Need help getting through this

[Destroyedwife]

Hi guys

So I've been with my husband for 8 and 1/2 years and he has always told me bar once at the start that he doesn't use porn and he doesn't masturbate at all. Me loving him has always believed him and since bar work we usually spend all our time together it backed up what he was saying as well I never saw him doing it. We have had periods where we have gone without sex for months at a time but he has always said its a low sex drive. I've always felt that I'm trying it on and as such as the years have gone on I slowly stopped as I felt I was forcing myself on him. We got married in August 2013 and after this our relationship has gone down hill and I was convinced he was cheating on me (he also started a new job after we got married) I started checking his phone and emails and things and never found anything and he started to make me feel paranoid and making me feel guilty for doubting him. Over the years with the less and less attention he's paid me my self confidence has hit rock bottom (physically I've changed a lot as I've gone from a size 8 to a 14 at my largest after having kids). Then I ended up finding a compromising picture of him after I went out for a few hours at the end of May and because he's been having issues in the bedroom he said he tried masturbating over thoughts of me and because he got it up he took a picture to say well done and then deleted it because he knew it was a stupid thing to do. So after this obviously I was convinced then a few days later at the start of June I demanded to see his personal bank account statements and then I saw transactions starting from a few weeks after we got married to adult works site. This obviously sent me in to free fall as you can get prostitues and things from there and it's completely was not what I was expecting. My husband lied to me and said that it wasn't him and went as far as phoning the bank and saying it was fraud. I kicked him out but gave him one last chance to tell me the truth so he came back and told me he has been watching porn on a regular basis the whole of our relationship and then started paying for webcams after we got married as the free stuff started not being good enough. He has told me he would usually use it 3-4 times a week but could be up to 6 times a week or as little as one. He thought he'd tried to stop before (now following starting a reboot he knows he really didn't stop for as long as he thought). Anyways that night he came back and told me he also said these girls were sexier than me because of what they do and they have confidence. Since then he has said he didn't mean it like that and they aren't sexier than me but I can't get this out of my head. How do you get over that your husband has snuck out of bed in the middle of the night even when your happy or have a newborn baby e.t.c to do this. How do you get over that your husband has chose what amounts to thousands of other women over you (as he didn't have sex with you instead) and found them so appealing that he orgasmed to them. How can you believe him when he says he loved me the whole time still and now it's all out in the open he won't do it again (he is seeing a councillor). How do you believe that he has never compared you to these women and he finds you attractive and it's not real because it's on a screen and would never find other women in real life as attractive as you. Just how do you deal with it all and feel what they are telling you is true after all the lies and hurt and decent. And I'm my case after he has destroyed the confident beautiful person you were when you first met (so like the women he has been watching) and then says that's why he likes them because of the confidence and knowing they are sexy?.

Sorry this probably doesn't make any sense but basically how can you love and trust your partners again after they have done this. I'm struggling not to feel disgusted by him and I believe that everything has been a lie especially our wedding as he said forsake all others and he didn't. Longest he lasted was a few days after we returned from our honeymoon so just over 2 weeks in total before he did it again. How do you ever feel that they actually want you and find you attractive for you? How do you stop feeling second best and inadequate? Just how do you move on from this and it work as right now 6 weeks after I've found out I'm still feeling the hurt and disgust and all the other million and one feelings every day. I still feel like I'm in an alternative universe. At least I've started eating and stopped throwing up when I did eat. Is there any hope as he says to have a stronger better relationship after all this? All I feel right now is I need to hurt him as much as he's hurt me no I need validation that I'm not what's caused this and probably want an affair. I won't as it's not me and goes against everything I believe and would make me a hypocrite as I feel what he has done is cheating on me but it doesn't stop the thought being there all the time.

So in short how / can you get through this (I won't say forgive or forget as I don't think I'll be capable of doing either)

Thanks for reading.

 

[Steam rolled]

Sorry D that your another blind sided wife and trust is crushed.
All your feelings are normal for this situaation we are in and i personally dont have much answers
Cause 14 months my husband has been clean of this filth and i still have the same feelings you do.

But in time its got easier only beacuse he gained some of my trust back, and it hasnt been easy for him and im glad it hasnt, cause just like you have said i feel like finding a way to make him hurt like we are, and i dont think its possible!
Everything you said i have felt and sometimes still do, it so overwhelming!!!!

I would suggest you said you went from a size 8 to a 14 we'll theres something i would focus on getting back to a size 8 its exersise,its healthy and  im sure you would feel better about yourself??
I went as far as a boob job , and thats never been something i wanted but i lost it one day and just said im doing it to feel better, did it work NO!! But it helped.

DO IT FOR YOU !!!!!

As for SO has he read about what that garbage does to a mans mind and his precious privates ??
Does he know he was under the control of complete strangers who dont care 1 single bit about him??

Once porn is out of your life for GOOD things change for the better for sure!!
But just like you ill never forget the lies and deciet, but if you love him try.

Best wish SR

 

[Destroyedwife]

Thanks for the reply Sr. He has looked at your brain on porn and is a member on here so yes know what's it does and he has confirmed that the issues in the bedroom department is pied. (He's had the doctors check that there isn't anything physically wrong if that makes sense).

I am seeing a councillor as I started seeing one just before I found out to sort my self esteem and confidence out but at the time I also went to sort my paranoia out but obviously that was true just slightly wrong as in it actually wasn't a full blown affair just an affair with lorn instead and 1000s of other women. In regards to how I looking done my hair for the first time in a long time to how I want it and I feel fab. I've lost some weight and I'm now a 12 but don't think I'll ever be an 8 as that was me at 18 and no kids but will be happy with a size 10 or a trimmer 12 (get rid of my spare tyre hips as I call them) and I will be happy with me. But with the help of my councillor I'm learning to love me for who I am and trying to learn to do it without needing my husband to as well.

I really want how I feel to go away and get better as I can't see how our relationship will get better from how it is now if I don't feel better in myself as I can't accept the improvements he's made or the compliments I'm now getting and all the effort he is putting in because how rubbish I feel about it all just over shadows it all and I just think it's all just a good lie. Especially as I now know how capable and good he is at lieing. I struggle because when he tells me he loves me e.t.c he looks at me just the way he did before I knew all this. I thought I knew him and he wasn't capable of the lies but clearly I was wrong so how can I believe anything he says or does again. I have installed Internet security on everything and pass worded everything and I still worry he will guess passwords or find a way round it if he wants. Arghhhh all the doubt and second guessing and living in fear all the time is going to kill me at this rate. I can't keep living like this especially not for the rest of my life.

 

[chickaboomski]

What you are feeling is completely normal. It is a common thread here of the same feeings, pain, inadequacy, bitterness that we all carry as partners who are left in the dark wondering what happened to our relationship, what happened to them, what has it done to us. Finding this forum helped me so much, it helped me understand me a little better. My partner and I are just a few months in our recovery. The trust I am not sure will ever be the same. My parinoid mind finds me leaving my phone to record whats going on when I'm not around at random times. The only thing that stops me from doing this sometimes, is thinking if this is what I have to do to feel comfortable and like I can trust him, it's not worth it. And I question my own sanity and demand better of myself. For myself. This has the ability to completely consume you if you allow it. So working on loving yourself without the need for him is definitely a step in the right direction. I can't comment on how long things take, what will be, will be. The only thing I can comment on, is the importance of loving yourself, and being the best version of you. If they change they change. Ultimately that is completely up to them and we can only choose to wait and see or move on. Of course we can influence their decision. But the decision is theirs to make. I don't think it is a bad thing to give an ultimatum. In the beginning I didn't want to do this. But a line had to be drawn so that we both knew where we stood. Right now, months in, we are making great head way. But like a roller coaster it is up and down. Staying positive does take a lot of energy. And constant communication and reassurance is what I need. Not in words. But action. Focus on you. Be the creator of your own happiness. We can be our own worst enimies, or we can be our own best friend. Take care of yourself Xx 

 

[SDene]

Destroyed wife, I really feel for you when you said your husband told you the porn actresses are sexier than you are. Just remember that his brain is totally hijacked by the dopamine release. He doesn't understand that it's not that they are sexier than you, it's the barrage of extreme images that make him think they are like his own private harem. All they are is advertising to get men to spend money for their next fix - and it works. My husband and I have been married for 17 years and I realized he has been using porn for the majority of our married life. He is only trying to stop now because he has developed ED. I honestly don't think he would have stopped just because I didn't like it. He actually told me it's the only thing that makes him feel happy - that really hurts! I'm trying not to dwell on that comment (it's hard!) and remember that our husbands minds are so polluted they don't have a realistic view of life. Be strong and don't let him make you feel bad about yourself. You are a real woman with real depth, warmth and beauty. If he was married to one of the porn stars he wouldn't think she was as sexy as the computer screen either.

 

[Destroyedwife]

Thanks for the replies ladies. I am trying to focus on myself definitely. On recommendation started meditation and bought a yoga did yesterday so waiting for that to arrive. I'm also going to college in September so again doing something for me. I'm trying to loose a little bit of weight for me but I keep telling him I'm never going to have the figure that the porn stars he's been watching has. He says he says he loves me how I am but wants me to do whatever makes me happy.

One thing I can't get my head round is he says that he never thought it was a problem and didn't see it as cheating because it's not real it's just a screen but surely when he started paying for live webcams instead of watching video / film clips surely he knew then it was real as its a live webcam! How can they say they still love us and do this? How can he say he meant and means his marriage vows and still do this? How can I believe that in 'real life' as he puts it so not on a screen he would never even contemplate doing what he's done and wouldn't even go and see a striper as its wrong and it's real? I can't see how he can justify it this way. He says now he realises it's real and real people but knows now that what they do and there reaction is fake and a show. I asked him if he thought they were sexy because of the confidence they have with what they do (to me what he says he likes is the sluttiness of them and then is never me I can be confident or used to be but in a tasteful way) would he be ok with his daughter doing that. Obviously he said no. I asked if he wanted me to have confidence then would he be ok with me doing the webcams and again got a hell no as he wouldn't want men doing what he's done over me. Also have you guys had the conversation of if I was on the screen would you have picked me? He said yes he would have picked me instead every time. Well if that's true why not pick me in real life instead of porn? I suppose that's the addiction bit and the selfishness of him just thinking about himself because if he picked me god forbid he would have had to put some effort in for me to enjoy it.

He hasn't (well he says) watched porn since before I found out but can't say exactly when but thinks it's a few weeks but I found out 1st June so he has been pmo free since then (again supposedly)
How do you stop doubting it?

 

[chickaboomski]

Awesome on the Yoga and meditation! Allowing yourself to be, just be... Without any of this I have found so helpful its not funny. As for the doubt, and how to stop it. I don't have an answer. I still get on edge leaving him alone to his own devices for a few hours. We are only a few months in, but I am not sure the doibt will ever leave. I hope so, but I have been known to set up recordings to be sure. I haven't caught him out and doing that then has a whole heap of repercussions in my own head. Why do I do it. Maybe I didn't do it the right time and he really has done it just not when I set the traps. Then, how are we ever going to heal if I keep doing this. The list goes on. So I focus on being the best me for me. Even if you did have the body of the porn stars it still would have happened. Get fit and healthy for you. Because its whats best for you. I found out by researching why he could not orgasm and then searched his history and found the link that he had a problem. I had to some how make him wake up to it. It was such a painful time for us. Before that I was considering making him a clip and sending it to him. I'm glad I didn't. I know he would have liled it. And then followed up watching others when I wasn't enough. Truth is they will say things to make it not so bad, and they will say things that hurt like hell. I try not to be hung up on the past conversations and focus on us now moving forward. The past can not be undone. The words can not be unsaid. It hurt. But I have chosen to stay and love a man through this. That means I have to let go and look forward not back. It doesn't stop the past from giving you doubt. But it does help you see the love to fight for.
Xx

 

[hoopvol]

Your story makers perfect sense to me. I felt the same. It went on for so long, that I was convinced I was unworthy to be loved. The video's Gabe posted, realy helped me. It's still difficult and I still feel anxious when he sees me naked (try to avoid it als much als possible). But we are on the right track now. It took me a long time, to believe him, when he said he realy loved me. It destroys everyting you used to be. I myself used to be very confident and sure of myself. But years of rejection does real harm. Please try to believe, you are still the person you were before. Eventualy he will see you that way too. It takes a lot of work on his part, don't get me wrong! But when he does his share, try stop being angry and hurt. It will help you both. I wish you a lot of strength and wisdom. Please try to become you again!!