condoms for a long time now, so I think I have a pretty good understanding of how to put one on effectively and efficiently.  The problem for me lies in the fact that condoms are really gross, annoying, and basically a sex-killer in my opinion.  There's nothing sexy to me about putting a tight fitting rubber bag on my wang.  That's why I said I never really had much luck with them. 

That being said, I only ever started having sex after I had started masturbating to porn, so that probably had a lot to do with my feelings toward condoms as well.  After all, you barely ever see a condom being put on in porn.  And usually if I came across a video where condoms were obviously being worn, in my mind it would knock the overall quality of the porn down quite a few notches.  Thus, I likely conditioned myself to hate condoms when having sex.  However, I would sometimes wank with condoms on for whatever reason and would never have a problem in that case.... 

 

[sodonewithit]

Well they have been invented for a reason and you don't want a accident or a std so it puts you in a spot.  There could be a correlation between the on screen association but that is something you have to ignore.  Remember there is a lady wanting to share herself with you and that is the goal. 

You might want to admit hiw nervous you are to her.  Getting this stuff out in the open gives it no where to hide.

 

[chpcbr]

No offence taken.  I understand what you meant now. 
Actually I have been using condoms for a long time now, so I think I have a pretty good understanding of how to put one on effectively and efficiently.  The problem for me lies in the fact that condoms are really gross, annoying, and basically a sex-killer in my opinion.  There's nothing sexy to me about putting a tight fitting rubber bag on my wang.  That's why I said I never really had much luck with them. 

That being said, I only ever started having sex after I had started masturbating to porn, so that probably had a lot to do with my feelings toward condoms as well.  After all, you barely ever see a condom being put on in porn.  And usually if I came across a video where condoms were obviously being worn, in my mind it would knock the overall quality of the porn down quite a few notches.  Thus, I likely conditioned myself to hate condoms when having sex.  However, I would sometimes wank with condoms on for whatever reason and would never have a problem in that case....

I'm glad we understood each other in the end. I share your opinion on condoms, both in porn and in real life, but obviously they are a necessary evil in many circumstances.
Maybe in time, especially if your negative association with them was also caused by porn, things will get better.

 

[Restezen]

Had some success today.  Managed to have sex, with a condom, and remained rather hard for most of it.  I tried not to really care or get emotional about the whole prospect of having sex and that seemed to help a lot.  I basically just didn't care whether we had sex or not and then without saying anything at all I just put on condom on as soon as I was hard enough.  This might sound bad, but I also didn't let it bother me so much that my girlfriend might be in a bit of pain (I am her first sexual partner).  Don't get me wrong though, I still made sure she was ok and happy to continue throughout the whole thing.  The difference this time was that when she said she was ok I didn't let myself think about it too much.  I believed her when she said she was ok, rather than second-guessing.

Still wasn't rock hard throughout, but I'm ok with that because at least there was improvement.  I don't think I'll ever like condoms but at least I know there is some fun that can be had with them.

 

[chpcbr]

Good, good! 

 

[Kris]

Are u using lubricant? For me that works a lot better. Both for my erection and for my gf while using a condome.