Hi friends
I'm a 23 yr old male, struggling to get rid of the devil inside me like everybody else here is..
I won't waste any of yours time and come to the real point.
I admit I'm addicted to porn since at least 8-10 yrs now, and eventually I had masturbated almost every time I watched it.
In between I have made attempts to control the urges for longer periods but things didn't went on my side more than a few days.
Since all these years, masturbation and porn habits had of course affected me in a destructive way , but not as much as they are destroying me now.
I am born in a family where there is not much of love between family members. Spent my childhood watching my father abusing and beating my mother, I had spent my school life in depression.
Inevitably and without knowing, my depression had grown deeper and porn was an escape.
After so many years now, I had visited a psychiatrist recently who diagnosed e with OCD. I was given SSRIs and other anti-depressants.
The medicines worked for many days till they caused excessive sleepiness and broken concentration. I couldn't bear these medicines anymore and it's been more than a year that I've stopped taking them.
Now i am pursuing a professional course in which several hours of study is required everyday. So you could make out that I have to stay at home for most of the day.
Now,
It's my 8th day without masturbation (but i've been watching porn).
The main reasons why i'm writing this is because i'm witnessing the following things in my body which i've never had felt before with such intensity:
-Lack, a total lack of focus. Total brain fog, not able to study at all
-Confused all the time
-No energy during the day
-Symptoms of chronic fatigue
-Sleepy all the time
-Anxiety, Social phobia
-Guilty after every conversation with anyone
-Depressed
-Fear
-Erection problem
If i masturbate even once now, my brain goes total haywire the next day and i feel brainwashed. I had masturbated few times in these 8 days, buy didn't ejaculate even once......Is it alright...?
I've made a target of not ejaculating at least until my exams get over.
I'm was a highly spiritual guy, and still am, and was once respected for my strong belief in God and convincing people that God exists.
I am creative, and have learned to play the Guitar with only a few days of guidance, and can play many difficult songs ever known.
But now, I feel guilty for even going at the same holy congregations where i used to go happily. I feel I've lost my creativity in guitar as I keep on playing the same old songs for months and months. Moving on in life has started scaring me.
I now think devilish all the day, imagining nude women (mostly elder to me) and all other filth which is totally against God.
I feel afraid that I am being watched and will not be forgiven for my sins.
I had girlfriends with whom I had mostly shared physical relation without any love.. My relationships didn't last for even a year.
My previous girlfriends were not happy with my excessive hunger for intimate actions. Now, even porn itself doesn't satisfy me.
My professional exams are a couple of months away, and my current daily productivity has started scaring me.
Please guide me and help me, God will help you. After all, God himself doesn't come to help, but shows the way through someone else..
I'm a 23 yr old male, struggling to get rid of the devil inside me like everybody else here is..
I won't waste any of yours time and come to the real point.
I admit I'm addicted to porn since at least 8-10 yrs now, and eventually I had masturbated almost every time I watched it.
In between I have made attempts to control the urges for longer periods but things didn't went on my side more than a few days.
Since all these years, masturbation and porn habits had of course affected me in a destructive way , but not as much as they are destroying me now.
I am born in a family where there is not much of love between family members. Spent my childhood watching my father abusing and beating my mother, I had spent my school life in depression.
Inevitably and without knowing, my depression had grown deeper and porn was an escape.
After so many years now, I had visited a psychiatrist recently who diagnosed e with OCD. I was given SSRIs and other anti-depressants.
The medicines worked for many days till they caused excessive sleepiness and broken concentration. I couldn't bear these medicines anymore and it's been more than a year that I've stopped taking them.
Now i am pursuing a professional course in which several hours of study is required everyday. So you could make out that I have to stay at home for most of the day.
Now,
It's my 8th day without masturbation (but i've been watching porn).
The main reasons why i'm writing this is because i'm witnessing the following things in my body which i've never had felt before with such intensity:
-Lack, a total lack of focus. Total brain fog, not able to study at all
-Confused all the time
-No energy during the day
-Symptoms of chronic fatigue
-Sleepy all the time
-Anxiety, Social phobia
-Guilty after every conversation with anyone
-Depressed
-Fear
-Erection problem
If i masturbate even once now, my brain goes total haywire the next day and i feel brainwashed. I had masturbated few times in these 8 days, buy didn't ejaculate even once......Is it alright...?
I've made a target of not ejaculating at least until my exams get over.
I'm was a highly spiritual guy, and still am, and was once respected for my strong belief in God and convincing people that God exists.
I am creative, and have learned to play the Guitar with only a few days of guidance, and can play many difficult songs ever known.
But now, I feel guilty for even going at the same holy congregations where i used to go happily. I feel I've lost my creativity in guitar as I keep on playing the same old songs for months and months. Moving on in life has started scaring me.
I now think devilish all the day, imagining nude women (mostly elder to me) and all other filth which is totally against God.
I feel afraid that I am being watched and will not be forgiven for my sins.
I had girlfriends with whom I had mostly shared physical relation without any love.. My relationships didn't last for even a year.
My previous girlfriends were not happy with my excessive hunger for intimate actions. Now, even porn itself doesn't satisfy me.
My professional exams are a couple of months away, and my current daily productivity has started scaring me.
Please guide me and help me, God will help you. After all, God himself doesn't come to help, but shows the way through someone else..