Peaceseeker's Journal

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peaceseeker

Guest
Good evening,

I tried quitting porn on my own, didn't work. Starting a journal to see if it helps me quit. As my name suggests, I'm looking for some inner-peace. I want to lose the anxiety and the secret shame I carry from being a porn addict.

I am a 35 year old man with a wife and 2 kids. I work mostly nights and look after the kids 3 days a week while my wife works. My biggest PMO triggers are stress and tiredness. Sometimes I have plenty of these, and during these times my resolve to quit will be tested.

I've made a decent life for myself and I'm relatively happy. I enjoy working out and keeping healthy. Quitting PMO feels like the final piece of the puzzle for me. To be honest quitting has been a lot harder than I expected.

I am starting fresh today and using my journal to help me. I feel confident I can make it. I look forward to spending some time reading other journals over the coming days to learn what I can to help me end this addiction.

Thank you for reading,

peaceseeker.
 
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afb7

Guest
Hi peaceseeker. Welcome to the forums.

So tiredness and stress out you into trigger territory? I hope you can figure out the keys to dealing with the triggers and this overall P problem like the rest of us. It's been really helpful for me to be on here. I try to post once a day, although if it's particularly rough, I'll post another time.

Good luck in the next days. It seems pretty different for everybody. For me, I found the first ten days easy, then it got tough before calming down about a week or two later. Now I'm just dealing with the day to day stuff, though I'm not in that gargantuan inner struggle over P-use specifically.

I look forward to reading your journal and seeing how this goes for you.
 
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Bryan

Guest
Welcome, peaceseeker!  I'd venture to say that just about every person here has had similar experiences re: trying to quit on our own and not succeeding.  Hence this community.  The support from people here, and the chance to follow other stories that were so similar to my own, are what finally turned things around for me.  I hope you find reboot nation & yourbrainonporn as helpful as I have.  And like Afb7, I too found the first ~10 days to be relatively smooth sailing.  The third week has been trying but being active with my journal and with posting here has kept my resolve up. 

Good luck.
 
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peaceseeker

Guest
Hello afb7 and Bryan,

Thank you for welcoming me to the community, I had not expected a response so soon! I took the time early this morning to read through both of your journals and I observed a lot of similarities between your experiences and those of my own. I particularly enjoyed a part of afb7?s journal that discussed the use of a visualization strategy when the urge / temptation to PMO arises. Often I go on auto-pilot and seem to lose the ability to reason properly before I PMO. When I?m in this state I?ll definitely take the time out to visualize the act of PMO and imagine how I will feel afterwards. I think it?s a good strategy that will really help me snap out of it. I am so happy to have found this supportive community, where I can learn from those with more knowledge and experience than myself.

So, day 1 didn?t feel too good after yesterday?s PMO binge. I feel very flat and tired, like I have lost my life force. Before yesterday I hadn?t done PMO for nearly a month. So it was a shock to the system, especially to have done it 3 times in a short period of time. Even using the toilet hurt today! That was a bit weird. On a positive note I have had very little urge to PMO.

Since joining the forum, I have a new sense of hope. I feel committed, like I?m back on track and heading in the right direction. Hopefully I can keep this feeling going and build on it.

Regards,

peaceseeker.
 
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peaceseeker

Guest
Hi Joe and thank you for the kind words of support.

A little more background information. My last streak away from PMO was about 30 days. My longest streak has been 40 days. Every other attempt I have relapsed at around day 10 or earlier. When I compare my current situation to my old PMO habits, I have certainly come a long way. However, since reviewing YBOP and a few other websites I realize that I have been making a lot of mistakes. For example; I use porn substitutes, such as swimwear type images on social media. I also do a lot of fantasizing, objectifying woman (even ones on TV). I also stimulate myself when showering (not to orgasm). I now realize these actions are giving me a dopamine fix.

During the 40 day and 30 day streaks, I was receiving many benefits. I felt better in myself, was more talkative and friendly, and just felt more emotionally connected to my family and friends. I'm excited to see what results I get this time by removing the mistakes discussed above. I hope you guys are having a good day - stay strong!

Regards,

peaceseeker.
 
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peaceseeker

Guest
Feeling irritable today. I think it's from underlying stress, feeling like I have nothing but hard work ahead of me for the next couple of months before enjoying a planned family holiday. I know I shouldn't think like this, I need a positive mind set so I can enjoy life and have some fun each day. The irritability is also a side effect from doing PMO the other day. I know the feeling well and it tempts me to do it again. I reason with myself, well I feel like shit anyway, so why not PMO?

Another day down, staying strong. I know my mood will improve.

peaceseeker
 
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peaceseeker

Guest
Hey guys,

Unfortunately I relapsed again today so I will be forced to reset my counter back to day 0. I?m pretty disappointed that it has happened, especially so soon after starting my journal. I?ve made a commitment to end the addiction and relapsed after 3 days. Not a good feeling.

I won't give up. I know I can have a better life without PMO. Sometimes it just seems like such a good idea, but it is a delicious tasting poison that makes me sick.

I have created 4 rules for myself while rebooting:

1) I will stop indulging in sexual fantasies (particularly when I have urges)
2) I will stop using porn substitutes (such as images on social media)
3) I will stop leering sexually at women (in real life and on TV)
4) I will stop putting my hand on my penis (even through clothing)

I had strong urges today, dealing with the chaser effect after having sex last night. I continually fantasized which led me to PMO. I PMO'd once, but right now I am still resisting the urge to binge. I need to lose the mindset that I've relapsed so I may as well make the most of it. Instead I need to realize that if I keep going it will just make me feel worse than I already do.

peaceseeker.
 
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afb7

Guest
Hey peace seeker. Good to see you're coming back after relapsing. I find it tough to open up about relapses (especially with my wife) when they happen.

I notice you're making the no-leering thing part of your recovery too. It's hard to admit that checking women out is often just a kind of leering. I think I agree with your method of going big or going home. I have soothed myself a lot through unconscious touching of myself too, so I have the same goal as you of no-touching . Something as powerful as P addiction needs powerful changes.

Good luck today getting through the urges to relapse again. As we all know to some degree, beating the urges can feel good too.
 
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peaceseeker

Guest
Hi Afb7,

Thanks for replying. I feel terrible about the relapse and was tempted to pretend it didn't happen and continue my journal. But there is no point, I would only be hurting myself. As for telling my wife what happened, I think I will give that a miss on this occasion. I do usually tell her if I have a relapse, and I know it is not her intention to make me feel bad, but she usually just makes me feel more shame.

I certainly do need to make a lot of changes. I have some deep rooted issues surrounding sexuality and the opposite sex, all thanks to over 20 years of PMO addiction. In the past I couldn't see a woman as anything other than a number between 1-10 on a scale of fuckability. Kind of a sad way to be when you think about it.

But I'll pick myself up and move forward again using my new rules / strategies and see where it takes me.

regards,

peaceseeker.
 
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