My Journey Begins...

[bobdunn]

I've enjoyed inappropriate sexual stimulation as far back as I can remember.  When i was 4 or 5 I had a very vivid recurring dream in which I became aroused.  I had absolutely no idea what was going on but I liked it!  Very quickly I started noticing other things that made me aroused and have now had about 35 years of practice finding material to arouse myself.  I come from a conservative, religious family, whose beliefs I share.  I've known since I was probably 8 or so that seeking arousal is wrong, but I've never managed to kick the habit. 

I will have been married for 17 years this September and I have four kids and a great wife.  I feel very blessed to have had such a "normal" life despite my addiction, but I'm becoming more and more aware of the pain I cause to those that I love.

I've worked with several different counselors, ecclesiastical leaders and support groups, but I've never felt like any of them really related to me or understood my addiction.  So often I felt like they were suggesting I could overcome my addiction if I just stopped.  I had one ecclesiastical leader who is a dear friend ask me if I like porn.  He was not trained to help people with addiction specifically, but was a spiritual counselor.  This question, though, infuriated me and made it clear to me that I needed help he couldn't give me.  My wife and I worked with a counselor who specializes in addiction, and I hoped to get a deeper understanding of my addiction from him, but too often I felt like he was saying the same old thing - just stop looking at porn.

Finding yourbrainonporn.com was eye-opening for me.  I've only watched one (very long) video, but what I've read and seen there has given me a lot more understanding and hope than all the counseling.  I'm thrilled to see an online journal for tracking my progress.  I was surprised at how difficult it was to search for something like this.  I'm a software engineer by trade, so I seriously considered creating one.  Hopefully this journal will make all my dreams come true.

I appreciate the community here and look forward to sharing successes with you all.

 

[J]

Welcome newBob. It seems that you have taken many steps before to overcome this and on the bonus you have support from family and friends. I encourage you to read the stories of others here. Well all share a tremendous desire to want to stop our addiction and to support each other in the process.

I say this with confidence: you are not alone. You will find that just as yourself there are many Christians here, myself included. I recommend Ite's journal as he is a committed christian that is a success story.

I have recently opened up about it after years of trying to kick this addiction myself. There are counselor's out there that will help but what it really comes down to is just finding the right person or group of people. I recently opened up to my sister and am in process of opening up to a friend that I hope will be an accountability partner. Someone that will ask those hard questions and keep you honest. I understand your frustration of not finding resources out there or even the real help you need. I have heard the "you just have to stop" speech from religious leaders. If it were that easy with alcohol and drugs then there wouldn't be all these support groups now.

God gave us a Spirit of love, discipline, self-control. But I have learned that God commands us to be proactive. He gives us the tools, but we have to decide to use them.

I will share a little of my own story. I started viewing porn recreationally. Then I started to PMO. Of course I liked it. When something feels good, you want more of it. But then I found myself falling into the rabbit hole. Your brain becomes addicted to the dopamine. The rush, the novelty it creates in the brain. At some point it just got tied into my life. It was the thing I turned to when I began to feel down, stressed, frustrated. Then the realization finally caught up with me. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it finally really hit me. The shame, specially having given off this view to others that I am not that "type" of person.

The point I want to make is that your brain has become rewired. Something that started really early on in your childhood. The one thing I realized for myself is that it became an escape. The reason you may not have been able to get over this is because porn may have become a symptom in your life of a bigger problem that has existed for a long time. I could very well be mistaken, but it also may be the case.

There are people here that started their reboot because of PIED. Others have gone through sexual abuse, a major trauma in their lives, and other circumstances that have led them to porn and it's continual use. One reason or another there is probably something in your life that has pushed you to continue using porn.

Just my recommendation. Read up on other people's stories. You are going to find pieces of you in every person. Continue to read YBOP, watch as many videos on it you can. They are eye openers. Start keeping your journal. This is very important because you will need the accountability. You need to keep a record so you can start to see patterns, triggers, and learn about them and ask questions. Even if you feel awkward just report it back here as this will help your progress.

A counter will help as you will be able to see your progress as well as notify everyone how you are doing. If you begin to feel a relapse, reach out. The reboot is so worth it. You will be gong through a journey of self discovery and start seeing things that you hadn't realize before. Just like most addictions there will be withdrawal symptoms. Don't be afraid of the pain. It's normal.

Congrats on coming here

I will send you some links that actually helped me. One is by former porn star Shelley Ludden and her amazing journey of self healing. What she said has really stuck to me, to the point that I felt disgusted to have partook in other people's suffering. I have not viewed P getting close to 60 days. The hardest part are the images that stay ingrained in the mind. But more on that later.

Welcome.

 

[J]

Check out journals by Jimmy James, jkkk, powerlift225, Leon and Ianmac's journals. They are all christians.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

Shelley Ludden - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xGdMi-oC9nM


Hope this all helps!

 

[bobdunn]

Thanks for the encouragement and the links, J!  I'll be sure to check them out.  Got my pmo-tracker set up.

 

[bobdunn]

So here I am 3 days in.  My wife and daughter got home from a week-long girls' camp yesterday and it's a huge relief to have them back.  My addiction has caused some serious problems with my marriage, so there's a lot of work to do with my wife to fix that. I'm anxious to get going, so having her home is very nice.

Before they left for camp, I had a pretty good streak of about a month with a relapse about in the middle.  I learned from that that the trick for me wasn't simply distancing myself fro porn, but being close to something else - in this case my wife. 

I've never made it to 90 days before, so I'm a little nervous about the withdrawal, but I feel a lot of hope and confidence about my ability to complete baby steps, and I believe that will get me to the 90 day goal.

 

[J]

One day at a time. Those first 20 days seem to be rough, but you can do it. Having your spouse as moral support is an amazing benefit. Have you shown her the material of YBOP? It would benefit you both to understand what your addiction is doing to your brain. That way she will be able to support you.

I don't know if you have heard of Shelley Hitz. She and her husband have a ministry directed towards helping people addicted to porn, both former porn addicts themselves. She mentioned the importance of having the support of her husband in taking action in helping each other through it. It's something you can pray about yes, but not something you can just pray away.

You can contact them and ask for CJ her husband here: http://www.bodyandsoulpublishing.com/contact/

Don't fear it. The whole point is to find out what is triggering it. If you do experience a relapse (it does happen) the whole point is to recall what happened that led you up to that point. As you read the journals here, reach out to other members and ask them what things are working for them, ask them about their own withdrawal. Ask and share. If there is someone where who inspires you then contact them. It has helped me reaching out to others here.

Continue to be proactive about your recovery, but also be patient with yourself. The worse things you can do is be hard on yourself. I have been, it never works. It leads to more frustration.

Keep walking forward.

 

[bobdunn]

My sweet wife has been supportive for 17 years, and I'm afraid she's not fully available any more.  She's feeling like her attempts to be supportive have been enabling me, and that realization seems to have thrown her whole understanding of who she is into the air.  It's turning out to be quite a challenge to our marriage, but we're both committed to making it work.  At the moment, she has no desire whatsoever to be around me, let alone be with me.  These circumstances make me wonder if I should be trying this right now, as opposed to working on my marriage, but I know that working on this will ultimately do a lot for my marriage.  My addiction speaks very convincingly sometimes.

She has started reading the S.Anon 12-step book and will be attending the group starting this week.  I'm hopeful that this will help her.  We will also be visiting a therapist soon to hopefully help her figure out how to find herself and to help us as a couple.

Throughout my marriage one of the excuses I've used not to work on my addiction has been that I want to do it for the right reason, not because my wife wants me to do it.  I believe that to be successful, I have to want it - it isn't enough for my wife or another loved one to want it.  This is also an easy way to justify relapses - "I'm not doing this because I want to - I'm doing it for someone else, so it's not real anyway" is what my addiction tells me.  That voice has been loud as I work on it this time as well.  Never before have I feared so much for my marriage.  Assuming I make it through the reboot and kick the addiction, when my marriage is in better shape, I fear that I'll relapse because my motive isn't simply that I want to be done.

I suppose/hope that once I get through the fog or whatever it is, I may be able to think more clearly and objectively about this.  It seems like the common factor in the (few) accounts that I've read is that the person makes the very deliberate decision that they simply cannot look at porn any more.  I'm not sure if I've made that decision.  I know that I want to make that decision, but the fear I feel regarding my marriage makes me question the legitimacy of my current stance (which is that I'll complete the reboot, with the intent of never looking at porn again).

The other thing that I hear consistently is to take it one day at a time.  This I can do, regardless of any doubts about motivation.

Thanks for listening!

 

[bobdunn]

I went with my wife to a marriage counselor today.  He asked me what was wrong with porn, besides that people at church told me it was wrong.  It was very interesting.  I told him it was demeaning to women, and he asked about animated porn.  The conversation made me think a lot.  The addictive nature is demeaning to the consumer.  Losing power to choose weakens us.

I was hoping he'd have advice on what more I could do to save my marriage, but it seems like beyond dealing with my addiction, the ball is in my wife's court now.  She's not sure she wants to do the work to fix it.  This terrifies me.  What's the point of me without her?  We both know we were made for each other, and if I really believe that, then how do I build a meaningful me without the thing for which I was created?

In our appointment, we talked about how to build trust, and the therapist said that the key to trust is risk.  He asked me to talk about the feelings that I have about my addiction, and it was fairly intense - things like weakness, desperation, failure.  He asked me what I had done to build trust with her, and I told him I let her read this journal last night.  Then he asked me to turn to her and ask for her help.  I pretty much broke down at that point because she's helped me for 16 years, and has made it fairly clear that she's done helping.  So asking her for help (again) made me feel vulnerable and fairly foolish.  She has lost trust in me for various reasons, some of which are my fault, and has become apparently unwilling to take the risk to build trust.  I know this isn't entirely true, because she has been trying to talk to me about the things that bother her, even though it often is difficult, and I often don't respond appropriately.  So her actions say she's willing to try, but her words say she doesn't know.

As for my addiction, I'm still going strong on the reboot, but I feel completely empty.  My life/schedule seems like it's too busy for me to start doing anything fulfilling that isn't with my wife.  I feel like I've spent the past several months supporting her in her crazy busy schedule of responsibilities, and when I'm not doing that, I'm taking care of things at home so she can go see a movie alone or hang out with her friends who aren't me.

Of course there's some distortion in my view of things, but I feel that where my efforts to support my wife should be creating a fulfilling relationship, because she's simply done with me, I'm pouring a lot of time and effort into a black hole.    A certain part of this effort is necessary to maintain my marriage, which is my top priority.  But if that effort isn't building a meaningful relationship that is replacing PMO, perhaps I need to spend some of that effort on something that will replace it. 

I want desperately for that replacement to be my wife and family, as it seems it should be.  Given that I don't have power to choose for her, though, I'm not sure what to do.

I've made it this far into my reboot without her emotional support, and I can continue for some amount of time - perhaps  indefinitely.  I just don't know how to rebuild me without her.

 

[afb7]

Hi newBob. I'm not sure if this is relevant, so let me know what you think, but your journal has made me think of a few things I've struggled with in the past and present. Specifically, how our goals and the things we do to achieve them are connected to our families.

I had a therapist a while back talk to me about what you seem to be contemplating a lot: how much should we involve our families in our mental health recoveries. He said many people in their 30s and later start to make their family members the primary source of happiness for many reasons, like not finding satisfaction with job or friendships, and also make their family members the primary source of support. So stuff gets all tangled up like crazy, and what was once not a big deal, like asking for a hug, becomes a stressful pattern for the family members. It's too much pressure. The stakes are too high.

I screwed this up badly with my wife, and this forum is actually the first time I have used something outside of my relationship with my wife since I told her about this problem a few years ago as my primary support. She seems less stressed now and like she gets more enjoyment out of our relationship now than stress. By nature she's pretty good with stress, but when I started talking with her daily about my P problems, life got tough for her.

For the last 90 days or so I've been on this forum, and I can see her trust in me coming back, and her faith in me that I can do a lot of this without her help. I think it's a relief for her.

I just wanted to share my experience, because for me I think my therapist was right. Not everything he mentioned applied to me, but it's the best advice I think he ever gave me. It's not just about the PMO problem, but the rest of my life. I've really been able to move into a new direction over the last four years because of that advice. Thankfully after 3 or so years of searching for support outside of a therapist once a week and my wife, I've got this site! ;D

I hope things are alright in your world today!

 

[J]

Hey newbob.

Your words got me thinking about a lot. Something about your wife makes me think about my own mother and how she expresses herself about my dad and his alcoholism. My father became an alcoholic when I was 9. There was a major event in his life that triggered it, but if was something he never could quite recover from. I am not trying to compare in any way shape or form my mother with your wife, but I can get why an addiction would be taxing on her.

My mother has put up with my father for over 20 years. She insisted that my dad go to AA and offered to accompany him, but he always said no. He is not a man that expresses his concerns or problems. After so many years she is ready to move on. His alcoholism affected not only my mother, but my sister and I as well. It had a huge impact in our lives to the point that I left the house because I was tired of dealing with him. I had come to the point that I loathed my dad for what he put us through. He was never violent, but the emotional stress took a toll on our family. But the worse part is that it destroyed my parents marriage. They are still friends but beyond that nothing. I reconciled with my dad about 3 years ago, but it was my decision to do so. I also began to understand him better because of my addiction to porn. Once I decided this was something I wanted to end in my life, that was the point I realized that the only way my dad would ever give up his alcoholism was when he too decided he wanted to, and that there was nothing me or my family could do.

Newbob, you are right. It is something you have to want to do for yourself, not for anyone else. I get it, your wife not knowing what she feels, and her being tired. I hate to say this, but it was something I told my mother too, sometimes distance helps in the process. In a sense, it's like you both need to find yourselves again and it almost sounds like when you are together, although I am sure there is love, both of you see the hurt the addiction has caused. My heart goes out to you because at least you are making the effort and she has been supportive, but , and I hate to say this, it sounds like you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she might want more distance, which might be more of a benefit in the long run.

Maybe you have done this before. What do I know, I am not your shoes. But, as you have said, you do have to do this for yourself because you want to. It's a very touchy and hard subject. I don't know how helpful your therapist is being either, but if your reason is only because of your marriage, I know in my own recovery, doing it for others is not enough, it eventually falls apart. You are obviously aware of that. If you are doing it for you then you need to also know why you are doing it for you. I know that sounds weird but simply just saying I did this for myself wasn't enough. I dug deep to find out why I wanted to stop.

Maybe that's what you really need to ask yourself. If tomorrow, you were no longer married and had no family, what would be your reason to stop watching porn? What is it doing to you as a person? Perhaps there is something you are avoiding but whatever it is the only way out is by going through.

 

[phoenix0015]

Hello newbob,

Thanks for sharing your story. As mentioned by others please remember you are not alone andwe are all together in this.
As I can see you have many challenges to deal with. What I feel once you can get to the stage of " Porn is NOT and Option", you will realise you have so much mental space and energy to do other things. My personal experience is if you have a positive energy it has a rub off effect on others.
Once you have overcome your PMO addiction which you will and share that with your wife I think it can help you start a new chapter.
As I understand she has been helping you for last 16 years and she also has problems of her own.
But good thing is both of you have decided to work on it together. Just deal with PMO one day at a time. May be focusing your energy on your kids  might help. They are so full of life and love you unconditionally. Find your happiness there.
Remember at the end of the day we are all actually dopamine addicts. Rewiring of brain has created a strong equation between Dopamine and PMO. All you are trying to do is to re balance dopamine levels and teach brain to get it from right activities. So trick to keep on doing other positive activities which will help you feel better.
E.g. I used to love being with friends and could spent countless hours with them. And used to feel great all that time. Now because of PMO I have become a loner. When I meet friends now,  I don't feel happiness of that level but still I am forcing myself to be as social as possible. Now after may be couple of hours, I start feeling better with my friends. So I hope continuing this will eventually remind me how much I enjoy this.

I think having such positive replacement activities is a key to success. merely abstinence will not help.

Best of Luck my friend. keep coming back.

 

[Igor Fighter]

Hi New Bob! First, you've made a significant step by realizing the problem and starting your journal. Second crucial point is to stay determined and never give in. As for me, I have been going on this type of fighting since June 5th. Wish you lots of patience and be strong!

 

[bobdunn]

Hey J - the timing of your suggestion of extra space is surprising.  Yesterday and today my wife has been talking a lot about that.  Yesterday it was presented as "either you talk to a therapist, go to a S.A. group or move out", and today it was presented simply as "maybe you should move out for a month".  She argues that we're each too big of a distraction for the other to get our stuff worked out, and that the separation will help us with that.

My concern is that for many months, she's been emotionally closer to another man than she has to me, by her own admission.  Plenty of resources would identify this as an emotional affair, but she refuses to see it as such.  According to the philosophy presented in "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, a way to fix our marriage is for us to make "deposits" in each others' "love banks".  As the story goes, affairs happen when someone else is making more/bigger deposits than the spouse.  If I leave, I won't be making any deposits, and I fear she'll be turning more and more to him.

So I found the timing of your suggestion surprising because I've not read or heard anything that would suggest that such a separation would be helpful.  On the contrary, I feel like what I've read indicates the opposite.  I'm trying to remain open minded, though, and your success story is very helpful.  Are you able to point me to other resources that would indicate the reasoning for such a strategy?

For the record, the idea terrifies me.  I recognize that I'm not thinking clearly, due to my years of addiction, though, and so I'm willing to entertain it.  My wife is not willing to consider that her judgement might also be clouded because of her situation with this other man.

Thanks, all, for your continued support!
newBob

 

[J]

So I found the timing of your suggestion surprising because I've not read or heard anything that would suggest that such a separation would be helpful.  On the contrary, I feel like what I've read indicates the opposite.  I'm trying to remain open minded, though, and your success story is very helpful.  Are you able to point me to other resources that would indicate the reasoning for such a strategy?

Hi newbob. This is an unfortunate situation, but I still see hope. Here is my humble opinion:

Sometimes when women say things like that we say it to get your attention. As in, "this is what I need from you". It's like her plea, for what she wants in your relationship. 

But I wonder, the mention of your wife being emotionally closer to another man, did she flat out tell you during one of your therapy sessions, or an argument? It is not clear under what circumstance she admitted that. And in what context are we talking about emotionally closer? Someone she confides in and talks to about her feelings or someone she is having a relationship beyond friendship? If you can be more specific that would help.

It comes across to me as if she has gotten to a point that she is tired of the situation and just wants a break. A break from each other is not a bad thing as it forces one to really evaluate oneself and the other.

I have to be candid, it could make things worse not to give each other space. If she has gotten to that point where she feels that way, then she needs time to think. Again, that is not a bad thing. You agreeing is a sign that you are willing to do whatever it takes to restore the relationship, but she needs to hear you say that as well.  "I am terrified of this idea because I love you and I don't want to lose you, but if this will help 'us' I am willing to do whatever it takes".

I wish there was a resource I could recommend for your particular situation. There was a book I read awhile back called Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs that opened a whole new world of understanding regarding how men and women react differently to the same situation. It has helped me in my own relationships and also helped me understand what went wrong with my own parents.

I am going off the assumption that there is still much love between the two of you and that she just feels as overwhelmed.

 

[bobdunn]

Well, she told me that she isn't in love with me, and that she is in love with him.  This is not something that was said in anger or to get a reaction.  She's very matter-of-fact about it and treats the fact as if it were completely justified and all my fault.

She asked me point blank to move out tonight.  I offered to go on the condition that she not communicate with this man and she wouldn't even consider it.  I completely agree with her that it could do us both a ton of good, but with her exhibiting all the signs of addiction to this emotional affair, I feel that the risk is too great.  Given that affairs act like addictions, I understand well the tricks that brains play, and it's hard for me to imagine this not being a trick of her addicted brain.

As for me, I'm dealing with quite a lot of stress right now, but I'm keeping on keeping on.  I played the piano tonight for about an hour and felt a peace and relief I haven't felt since I started this reboot.  It was superb timing because the next thing that happened is my wife tried to kick me out.

Anyway, thanks again for your support!

 

[J]

Hi Newbob, I am very sorry about your situation with your wife. I understand that it's hard on both of you and can sympathize with both.

I think it's fair to say that she really wants that distance. If you don't leave, she may take it upon herself to leave. If the two of you being together is creating more friction then it is inevitable and the best thing you can do is grant her request so that she can work things out on her own. You don't want her to come to resent you either.

If there is nothing you can do to change her mind then you are going to have to let it be. I hate the idea as much as you do, but the truth is you need to face your fear. And in all honesty this is about both of you recovering yourselves. She is experiencing as much pain as you are and I don't say that lightly.

Right now, you need to take care of you. I didn't understand at first when the members here would tell me to focus on my recovery, but as time went by, I realized that my state of mind was equally as harmful to others as myself, and if I didn't focus of taking care of myself that could lead to worse. You have had your wife's support for many years, but she nor anyone else can walk that journey of change for you.  I know you may be thinking, "I know this already". But knowing is not the same thing as doing. If you want a shot at saving your marriage, take care of yourself first, but don't do it to save your marriage, do it to save yourself.

You gotta love yourself first before you can fully give your heart and attention to any relationship. This is what PMO takes away from us, the love we feel for others but especially how we feel about ourselves. When we watch porn, guess what? We are committing to a relationship with it and in the long run we end up destroying the relationships that are fostered by love.

There is no love in porn, period.

Don't feel discouraged. I know you have a lot to process in your life, so please don't let yourself become distracted. Do what you need to do to continue recovering. If that means leaving, then do it. Continue your therapy, even if it is without your wife. I know it all seems counterintuitive, but you need to continue your walk forward.

Sorry if this has come off a bit harsh.