Self Esteem ? How Do You Get It, Keep It and Never Lose It?

[SO Reboot Partner]

I never thought about self-esteem when I had it. It is one of those magical things, probably like a unicorn, only glimpsed in the tangential afterthought. When one really needs it to hang on to, it is gone.

Boy did I miss my self-esteem when it left.

For all of us struggling with rebooting, partners and significant others alike, self-esteem is critical to the journey.
Like our bodies need certain minerals, we need self-esteem to boost our mental health. PMO, from any perspective, drains self-esteem to unstable levels, replacing it with shame, fear, disconnection, loathing and feelings of worthlessness.

I don?t have all the answers about self-esteem. For me it is how I feel about myself, how much importance and value I place on my own being. The more self-esteem I have, the more value I place on others I meet, the more I value the people I love.

Like I said, I think self-esteem is kind of magical, which is weird for me to say because I really like data more than magic.

I get self-esteem by doing good things for myself. I journal because it gives me an outlet and lets me communicate with others in the same struggle.

I get self-esteem by sharpening my skills and learning new things.

I get self-esteem when I care for myself by getting my teeth cleaned or taking care of a physical problem.

I get self-esteem from nourishing myself. I love cooking for my family and sharing the kitchen with my husband.

I don?t get self-esteem from laundry, that is absurd, but I feel a sense of accomplishment doing things to keep my household in order.

I get self-esteem when I look my best.

I get self-esteem when I can help someone else.

I get self-esteem when some cares enough to help me. I had a flat tire a few weeks ago. A very nice man stopped and changed it for me and told me to ?pass it on?. I felt like accidental royalty!

I don?t ever want to lose my self-esteem again. I don?t want you to either, kind reader. So, I?m asking you ? How do you find self-esteem?

 

[Gracie]

The self esteem thing is big in recovery for wives.  It was for me.  Like you it was just there.  Who knew I was one small discovery away from having close to zero?  I did not know I could feel I had none.  I felt like I had been rejected for what I was.  I know now I was not.  That sentence about "small discovery" is why I encourage the partner to be told.  If you never tell, there is always the chance of discovery.  If you tell, you are saying I have this problem, this addiction and print off information for them to read.  Not just about you but about partners in this walk.  Then you heal together. 

Self esteem is lost by both partners. It takes both working with each other to get it back.

For me.

1. I made sure I had make-up on everyday. 
2. I took care of house tasks.
3. I called my grandchildren a lot.  (They just love so much)
4. I worked in my garden.
5. I had a health problem and got massages every week.  It was severe muscle spasms and it also provided healing touch.
6. I did things like buy a gun and learn to shoot.
7. I learned to love with new depth and emotion.
8. I learned honest feelings can be told and nothing bad happens.

These are the things that helped most.  I still get panic attacks when I travel for work and stay in a room alone but it is getting better. 

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

The self esteem thing is big in recovery for wives.  It was for me.  Like you it was just there.  Who knew I was one small discovery away from having close to zero?  I did not know I could feel I had none.  I felt like I had been rejected for what I was.  I know now I was not.  That sentence about "small discovery" is why I encourage the partner to be told.  If you never tell, there is always the chance of discovery.  If you tell, you are saying I have this problem, this addiction and print off information for them to read.  Not just about you but about partners in this walk.  Then you heal together. 

Self esteem is lost by both partners. It takes both working with each other to get it back.

For me.

1. I made sure I had make-up on everyday. 
2. I took care of house tasks.
3. I called my grandchildren a lot.  (They just love so much)
4. I worked in my garden.
5. I had a health problem and got massages every week.  It was severe muscle spasms and it also provided healing touch.
6. I did things like buy a gun and learn to shoot.
7. I learned to love with new depth and emotion.
8. I learned honest feelings can be told and nothing bad happens.

These are the things that helped most.  I still get panic attacks when I travel for work and stay in a room alone but it is getting better.

Gracie,

Thank you for sharing this. Self-esteem is a big thing. It grows with our triumphs and helps us feel secure.

It is is such a delicate thing, but it makes us strong.

I think I used to have self-esteem based on the job I held, the marriage I thought I had, the life I thought I was living. When things went sideways I didn't have the skills or self-awareness to really handle it. I curled up in a ball of depression, stopped bathing, stopped liking myself.

I think I confused self-esteem with pride, which is not the same thing. Pride is self-esteem without conscience, maybe?

?Through pride we are ever deceiving ourselves. But deep down below the surface of the average conscience a still, small voice says to us, something is out of tune. ?

? C.G. Jung

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Kids had evening activities so we went out to eat. Kid #2 had hilarious essay that makes me wonder if she's going to be a writer.

"Caught" oldest kid helping a kid in his group struggling with motor skill challenges zip a jacket. The other kid has some real physical challenges and has endured several surgeries. My kid has just gravitated to helping him stay engaged in the activity group, without being patronizing.

For having such lackadaisical parents that can't get it together, they sure are fantastic. They humble me.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I did three things today to boost my self esteem.

First, I had lunch with the kids. They just finished school and this is a treat for us to see them during the day.

Second, I laughed when a lady jumped in front of me in line because it really didn't matter, also she looked like Nefertiti, the mummy and she seemed really important.

Third, I received only three questions on a report I issued, when former assistant would have 15-20 questions. [spike]

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Today, I talked to my husband about something that has bothered me for a long time. It was uncomfortable for him and me, but I did it.

 

[Bibbity]

Today, I talked to my husband about something that has bothered me for a long time. It was uncomfortable for him and me, but I did it.

That's great!  I am rooting for you 

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Something Deuce said really has me working on stopping the self-deception that seems to creep in the journey. It is one thing to get mad at husband for all the lies, it is another to ignore the lies I told myself. Time to reconcile the books and live the honest life I want. I don't want to pretend to be happy, I want to be happy.

I notice my emotions more. If a response from him makes me uncomfortable, irritated or plain angry I ask myself why I'm having this reaction instead of blaming him or looking for a way to discount his response or even disconnect. Am I looking to him for justification, affirmation? Is my reaction balanced or over-blown or undermined by a desire to get along?

I notice irrational thoughts. Just because everyone else does something, doesn't mean I should. I try to think it through to a conclusion, maintaining respect for myself and others. Does it make sense to yammer on about emotional disconnection when working on connecting really addresses the issue? Am I being rational in my approach to a problem or celebration?

I notice my own behavior. I want to like and value myself. This means I have to walk the walk, not just talk the talk.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I had a mini-breakdown this week. I felt worthless, a failure. I let these feelings run their course rather than trying to "find a happy place" or cover them up. I shared my fears with my husband, only as a notice that this will happen as I heal. I let myself be vulnerable and dark because these were my feelings at the time.

It passed and I feel better about myself. I don't feel guilty or "crazy" for being blue. I think people with high self-esteem aren't always perpetually happy either, they just don't need to stress over it, knowing that there is an ebb and flow to all things.