Checking in
- Thread starter Broken73
- Start date
Steam rolled
Active Member
Hello brocken- hope you are doing good and life has for better.
Good news here is my SO is still clean of PMO 14 months later
And im pretty sure of it as my life has changed dramatically since discovery.
he doesnt leave my side for long at all. His choice not mine.
As told by the therespist it isnt a good thing to spend day in and day out together, we need space.but what ever works for him i will try and keep going.
Just like i have always been there for him, even when i was out of sight out of mind to him and he lived his double life, still took care of him and lifes duties.
As i stood by watching life fall apart for a reason i couldnt put my finger on, now that the mystery is figured out , love is better for us and much closer but deep inside
Im hanging on by a thread! I cant let go of betrayal.
Porn is cancer to a realationship!
Good news here is my SO is still clean of PMO 14 months later
And im pretty sure of it as my life has changed dramatically since discovery.
he doesnt leave my side for long at all. His choice not mine.
As told by the therespist it isnt a good thing to spend day in and day out together, we need space.but what ever works for him i will try and keep going.
Just like i have always been there for him, even when i was out of sight out of mind to him and he lived his double life, still took care of him and lifes duties.
As i stood by watching life fall apart for a reason i couldnt put my finger on, now that the mystery is figured out , love is better for us and much closer but deep inside
Im hanging on by a thread! I cant let go of betrayal.
Porn is cancer to a realationship!
I understand you SR. For me, we had a porn free life and marriage for 10 years and then he started watching. So it very much still feels like bored with me, you are in your 40's, you are old. And then went on for 15 years. That is so hard for me to shake. That why then? There are days I just have it wash over me. Not often at all but when it does it is like a tsunami of feelings. I am so sad then. And as I approach my 63rd birthday, it makes the you are old thing big in my brain. (And people say I look like I am in my 40's so I know I do not look old) But it is a major mind F**k to we women. Everything is so upside down.
I sometimes wonder if I will ever have that unbridled total trust and feeling I am his only one ever again. He has changed and we are closer but there is that small little space that was never there before. Sometimes I feel like I gave my whole self to him, and he did not value that gift. So the relationship is changed.
I sometimes wonder if I will ever have that unbridled total trust and feeling I am his only one ever again. He has changed and we are closer but there is that small little space that was never there before. Sometimes I feel like I gave my whole self to him, and he did not value that gift. So the relationship is changed.
Steam rolled
Active Member
This is O so real!!
Birthdays never effected me either age meant nothing, cause i was also told i look a lot younger and would kind of blush about it.
Now its like im harping on it ( got one around the corner ), feel like if he goes back again to PMO will i still look younger, if its 2 years from now ????!!???
This shit has aged me, lost a lot of my hair due to overwhelming stress. ITS NOT FAIR!!!!
While i would race to the grocery store to get sour cream for his potoatoe he would race to PMO while i was gone, then eat it and look me right in the face!! HOW can a person do that to a person they claim to love ??? Oh right its addiction, HUH!! But THEY know its wrong!!! So to me addiction only goes so far !!!
What if while the wife was at the grocery store and exchanged emails to share naked photos with another strange man??? ..would that have been O.K ?? I think not !!!!
Its just so wrong and thoughtless on so many levals.
Feeling sexy is gone.
Feeling wanted fully is gone.
I want it back but dont know how, im out of energy! clean or not.
Lies are lies! We didn't create this they did.
Birthdays never effected me either age meant nothing, cause i was also told i look a lot younger and would kind of blush about it.
Now its like im harping on it ( got one around the corner ), feel like if he goes back again to PMO will i still look younger, if its 2 years from now ????!!???
This shit has aged me, lost a lot of my hair due to overwhelming stress. ITS NOT FAIR!!!!
While i would race to the grocery store to get sour cream for his potoatoe he would race to PMO while i was gone, then eat it and look me right in the face!! HOW can a person do that to a person they claim to love ??? Oh right its addiction, HUH!! But THEY know its wrong!!! So to me addiction only goes so far !!!
What if while the wife was at the grocery store and exchanged emails to share naked photos with another strange man??? ..would that have been O.K ?? I think not !!!!
Its just so wrong and thoughtless on so many levals.
Feeling sexy is gone.
Feeling wanted fully is gone.
I want it back but dont know how, im out of energy! clean or not.
Lies are lies! We didn't create this they did.
Hi ladies. I'm glad you checked in. SR- I'm glad your SO is still going strong at 14 months! I'm sorry it's still hard for you. you mentioned a therapist - does he/she offer you any insight on how to cope with your experience? I am looking into therapists now for that reason. I'm not sure if my husband is actually doing better or if he's just learning how to hide it better. I'm sad that I'm so negative about everything and having such a hard time trusting. I wish I knew how to help everyone feel better about the crappy situation we're in, but I'm just as lost and hurt and confused about the next step as everyone else. Do you do anything for yourself? What do you like to do for fun?
Gracie - is your husband rebooting now? Or has he been pmo free at all? (I apologize if you've said it somewhere else, I don't recall.) I'm sorry about what you have been going through, too. I feel like however many times they say "it's not about you" we women take part of that but always really feel like it must be at least part us... I think that's why it's so hard on us. We put so much effort into our looks, our homes, our relationships, and anything we do but still have this feeling that it wasn't enough. That we weren't enough. You say he has changed and that you are closer - that's excellent! Hopefully you can keep growing closer as the years go by.
You are both very strong women for trying to work through this and staying committed your SOs. i hope we can all work together to help each other get through this as well. It is hard to be the support person all the time and feel like you get lost in someone else's issues. It is their "problem", but we are 100% affected by it, too. Stay strong. Try to stay positive. It's pretty much the only way we'll get through this - it's the only way our partners have gotten through this, too.
Gracie - is your husband rebooting now? Or has he been pmo free at all? (I apologize if you've said it somewhere else, I don't recall.) I'm sorry about what you have been going through, too. I feel like however many times they say "it's not about you" we women take part of that but always really feel like it must be at least part us... I think that's why it's so hard on us. We put so much effort into our looks, our homes, our relationships, and anything we do but still have this feeling that it wasn't enough. That we weren't enough. You say he has changed and that you are closer - that's excellent! Hopefully you can keep growing closer as the years go by.
You are both very strong women for trying to work through this and staying committed your SOs. i hope we can all work together to help each other get through this as well. It is hard to be the support person all the time and feel like you get lost in someone else's issues. It is their "problem", but we are 100% affected by it, too. Stay strong. Try to stay positive. It's pretty much the only way we'll get through this - it's the only way our partners have gotten through this, too.
Steam rolled
Active Member
Thanks B for caring.
I stopped going to the theripist for reasons that she wanted to dig more into my past trauma experiences and i just couldnt handle going threw that again, i have been threw so much in my life that this experience of the only man i thought wouldnt hurt me did , that she had to go deeper.
She was great but i guess i just gave up on everything, i do that even 14 months later.
But she did suggest exersise, doing things like girls time, but I dont want to sit around with a bunch of girls who hate men !! And trust me thats becoming very very common ...hmmm i wonder why .......PMO!!!!! The subject comes up more often lately from woman, they have had it !!
She also suggested silence and taking deep breathes 3 times a day, it actually helps.
We do a lot of fun things together, my SO and i are always together, we always have been but drifted away during his PMO lonely party with himself!!!
But we have come back, just drinking has to be limited and or none. Feelings come out.
In the end, im still a mess and my husband loves me more than anything.
I have to try and get threw this , but never will i trust 100% again, and in these times i would never reccomend it to anyone, sorry but 1 eye open always!!!
I stopped going to the theripist for reasons that she wanted to dig more into my past trauma experiences and i just couldnt handle going threw that again, i have been threw so much in my life that this experience of the only man i thought wouldnt hurt me did , that she had to go deeper.
She was great but i guess i just gave up on everything, i do that even 14 months later.
But she did suggest exersise, doing things like girls time, but I dont want to sit around with a bunch of girls who hate men !! And trust me thats becoming very very common ...hmmm i wonder why .......PMO!!!!! The subject comes up more often lately from woman, they have had it !!
She also suggested silence and taking deep breathes 3 times a day, it actually helps.
We do a lot of fun things together, my SO and i are always together, we always have been but drifted away during his PMO lonely party with himself!!!
But we have come back, just drinking has to be limited and or none. Feelings come out.
In the end, im still a mess and my husband loves me more than anything.
I have to try and get threw this , but never will i trust 100% again, and in these times i would never reccomend it to anyone, sorry but 1 eye open always!!!
My husband recently recognized that his porn use might be a problem when I shared info that I found at this site and others. He had developed ED and was freaking out. He had never heard that porn can cause this problem and says he will never use it again. I am trying to be emotionally supportive as I can but I am not going to put blocking on the computer or anything. I don't want to be his monitor. This is his deal. I've known he was using porn for years. I gave up trying to get him to stop, thinking it would be more harmful to our relationship than just letting it go (ironic).
The thing that makes me sad is that me being hurt by his porn use was not sufficient motivation for him to quit. It isn't until he can't get it up anymore that he is willing to stop. I know he would still be watching if it wasn't causing a problem for him. I have to keep reminding myself that porn is DESIGNED to hook you and men's brains are perfectly set up to get hooked by it. But he actually told me it was the only thing that makes him feel happy. The ONLY thing?? I know we have our problems but wow, that really hurts. What's crazy is I actually feel guilty, like I took his only happiness away.
The thing that makes me sad is that me being hurt by his porn use was not sufficient motivation for him to quit. It isn't until he can't get it up anymore that he is willing to stop. I know he would still be watching if it wasn't causing a problem for him. I have to keep reminding myself that porn is DESIGNED to hook you and men's brains are perfectly set up to get hooked by it. But he actually told me it was the only thing that makes him feel happy. The ONLY thing?? I know we have our problems but wow, that really hurts. What's crazy is I actually feel guilty, like I took his only happiness away.
SR - I understand not wanting to continue with that therapist. It sounds as though she made you uncomfortable and didn't stop even though you were uncomfortable. Can you maybe look for a different therapist? My husband told me the other day that after the baby is born (just 3 weeks to go until my due date!), he wants us to go to therapy. I've been talking to him about me going anyway because I can't seem to get myself out of this sad (obsessive) rut. I'm not sure how to find one, but he said he'd like to go and he'd like for us to go together as well. It makes me happy that he realized that this is beyond us as individuals and we need to talk to someone to help us work through it. I'd like to try to find someone who understands addictions in general and bonus points if they are the type of person who believes that porn addiction is a real thing as we know it is. Meditation (sitting in silence and taking deep breaths, too!) is a great thing you can do for yourself! You can also just sit and read as something for yourself. I recently started coloring again. I know, it sounds silly that a grown woman is coloring, but I find it to be enough of a distraction to quiet my mind as well as give me the opportunity to create something. They sell adult coloring books online now...or I like coloring mandalas. It's just something I do to help me relax. I think in the end, you will be able to trust him again. Even if not 100%, maybe 98%. You'll get there one day.just take care of yourself.
SDene - thank you for your comments! Him saying he will stop is definitely a good thing! Him realizing he has a problem is a great sign - even though it took ED to help him figure it out. I give you props for being emotionally supportive of him, too! in my case, my husband asked for the software to be put on. I think it was because he knows he doesn't have that great of self control yet when it comes to PMO. When I first confronted him about it 4 years ago, I just assumed he was working on it and he got better...meanwhile, we got more distant. Someone on one of the other forum topics (a rebooter) said that seeing how distraught and upset his P usage made his SO was enough of a wake up call for him. I kept thinking "why isn't my reaction enough for my husband, then???" (Just like you.). Everyone is different. My husband decided it's enough because he realized he was becoming emotionless and with the birth of our first child coming up, he was afraid he wasn't going to experience true happiness like he should. So I understand what you're saying about how he feels like porn is the only thing that makes him happy. From what I understand, once he gets deeper into the reboot process, his brain will begin looking for other forms of dopamine release, so he will realize (eventually) that porn wasn't making him truly happy, but just making his brain think he was. so, have some peace of mind that you're not taking away his only happiness - you're helping him find that there are other things out there that will make him happy [including you and experiences he will have with you]. They'll come around eventually with our help and support. Keep doing what you're doing and make sure you're taking time for yourself, too!
SDene - thank you for your comments! Him saying he will stop is definitely a good thing! Him realizing he has a problem is a great sign - even though it took ED to help him figure it out. I give you props for being emotionally supportive of him, too! in my case, my husband asked for the software to be put on. I think it was because he knows he doesn't have that great of self control yet when it comes to PMO. When I first confronted him about it 4 years ago, I just assumed he was working on it and he got better...meanwhile, we got more distant. Someone on one of the other forum topics (a rebooter) said that seeing how distraught and upset his P usage made his SO was enough of a wake up call for him. I kept thinking "why isn't my reaction enough for my husband, then???" (Just like you.). Everyone is different. My husband decided it's enough because he realized he was becoming emotionless and with the birth of our first child coming up, he was afraid he wasn't going to experience true happiness like he should. So I understand what you're saying about how he feels like porn is the only thing that makes him happy. From what I understand, once he gets deeper into the reboot process, his brain will begin looking for other forms of dopamine release, so he will realize (eventually) that porn wasn't making him truly happy, but just making his brain think he was. so, have some peace of mind that you're not taking away his only happiness - you're helping him find that there are other things out there that will make him happy [including you and experiences he will have with you]. They'll come around eventually with our help and support. Keep doing what you're doing and make sure you're taking time for yourself, too!
chickaboomski
Active Member
SR I get the therapy thing. I had a load of issues burried so deep come up from this that I actually went to one myself to try and not go completely insane. Same deal, stopped going. And I don't want to go through one after another, retelling the same story over and over until I find someone. I figured that would be more damaging than helpful. Also having a past in the industry made me very uptight, critical and analytical of everything. The deep breathing is actually one of the best things you can do. I have been doing yoga and meditation (which has never been my thing, but when you're tip toeing the line of sanity and suicide anything is worth a go). The breathing techniques in Yoga, actually resets a chemical in the the brain that stress builds up. And there is loads of different techniques to try. Meditation has also been a key factor for me in letting go. I have found a lovely lady whom I feel completely at ease with who guides me through some really dark shaded areas and helps me feel like its all going to be ok. That I am going to be ok. Like I have some space reclaimed in my head that was once completely occupied by hate and despise that this all created. It is one hell of an ongoing journey. It requires constant maintainence. As soon as I skip a beat, my rythmn is lost. Hope is there. I am slowly shifting. I don't think I really want the old me back. She was naive. I am focusing on growing in to a new me. A scarred but wiser me. A hurt but hopeful me.
Broken73, thanks for your support and insight that this problem and its solutions are different for different people. Thank god people are doing research and getting this info out. I hope the day will come when porn is viewed the same way as drugs and people will not start because they know the danger.
Don't let this take away from the AMAZING experience of the birth of your first child!! You and your husband will fall in hopelessly in love with your little one. It's great that he knows he needs to be clean for you and for your baby. I hope he will see and feel that family and love are the best things in life, and not want the filth in your home anymore.
Don't let this take away from the AMAZING experience of the birth of your first child!! You and your husband will fall in hopelessly in love with your little one. It's great that he knows he needs to be clean for you and for your baby. I hope he will see and feel that family and love are the best things in life, and not want the filth in your home anymore.