So, since my husband and I have started trying to deal with this porn problem, I swore I wouldn't try to check up on him because I don't want to feel like his mommy. He was so freaked out by ED he swears he's done, but maintains he's not addicted because he never used it every day (for 9 years!!). I have had an irregular schedule for the last couple weeks, working at home some, in the office some, so he never knew when I might come home or not. So don't think he's cheated. He seems to be in classic flatline too. Now I'm going to be out of town all day for a meeting soon and he will have the whole day to himself and there's no chance I will come back unexpectedly. I'm starting to feel anxious and like I want to find a way to check on the computer use. Actually thinking I might take the computer to a shop and ask if they can find the deleted history, with the excuse I'm worried about my child. What are others' thoughts on this?? What have you done?
To monitor or not to monitor
- Thread starter SDene
- Start date
Destroyedwife
Member
Can you maybe put something like opendns on and parental control it so he can't physically access it and if he tries you can see what he has done by logging on?
chpcbr
Active Member
OpenDNS is good as an impulse-action countermeasure, but it's not reliable. It takes just a few seconds to change the DNS settings in any operating system.
In general, I suggest against monitoring, unless he's on board. I understand it's tempting, but - trivial as it may sound - change has to happen because he really wants it.
In general, I suggest against monitoring, unless he's on board. I understand it's tempting, but - trivial as it may sound - change has to happen because he really wants it.
chickaboomski
Active Member
As a partner, I have to say I myself am always on edge. Half an hour, a couple of hours, a whole day, that feeling of wanting to know whats going on when I am not around I am not sure will ever leave. I have monitored, even recorded. I am not proud of invading his privacy at all. But I have. And thats what happens when trust is gone. I hope one day it will be fully restored to the point it never enters my mind, as for now, I try to minimize this behaviour because it literally sends me loco, nearly as much as not knowing. Reassurance that he hasn't done anything during those times I have monitored only raises more questions. Like maybe he did it before. Maybe after. Maybe I am nuts. It all comes down to trust. I know he knows now how much is on the line and how badly this effects me and I know how much he loves me and doesn't want to see me hurt and leaving. I trust that. Its just so hard to trust the addict. The once wont hurt. The I'll just have a quick look and it wont matter. Its all hard wither way. Its all a journey. Good luck whatever way you go. Xx
Thanks to all for your responses. I'm going to stick with my original promise to myself to not monitor. As you pointed out chickaboomski, think it will make me crazier than not knowing. And I'd feel like I'd have to confront him, which probably would not go well. He's started reboot and is going to have to figure out how to get through it on his own, short term and long term. I told him about this site and maybe he will join for support. Think the role that feels best for me at this point, is that of compassionate and optimistic partner.
Steam rolled
Active Member
I used to monitor and watch his every move like a hawk,either way im crazy over this if i do or dont.
But like my therispist said IF he ever goes back to that sneaky behavoir I WILL KNOW , it wont take long as like with all of us when it was going on behind our backs we knew something wasnt right, our relationship driffed apart but we didnt put a finger on it and life just kept going and going down hill right before our eyes.
But now that we know what the signs are to look for the chances of him or them getting away with it for very long is very slim!! At least in my case.
And I WONT waste another day with that addition in my life and he knows this and losing me is something i honstly believe he doesnt want!
Good luck and stay strong ladies
But like my therispist said IF he ever goes back to that sneaky behavoir I WILL KNOW , it wont take long as like with all of us when it was going on behind our backs we knew something wasnt right, our relationship driffed apart but we didnt put a finger on it and life just kept going and going down hill right before our eyes.
But now that we know what the signs are to look for the chances of him or them getting away with it for very long is very slim!! At least in my case.
And I WONT waste another day with that addition in my life and he knows this and losing me is something i honstly believe he doesnt want!
Good luck and stay strong ladies
I too, think (hope) I will know if my husband relapses. When he told me porn was the only thing that made him feel happy, I asked what he would replace that with and he said "I don't know". I hope he can fill this void with healthy options. He swears he's done. He's been educating himself and I am almost certain hasn't used since I first brought all this info to him a few weeks ago, though suppose we can never be 100% sure. Trust is such a fragile thing. I will be going out of town for a week later in the month. Know that may be a hard time for him. I have to put worries out of my mind as I know it is ultimately his choice and me crying and yelling will do nothing if he does not want to get free of it. Wishes of healing for all couples on this journey!
I did monitor my husband and it drove me crazy. Not gonna lie, I was up in his business 24/7 but it was exhausting. you can use k9 watch dog on laptops and phones and it will block any p website but honestly I used for like 3 months and I hated as much as he did. Then we both decided no more programs or monitoring. And honestly I don't have to monitor him to know when he relapsed. I think you both need to sit down and talk about it. I think communication is the key in every relationship. Good luck!
Pr3c1se
Well-Known Member
That's actually very true. There are NOTICEABLE differences from someone who is clean and someone who has relapsed. If you can't notice a difference after someone has relapsed, that means they've never actually were on the reboot path. THe noticeable changes happen within a week. Then they become dramatically different people within months of no PMO/MO. It's incredible.