First step to freedom, advice from women needed

[tom25]

Hi Guys,

I recently lost my girlfriend (3 weeks ago) after 4.5 years. We have been together in distance and saw eachother every 2/3 months.
She lived in Croatia and i Lived in Holland. We even planned to live together from september, so she is so called the love of my life so far. Things are not totally over between us cause there is a big chance we meet up in september to talk things out etc.

During these weeks i am without her i finally realized i have heavy porn addiction since 2008.
It always didnt seem to me as a big deal cause i had my girl, great friends and college going really wel.
But, now when she is gone and told me she lost attraction i realize its all cause of porn.
I lost intimacy with my girl, touches, kisses, passion etc.
It must have been a hell for her to be controlled, and used as a toy, i made her send me pics, and the sex became extremer and she was fine with it, but actually i was degrading her but she done it all out of love. But it became obviosly annoying and crazy. She even admitted we not compatibable in sex anymore because of porn i pre ejaculated 70% of the times we had sex, and it hurts.

Now when i realized all of this i called a rehab center and i got a intake interview on friday, luckily i dont have to go in therapy 24/7 but ill have a weekly convo with a shrink about my recovery for the next half year.

Its my biggest wish to get back with my ex. On sunday i messaged her and told her i have something to confess. Because she deserves the truth. Obviously she didnt feel like calling but promised me that i can call her on her phone when she has time.
The waiting at the moment is really heavy cause i want this of my shoulders.
I really hope she will realize some things and understand that its wasnt my personality that didnt fit her but it was all due to my addiction. I cant wait to recover and be the man in bed and in the relationship itself.

Ill be active on this forum from now on, to learn and get inspiration and motivation.

Since im just here for an hour, are there people out here that got their ex back?
And for all you women and partners who see this, is there any advice you can give me to talk about this with my ex?
Thanks for reading, greets of a heartbroken and shocked guy.

Tom

 

[Steam rolled]

As a female i can give you this advise- gather as much information to present to her about how porn is addictive and changes a mans way of life in a very unhealthy way.
Gather Gabes videos, articles and links here and at  YBOP there are lots and there will be lots and lots more as more and more men lose there man hood and woman get sick of it and figure it all out!

BUT - its not easy for most females to except it as a addiction, A lot see it as men are just perverts....bye bye - next!
Sorry fellas but its true and becoming a VERY common theme, I'm a girl and i talk to many girls I know this and see many guys losing someone they have loved and loved them.
So thank Porn for that!

So come with the info available to show her you been trapped up in this for a long time without understanding what you were doing to yourself ,her and others around you possibly.
because you will be a better person without it and in time it will be felt and noticed.

And lastly PROVE IT by getting help and staying away from the poison.

Good luck!

 

[SDene]

Tom, first of all kudos to you for admitting you have an addiction. That is the most important, huge first step. And that you have already signed up for counseling, shows you are serious about changing. I totally agree with Steam Rolled that your girlfriend will need to educate herself just as you have to understand this problem in a scientific way. For me, learning this made me feel much better (I actually had to educate my husband, he developed sexual dysfunction and had no idea that it was caused by the porn). Number one, I was relieved he was not having an affair with a another woman. I was able to understand the porn viewing not as him preferring the women on the screen to me but rather, that he had unknowingly changed his brain chemistry. It wasn't the women on the screen he was enjoying, it was the dopamine. The multi-billion dollar porn industry knows exactly how to hook men and separate them from their money (and their real lives). She may be very relieved to know that it is not that you aren't turned on by her, but rather that you became addicted without realizing what was happening. I have so much compassion for the men baring their souls on this site about what is a very painful and often shameful problem. Many of the stories are heartbreaking. It has helped me to have compassion for my husband and to stick with him through his recovery.
What you have shared in your post shows that you are a self-aware, sensitive and genuine man who really loves his girlfriend and wants to turn his life around to keep her, and be a better man. Tell her just what you said in your post. And show her the info about how a successful reboot is possible with specific steps that you will undertake. Best wishes to you, be strong.

 

[tom25]

Thanks for all the advice so far.
I made it so far that she wants me to call her on the phone tomorrow morning.
I wrote down all the effects of addiction and what it done to me, and did to our relationship in the past.
Next to that i saved 3 links that summaries it and i will send it to her in the end.
Ill close the phonecall with advantages that will happen once i recover.

My biggest fear and hardest thing to get over would be the fact that she is really done with me and that its defenitely over.
Its gonna be hard to go through therapy without her, and knowing that i may never have the chance to show this new me.
It will suck to live with the fact that i have to blame porn for loosing the love of my life.

Probably when i recover it will be easy for me to find a new girlfriend of that im sure, i can only hope ill see her once in my life to show this new version of myself.

Once again i appreciate your fast responses and i think ill write a journal what life will be like for me the coming months.

 

[Steam rolled]

Its great you are trying Tom25 and by writing down those reasons is a huge step.
And hopefuly while you were writing them down you seen the things that have been going the wrong way, and that you can fix! And you can but without porn!!

No matter how things end up remember PMO is not the answer.
And if things dont work out, work on your issues and the rest will all fall into place in time.

Its a better life without PMO and a REAL relationship.

Thanks Tom25 for letting some of us woman see there is hope.

 

[tom25]

I spoke to her today and told her everything i am addicted with, what were the causes and effects.
Obviously it didnt impress and at the moment she doesnt want to hear anything connected to our relationship.
I got a really big apple to swallow coming months, i have to get rid of this PMO plus survive without a girlfriend.
I guess a half year from now im a new person, but sadly ill never have the chance again to show her this new person..

I doubt if i will see her in september. I guess sometimes you just have to learn the hard way.

 

[Wabbajack]

I recently lost my love too. Long lasting, hurtful and toxic relation, full of pain and false hope. I still love her and want to fight for her, but what good the fight can do if you're the only one fighting? It was not because of porn, it was mostly her personality and problems.

I don't have any advice for you, because I don't know your situation good. But all I can offer is my support. We both will be good

 

[hoopvol]

Hello Tom,

good you found this site. And I commend you for posting on the partner-section of this forum to learn more.
As Steam Rolled already wrote: educate yourself and your girlfriend. I hope your girlfriend is still talking to you? Reading a lot about this subject and watching Gabe's video's together really helped me understand. Your girlfriend is on a roller coaster ride right now. For the SO it's very hard to understand why you need P in your life, when she is there for you. The science part of the video's was very helpful to me. There are more sites were you can find more info about this subject (YBOP fe). I hope she is still willing to communicate with you and give you the chance to show her that you are willing to fight this monster.
But most important: you have to change because you want to be a better man for yourself. When you read posts of other rebooters, you will understand what I mean: their lives really change!
Hou vol, hou moed en weet, dat je niet alleen bent. Ook in Nederland niet!!
Hope to read about your progress!!