I THINK I'M DONE

[chickaboomski]

So I think it is time for me to step back completely and throw my hands in the air and say I am done. I made a clear decision months ago about what I wanted my life to look like in the future. I set clear boundaries of what I was willing to accept from my partner and what I was not. I made a choice to choose me before I lose me. I made a choice to not let this consume me. I found ways to deal with my parinoid mind, I found ways fill myself. I didn't stop loving. At the beginning all I wanted was an admission that he was an addict. I never got that. If I did it was so cryptic that I thought maybe it was maybe it wasn't. I knew if he didn't we couldn't heal. Nothings changed. No admission means no tracking of progress, no open communication with me, because there is no problem. I am the one making a big deal out of nothing was the last excuse, but since it was clearly making my PTSD unbarable he would stop. He would just stop. Because he wasn't addicted.
So for months I have been waiting to see this man appear like in so many of the stories I read on here. I have seen glimmers, but nothing major. I waited to see him connect with the world. With no admission or communication I was trying to judge his progress through the other rebooters. Trying to judge flatlines, depression, fog, then waited for all of the positives. They never came. I waited for true intimacy, touch, the way he looked at me and treat me change. He never treated me poorly as a person. But our intimacy has been non existent. Our sex life I feel like a doll getting banged, and his DE eats me away inside. He was making progress. It disappeared after a week or 2. But now. It doesn't even matter because my trust is gone. And he doesn't even get the issue so I feel like saying fuck you figure it out. I just don't care anymore. I am not making a big deal about anything anymore because I just don't have the energy to. He can go and toss himself stupid and find someone who likes to be fucked like a robot. I am done. This is all 100% his to fix and figure out for himself. Sadly ED will probably have to happen for him to wake up.
Uggghhhh!!! I fucking hate this shit!!!

 

[sodonewithit]

[No message]

 

[chpcbr]

I can only imagine your feelings and your frustration and I am obviously in no position to tell you what to do with your life, but... Can you give him one last chance? An ultimatum, even? Can you tell him everything you posted here and more, tell him an admission of addiction is a step you absolutely need as a foundation to build upon? Do you really, truly not care anymore?

 

[chickaboomski]

Its not that I truly don't  care anymore. And an ultimatum was given about 2-3 months ago. I want nothing more than for this to stop. But I have to accept that the power is not mine to change, and I really need to put my mental health first. I have too much depending on me to lose my shit. Kids, a business, clients. If I lose it, we starve and have no house. This triggers PSTD in me and sends me loopy. I monitor, set up cameras and recordings like a parinoid freak. I shake, I vomit, I lose my sense of reality. I can't just stop those things, I have no trust and I need to know. If he doesn't admit it as an addiction when it so obviously is, how can I trust him to give it up? How can I trust him? He knows about my issues and that this sent me loopy. And yet here I am still. If I can distance myself from caring I can protect my sanity. And he can make his own choices that will only effect him. Maybe it is what he needs to make the first step.

 

[William]

I think this post, especially the opening post here, ought to be required reading for guys with the problem.  For most of us, in the midst of the problem, we have a "why should she care, it's not about her, it's not hurting her" attitude.  We have to have an attitude adjustment to fix it.  You are right.  If he is addicted and cannot say "I am addicted", he is not fixing it, he is just continuing to use.  As has been said before, there is no reason to fix the problem until the problem causes problems.  But he has to come to that realization, you cannot do it for him.  I hope you come out OK. 

 

[chpcbr]

Its not that I truly don't  care anymore. [...]

I think I understand your frustration in seeing him ignore the issues that make you so miserable and I certainly can't object to you trying to put your own sanity first. I am sorry it had to come to this and I hope he will somehow wake up in time.

I think this post, especially the opening post here, ought to be required reading for guys with the problem.  [...]

This. At this point, I don't need to discuss flatlines or triggers or the best practices during reboot, but I feel the need to look back at my recent and distant past and figure out how this addiction affected my life. In this context, a female (partner, not addict) perspective is invaluable.

 

[chickaboomski]

Getting feedback from rebooters gives me hope. Your understanding and appreciation of our...  the partners perspective on here has lifted my spirits and eased even if only a little my mind. It is not just what he is doing that is making me miserable though. Its the fact he can't even see what it is doing to him. We struggle communicating on issues when we feel there could be confrontation. So we wrote eachother so we could get out what we really wanted to say without interruption and could do it in a positive constructive manner. We both have issues. The first one was I am sorry I thought you were too tired because you work so hard and much. I didn't know this was the problem I will stop, but I am not an addict.  The second time it was I admit I have watched it a few times since you bought it up and didn't realize it was such a big deal, I will stop. The last time I flipped and was blunt. I told him he had the choice between his hand and a screen or me. That he had delayed ejaculation because his brain was wired to a screen and it will only get worse if he continues. His response that time was that I can't keep doing this to him and I only seem to be worried about my own feelings. I had to at that stage devulge parts of my past that have given me PTSD and explained that this was a trigger and driving me crazy. He understood I was traumatized and his actions were hurting me, he did stop for a bit. His DE stopped after a few weeks, he read a book I left out the brain that changes itself. Then he hit the wall mentally with depression and things and started to slide back in. The problem now is he thinks what I am going through is rare, because of my past. I have told him I am on here. He read my earlier post once I think. While he is no where as bad as he was, I can tell, the DE comes back instantly, and there is no passion between us. I may as well be a blow up doll. Right now he has gone to bed early after he couldn't convince me to. The fact he thinks he is successfully hiding this insults my intelligence. The fact he can't see what it is doing to him as well as me, insults his own. On all other counts I have never met a man like him, so perfect for me. So this is a hard decision to walk away on someone I have invested over 2 years with. We have property together so this wont be a case of me walking out. He has until January to show me change. But until then it will be best friends sharing a house. I wont invest anymore in our future plans. I will be building my own for my kids. I have a 3 young girls and a responsibility to them to show them what a healthy relationship looks like. What respect between partners is. How we should be happy with our partners and make them happy not share misery. Thanks again for your positive support. I will be OK. And this story still has the opportunity to have a happily ever after. I am just not going to get hung up on how I think his story should go. Thats for him to write. 

 

[Khamos]

I'm surprised he has not developed ED yet. That was something that started pretty early with my ex. This may sound weird, but he might not be acutely aware that he has a problem. He may know something is wrong but is unable to recognize it. It might take something like leaving him to make him open his eyes.

 

[Steam rolled]

Sad and speech less .but you are strong and there are no doubts there!
SR
Xoxo.

 

[Gracie]

As has been said before, there is no reason to fix the problem until the problem causes problems.

I think for the SOs this is the frustrating part.  When we look at our relationship, there is plenty of problems.  For the user, and this is seen in the majority of the posts here, the reason to fix the problem is they can't get it up anymore.  And even then it is not that this happens with their wife, but with porn.  So we are there trying to figure out, sometimes for years  "What the hell happened to our marriage?"  We have a lump of a husband.  He is not the man I married.  And when we say that, it is emotionally he is not the same. He doesn't desire us anymore.  The passion slipped away.  Meanwhile, back at the ranch, we are taking care of everything because they have pulled away.  Then we (so's) read here, she doesn't look the same.  (Even though we are told that porn is not about the women in porn, trust me we can tell after the fact all the things you said that compared us to them)  We read here that she quit having sex with me.  Mind you not, we no longer make love as often, we don't have sex.  Think men, if you thought of it as making love, you would be having sex.  And trust me the sex you have changes.  The reason?  You are not making love. 

I will say what I have always said, if you turn to your partner instead of away from her, and dedicate as much time to her as you did to porn, your life will be transformed. 

 

[hoopvol]

Hello Chickaboomski,

i've been following your posts for some days now. I was in exactly the same place. Denial, it had nothing to do with me, etc etc.
It's been 1,5 years now since he finally realized he was addicted. I saw so many signs and I just knew. He did't/couldn't see how it affected me and our relationship. You are in a bad place now and the most frustrating part is, that he has to see the problem, before you can go anywhere. I hope you find the strength and the courage to hang in there. I know, things can change. We've been working on it for 1,5 years now and everything has changed. We are still " work in progress", though. When/if he sees the problem, you can work on it together. I always thought it was our problem, not just his. It all started with his addiction, but the effects on me and on us made, that I/we have to heal as well.
I wish you all the best and I hope to read some more hopeful (hoopvol in Dutch) posts from you in the future! 

 

[chickaboomski]

Thanks Hoopvol, I do have hope. Without  hope we have nothing. I am just not pinning my heart or my mind on hope. And until I hear the words I am afraid he will never say... I am addicted to porn... It is completely his now to deal with. How can I contribute to our healing if I am the only one? I am also a mother first. My children need role models. They don't have that in their father and I need to be the best me I can be for them. While I wait years and shed tears, my children are growing up absorbing everything like a sponge. I spent 17 years with3 abusive partners from the standards my mother set. I am not passing that on to my 3 girls. It stops here with me. So the hope that I hold out for is for them. I am hopeful for him. And us. But it has got to a proove it or lose it situation. If I seen him actively working on it and communicating with me, I would ride more on it. If I knew he was here. If he followed through with his promise to give up his smart phone. Things would have been much different. But he didn't. I can't fix him. I can't help him. I can only attempt to fix me and help myself at this stage. So happy you and SO are on the flip side. With a little hope I may be too one day.

 

[hoopvol]

Hope to see you on this side, soon!! You're so right: he has to see he has a problem, otherwise there's nothing to fix. You have a lot of healing to do yourself, as well. I' ve been thinking a lot about you, these last couple of days. Talked to my husband about you as well. We truly wish the best for you and your children.

 

[Dyrim]

I'm here, too.  I'm not reacting quite as negatively as you, but close.  I also have some bad experiences that it brings to mind, but I've successfully been able to separate this situation from them.  However, I cannot fully control my negative emotions about the issue. 

I'm also about to let go.  I love him.  I love everything about him.  I want to spend my life with him, raise children with him, build a home, MAKE A LIFE together.  I could take every flaw he has and kiss it, guard it as if it was my own, even the most repulsive and ugly, all of the things that make him truly weak at the core.  But not this.  I can't take the fact that he gets his kicks somewhere other than me.  I want to BE his passion and desire, provide that urge.  Not be the outlet for it.  I wish I could touch him and feel fire between us, at least once every few months.  Even a few times a year would be preferable to looking in his eyes while we're "intimate" and seeing nothing.  It's awkward.  It's gross.  It hurts. 

I can't do it.  I am watching all these dreams with him slip out of my fingers and I don't have the urge to hold on anymore. 

He doesn't get it.

 

[sender]

@chickaboomski - my heart goes out to you.  +1 William that we should all read this.

I'm coming at this from sort of the opposite position from your situation.  In my case, although I had a long-standing porn-use issue, DE, etc. I knew something was wrong; I just wasn't sure what it was.  In part, it was difficult for me to see the problem because our society tells us that it's normal for married couples to lose the passion.  It tells us that porn-use is normal, and that all guys do it.  When I told my wife I had a problem with porn, she was surprised...that I thought it was a problem!  Fortunately, with the help of YBOP and all of the various resources I have discovered along the way (including this site), we were able to piece together what was really going on and get to a good place. 

In my case, it wasn't ED that brought me to porn recovery, it was an article I read about a guy who had struggled with many of the same issues I did, and how he recovered.  I wanted what he had.  It was about coming to the understanding that porn was occupying a huge portion of my attention, wasting my time and resources, and polluting my marriage; preventing me from having a true connection with my wife.  Once I was able to see all of that clearly, then it was pretty easy to choose not-porn.

You are right that you can't convince your man that he has a problem with porn; he will have to come to that conclusion on his own.  Pressing him on it will only make him defensive.  Using the word "addiction" will amplify his defensiveness, so you probably want to avoid that term at least for now.  I view it like porn is the Matrix.  You can't explain what the "porn matrix" is to someone who is in it.  Waking up from it is difficult, confusing, disorienting.  Its hold on us is hard to see while we're in it; like a fish in water trying to understand about water.  Especially since so many of us are in it.  But what to do until he sees it?

I think the key, what you DO need to try and make him understand is what exactly it is you're hoping to have with him, that you don't have now, and how you feel about it (not thoughts or judgements, but expressing your feelings).  There is no intimacy or great sex while porn is in the mix.  There is no model for intimacy in porn, just robots fucking other robots.  There is no subtlety, no feeling behind the touch, no eye contact, no meeting of the souls.  What's the point of having sex with your spouse if it doesn't feel any different from pounding it out with some random person?  If it doesn't feel special, then what's the point?  Maybe ask him if sex with you feels special to him, or if he's just getting off like you're some random piece of meat because that's how it feels to you.  Tell him that you want to enjoy sex with him, but that you don't enjoy this type of sex with him and that you're only doing it to keep the peace.  No guy wants to hear that.  In the end, it shouldn't be about giving an ultimatum, but rather about sharing how you feel, what you want and seeing if he cares about you enough to understand it and look inside himself, or if he's determined to be selfish.

 

[chickaboomski]

@Dyrim I'm sorry. I have no words of wisdom to offer you. This all sucks. I had to step back from here and the whole thing. It was just too much. Sender your words make so much sense, and ironically last night when I came back to check this page, I read your post and had caught him redhanded. I finally got the apology and the admission and all the words I wanted to hear 6 months ago. Too little, too late is the feeling as it took for me to say I'm done. The numbness I feel right now, I am not sure I have the strength to help and support. My heart is broken and the thought of walking away hurts as much as the thought of staying. I just don't know.

 

[hoopvol]

Hi Chickaboomski,

My heart goes out to you...... Maybe this is not the right time to make important decisions. Can you talk to someone? A therapist maybe? Most important thing now, is that you get your feet back on the ground.
I wish you all the strength and wisdom you'll need!!

 

[chickaboomski]

So 2 days have past. I am battling the what should I do syndrome knowing I will stay and fight for the man I love. Battling the whole he had to make me explode before he realized, shit had to hit the fan before he did anything, he had to be caught redhanded, and the whole what if that didn't happen how much longer would it have gone on. But... All that aside, he is the most beautiful man I have ever met. I have never loved anyone lile I do him. Which is why it hurts so much. Bastard. Anyways. Where to go from here. He has finally acknowledged truthfully  the addiction and its hold on him. He has finally apologized for the hurt I feel and loss of my trust. He finally said the words I have a problem and I have to change. He smashed his smartphone and went back to his old school Nokia. I really don't know where to go from here. I really am struggling with the next steps. So now it truly begins. This is what I wanted so badly when I first started posting on here months ago. So. With a great big deep breath and huge heavy heart its time to finally move ahead together in the same direction to heal and rediscover our love and life. I really want to be excited and happy. Having had to push me to leaving however dims the light. But there is a glimmer. I see the glimmer of hope for us now. And hopefully after sinking deeper and deeper, we can finally begin to rise. I would love to hear from some successful rebooters some retrospect stories of their relationships and actions. I know my man wont be on here. He has cut out all of his access to the internet. This scares me a little as he is trying to do it on his own, uneducated and with no support. I haven't spoken to him in 2 days. My job today is to re-extend my hand and my heart after being burnt by the flames. The journey ahead overwhelms me, so to break it down to minutes, hours and days is the only way forward. Step by step I hopefully will turn around and see we have made it as far as some of the other couples on here. Hopefully, the trust can be rebuilt. Hopefully my heart can be whole again. Hopefully I will feel like a woman again. Like a lover and a partner. Heres to hoping. Thank you all for any comments, messages on all of my post on my lonely journey so far. This nearly broke me. But your support, advice and just caring about a complete stranger has truly kept me going and I am truly grateful. Finally time to dust of my shoulders and wipe my tears and put one foot in front of the other.
Xx Chicka

 

[Gracie]

Go to Love You Hate the Porn blog  http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/  this will help you both.  There are tabs across the top that are for both the PA and the SO.  There are lots of articles in the archives as well.  And talk and touch hands feet whatever as you talk to feel a physical connection.  And only do what you are strong enough to do.

Much love to you as you now start the rest of the journey.

 

[sender]

Quitting this thing is like quitting crack while the pipe is attached to your body (paraphrased / stolen from "Thanks for Sharing").  I can't really get away from it because it's already in my head.  It follows me wherever I go.  And I have a built-in orgasm dispenser which is at the ready 24x7x365, and all it needs to be triggered is a rationalization, which is something I (as an addict) am expert at providing.  So to succeed, I had to really want it.

I had tried and failed to quit porn many times.  What made the difference for me was the information I got from watching Gary Wilson's videos on www.yourbrainonporn.com.  First, the TED talk, then the videos about the neurochemistry of porn addiction.  Immediately after watching those videos, I deleted my entire porn collection which I had carfully curated over many years.

Coming to this site, reading and writing entries, it helps me to feel less alone and less shame which is crucial to success.

I also bought a porn-blocking router (BUCTools Pro).  It automatically blocks out most porn and locks browsers on safe-search, and it does this for all devices connected to your local network.  It doesn't completely eliminate the online porn, but it makes it much less convenient to access, and especially makes it very difficult to find something specific, so it's helful.

Don't expect it to be easy.  I had terrible withdrawal symptoms (which is common): strong cravings, poor erections (only lasted 3 weeks), difficulty sleeping, and Restless Leg Syndrome.  That last one was really awful and basically prevented me from falling asleep for hours, and it lasted for about 3 months.  There will be discomfort and lots of temptation to relapse to end the suffering.

As Gracie has said many times, he needs to choose to turn towards you instead of away.  He needs to be willing to be honest with you, even about his failures.  On this last point, you need to try and not shame him, otherwise, it will be nearly impossible for him to be honest about his failures.