Hi everyone. I am still a little shocked about the fact that until I tried to think of a subject for this topic, I actually hadn't realized that I've been a porn addict for more than half my life. It started when I was 17, now I'm 37. Fuck.
I've been a masturbator since as long as I can remember. I used to rub my penis on my bed's mattress as a little boy, something that I continued to do until I was 22 or so. Around puberty I began to think that my masturbation habit made me a horrible person and tried to stop many times, but couldn't. When as a result of my masturbation technique I got a phimosis at around 13, I took it as proof that something was horribly wrong with me and that I would never have a normal sex life -- so I masturbated even more. I was extremely shy with girls and felt unworthy of even talking to them.
Things took a turn for the (even) worse when I got Internet access at 17. Right from the beginning, I spent whole nights PMing. Sometimes I went for a week with one or two hours of sleep per night. When I left my parent's home to go to college, I took my porn habit with me.
Student life seemed to have the potential for curing me. I made many new friends, female friends even. But as soon as I realized a girl was interested in me, I panicked. The was the phimosis thing, my mark of Cain, which I was sure I could never talk about to anybody. This repeated realization threw me into depression. I self-medicated with porn, as I was used to. My stash was my treasure. Then I got a job as a research student, with my own little office with a computer in it. The computer had high-speed Internet access and a CD writer. Guess what followed. I spent many many nights in that office downloading porn and edging, terrified of what would happen if someone found me. Once there was a knock on the door at four in the morning. I figured that maybe I'd hallucinated and went back the next night. Until the IT department notified my professor of the gigabytes of data that had been downloaded from my computer. He asked me if I knew anything about it, I muttered something about trying out various Linux distributions, and that was that.
And then there was Freyja (not her real name, obviously). She worked for the same professor, we became friends. She was interested in me, and boy was she persistent. I tried to pretend there was no attraction until after about half a year, she just grabbed me and kissed me. My first kiss at 24. The next day, I called a doctor about the phimosis.
Fast forward 13 years. Freyja and I got married, we have two little kids, we bought a house. We even still have sex. Happy ending? Not quite. There's still the porn, which eats up all the time I have to myself. For example, I've had the house to myself for the past three hours and wanted to work on my PhD project, instead I watched porn. I am so sick of this.
My first serious attempt at rebooting was about a year ago. I managed a little more than 20 days before I relapsed. It wasn't pretty. In the days before the relapse my brain was constantly playing loops from my favorite videos. I couldn't concentrate. After the relapse I told myself that I'd consume porn "responsibly", which actually worked for a few weeks before I binged again.
So, what's left from the list? My triggers are anxiety, stress, frustration, the sight of attractive women. At work, I routinely get all of this combined. Often on my commute home from work, all I can think about is the porn I'm going to watch after Freyja has gone to bed.
What am I grateful for today? That my life has turned out so much better than I expected before I met Freyja. Today, specifically: that I am now writing this post rather than watching porn.
I've been a masturbator since as long as I can remember. I used to rub my penis on my bed's mattress as a little boy, something that I continued to do until I was 22 or so. Around puberty I began to think that my masturbation habit made me a horrible person and tried to stop many times, but couldn't. When as a result of my masturbation technique I got a phimosis at around 13, I took it as proof that something was horribly wrong with me and that I would never have a normal sex life -- so I masturbated even more. I was extremely shy with girls and felt unworthy of even talking to them.
Things took a turn for the (even) worse when I got Internet access at 17. Right from the beginning, I spent whole nights PMing. Sometimes I went for a week with one or two hours of sleep per night. When I left my parent's home to go to college, I took my porn habit with me.
Student life seemed to have the potential for curing me. I made many new friends, female friends even. But as soon as I realized a girl was interested in me, I panicked. The was the phimosis thing, my mark of Cain, which I was sure I could never talk about to anybody. This repeated realization threw me into depression. I self-medicated with porn, as I was used to. My stash was my treasure. Then I got a job as a research student, with my own little office with a computer in it. The computer had high-speed Internet access and a CD writer. Guess what followed. I spent many many nights in that office downloading porn and edging, terrified of what would happen if someone found me. Once there was a knock on the door at four in the morning. I figured that maybe I'd hallucinated and went back the next night. Until the IT department notified my professor of the gigabytes of data that had been downloaded from my computer. He asked me if I knew anything about it, I muttered something about trying out various Linux distributions, and that was that.
And then there was Freyja (not her real name, obviously). She worked for the same professor, we became friends. She was interested in me, and boy was she persistent. I tried to pretend there was no attraction until after about half a year, she just grabbed me and kissed me. My first kiss at 24. The next day, I called a doctor about the phimosis.
Fast forward 13 years. Freyja and I got married, we have two little kids, we bought a house. We even still have sex. Happy ending? Not quite. There's still the porn, which eats up all the time I have to myself. For example, I've had the house to myself for the past three hours and wanted to work on my PhD project, instead I watched porn. I am so sick of this.
My first serious attempt at rebooting was about a year ago. I managed a little more than 20 days before I relapsed. It wasn't pretty. In the days before the relapse my brain was constantly playing loops from my favorite videos. I couldn't concentrate. After the relapse I told myself that I'd consume porn "responsibly", which actually worked for a few weeks before I binged again.
So, what's left from the list? My triggers are anxiety, stress, frustration, the sight of attractive women. At work, I routinely get all of this combined. Often on my commute home from work, all I can think about is the porn I'm going to watch after Freyja has gone to bed.
What am I grateful for today? That my life has turned out so much better than I expected before I met Freyja. Today, specifically: that I am now writing this post rather than watching porn.
However, right after I sent the mail explaining what had happened and how to fix it, I started mindlessly browsing some tech news web sites, which is what I often do before embarking on a P binge. Noticed it early enough though, stopped and came here.