It's time to reboot.

C

CB

Active Member
Hi! I'm new on here.

I'm 32years old, and have been watching porn since I was maybe 16. I haven't watched porn for maybe 2-3 weeks right now (longest duration ever since I began watching), and withdrawal is really starting to kick in. Got the Flatline thing going on as well.. It feels really like ''am I going to be able to get hard again ever?'' right now.
One thing that's really killing me inside is that since like 3 weeks ago I started to date a girl that I really like, we have so many thing in common and I really don't want this to get in the way.. I don't want to let her down. As little as I want to let myself down with relapsing.. I'm doing this most part for me, but also for the one in the future I'd hope to share my life with.
I've had ED the 2 times we've had sex, and she's understanding and says ''it's not a big deal'', and I've had my time pleasuring her instead than focusing on me though, but if this is going to keep on like this I know she's not going to stick around.. That's what I fear. I know she likes me and I really like her, and I want to focus of course on all the other aspects of a relationship to another person like having fun and cuddling and doing stuff togheter, I've begun to fear sex a little because I get anxious about getting a hard on while we make out before the pants go off and then get soft.
She knows it's all psychological with me, because she said it, but I can't tell her right off the bat that I've ben PMO for many years and I'm quitting.

Think I'm just feeling a little depressed right now due to withdrawal, I try to go excersise as much as possible because it makes me feel better. And this time it's for real, I really want to quit this now, because I'm tired of feeling bad about myself PMO.
Thanks for this great site, where we all can get advise and pull through this togheter.

Stay strong!
 
C

CB

Active Member
Not entirely sure what you mean by that...

Last night was rough, I felt this anxiety tightness in my chest when I was lying in bed. All I had in my head was, what if I just MO to end this torture. But thought just right after, that it will get better. Not right now, I'm only on my 3rd week without porn. I did MO last sunday. And I know right now that I'm not going to do that either because it makes it all worse. I hope someday soon I will feel the great feeling of "I did it". But not now, feeling quite low.. And thoughts like "what if I'll never get an "normal" erection again? Or "What if I'm one of those who can't get it back because all the damage of porn"

One thing I know is that I'll do whatever it takes to get a healthy sex life back. And not have any ED.. I'll do this for me and of course for love. To fill myself with emotions, and to not back down. That's life! I've ran from it for 15 years..
 
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that1beachguy

Active Member
I feel your pain man. Keep your chin up. I'm 32 also, and I started seeing this girl like 3 days before I found this site.... It was brutal for the first few weeks but after you get life back in your dick it's totally worth it. I MOd once 18 days in and won't do it again... If you have a girl you are at a serious advantage... But for me my benefits didn't kick in until around days 35-45. I told my girl about my porn problem just generally without details, just said I was desensitized to real sex because of overstimulation to porn and I'm trying to fix myself... I preferred telling her it was in my brain rather than her thinking she was unattractive or there was something wrong with me physiologically. Your choice but telling her was the best thing ever, no pressure to perform not much anxiety, you'd be rewiring rather than rebooting. Which for me has worked well, especially recently. Check out my journal if you want to know what kind of obstacles lay ahead... Since we are the same age and started porn around the same time, we should be on a similar trajectory... Good luck, stay strong
 
C

CB

Active Member
Thanks a lot for the reply man! I read your journal, feels good to see you've made some huge steps forward towards a healthier sex life, and not let this dopamine addiction control you that much anymore!
Great that the girl you met understand your struggle and chose to stick with you. I see that being truly honest is the way to go. Eventhough I'm afraid how she'll react. I don't want to lose her, she's a great person. And we have so much in common, I've never met a girl like her before! I just want this desensization to go away. Because I know that's what is the problem, and anxiety as well.. It's like my little mr is totally out of air by now.. had slight morning wood the other day though.
I know I'll have to rewire my brain, because the feeling of MO is totally different to real life sex. Hard to see that I've imoroved by now this early.
I think you're right with telling your girl about your problem is going to relieve a lot of stress and anxiety and that it helps.
You had the same problem with getting a 75% erection during foreplay and when you're going to get inside her it just goes soft?
 
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that1beachguy

Active Member
Yeah... Until recently I couldn't feel anything. For years I preferred bjs to real sex because I had ruined myself with pmo and deathgrip...bjs were all I could feel anymore...
But real sex is way better... I can't even tell you how often I'd get kinda hard, enter, then go soft ... Even fall out, embarrassing... During the first part of my reboot my dick felt like a useless piece of skin, like an oversized skintab that was numb with no nerves. But that will pass... In fact I've found the less you touch it the better, I broke and MOd 18 days into my reboot, a small setback but at least I didn't use P, or subs... But my theory after that was just let the girls do the touching, then like pavlovs dog your dick will learn to respond to THAT stimulus instead of your own hand or porn.
 
C

CB

Active Member
Yeah I see, I had that too but with just doing doggie style with an ex girlfriend.

That's the way to go! Smart thinking, letting the girls doing it instead, and get used to it. It's all about the rewiring part now!
Yesterday I was out drinking with some work colleagues, and whenever I saw a girl my brain would go, "I know what I'm going to go home an MO to"
I realise that's just my head trying to lure me into feeding it a dopamin kick.
This morning though while hung over I got a 100% erection. Feels good to see it coming to life again!
I think one of my problems is my OCD making me doubt wheter I think the girl I'm seeing is attractive enough or sexy. I know that's just my ocd, it always goes for the opposite for what I want. "Do I love her or not?" Type of thoughts with girlfriends I've had before.
And I think OCD is a problem in bed too, making me to freak out and panic over ED and PIED. I'm just going to let those thoughts be there and not give them any attention. Because it will only make it worse. Hard work, but eventually little by little I will react less to them over time.

I feel really happy that I haven't used porn for 3 weeks. ( I haven't used or PMO in since last sunday when I MO'd though, my counter didn't want to start with 4 days. But it's okay, 90 days is the goal.)
This morning since I had an erection my mind is going "c'mon lets MO" I don't want to. But it feels hard for sure! I don't want to relapse, it's easy.. As most of us know, from PMO'd daily for years.
Keep going! Glad to see you've made such success!
 
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that1beachguy

Active Member
Yeah, once you gain confidence back from beating you PIED you'll find the OCD stuff will subside. Lots of those thoughts are present to supplement the ego into saying that the problem is with someone else and not the porn or the brain, I used to do the same thing with ex girlfriends, a response that I realize only now , was unfair
 
C

CB

Active Member
Yeah I'm with you on that it's very unfair to the other person. I guess my brain is in some doubting fase right now. Wheter I like her or not, or if I really find her attractive and stuff. Just freaking out a little, getting anxiety thinking about sex.. and the ED. I will have to tell her about my issues when we meet again after this weekend.

I see everything goes hand in hand. The PIED and the desenzitation and everything. And with the OCD it's not getting easier.
It's probably the withdrawal depression setting in, I've felt quite low the last couple of days.
Yesterday I MO'ed and it felt really bad just afterwards, because I get myself get into my old fantasizing patterns. I little setback, but I'm glad I haven't watched porn for almost 3-4weeks. My head is giving me these flashbacks of different scenes and pornstars to try make me relapse. Not going to give in, just thinking about getting out on the other side. And get a healthier from this addiction.
Pretty rough day, I got the flu and home sick. When I was supposed to go to the Foo Fighters show. I've never missed a show with them here in Sweden.
But there's bigger problems than missing a live concert.
Have anyone noticed that while playing video games you get excited? Or does that got to do with some sort of chain reaction, like me associating it with PMO? Because I used to sit by my computer gaming and then go watch porn and MO.
 
C

CB

Active Member
Today has been really hard, I started the morning with relapsing with MO. And it nearly got me to watch porn, I was looking at the google search bar and thought ''You can't do this, don't give in because you MO'd'' And I just hit the home button on my phone and went out for a walk. Great weather and it felt pretty good to just go outside and clear my head a while.
Really hard when I got all this time at home by myself (I'm home because I don't feel well, flu or something)

And Tomorrow the girl I've been meeting is coming back home from vacation, depending on how I feel I'll meet up with her, because we have been texting to keep in touch. But I feel really anxious about it, because of me having my ED when we have been in bed with each other. I know we don't have to have sex when we meet of course. It's like I'm in a bad loop right now, hanging myself up on just the sex and my erection problems. I know I should only take a step at a time but the anxiety is coming to me. I have been having the OCD thoughts about if I like her or not and think of her physical flaws (unwanted thoughts of course.) I know the only thing to make these thoughts go away is to just let them be and don't let them get to me.
I know I would have had these thoughts with whatever girl I'd meet. I like her and I feel like I'm a little stronger with her by my side. And I don't want to lose this.
But with the sex dysfunctions and everything lately I guess I just got scared. And the easiest way is just to back out again and fall back in to my old ways.. I'm going to tell her about my issues and I think it will feel better as that1beachguy has said. It will probably take away a portion of my anxiety and stress.
 
C

CB

Active Member
Okay, yesterday and today has been particularly difficult. My mind is going ''c'mon, just watch some P, just one time can't be that bad?'' or ''Just watch some pictures of some P''
It's surely is a difficult thing to just try to snap out of, now that I'm at home from work with a cold, and I have so much time for myself. But I know that this is a challenge I'm not going to lose this time, because I know it won't get any worse than this, I've been through withdrawal of cigarettes and swedish tobacco called snus before, I'm free from nicotine addiction now since 2 years.
I can see the same type of pattern how the brain will throw all these types of impulses on you like, pictures of P, some type of P-stars, bits of scenes I've seen. Exactly the same thing when I stopped using nicotine I got these impulses and urges and cravings. But this is much harder since it's available for you at all times of the day, in your phone and on the computer.

I get triggered by even going on to Facebook and Instagram and seeing pictures of women, I'm sure you all can relate to this. This site have made it so much easier though than before. 10 years ago I was visiting sites and forums like NoPorn and stuff, and told myself every single morning or evening after I had PMO that ''this will be the last time'' or ''tomorrow will be the last day'' I never was an member of the NoPorn site, and I couldn't make it on my own, many of us can't.. I always wanted to stop, and get my emotional life back, and feel love and have a healthy view of women.
It will take some time I see now, since I've used to PMO for 15 years some days it could be like 1 time, others there was 10. I'm sick and tired of it, and I always was.. I guess I just gave up, just told myself ''this is it'' to make me feel that I knew what was going on, and it wasn't right. PMO has been my excuse and my place to hide and don't get hurt I guess for all these years, because I was scared of getting hurt, or rejected. I've had 2 relationships in my life, neither of them was that long, about 1 year each, and I can see why it didn't work, because I was afraid to get left alone, I spent way to much time with them, and that's not how any relationship works. I've got a different view this time, and I have to live with the feeling of not being in control all the time. And live with the uncertainity, because that's just how life is. I went to see a Psychologist about my OCD and hypochondria and anxiety problems this past year, and it teached me many things, and I'm so grateful that I went there. But one thing I couldn't talk about, was my PMO addiction.. it was a great shame. I wish I had right now, because it would have helped a great deal to let it off my chest. But I didn't, and so I'm here right now. And as long as I can write here, it just makes it feel a little better each day. It makes it easier, yet difficult.

I'll go out for a walk today, so I don't just sit on my couch playing video games watching movies all day, I've found that I'm making a little progress in cooking food I have never been doing before, and taking time to do so. Before I'd watch P and all that time for cooking would have been gone.. Feels ghood, that so early into my reboot/rewiring I'm starting to see little glimpses of light. That I already are taking time to do other things.
I feel hopeful.
 
C

CB

Active Member
Had a relapse this morning and MO'd to pictures of some girls, not porn pictures but it surely was a substitute. Feels bad, but it's been really hard since I've been home sick with some cold symptoms.
The urges has been almost 80-90% of the day..
 
F

Fox walking

Member
I just weathered a storm of cravings, read over the reasons why I'm doing this and felt more anchored. Writing here to stay on the front foot. May you find a way to navigate through this rough patch.
 
C

CB

Active Member
Thanks Fox Walking, I managed to stop myself from looking on P and stopped M. It was tough but I made it, feel good about that.

Last night the girl I've met a couple times was over, and I felt a little anxious about how sex would be, but it worked out great! Both last night and this morning, maybe 75% erection but it felt great having sex with her. Didn't sleep that much though, so I'm really tired today, so was she, and she just left, and we'll keep in touch.
Feels like a big step for me in the right direction! Don't give up guys, whatever may come! Just relaxing and don't think about being 100% erect when having sex, it doesn't need to e perfect!

 
Igor Fighter

Igor Fighter

Member
    Hello, man!
I really sympathize with your pain and struggle, because I have similar situation. I'm 30 now. I live with the girl who I love, but I am on PMO addiction. I fight against it as hard as I can. Keep doing, keep striving!
 
C

CB

Active Member
Igor Fighter said:
    Hello, man!
I really sympathize with your pain and struggle, because I have similar situation. I'm 30 now. I live with the girl who I love, but I am on PMO addiction. I fight against it as hard as I can. Keep doing, keep striving!
Click to expand...


The first step is always knowing PMO is a problem for you, just take one day at a time, minute by minute! Do stuff to keep you away from PMO, it is really hard, because your mind is going to try to make you go watch some P and MO. I have impulses everyday to go watch P. It really is difficult with the flatlining as well. I feel happy I just can make love to the girl I like and pleasure her and not only me.
Keep strong!
 
Igor Fighter

Igor Fighter

Member
  Look, CB:
As I we are on the same period(I have 3rd week struggling against PMO) of refraining from PMO, we can support each other not allowing this shit  come into our lives again. In other words, we can be accountability partners.
By the way, as for your flatlining, I've thought that it would be interesting for you to read different cases (symptoms) concerning flatline : http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/0.WITHDRAWAL.pdf
  Stay stong!
 
C

CB

Active Member
I just had a relapse this morning, I gave in for the urges, doesn't feel good at all. Feels like I let everyone down and most of all myself! :(
I'm not going to let this get the better of me..
 
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