Hello everyone
My name is Daniel, im 24 years old and im from the UK. I started watching porn when i was about 13/14. Quickly escalated through different genre, elaborate story lines, humiliation, all before the age of 18, the legal age of adulthood. PIED with my first girlfriend made insecure, angry, anxious and depressed. 3 years ago i came across the website yourbrainonporn.com, and suddenly it all made sense. The solution seemed simple, at least at the time. I kept a diary sporadically, looking back over it now i have mixed feelings. I managed to have sex successfully after a long long time, which is a win. But i still relapse, masturbate, and have low libido as a result, which is a fail. But mainly, it makes me feel upset how naive i seemed when i was writing it, and being reminded of how much anger and scorn i poured on myself every time i relapsed. But it wasn't my fault. And it makes me feel even worse to think that lots of other young guys (and girls?) are doing the same. The expectation we place in society on the individual to take responsibility for their problems, pull themselves up by the bootstraps, keep a stiff upper lip or any other individualistic platitude is, in my opinion, wrong and harmful. Climate disaster, war, consumerism, inequality, mental health disorders, suicide, and of course, porn addiction are all to greater or lesser extents caused or exacerbated by that narrative. Let me know what you think about that. Also my diary is posted below. Thanks, Daniel.
Start date: 4/09/12
9/9/12- Decided to start a little diary about this, just as a way to keep track of time and try and keep motivation. So far so good?
14/9/12- 10 days in, starting to feel a bit shitty. My penis looks smaller than usual, which is worrying but apparently quite common during the flatline phase. Been sleeping a lot the last week or so (10 hours a night, sometimes 11), find it difficult to drag myself out of bed. Generally low mood overall. Have to go back to uni to take a Spanish exam next week, then moving back to uni permanently a few days after. Not sure how the move is going to affect the reboot, hopefully it will precipitate more socialising and more chances to engage with real girls, however I also suspect that after the initial excitement things will slow down and things will get boring and depressing, not helping with the lows and increasing temptations to watch porn. Think its going to be important to get into a good exercise routine early on, and make a good start with classes. Will write some more next week
30/9/12- 3 1/2 Weeks now since I started, coming up to the one month point. After initially feeling really good about the whole process, finding myself doubting its effectiveness, not sure if it?s the actual root of my problems etc.., or alternating between that and thinking it will fix everything in my life, which it wont I know but still feels like I?m putting unrealistic expectations on the results. General feeling/mood at the moment is stable, not incredibly low but not great. However, since returning to uni have joined the waterpolo team, a sport I used to play a lot of in school and is pretty hard work, and made all but one of my classes in the first week of teaching, so laying the foundations for a good year (at least better than my first three years). Still feels like im sleeping too much (a problem which I often have when I don?t feel busy during the days, or feel like im lacking motivation). Goals for the next couple of weeks: continue with good attendance and waterpolo training, join a gym (ignore excuse of not being able to fit it into budget) and set up a couple of language tandems with Spanish Erasmus students to improve language fluency and general benefits of socializing. Not felt massively tempted to return to porn (although had a couple of dreams about watching porn which I guess is quite common at least at the start of the reboot), apart from the other day when I was at the library, and I went to the toilet and felt pretty tempted to look at some porn on my phone and have a wank. Passed quickly though, thinking maybe I should disable internet on my phone. Drank to excess on Friday night(2 nights ago), felt awful the following day, but another general aim is to reduce the amount of alcohol I drink during a night out, especially shots and jaeger bombs (red bull makes me feel horrible the next day). At the end of the day, just have to keep reminding myself that at the very least I need to cut out all P, M, O for 3 months, then see where I am. Even if a year passes and im still at square one, its worth persevering with to see what happens, and the positive accounts ive read from other guys on the site has given me hope that it is worth sticking with. Will try and write more regularly just to keep a track on my thoughts and feelings as the brain rewires itself (also bought Norman Doidge- the brain that changes itself- aside from its personal relevance very interesting stuff).
01/10/12- Had a small relapse today. Didn?t orgasm, but looked at some porn. Going to up the security level of k-9 to make sure its harder to find online, but may have to consider getting rid of laptop if this is really going to work. Feel disappointed in myself, but got to keep going
03/10/12- Feeling quite shit today. Went out last night, got really drunk and made a bit of a fool of myself. Missed my class today as well. Been really tempted to watch some porn and have a wank, can really see at the moment how its ?addictiveness? in the sense that you use it as a quick pick me up when you feel shit. When I woke up all I wanted to do was stay in my room all day and watch porn, felt quite lonely and thought to myself that it would be nice to have a girl to be with. However, I don?t want to let myself slip into a pattern of feeling sorry for myself, so I eventually made up an excuse to myself to go to the shops, just to go for a bit of a walk more than anything else. That woke me up a little bit, but still feel in a solitary kind of mood.
Going to go to water polo training tonight, despite feeling shit and hung over, just so that I can say I did something half way constructive today. Joined a gym yesterday, so going to try and get back into that, along with some swimming, which should help with water polo as well. Im also thinking about implementing the Paleo diet (something I read about from ybop as well), just to try it for a month or so and see if it has any effect in terms of reducing lethargy/losing weight. But ive said these kind of things to myself in the past and never really followed through with them? Also want to make sure I SIGN UP FOR PORTUGUESE LESSONS.
05/10/12- Feeling extremely horny at the moment, its come on full force after the first few weeks of little craving. Browsed some porn on facebook, so have had to add that to the blocked list on k-9. Am thinking I may have to go down to the blackberry shop and get internet removed on that as well. Just as I thought being at uni, the novelty of coming back has worn off, now there are a lot of long days/nights at home with nothing to do, and these are the times when the craving strikes. REMEMBER THAT EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT IMAGES IT SLOWS DOWN THE REBOOT!!! Don?t forget this.
07/10/12- After a relatively easy first month, cravings have started coming on in a big way. Gonna have to delete internet use on my phone I think, otherwise its just too tempting. Don?t really know how to describe the feelings of craving. It?s like feeling really really horny, but only in your mind, without much going on at a penis level. Don?t really know what?s happening there, must be something to do with my brain craving dopamine or whatever the science is behind this kind of addiction, and I remember reading that people often confuse this craving for real libido, so gonna leave a note to myself: THIS IS NOT LIBIDO RETURNING. THIS IS CRAVING FOR PORN! Have to go with absolutely no artificial stimulation WHATSOEVER for at least 3 months, probably more, and then it will be a case of seeking out real women to readjust to the real thing. PS looking back over this diary so far I realise ive lapsed into general self analysis and whinging about my general life, so from here on im gonna try and keep it specifically relevant to porn abstinence and the reboot/rewiring process so others can hopefully take something from my experiences.
08/10/12- relapse. I know it?s an excuse, but I cant get rid of browsing capability on my blackberry. This is going to take longer than I had hoped. Feel low now, need to find a way to get rid of the internet on my blackberry
17/10/12- The relapse 10 days ago or so really brought into perspective for me just how strong of an addiction this is. It?s hard to believe I was pretty much oblivious to this for so long. I was completely taken by surprise at just how strongly and suddenly the cravings came on. I guess I didn?t really take the whole process seriously enough, but now I know how strong of a foothold it has in my brain I know its going to take much more effort than I thought. Internet on blackberry is now completely gone. Have removed from my access all the passwords to k9. Decided not to block youtube, as the benefits of having it (locked permanently on safemode) outweigh the negatives (hopefully I wont live to regret that decision). Perhaps now is a good time to set down in writing the reasons why this is so important to me:
1- REAL WOMEN generally, but f. specifically. She is going to visit London next summer, and I really like her, so she is a very real reason to stick with this for as long as it takes.
2- TO FINALLY BE RID OF MY ANXIETY. Along with some other issues (lack of career plans, failure to exercise regularly, regular drug use (now stopped) etc), im now certain that this porn addiction (still feels weird calling it that) was at or around the centre of all of that anxiety stuff over the last year and a bit. I feel like seeing through this reboot and reengaging sexually and intimately with real women will be a crucial step in finally being rid of all the self doubt.
3- CONFIDENCE. It feels like since the failure of my relationship with s. almost 5 years ago I haven?t had the confidence I used to have. The fact that I?m doubting whether I ever had confidence shows just how much this whole mess has gotten under my skin.
4- LEARNING SELF-DISCIPLINE. Discipline is something I feel like ive lost since coming to university (or maybe I never learnt it). Either way, I want to get it. I think that doing this and reaping successful results will hammer home the idea that you build and mould yourself by habit, and you have to persevere if you want to see a lasting change and improvement. Important life skill.
Ill come back and add to this list if I think of anything else.
19/10/12- did some mephedrone last night. Not loads, but still I said I wouldn?t do drugs again. Not sure how it relates to the reboot, but gonna make sure it was just a once off
09/11/12- Ok, passed the 2 month mark a few days ago. Occasionally waking up with morning wood, had a few sex dreams but otherwise hard to see any real progress, mainly because I haven?t tried myself out yet with a girl. I think New Years would be a good aim for the reboot, once ive hit that target it will be about 4months of no(at least greatly limited) PMO, then would be a good time to start rewiring to real sex. Meanwhile: keep up waterpolo, get gym going again, healthy diet, get back into the swing of classes, NO DRUGS WHATSOEVER, try to be more positive about things and practice mindfulness exercises. All in all, not going as well as I had hoped, but could definitely be a lot worse. Cautiously optimistic?
13/11/12- Two more ?relapses? in the last two days. The relapses seem to happen after about a month of good progress. I think the reason for this is a mixture of: feeling overly confident about progress, 2- feeling out in the middle of nowhere so to speak, meaning far enough from the start that I lose sight of the goal, and with no way to check progress I feel compelled to check everything is still ?working?. Things like getting it up to measure and make sure it hasn?t gotten any smaller, seeing if I still can get it up etc. I think this lead to the relapses (relatively little time looking at actual porn, so better than first relapse, but still disappointed). The approach now has to be no tolerance- if it isn?t a real girl, then avoid it. In order to keep myself sharp, I want to write briefly on here every evening, both assessing how the day has gone, and writing things to achieve the next day. In this way I should be able to keep myself busy and remind myself to stay focused.
It is also worthwhile now to try and assess some improvements thus far as incentive not to relapse again: Anxiety seems to be greatly reduced compared with a few months ago. I was, until the relapses, starting to wake up with strong morning wood. Motivation to go to waterpolo training has lead to a place in the starting team. In terms of will power, although I did relapse, avoided giving up and succumbing to a binge- strengthening will power/diminishing desire to look at porn.
DUST OFF AND KEEP GOING- it is worth sticking with and doing PROPERLY because the results are so worthwhile!!!
03/12/12- Another relapse today, that makes 4 times ive looked at porn in almost 3 months- I have to be honest, without those 4 relapses I think I would be much further in my progress. The truth is I think I was seeing some improvements, last night I was taking a piss and just out of nowhere touching my penis gave me a full rock hard erection literally in seconds. In terms of mood it has been up and down as expected, overall I feel better now than at the start of the reboot, but it feels hollow due to the relapses. But there is no point feeling sorry for myself- onwards and upwards, porn will always be available, so eventually im going to have to learn to just ignore it.
Assessment of this term- Stuck with waterpolo, played competitively, feel fitter and have lost some weight, so happy with that. Would like to start doing some weight lifting as well in the next week/next term. Drug use definitely down, 2 times taken mephedrone, but relatively little, once doing mdma for about 24hours, but felt really bad about that for the following 4 days or so, so think ive learnt my lesson there. Kept up tandem with bea, next term: JOIN ERASMUS SOCIETY. However, socially I haven?t improved much. After a good start in terms of attendance of classes, kind of tailed off around mid term, and might be in a bit of trouble over that, well see. Need to EXPOSE MYSELF TO FEAR INDUCING SCENARIOS TO IMPROVE CONFIDENCE. Relapses to porn im not happy with. Nervous in social situations (e.g. debating whether or not to go to waterpolo Christmas dinner). Haven?t gone out as much as I used to, but when I have I have gotten too drunk, was put in a choke hold by a bouncer for example, and haven?t really enjoyed myself in general. Been drinking a fair amount just at home which I would like to stop, or at least minimize.
Overall a mixed bag, if I get my Spanish essay done to a good standard before the end of term, I think I?ve done alright. The basis still has to remain exercise and abstinence from PMO, then ill build from there. But let?s get serious now. Absolutely no PMO until the new year, remember why you are doing this, its not just some fucking piece of uni work, its your LIFE so TAKE IT SERIOUSLY- denial and sacrifice now for benefits later. Be strong, you can do it.
22/12/12- Return home for the holidays and?relapse. Access to unfiltered internet on the family computer. I was seeing some progress up to this point- had my first ever wet dream, solid morning wood from time to time, lower anxiety levels and more confidence. Honestly, I feel really bad about this now, im disgusted at how many times I have relapsed knowing what I know now. Back to the drawing board once again.
08/02/13- It has been a while, after the relapses of the Christmas period I didn?t really feel like keeping up with this diary. However, I finally have some good news. I had my first successful orgasm with a girl. Its weird to be saying that now, im almost embarrassed to write it given that im 21 years old. But this process has been all about being honest with myself, and recognizing that some things were wrong and needed to be changed, and I think its fair to say that this was definitely one of them. But this is no time to be patting myself on the back. In the past it has always been around this time (one month or so of no PMO) that the relapses occur. I can?t afford to let the concentration slip now. I think it will be easier to avoid now though, having a girl that I can see fairly often, I can focus my attention on her instead of porn. Nonetheless, it is important to remain on guard at all times as I now move into uncharted territory. Keep the faith!
General improvements I?m noticing: anxiety level continues to decrease, no panic attacks, less fear that something bad is going to happen to me; sleep all round is better- no difficulty getting to sleep these days, waking up earlier, getting out of bed earlier etc.; confidence coming back (linked to exercise as well), more comfortable holding and sustaining conversations, feel like im making more jokes/laughing more, more confident with girls; drinking less and taking less drugs (NB its not that im against the use of drugs, in fact the opposite, I just don?t think it?s the right thing for ME to be doing, esp. at this point in my life).
Areas for concern/improvement: Classes- need to overcome social phobia of group classes/public speaking/general shyness; careers- need to start to apply for positions, research postgraduate options, look at study/work about opportunities; diet is starting to lapse a bit, got to keep disciplined with that.
Key goals for the next month: 1- GYM
2- DIET
3- CLASSES
4- CAREERS
5- DISSERTATION
6- become the daddy at spanish
03/12/13 (LONG BREAK)- Reading my last entry above, it is amazing to notice how much can change in 10 months. The positivity and optimism I can note in that entry is vastly different from my current mood. Having broken the back of this porn addiction and all associated problems (ED, contribution to anxiety, shame etc), begun a relationship and begun to put some real distance between myself and porn, I have gradually slid back down through relapse after relapse. I am perhaps for the first time realizing the power porn has over me, my own lack of willpower and determination, and the difficulty, not just of rebooting, but of a life of constant vigilance against relapse. Because what my slide back into porn use has shown me is that there will always be a part of my brain that remembers and wants to watch porn, and so it wont just be plain sailing after 3-4 months abstinence, as I naively expected when I first came across YBOP. In the face of this I feel lethargic and almost powerless, amazed at my own lack of willpower against porn use.
However I believe I must begin again, try to regain some momentum and some positive reinforcement in the process of rebooting and recovery. Funnily enough, porn now triggers quite serious anxiety and depression against myself, so its damned if I do damned if I don?t in a sense (withdrawl vs anxiety) If I can make access to porn absolutely impossible for a few months at least then I hope to regain some impetus. Additionally, I have started CBT for my anxiety, and with the discomfort and difficulty that will pose I could really do with getting back onto the right path with porn, and ultimately, relationships with girls as well. (PART 2 to follow)
My name is Daniel, im 24 years old and im from the UK. I started watching porn when i was about 13/14. Quickly escalated through different genre, elaborate story lines, humiliation, all before the age of 18, the legal age of adulthood. PIED with my first girlfriend made insecure, angry, anxious and depressed. 3 years ago i came across the website yourbrainonporn.com, and suddenly it all made sense. The solution seemed simple, at least at the time. I kept a diary sporadically, looking back over it now i have mixed feelings. I managed to have sex successfully after a long long time, which is a win. But i still relapse, masturbate, and have low libido as a result, which is a fail. But mainly, it makes me feel upset how naive i seemed when i was writing it, and being reminded of how much anger and scorn i poured on myself every time i relapsed. But it wasn't my fault. And it makes me feel even worse to think that lots of other young guys (and girls?) are doing the same. The expectation we place in society on the individual to take responsibility for their problems, pull themselves up by the bootstraps, keep a stiff upper lip or any other individualistic platitude is, in my opinion, wrong and harmful. Climate disaster, war, consumerism, inequality, mental health disorders, suicide, and of course, porn addiction are all to greater or lesser extents caused or exacerbated by that narrative. Let me know what you think about that. Also my diary is posted below. Thanks, Daniel.
Start date: 4/09/12
9/9/12- Decided to start a little diary about this, just as a way to keep track of time and try and keep motivation. So far so good?
14/9/12- 10 days in, starting to feel a bit shitty. My penis looks smaller than usual, which is worrying but apparently quite common during the flatline phase. Been sleeping a lot the last week or so (10 hours a night, sometimes 11), find it difficult to drag myself out of bed. Generally low mood overall. Have to go back to uni to take a Spanish exam next week, then moving back to uni permanently a few days after. Not sure how the move is going to affect the reboot, hopefully it will precipitate more socialising and more chances to engage with real girls, however I also suspect that after the initial excitement things will slow down and things will get boring and depressing, not helping with the lows and increasing temptations to watch porn. Think its going to be important to get into a good exercise routine early on, and make a good start with classes. Will write some more next week
30/9/12- 3 1/2 Weeks now since I started, coming up to the one month point. After initially feeling really good about the whole process, finding myself doubting its effectiveness, not sure if it?s the actual root of my problems etc.., or alternating between that and thinking it will fix everything in my life, which it wont I know but still feels like I?m putting unrealistic expectations on the results. General feeling/mood at the moment is stable, not incredibly low but not great. However, since returning to uni have joined the waterpolo team, a sport I used to play a lot of in school and is pretty hard work, and made all but one of my classes in the first week of teaching, so laying the foundations for a good year (at least better than my first three years). Still feels like im sleeping too much (a problem which I often have when I don?t feel busy during the days, or feel like im lacking motivation). Goals for the next couple of weeks: continue with good attendance and waterpolo training, join a gym (ignore excuse of not being able to fit it into budget) and set up a couple of language tandems with Spanish Erasmus students to improve language fluency and general benefits of socializing. Not felt massively tempted to return to porn (although had a couple of dreams about watching porn which I guess is quite common at least at the start of the reboot), apart from the other day when I was at the library, and I went to the toilet and felt pretty tempted to look at some porn on my phone and have a wank. Passed quickly though, thinking maybe I should disable internet on my phone. Drank to excess on Friday night(2 nights ago), felt awful the following day, but another general aim is to reduce the amount of alcohol I drink during a night out, especially shots and jaeger bombs (red bull makes me feel horrible the next day). At the end of the day, just have to keep reminding myself that at the very least I need to cut out all P, M, O for 3 months, then see where I am. Even if a year passes and im still at square one, its worth persevering with to see what happens, and the positive accounts ive read from other guys on the site has given me hope that it is worth sticking with. Will try and write more regularly just to keep a track on my thoughts and feelings as the brain rewires itself (also bought Norman Doidge- the brain that changes itself- aside from its personal relevance very interesting stuff).
01/10/12- Had a small relapse today. Didn?t orgasm, but looked at some porn. Going to up the security level of k-9 to make sure its harder to find online, but may have to consider getting rid of laptop if this is really going to work. Feel disappointed in myself, but got to keep going
03/10/12- Feeling quite shit today. Went out last night, got really drunk and made a bit of a fool of myself. Missed my class today as well. Been really tempted to watch some porn and have a wank, can really see at the moment how its ?addictiveness? in the sense that you use it as a quick pick me up when you feel shit. When I woke up all I wanted to do was stay in my room all day and watch porn, felt quite lonely and thought to myself that it would be nice to have a girl to be with. However, I don?t want to let myself slip into a pattern of feeling sorry for myself, so I eventually made up an excuse to myself to go to the shops, just to go for a bit of a walk more than anything else. That woke me up a little bit, but still feel in a solitary kind of mood.
Going to go to water polo training tonight, despite feeling shit and hung over, just so that I can say I did something half way constructive today. Joined a gym yesterday, so going to try and get back into that, along with some swimming, which should help with water polo as well. Im also thinking about implementing the Paleo diet (something I read about from ybop as well), just to try it for a month or so and see if it has any effect in terms of reducing lethargy/losing weight. But ive said these kind of things to myself in the past and never really followed through with them? Also want to make sure I SIGN UP FOR PORTUGUESE LESSONS.
05/10/12- Feeling extremely horny at the moment, its come on full force after the first few weeks of little craving. Browsed some porn on facebook, so have had to add that to the blocked list on k-9. Am thinking I may have to go down to the blackberry shop and get internet removed on that as well. Just as I thought being at uni, the novelty of coming back has worn off, now there are a lot of long days/nights at home with nothing to do, and these are the times when the craving strikes. REMEMBER THAT EVERY TIME YOU LOOK AT IMAGES IT SLOWS DOWN THE REBOOT!!! Don?t forget this.
07/10/12- After a relatively easy first month, cravings have started coming on in a big way. Gonna have to delete internet use on my phone I think, otherwise its just too tempting. Don?t really know how to describe the feelings of craving. It?s like feeling really really horny, but only in your mind, without much going on at a penis level. Don?t really know what?s happening there, must be something to do with my brain craving dopamine or whatever the science is behind this kind of addiction, and I remember reading that people often confuse this craving for real libido, so gonna leave a note to myself: THIS IS NOT LIBIDO RETURNING. THIS IS CRAVING FOR PORN! Have to go with absolutely no artificial stimulation WHATSOEVER for at least 3 months, probably more, and then it will be a case of seeking out real women to readjust to the real thing. PS looking back over this diary so far I realise ive lapsed into general self analysis and whinging about my general life, so from here on im gonna try and keep it specifically relevant to porn abstinence and the reboot/rewiring process so others can hopefully take something from my experiences.
08/10/12- relapse. I know it?s an excuse, but I cant get rid of browsing capability on my blackberry. This is going to take longer than I had hoped. Feel low now, need to find a way to get rid of the internet on my blackberry
17/10/12- The relapse 10 days ago or so really brought into perspective for me just how strong of an addiction this is. It?s hard to believe I was pretty much oblivious to this for so long. I was completely taken by surprise at just how strongly and suddenly the cravings came on. I guess I didn?t really take the whole process seriously enough, but now I know how strong of a foothold it has in my brain I know its going to take much more effort than I thought. Internet on blackberry is now completely gone. Have removed from my access all the passwords to k9. Decided not to block youtube, as the benefits of having it (locked permanently on safemode) outweigh the negatives (hopefully I wont live to regret that decision). Perhaps now is a good time to set down in writing the reasons why this is so important to me:
1- REAL WOMEN generally, but f. specifically. She is going to visit London next summer, and I really like her, so she is a very real reason to stick with this for as long as it takes.
2- TO FINALLY BE RID OF MY ANXIETY. Along with some other issues (lack of career plans, failure to exercise regularly, regular drug use (now stopped) etc), im now certain that this porn addiction (still feels weird calling it that) was at or around the centre of all of that anxiety stuff over the last year and a bit. I feel like seeing through this reboot and reengaging sexually and intimately with real women will be a crucial step in finally being rid of all the self doubt.
3- CONFIDENCE. It feels like since the failure of my relationship with s. almost 5 years ago I haven?t had the confidence I used to have. The fact that I?m doubting whether I ever had confidence shows just how much this whole mess has gotten under my skin.
4- LEARNING SELF-DISCIPLINE. Discipline is something I feel like ive lost since coming to university (or maybe I never learnt it). Either way, I want to get it. I think that doing this and reaping successful results will hammer home the idea that you build and mould yourself by habit, and you have to persevere if you want to see a lasting change and improvement. Important life skill.
Ill come back and add to this list if I think of anything else.
19/10/12- did some mephedrone last night. Not loads, but still I said I wouldn?t do drugs again. Not sure how it relates to the reboot, but gonna make sure it was just a once off
09/11/12- Ok, passed the 2 month mark a few days ago. Occasionally waking up with morning wood, had a few sex dreams but otherwise hard to see any real progress, mainly because I haven?t tried myself out yet with a girl. I think New Years would be a good aim for the reboot, once ive hit that target it will be about 4months of no(at least greatly limited) PMO, then would be a good time to start rewiring to real sex. Meanwhile: keep up waterpolo, get gym going again, healthy diet, get back into the swing of classes, NO DRUGS WHATSOEVER, try to be more positive about things and practice mindfulness exercises. All in all, not going as well as I had hoped, but could definitely be a lot worse. Cautiously optimistic?
13/11/12- Two more ?relapses? in the last two days. The relapses seem to happen after about a month of good progress. I think the reason for this is a mixture of: feeling overly confident about progress, 2- feeling out in the middle of nowhere so to speak, meaning far enough from the start that I lose sight of the goal, and with no way to check progress I feel compelled to check everything is still ?working?. Things like getting it up to measure and make sure it hasn?t gotten any smaller, seeing if I still can get it up etc. I think this lead to the relapses (relatively little time looking at actual porn, so better than first relapse, but still disappointed). The approach now has to be no tolerance- if it isn?t a real girl, then avoid it. In order to keep myself sharp, I want to write briefly on here every evening, both assessing how the day has gone, and writing things to achieve the next day. In this way I should be able to keep myself busy and remind myself to stay focused.
It is also worthwhile now to try and assess some improvements thus far as incentive not to relapse again: Anxiety seems to be greatly reduced compared with a few months ago. I was, until the relapses, starting to wake up with strong morning wood. Motivation to go to waterpolo training has lead to a place in the starting team. In terms of will power, although I did relapse, avoided giving up and succumbing to a binge- strengthening will power/diminishing desire to look at porn.
DUST OFF AND KEEP GOING- it is worth sticking with and doing PROPERLY because the results are so worthwhile!!!
03/12/12- Another relapse today, that makes 4 times ive looked at porn in almost 3 months- I have to be honest, without those 4 relapses I think I would be much further in my progress. The truth is I think I was seeing some improvements, last night I was taking a piss and just out of nowhere touching my penis gave me a full rock hard erection literally in seconds. In terms of mood it has been up and down as expected, overall I feel better now than at the start of the reboot, but it feels hollow due to the relapses. But there is no point feeling sorry for myself- onwards and upwards, porn will always be available, so eventually im going to have to learn to just ignore it.
Assessment of this term- Stuck with waterpolo, played competitively, feel fitter and have lost some weight, so happy with that. Would like to start doing some weight lifting as well in the next week/next term. Drug use definitely down, 2 times taken mephedrone, but relatively little, once doing mdma for about 24hours, but felt really bad about that for the following 4 days or so, so think ive learnt my lesson there. Kept up tandem with bea, next term: JOIN ERASMUS SOCIETY. However, socially I haven?t improved much. After a good start in terms of attendance of classes, kind of tailed off around mid term, and might be in a bit of trouble over that, well see. Need to EXPOSE MYSELF TO FEAR INDUCING SCENARIOS TO IMPROVE CONFIDENCE. Relapses to porn im not happy with. Nervous in social situations (e.g. debating whether or not to go to waterpolo Christmas dinner). Haven?t gone out as much as I used to, but when I have I have gotten too drunk, was put in a choke hold by a bouncer for example, and haven?t really enjoyed myself in general. Been drinking a fair amount just at home which I would like to stop, or at least minimize.
Overall a mixed bag, if I get my Spanish essay done to a good standard before the end of term, I think I?ve done alright. The basis still has to remain exercise and abstinence from PMO, then ill build from there. But let?s get serious now. Absolutely no PMO until the new year, remember why you are doing this, its not just some fucking piece of uni work, its your LIFE so TAKE IT SERIOUSLY- denial and sacrifice now for benefits later. Be strong, you can do it.
22/12/12- Return home for the holidays and?relapse. Access to unfiltered internet on the family computer. I was seeing some progress up to this point- had my first ever wet dream, solid morning wood from time to time, lower anxiety levels and more confidence. Honestly, I feel really bad about this now, im disgusted at how many times I have relapsed knowing what I know now. Back to the drawing board once again.
08/02/13- It has been a while, after the relapses of the Christmas period I didn?t really feel like keeping up with this diary. However, I finally have some good news. I had my first successful orgasm with a girl. Its weird to be saying that now, im almost embarrassed to write it given that im 21 years old. But this process has been all about being honest with myself, and recognizing that some things were wrong and needed to be changed, and I think its fair to say that this was definitely one of them. But this is no time to be patting myself on the back. In the past it has always been around this time (one month or so of no PMO) that the relapses occur. I can?t afford to let the concentration slip now. I think it will be easier to avoid now though, having a girl that I can see fairly often, I can focus my attention on her instead of porn. Nonetheless, it is important to remain on guard at all times as I now move into uncharted territory. Keep the faith!
General improvements I?m noticing: anxiety level continues to decrease, no panic attacks, less fear that something bad is going to happen to me; sleep all round is better- no difficulty getting to sleep these days, waking up earlier, getting out of bed earlier etc.; confidence coming back (linked to exercise as well), more comfortable holding and sustaining conversations, feel like im making more jokes/laughing more, more confident with girls; drinking less and taking less drugs (NB its not that im against the use of drugs, in fact the opposite, I just don?t think it?s the right thing for ME to be doing, esp. at this point in my life).
Areas for concern/improvement: Classes- need to overcome social phobia of group classes/public speaking/general shyness; careers- need to start to apply for positions, research postgraduate options, look at study/work about opportunities; diet is starting to lapse a bit, got to keep disciplined with that.
Key goals for the next month: 1- GYM
2- DIET
3- CLASSES
4- CAREERS
5- DISSERTATION
6- become the daddy at spanish
03/12/13 (LONG BREAK)- Reading my last entry above, it is amazing to notice how much can change in 10 months. The positivity and optimism I can note in that entry is vastly different from my current mood. Having broken the back of this porn addiction and all associated problems (ED, contribution to anxiety, shame etc), begun a relationship and begun to put some real distance between myself and porn, I have gradually slid back down through relapse after relapse. I am perhaps for the first time realizing the power porn has over me, my own lack of willpower and determination, and the difficulty, not just of rebooting, but of a life of constant vigilance against relapse. Because what my slide back into porn use has shown me is that there will always be a part of my brain that remembers and wants to watch porn, and so it wont just be plain sailing after 3-4 months abstinence, as I naively expected when I first came across YBOP. In the face of this I feel lethargic and almost powerless, amazed at my own lack of willpower against porn use.
However I believe I must begin again, try to regain some momentum and some positive reinforcement in the process of rebooting and recovery. Funnily enough, porn now triggers quite serious anxiety and depression against myself, so its damned if I do damned if I don?t in a sense (withdrawl vs anxiety) If I can make access to porn absolutely impossible for a few months at least then I hope to regain some impetus. Additionally, I have started CBT for my anxiety, and with the discomfort and difficulty that will pose I could really do with getting back onto the right path with porn, and ultimately, relationships with girls as well. (PART 2 to follow)