New here shocked and angry

[scimus]

For years I've bad this question in my mind:
Is it normal that a man would have to watch porn throughout (during) the entire course of a making love to his wife in order to ejeculate?
My husband had excuses like "sexual attaction" dont last and couples become family/friends which actually deepens the relationship; you're too easy to get wet and reach orgasm after which I cant feel a thing; I feel unconfortable with condoms (but he's the same after I switched to pills); mastubation is healthy and porn can spice up sex...
Nowadays we have sex less than once a month and he cannot get through it without watching porn at the same time...
But otherwise he's a loving husband and I knew about his porn collection and didnt think too much about it...we talk about pretty girls on the street, not a problem, he's just a man and I'm a good wife who respect my husband's hobbies and imperfections....
Until a few days ago when I suggested we should try to have more sex...
And he said, it doesnt work like that it depends on whether he gets visual stimulate from online...or whether he sees a sexy girl on the street...
I suddenly realised all this time he was not having sex with me, but someone else, a fantasy, visual stimulous. What am I to him?
I felt insulted and even more insulted that he didnt realise that it would hurt me.
I'm sexy, confident and intellegent young woman with a good career. I dont deserve to be treated like this.
This is how I ended up here, reading, crying, feeling betrayed.
But what should I do? How can I save this relationship? How can I make him realise?

 

[scimus]

I have shown him the website.
I have pointed out that he has a problem.
I have expressed my frustration.
And he said "honey I'm sorry but can we do this slowly because too much pressure can cause anxiety...how about restricting porn to only when we have sex?"

 

[sodonewithit]

Try to have him watch the videos.  Stuff like you get to wet and orgasm to quick are bs excuses but all us guys have used them. 

Sorry that the porn has replaced sex, it's  a horrible situation to find oneself in.  The other day I watched a part of "hot girls wanted" as in my signature, put that depressing flick on for the two of you.  Life sucks and some times the guy has to know.

Good luck lady, post and share.  The other women here are nice and some of us guys feel like douche bags after seeing who we were and love to try make amends.

 

[Steam rolled]

Truly sorry about your heart ache.

Would a alcoholic be o.k with just a little bit to drink ? NO
And neither would anyone who is addicted to anything, a little bit is not letting it go!
And this sounds like addiction.

Anxiety is part of healing from anything that has a grasp on you and i would much rather have anxiety then being trapped in a addition that hurts my love one and myself.
all the feelings you are having goes right along with the pain this causes, its not fair and right!

If its dealt with and let go, your lives will be so much better!! fact!!

Good luck.

 

[chickaboomski]

So sorry you are here but welcome. I have just had the same battle getting my man to see the pain and damage this has not only done to me and us, but him. A beautiful caring man whom can't help but care more about his hand and video clips than whats at risk right in front of him. I tried to discuss nicely, his comments and answers seemingly to him unknowingly ripping me apart inside. I tried to show him the emotional mess it was making me. Making him choose to hide it to protect my feelings (go figure), and I tried the harshness all or nothing. The hardest part to accept was this was all out of my control. What has made him realize was the switch between seeing someone so caring and loving who would do anything for him, simply not care anymore. I told him straight none of it matters anymore because I am done hurting and need to protect not only my heart but sanity and as a selfdefence mechanism I choose not to let it control my emotions and state of mind anymore. That I was not going to rely my happiness on the hands of another whom is more wrapped up in what makes them happy. I was not giving up hope. But more so giving myself hope and power that I will be ok. We are all beautiful and sexy, and our men do love us. You can try to force him to to watch videos or look here, I tried everything. It was not until I had a rebooter message me and tell me his sorry for my pain, but maybe stop trying so hard. Focus on you, its not a bad thing. And ultimately will save your sanity. I'm not saying leave or walk away, but give to yourself the attention and self love he is not and let him know its ok you don't need him. You would like to want him, but don't want him this way. All of this is all advice and you need to find what works for you. Its a bugger of a journey that none of us wanted to take. So be kind to yourself and know we are all here to support you. My journey is still in infancy stages and I have only just got through to his head what is on the line because of this. It can hurt like hell if you let it. But your SO is trapped by addiction. He may say things that he has no idea what it does to you. All addicts do. So try not to take it personally. Xx all the best Chicka

 

[HandsomeAwkward]

Hi there and welcome.

I think it's important to understand that the condition he, and many of us, have has dampened his neural response to real stimulus like you, and he needs the novelty of porn to get off. It isn't that you aren't sexy -- indeed, it's not even that the other women he sees are sexier than you -- it's that his sexual drive is now anchored to constant novelty and elevation that porn provides. It's shitty to blame you for that, but he didn't know.

Now if I understand correctly, he does know now, so every action he takes from here on out is inexcusable. Yes, he's addicted, but like all of us he has the power to stop and heal himself if he considers it important enough. If you haven't already, see if he'll admit he has a problem. He simply will not want to fix the problem if he thinks there is no problem to fix. You also may want to show him this thread and the replies to it. So he understands there are people that agree with you due to experience, and his excuses are bullshit. I've gone through the exact same thing. Blaming every external variable I could before I'd consider porn and masturbation a problem. I was going to take viagra, as an eighteen year old, before I admitted porn was a problem.

Point being: get him to admit he has a problem, and encourage him to try a reboot. Show him stories and www.yourbrainonporn.com if he still denies it. Perhaps even show him this thread.

Best of luck to you

Oh and for the husband if he sees this, looking at porn at all during your reboot will screw up and slow down progress. I would highly recommend not watching it even while being intimate with your wife.

 

[Letzte]

You're being way too forgiving. Stand up for yourself, you do not deserve to be treated like that. If he truly loves you then he will quit watching porn.

 

[Maxime]

If he truly loves you then he will quit watching porn.

I'd avoid those kinds of thoughts as much as possible.
It's not realistic.

Anyway, I do think he's deeply addicted. From what he does and says, I think there's no doubt about it.
He should completely stop watching. There will be a period during which he'll have no "release" because he can't have sex with you and can't rely on porn; but that's part of the process, after all.
He will have to admit his addiction, though, and have a will of his own to reboot. Forcing him will lead you/him nowhere.

 

[jkkk]

I have shown him the website.
I have pointed out that he has a problem.
I have expressed my frustration.
And he said "honey I'm sorry but can we do this slowly because too much pressure can cause anxiety...how about restricting porn to only when we have sex?"

Well he's right about the anxiety stuff. Withdrawal after stopping to watch will most likely hit him hard, as they hit every addict.

But that's no excuse, no doubt about it.

I get heartbroken reading those stories: I breaks my heart because some guys do that to their loving spouses, but it breaks my heart because I did the same thing to mine.

And this is my viewpoint. I would gladly sit down with the guy and explain him a few thing about the neurobiology of the addiction. It's necessary to understand where one is at and where one needs to get. Also, I would probably explain to him how this addiction is an illness of soul, body and mind. Because I'm sure he has symptoms across all those areas, like every addict.

I'm powerless though. The central thing in overcoming this is a deep-rooted willing to be free, to live a better life, to have full fun.

The best thing to start is a 70 minutes marathon. Here it is: (first video that pops up - the MArch 2015 version)

http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-on-porn-series

You're powerless, scimus, too. I'm not sure if blackmailing, frowning, crying, begging, leaving him, can help. I have no idea. And I'm sorry for that - actually taking your time to read my post only to find out there is no solution in it. But I'm praying for all people who come to this site, so you will be included and your husband - as an add-on to you at this stage - as well.

 

[Steam rolled]

If he truly loves you then he will quit watching porn.

I'd avoid those kinds of thoughts as much as possible.
It's not realistic.

Maxine is absolutly correct, I felt the same way and have even said that in the past I WAS WRONG!
My SO loves me unconditonally even when he was PMO.
But just like most all wives and GF we DONT want both !!!!

 

[Chaos Mind]

I used to participate in an erotic online community. For some couples it seems to be common practice to watch porn during sex with their partner. It was mentioned as a positive thing that there were external stimuli adding up to the lust for the real person in bed. Moreover a shared porn consumption was supposed to trigger new ideas and techniques in bed. The downsides were simply not mentioned. I'll have to add that in this community it was 90% men speaking, even when registered as "couple".

At the "zenith" of my porn consumption I sometimes felt bad for my relationship. I had a bad conscience and from time to time I was wondering how I could make that stop. Quitting was not the option of course. My gf was and still is pretty open minded for new exciting stuff in the bedroom so at one point I even thought about adding that, too. Luckily I never did! Some members reported how they'd done it: tell their wives step by step about the world of porn (in case they are not familiar with it). It starts with making out to erotic scenes on TV. Then maybe an erotic movie. Discussing about the sexiness of male and female actors. Letting the plot swap through the screen into the living room and onto the couch. "Imagine I am that guy and you are that hooker"...*roar*. Then there is display of softcore movie, disguised as a "have a look at what I find pretty!". It ends up with real sex scenes with open end all the way to hardcore porn.

Some women would follow this dangerous path, some would stop at some point. I do not want to deny that some couples indeed benefit from that, spicing up their sex life - just like not every male who watches porn is an addict who ruins his life. But some will. And you, scimus, have followed your SO into a trap. I am sure he didn't want to harm you. His intentions were good, but the sad thing is: you might as well have never been a part in this game. Your feelings tell you that all the time he was rather having sex to the pixels on the screen instead of enjoying the pleasure together with the woman he loves. I am inclined to confirm that worry. Porn visuals are too strong and I believe that they will always superimpose real stimuli.

I want you to know that this is not your fault. I'd even say you did the right thing: you were open minded. You trusted him and said "if this is what you want, I'll stay curious and see where you are leading me!". The problem is that HE lost control and both of you didn't notice. But now you did and that's the most important thing. This is the point were you open your eyes, look back and say "wait a second...how did we get to this place? I don't want to be here! Let's get back".

'Steam rolled' is right. You can't have an alcoholic drink beers "only" for celebrations. Because the thing he'd celebrate would always be the alcohol and not the celebration itself. Just like he'd never really have sex with you even when physically the case. If he can't get it going without porn that should be a huge warning for him. Whenever I can't do without something, I am addicted. And when I am addicted, I need to change.

I'd also like to emphasize the outstanding post of chickaboomski. If your efforts don't bear fruits then it's time to save your soul first. Show him that you still appreciate him for the person he is, but that you are unsatisfied as a woman.

[quote author="chickaboomski"]I'm not saying leave or walk away, but give to yourself the attention and self love he is not and let him know its ok you don't need him. You would like to want him, but don't want him this way.[/quote]

All thumbs up for that. No direct pressure on him. No acting up. Just the notion of decoupling your mental sanity from his destructive habit.