thelonebassman
Member
Hey everyone,
I find myself on here, after midnight, trying to get my act together. I'm 23, and I've quit porn on and off for the past few years, only to come back to it for whatever reason. It's been a struggle, and given the privacy of porn use, I've always had problems opening up to anyone about it (only my brother, and a couple exes to whom I'm still close know I have a problem, and even they don't realize how bad) Now, I am putting my foot down and stopping this for good. I hope I've found something here that I can use as an outlet to keep myself engaged and stop myself from slipping. Anyway, here's my story.
The first time I watched porn, or at least saw nude pictures, I was probably 10, trying to figure out why I was getting boners. My mom told me not to go to 'bad websites', but I honestly had no interest in doing so until she told me not to. I wanted to see what was so bad. But I liked what I saw (naked women! WHOA!), and continued looking at it. I remember some days, even school nights, staying up until 1am or 2am browsing. This continued on and off, until I found video clips, and then discovered that KaZaA, which I had used to download music and games, could also download porn. Somehow, this all went largely unnoticed until I was in 7th grade. At that point, I had been using an old laptop and had downloaded a ton of porn to its hard drive. One day, my dad decided to borrow it to install a special cell phone wireless card (in the days before 3g), and stumbled upon my porn cache. That night, he came up to my room and we had a talk. He told me that it's all fake, all acting, and that real sex is not anything like that. He didn't tell my mom because he didn't want to freak her out. He told me not to do it anymore, especially because of the legal ramifications. Unfortunately, I didn't listen.
Flash forward to high school (all guys school, makes meeting girls hard). While most kids my age were out meeting girls and dating, I mostly stuck at home and power gamed for hours (not an addiction there, just was really bored, and honestly don't have time for gaming anymore with a full time job). With the rise of torrents, I was downloading all sorts of videos, and in HD quality. Things got way more realistic. I would sit in my room and watch for hours episodes of a certain website involving a ?porn studio on wheels? (I gotta admit, the guys were hilarious and the lead up to the sex actually seemed to turn me on more than the sex. Too bad it was all fake, and even worse that I didn't realize it until I was in high school). I began to develop an unrealistic view of sex, and of how people get together, that stayed with me until college.
I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18, and as college started, began to learn to interact with girls. Had a few makeouts from 18-20, and a couple of opportunities to lose my virginity, but I abstained since I wasn't dating any of those girls at the time. I still was watching porn throughout this period, albeit much less frequently and seriously because I had a roommate.
I began dating my first girlfriend the end of my sophomore year, but the way we started is where my problems really became evident. We met during one of the biggest party weekends of the year, hook up, go back to her place, and try to have sex. Since I was a virgin, I'm freaking out and very nervous, so the anxiety prevents any kind of erection, even with help from a blowjob. It ended with her in tears, thinking there was something wrong with her (we were both a little drunk). Somehow, we kept seeing each other, and kept attempting to have sex, but I could not get it up without some serious stimulation. We ended up dating somehow, and finally, about 2 months in, after "I love you"s were said, everything suddenly started to work. I could get hard for the first time with her without physical stimulation, and everything worked out. I was not watching porn much at this stage, as I was trying to focus more on my girlfriend, so I instead fantasized about her. I think I had reached a level of comfort with her where the anxiety went away, and my erection was more based on intimate feelings than physical attraction.
We dated for one and a half years, during which I did quit porn flat out for a solid 3 or 4 months. I used a web filter for a while, but realized that it was a crutch, and that I could get around it whenever I wanted. I slipped a couple of times, mainly when we had especially bad fights, but generally bounced back. It wasn't until she suggested we try watching together that things started to get worse. It was a weird experience for me, but it caused me to want to revisit it on my own, and this in turn, started to affect my erections. This occurred towards the end of our relationship, but was not the reason we broke up (long story there...). We are still friends today, but it took a while to get there.
I had a few hookups here and there, but could never get it up outside of manually stimulated semi-hard boners. I always assumed it was because I had been drinking. I really fell back into porn after that, and it didn't help that the next girl I dated was a virgin. That was a bad, rebound relationship, during which I used porn frequently. Coming out of that, I began dating another girl who had been a close friend for a few years, and was one of the few who knew about my porn addiction. When we finally did have sex, I was using a condom (she insisted), which I hadn't really done before because I was so desensitized. The first couple of times, it wasn't working very well. I learned to relax, though, and as I became more comfortable with her and realized my feelings for her, things started to work. We didn't date too long, and had a very rough long distance breakup (though we're now rebuilding our friendship... even after she dumped me in the middle if an amusement park...after I had flown in to visit her...). Really hit the porn after that one.
I have since been with a few other girls, but have been unable to get a psychological erection, just physical one, but usually not enough to penetrate. These problems have lead to anxiety, embarrassment, and self-fulfilling prophecies of erection doom. I since have hooked up with my two exes again, and although it was a little difficult at first, I was still able to get a regular erection with them, so I'm guessing that the familiarity and residual feelings helped contribute to that, but otherwise, it feels like I have a very small physical sex drive, outside of wanting to watch porn. I do sometimes very much want to be with a girl, but when I do, I just can't get it up.
I attempted a reboot about four weeks, ago, but slipped about two weeks in. I need to get myself back to whatever 'normal' is, as I can't keep embarrassing myself with any girl I'm interested in, as I don't necessarily expect us to trade ?I love you?s before we start having sex. I hope that by posting here and interacting with others like me, I'll be able to stay on top of it this time. Here are my goals:
1. Quit Porn for good. No internet porn, magazines, hardcore, softcore, SI Swimsuit, etc.
2. Stop masturbating for a while (1-3 months? Harder than it sounds), if not for good
3. Try to finally get in shape (I had been working on this on and off, but now I'm finally getting somewhere)
4. Start reading again
5. Lay off the pixels (outside of work, stop using computer/TV/Games so much)
6. Finally write my funk album (bass player here, we never get the girls)
7. Update this page daily if possible about how things are going.
If you have any suggestions, or encouragement, please comment.
Thanks for reading,
thelonebassman
P.S. Sorry for the novel, but it was a lot for me to get out there and try to figure myself out.
I find myself on here, after midnight, trying to get my act together. I'm 23, and I've quit porn on and off for the past few years, only to come back to it for whatever reason. It's been a struggle, and given the privacy of porn use, I've always had problems opening up to anyone about it (only my brother, and a couple exes to whom I'm still close know I have a problem, and even they don't realize how bad) Now, I am putting my foot down and stopping this for good. I hope I've found something here that I can use as an outlet to keep myself engaged and stop myself from slipping. Anyway, here's my story.
The first time I watched porn, or at least saw nude pictures, I was probably 10, trying to figure out why I was getting boners. My mom told me not to go to 'bad websites', but I honestly had no interest in doing so until she told me not to. I wanted to see what was so bad. But I liked what I saw (naked women! WHOA!), and continued looking at it. I remember some days, even school nights, staying up until 1am or 2am browsing. This continued on and off, until I found video clips, and then discovered that KaZaA, which I had used to download music and games, could also download porn. Somehow, this all went largely unnoticed until I was in 7th grade. At that point, I had been using an old laptop and had downloaded a ton of porn to its hard drive. One day, my dad decided to borrow it to install a special cell phone wireless card (in the days before 3g), and stumbled upon my porn cache. That night, he came up to my room and we had a talk. He told me that it's all fake, all acting, and that real sex is not anything like that. He didn't tell my mom because he didn't want to freak her out. He told me not to do it anymore, especially because of the legal ramifications. Unfortunately, I didn't listen.
Flash forward to high school (all guys school, makes meeting girls hard). While most kids my age were out meeting girls and dating, I mostly stuck at home and power gamed for hours (not an addiction there, just was really bored, and honestly don't have time for gaming anymore with a full time job). With the rise of torrents, I was downloading all sorts of videos, and in HD quality. Things got way more realistic. I would sit in my room and watch for hours episodes of a certain website involving a ?porn studio on wheels? (I gotta admit, the guys were hilarious and the lead up to the sex actually seemed to turn me on more than the sex. Too bad it was all fake, and even worse that I didn't realize it until I was in high school). I began to develop an unrealistic view of sex, and of how people get together, that stayed with me until college.
I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18, and as college started, began to learn to interact with girls. Had a few makeouts from 18-20, and a couple of opportunities to lose my virginity, but I abstained since I wasn't dating any of those girls at the time. I still was watching porn throughout this period, albeit much less frequently and seriously because I had a roommate.
I began dating my first girlfriend the end of my sophomore year, but the way we started is where my problems really became evident. We met during one of the biggest party weekends of the year, hook up, go back to her place, and try to have sex. Since I was a virgin, I'm freaking out and very nervous, so the anxiety prevents any kind of erection, even with help from a blowjob. It ended with her in tears, thinking there was something wrong with her (we were both a little drunk). Somehow, we kept seeing each other, and kept attempting to have sex, but I could not get it up without some serious stimulation. We ended up dating somehow, and finally, about 2 months in, after "I love you"s were said, everything suddenly started to work. I could get hard for the first time with her without physical stimulation, and everything worked out. I was not watching porn much at this stage, as I was trying to focus more on my girlfriend, so I instead fantasized about her. I think I had reached a level of comfort with her where the anxiety went away, and my erection was more based on intimate feelings than physical attraction.
We dated for one and a half years, during which I did quit porn flat out for a solid 3 or 4 months. I used a web filter for a while, but realized that it was a crutch, and that I could get around it whenever I wanted. I slipped a couple of times, mainly when we had especially bad fights, but generally bounced back. It wasn't until she suggested we try watching together that things started to get worse. It was a weird experience for me, but it caused me to want to revisit it on my own, and this in turn, started to affect my erections. This occurred towards the end of our relationship, but was not the reason we broke up (long story there...). We are still friends today, but it took a while to get there.
I had a few hookups here and there, but could never get it up outside of manually stimulated semi-hard boners. I always assumed it was because I had been drinking. I really fell back into porn after that, and it didn't help that the next girl I dated was a virgin. That was a bad, rebound relationship, during which I used porn frequently. Coming out of that, I began dating another girl who had been a close friend for a few years, and was one of the few who knew about my porn addiction. When we finally did have sex, I was using a condom (she insisted), which I hadn't really done before because I was so desensitized. The first couple of times, it wasn't working very well. I learned to relax, though, and as I became more comfortable with her and realized my feelings for her, things started to work. We didn't date too long, and had a very rough long distance breakup (though we're now rebuilding our friendship... even after she dumped me in the middle if an amusement park...after I had flown in to visit her...). Really hit the porn after that one.
I have since been with a few other girls, but have been unable to get a psychological erection, just physical one, but usually not enough to penetrate. These problems have lead to anxiety, embarrassment, and self-fulfilling prophecies of erection doom. I since have hooked up with my two exes again, and although it was a little difficult at first, I was still able to get a regular erection with them, so I'm guessing that the familiarity and residual feelings helped contribute to that, but otherwise, it feels like I have a very small physical sex drive, outside of wanting to watch porn. I do sometimes very much want to be with a girl, but when I do, I just can't get it up.
I attempted a reboot about four weeks, ago, but slipped about two weeks in. I need to get myself back to whatever 'normal' is, as I can't keep embarrassing myself with any girl I'm interested in, as I don't necessarily expect us to trade ?I love you?s before we start having sex. I hope that by posting here and interacting with others like me, I'll be able to stay on top of it this time. Here are my goals:
1. Quit Porn for good. No internet porn, magazines, hardcore, softcore, SI Swimsuit, etc.
2. Stop masturbating for a while (1-3 months? Harder than it sounds), if not for good
3. Try to finally get in shape (I had been working on this on and off, but now I'm finally getting somewhere)
4. Start reading again
5. Lay off the pixels (outside of work, stop using computer/TV/Games so much)
6. Finally write my funk album (bass player here, we never get the girls)
7. Update this page daily if possible about how things are going.
If you have any suggestions, or encouragement, please comment.
Thanks for reading,
thelonebassman
P.S. Sorry for the novel, but it was a lot for me to get out there and try to figure myself out.
