19 years old - horribly addicted - PIED

[no94]

Hi everyone.

I found out about porn at the age of about 12, when my cousin showed my a rather extreme genre of porn. Of course I was hooked, and overtime I started smuggling my laptop to the closet or even taking it with me to the bathtub to get my daily dose of PMO. As soon as I got my smartphone I started PMOing 2-3 times a day, sometimes even up to 6 times. I used mobile porn in at least 2/3rd of my overall PMO sessions.

Over the next few years I started getting worse grades, I was anti-social, pseudo-depressed (I was a pussy), I had brain fog and all these mental problems and I was wondering what all that is. I blamed it on school, mostly. Also I had huge anxiety spikes sometimes. I never ever could imagine myself having intimate times with any girl ever. I thought that there will always be awkward silences in conversations with anyone etc. I thought that I'd never develop a personality.

Around the same time last year I found out about no-PMO while stumbling over yourbrainonporn.com. Everything was clear immediately. I was trying to stay off of porn since, without much success though as my longest streak was only 18 days long. But along with that I did everything I could to improve my life, I lost weight, I got way more social, I stopped procrastinating and a lot more. Finally I managed to get rid of my fear of rejection and to make out with girls in clubs on a weekly basis as most of my other friends did.

This made me think, "is this porn addiction thing real? My life improved greatly, yet I am still masturbating every few days." I fell back into my old habit for a month or so.

Everything changed last week, when I, for the first time, was in bed with a girl I really liked. At first I got hard, but after a few minutes of penetration I got flaccid again. I tried thinking of my favourite porn scenes but still no luck. Literally grabbing my head, I went to sleep with a disappointed/angry girl (she was understanding the next day, luckily). There was alcohol involved, too, but this was the turning point for me.

In this journal, I am making a promise for myself: I will never mention and let a relapse happen anymore.

Thanks for reading my story.

 

[LTE]

Thanks for joining us. There is more to life than porn addiction and there is life after porn addiction, a good life.

Let me suggest a couple of things, one is in my signature line: Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward. Secondly, simply refuse to touch yourself. It's that simple. If you don't touch your penis for pleasure you will have no use for porn anymore. Porn abets masturbation. You can never find sexual satisfaction without a partner; NEVER!

 

[rainforth13]

Welcome to RN, no94! Glad you are here and thanks for sharing your story!

Over the next few years I started getting worse grades, I was anti-social, pseudo-depressed (I was a pussy), I had brain fog and all these mental problems and I was wondering what all that is.

Porn has a lot of negative affects as you described very well. I have suffered similarly with brain fog and mental problems, unable to focus, etc. Watching porn can mess with and change your brain physically like being addicted to drugs or other substances.

I believe we were created for the real thing, sex with a girl. And I'm sorry to hear about your recent experience. I know that has to seem depressing but sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to push off the ground and get back up.

I admire your courage and promise you are making. I believe you are headed in a good direction. Know that if you do relapse, it isn't the end of the world, but do keep pressing forward. You can do it!

 

[LTE]

Welcome to RN, no94! Glad you are here and thanks for sharing your story!

Over the next few years I started getting worse grades, I was anti-social, pseudo-depressed (I was a pussy), I had brain fog and all these mental problems and I was wondering what all that is.

Porn has a lot of negative affects as you described very well. I have suffered similarly with brain fog and mental problems, unable to focus, etc. Watching porn can mess with and change your brain physically like being addicted to drugs or other substances.

I believe we were created for the real thing, sex with a girl. And I'm sorry to hear about your recent experience. I know that has to seem depressing but sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to push off the ground and get back up.

I admire your courage and promise you are making. I believe you are headed in a good direction. Know that if you do relapse, it isn't the end of the world, but do keep pressing forward. You can do it!

When you consider the fact that sex is chiefly for reproduction, it certainly is in all other species, then your point about us being created for sex with a girl comes into even sharper focus.

 

[no94]

Thanks guys. I completely agree with you, thanks for the encouraging words.
"...i'm not making a sacrifice but earning something by giving it up." A quote I put in my signature on my YBR profile.

One week!

The last few days I've shifted my interests away from girls/sex because of the PIED incident the week before. But now I can feel the horniness rising again. I was talking a lot about girls with a friend today, fun times. It also made me crave real girls more, and kinda made me more "cocky". Before that, porn would do all the job as we know.
Man if I only had started this earlier without all that relapsing. I'd be on the top of the world by now.
Anyway, in the morning I had a big urge but I easily overcame it. I feel more social, and I finally start defending myself in situations instead of being a pussy and just laughing things off, as I did before.

Tomorrow, I'm invited over to female friends of mine to have a drink and then go clubbing. One of the girls showed interest in me before by asking for my number. Unfortunately, I was way too drunk later the same night, and she kinda was creeped out by me lol. I wanna try and sparkle her interest again tomorrow.

 

[LTE]

Thanks guys. I completely agree with you, thanks for the encouraging words.
"...i'm not making a sacrifice but earning something by giving it up." A quote I put in my signature on my YBR profile.

One week!

The last few days I've shifted my interests away from girls/sex because of the PIED incident the week before. But now I can feel the horniness rising again. I was talking a lot about girls with a friend today, fun times. It also made me crave real girls more, and kinda made me more "cocky". Before that, porn would do all the job as we know.
Man if I only had started this earlier without all that relapsing. I'd be on the top of the world by now.
Anyway, in the morning I had a big urge but I easily overcame it. I feel more social, and I finally start defending myself in situations instead of being a pussy and just laughing things off, as I did before.

Tomorrow, I'm invited over to female friends of mine to have a drink and then go clubbing. One of the girls showed interest in me before by asking for my number. Unfortunately, I was way too drunk later the same night, and she kinda was creeped out by me lol. I wanna try and sparkle her interest again tomorrow.

Keep walking the walk.

 

[rainforth13]

Congrats on one week! Proud of you, relish the moment but continue to persevere and know that it's not a race or a numbers game on the amount of days gone without PMOing. We're talking about your life and taking it one day at a time because that's all we're given. Press on!

 

[LTE]

Think of it like this, the first week is the hardest.

 

[no94]

Thanks guys. Your post are really helpful.

So I was out last night. Didn't sparkle that one girls interest, she danced with some other dude that night but honestly I couldn't care less. I am NEVER interested in females who don't show interest too or lose interest. This also keeps me from getting heartbroken.  :

My libido/horniness/interest for sex is rising again, and with that the urges arise too. Usually these urges are more physical, but after an unsuccessful night (no girl) the urges are mre mental too. But I know I'm better than that.

I am way more social and there are no awkward moments anymore.

 

[LTE]

Thanks guys. Your post are really helpful.

So I was out last night. Didn't sparkle that one girls interest, she danced with some other dude that night but honestly I couldn't care less. I am NEVER interested in females who don't show interest too or lose interest. This also keeps me from getting heartbroken.  :

My libido/horniness/interest for sex is rising again, and with that the urges arise too. Usually these urges are more physical, but after an unsuccessful night (no girl) the urges are mre mental too. But I know I'm better than that.

I am way more social and there are no awkward moments anymore.

That's a good strategy for dealing with girls.

Horny won't hurt you. Harness that energy and use it elsewhere.

 

[rainforth13]

Your awareness is a very good thing! Continue to be aware of triggers and danger zones before they happen knowing that you are or can be vulnerable especially in these early stages.

I am NEVER interested in females who don't show interest too or lose interest.

Me neither, and you shouldn't be. Feelings should be mutual and equal.

I am way more social and there are no awkward moments anymore.

Glad your social ability is progressing! Don't worry about awkward moments because it shouldn't matter what other people think. Be yourself and nothing will be awkward for you because it will just be your natural personality shining through!

Keep it up!

 

[LTE]

Good advice.

 

[Chris Jay]

10 days congrats!

 

[no94]

Thanks.

Today I woke up with massive urges and they persisted for the next few hours. Then I found out that I had little red bumps on my dick and I freaked out. The internet tells me that there is no danger, and they were gone a few hours later. I got a little shock and at least the urges vanished. Maybe I got them from dry humping my bed in the morning idk.
In the afternoon I went to the gym. It took no effort at all to get up and go there. I just did it.

 

[no94]

Argh fuck this shit. I've been struggling with this for almost a year now. Not even the drive to have sex with a real girl couldnt keep me from relapsing. I dont even know why I did it, the urge wasnt even that strong. Fuck I feel like shit I was finally starting out with a decent streak

 

[no94]

Ok, time to make some things clear and set some goals: (I'll move this to the original post later)

- Leas procrastination
- less internet. If I wouldn't be at the internet for so long I wouldn't have relapsed.
- meditation, stretching

 

[rainforth13]

Don't get down on yourself for relapsing. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes it's one step back and two steps forward, especially when we first start things. I mean how long have you been struggling with this? It's never easy to break something that's been going on for a long time. Getting mad at yourself doesn't do anything but beat yourself up. Realize it's not what you want and learn from it. Continue to move forward and try new things (like you setting goals). Don't prove Einstein's theory of insanity to be true because we already know it is. You can't expect different results if you keep doing the same thing. Urges and temptations are going to happen but prepare yourself for those times. It's easier said than done but you will surely fail with no plan. Working out is a great thing to do so keep that going! Continue to fill your time with productive things, you have to replace the urge. You can't just do away with it and not fill it with something new.

One day at a time! You got this.

 

[fugu]

Don't get too down on yourself for relapses. Try and learn from them, and know why you relapsed. I've been porn free for almost 1.5 years, but I had a rough start to rebooting. I couldn't seem to stop relapsing the first three months I discovered my addiction and my erectile dysfunction. Don't give up after the relapses!

 

[Alex]

I relapsed today man, In my mind I knew that I didn't wanted but i didn't interrupted the autopilot mode so it was my fault and I have to learn from it. I will not beat my self up because there is no point in doing that, of course I feel like shit but beating my self up it's not going to help me. We have to think positive last month i was pmo once every two day now I did it once in 17 days, so im sure you also will find something positive. Now it's time to learn from this mistake and create a better plan. Im in the same boat as you I have ED i couldnt have sex, My grades at school are very bad because I cant focus, My motivation is very low and also my will. But im still here and im not going to fucking quit, it's not over until I WIN. Stay strong my friend you are not alone!

 

[no94]

Thanks for the support guys. It actually helps me a lot.

I found a method yesterday that made me resist a seemingly inevitable PMO relapse, but this probably only works for me. I was about to type in a porn site, but then I took my phone and had a look at the girl I had this ED experience with. I immediately thought, "do you really want to do this?" and all of my urges vanished. I think that this might not be an optimal method but I was really close to relapsing again.