there is hope
- Thread starter hoopvol
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irish08
Guest
hoopvol said:
Hi hoopvol, thanks for the warm introduction on my journal.
I have read your story thus far and I think what you and your husband are doing is amazing. Far beyond what many couples are capable of doing.
One thing that really stood out to me so far is that you spoke with your kids about this in a constructive way and it's awesome that you received good feedback from them. They are lucky to have you as parents.
Keep moving forward and good luck to both of you.
Pr3c1se
Well-Known Member
hoopvol said:
I think if my wife gave me this letter I would cry like a little baby and never watch porn again for the rest of my life. You're an amazing woman. Keep up the fight. This addiction is powerful inside our male minds. Many of us had no idea what we got ourselves into.
Don't give up!
hoopvol
Active Member
@ bill:
"They are lucky to have you as parents.": Thank you. That means a lot!! I don't know, if our kids will always agree with you on this one, though :
@ Pr3s1ce:
I won't give up. We've come a long way already and still going. And yes: he cried like a baby! And it helped him see, what it has done to us. I hadn't read it myself for some time; reading it again made me cry as well. This time not because I was sad, but because i realized, I'm not the same woman who wrote that letter anymore. Still recovering, but as I said: we've come a long way!
Thank you, guys!
"They are lucky to have you as parents.": Thank you. That means a lot!! I don't know, if our kids will always agree with you on this one, though :
@ Pr3s1ce:
I won't give up. We've come a long way already and still going. And yes: he cried like a baby! And it helped him see, what it has done to us. I hadn't read it myself for some time; reading it again made me cry as well. This time not because I was sad, but because i realized, I'm not the same woman who wrote that letter anymore. Still recovering, but as I said: we've come a long way!
Thank you, guys!
hoopvol
Active Member
Hi every one,
again a little update:
we went through a little rough patch this last week. I started to notice some familiar changes in his behaviour and it scared the hell out of me! He was pre-occupied, lost interest in me, we all know the signs. At a certain point, I was convinced he was back at it one way or another. I didn't talk to him about it, because I was afraid I misunderstood. If there was nothing wrong and I started to question him, I thought I would hurt him. He would probably think, I'll never trust him again.
But while I was on this forum and read my own posts, I knew I had to practice what I preach: be honest about my feelings as well.
So I asked him, if there was something wrong and if he needed to tell me something. He fell silent and that told me my feeling was right. It took him some time to confess that he was having flash-backs again. I've been aware of the possibility of flash-backs, because he has a lot of P stored on his own hard drive (his brain). We talked about this before, about how they scare and confuse him. I've always told him, that they will become less, when he ignores them. But 1,5 weeks ago, he gave in once and used the flash-backs and his own "stash" to MO. Technically maybe no PMO, but dangerously close. It made him feel awful and he felt very guilty. That was what I noticed... the same shame and quilt again. It was hard for me to stay calm and not put on my very comfy "angry-coat", that is so familiar and easy. We talked about it and again we game to this conclusion: the fact that he didn't tell me about it, is harder on me than the MO-ing on itself. The fact, that he kept it to himself, while he saw me struggling with my emotions. We were both feeling miserable: he felt so ashamed an guilty and I was convinced he had relapsed. After talking about it, we both felt so much better!
We also talked more about all the P, that's still in his brain... there is no filter anyone could install to keep him safe from that. There is only one filter, that can help him in this case: his willpower. In fact that should be the only filter he needs.
We're doing fine again, just a minor setback: 100 steps forward, one step back.
He learned an important lesson (again), though: being honest prevents minor things from escalating into something much worse.
again a little update:
we went through a little rough patch this last week. I started to notice some familiar changes in his behaviour and it scared the hell out of me! He was pre-occupied, lost interest in me, we all know the signs. At a certain point, I was convinced he was back at it one way or another. I didn't talk to him about it, because I was afraid I misunderstood. If there was nothing wrong and I started to question him, I thought I would hurt him. He would probably think, I'll never trust him again.
But while I was on this forum and read my own posts, I knew I had to practice what I preach: be honest about my feelings as well.
So I asked him, if there was something wrong and if he needed to tell me something. He fell silent and that told me my feeling was right. It took him some time to confess that he was having flash-backs again. I've been aware of the possibility of flash-backs, because he has a lot of P stored on his own hard drive (his brain). We talked about this before, about how they scare and confuse him. I've always told him, that they will become less, when he ignores them. But 1,5 weeks ago, he gave in once and used the flash-backs and his own "stash" to MO. Technically maybe no PMO, but dangerously close. It made him feel awful and he felt very guilty. That was what I noticed... the same shame and quilt again. It was hard for me to stay calm and not put on my very comfy "angry-coat", that is so familiar and easy. We talked about it and again we game to this conclusion: the fact that he didn't tell me about it, is harder on me than the MO-ing on itself. The fact, that he kept it to himself, while he saw me struggling with my emotions. We were both feeling miserable: he felt so ashamed an guilty and I was convinced he had relapsed. After talking about it, we both felt so much better!
We also talked more about all the P, that's still in his brain... there is no filter anyone could install to keep him safe from that. There is only one filter, that can help him in this case: his willpower. In fact that should be the only filter he needs.
We're doing fine again, just a minor setback: 100 steps forward, one step back.
He learned an important lesson (again), though: being honest prevents minor things from escalating into something much worse.
That Letter was AMAZING. if i was married and my wife wrote that letter to me i too would cry like a baby. this is just an eye opener on how Porn could seriously ruin mens lives and a marriage! thanks for posting this letter as i would use this as motivation for my wife to have to never write a letter like this to me.
God bless you and I'm glad to hear you and your husband are doing well!
God bless you and I'm glad to hear you and your husband are doing well!
hoopvol
Active Member
Hi Keyballa,
thanks for your encouraging reply! You are the reason, I posted this very personal letter. Guys like you give partners like me hope. I hope that more guys, like you, read the posts on this partner section and understand what P really does to a person and their loved-ones.
Thanks for reading my journal and bless you too!!
thanks for your encouraging reply! You are the reason, I posted this very personal letter. Guys like you give partners like me hope. I hope that more guys, like you, read the posts on this partner section and understand what P really does to a person and their loved-ones.
Thanks for reading my journal and bless you too!!
Pr3c1se
Well-Known Member
hoopvol said:
What is really scary as many men get into porn having absolutely no idea what it might do to our lives/relationships. We think of porn as mainstream and normal. And it slowly corrupts our lives as to almost be hidden in its actions. Since it occurs so slow, we believe it's our significant other that is the problem. NOT porn. It's insane.
I really believe we should copy Russia and ban this shit. What benefits does porn have to humanity?
hoopvol
Active Member
Hi Pr3c1se,
I hear you!! It's so frustrating, that most people don't even know about this. And P is everywhere.. it's free... available... in all variaties. It makes me so angry, that I have to take all kinds of actions to prevent P form entering my home. It should be the other way around! The local liquor store doesn't deliver a whole range of alcohol to my house, for free, without me asking or even knowing about it, for my kids to find and try. If you think about it that way: it's crazy!!
I read another post about banning P and there the outcome was: as long that there is a demand, there will be P. I think all the people here on RN are doing the right thing. I sometimes want to do more to increase awareness, but it's difficult when you want to do it anonymous. That's part of the danger as well: it's an addiction no one likes to talk about. That's why I'm so grateful to Gabe and his team. I found this website the other day:
http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/
A very informative site. Maybe one day we'll be brave enough to share it publicly.
I hear you!! It's so frustrating, that most people don't even know about this. And P is everywhere.. it's free... available... in all variaties. It makes me so angry, that I have to take all kinds of actions to prevent P form entering my home. It should be the other way around! The local liquor store doesn't deliver a whole range of alcohol to my house, for free, without me asking or even knowing about it, for my kids to find and try. If you think about it that way: it's crazy!!
I read another post about banning P and there the outcome was: as long that there is a demand, there will be P. I think all the people here on RN are doing the right thing. I sometimes want to do more to increase awareness, but it's difficult when you want to do it anonymous. That's part of the danger as well: it's an addiction no one likes to talk about. That's why I'm so grateful to Gabe and his team. I found this website the other day:
http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/
A very informative site. Maybe one day we'll be brave enough to share it publicly.
Bango Skank
Active Member
Up until very recently I have been of the opinion that porn is normal. I thought that every single man watched it and the ones that said they didn't, were lying. Kind of sickening when you look back from the other side.
hoopvol
Active Member
Hi RN,
just checking in... I haven't been very active on the forum lately. I needed a bit of a distance for some time, i guess.
I noticed, that being on the forum too much made me sad sometimes. Reading about some guys relapsing...... seeing new journals by partners... And not just sad, but angry as well!
I'm always very glad, when new members find there way to this forum, but on the other hand, its so sad to read yet another journal by someone struggling with this addiction. Or the journal of yet another partner with a story, that I know too well.
I think I just have to find some balance... i think it's very important, that we keep supporting each other.
just checking in... I haven't been very active on the forum lately. I needed a bit of a distance for some time, i guess.
I noticed, that being on the forum too much made me sad sometimes. Reading about some guys relapsing...... seeing new journals by partners... And not just sad, but angry as well!
I'm always very glad, when new members find there way to this forum, but on the other hand, its so sad to read yet another journal by someone struggling with this addiction. Or the journal of yet another partner with a story, that I know too well.
I think I just have to find some balance... i think it's very important, that we keep supporting each other.
Emerald Blue
Well-Known Member
I have also had a look at some of the men's blogs and I agree it makes very depressing reading. It's tragic to see how many couples and families have been blighted by porn. On a good day I feel that it's time for women like us to take back our power and our sexuality. We should be standing up for our right to be beautiful at any age, to enjoy our sexuality throughout our adult lives, to be proud of our bodies regardless of how fat, or how thin, or what our cup size happens to be. We should stand tall, say "this is how I am, and you can take it or leave it". Right?
And then we find out what our men have been watching. We find out that they go for this or that type of woman, and it's obviously not us. And then we feel like shit.
It's not as if the men who watch the stuff hav been specially chosen by their "hot babes". "Hey! Old dude with big belly! This is for you!
No matter what, we can't allow their porn preferences influence how we feel about ourselves. No matter what, we must believe in ourselves and respect our bodies. Easy to say on a good day, but we have to keep believing and challenging our negative feelings towards ourselves on the bad days too. We can respect ourselves and our bodies even if they don't. We know what they are missing. All they have is pixels.
And then we find out what our men have been watching. We find out that they go for this or that type of woman, and it's obviously not us. And then we feel like shit.
It's not as if the men who watch the stuff hav been specially chosen by their "hot babes". "Hey! Old dude with big belly! This is for you!
No matter what, we can't allow their porn preferences influence how we feel about ourselves. No matter what, we must believe in ourselves and respect our bodies. Easy to say on a good day, but we have to keep believing and challenging our negative feelings towards ourselves on the bad days too. We can respect ourselves and our bodies even if they don't. We know what they are missing. All they have is pixels.
hoopvol
Active Member
Hi Emerald,
I'm not angry at my husband (not any more), but I get sad and angry, when I realize how P is effecting so many lives. There are so many people out there, who don't realize this and who think it's all harmless entertainment. Not just men, women as well.
It's hard to avoid and you have to take all kinds of actions to prevent it from entering your home. So frustrating!
I have to say, that reading posts by rebooters usually doesn't make me feel sad, but some time ago, some of the RN'rs I was following started relapsing at almost the same time. Maybe it's the time of the year?? I think it's good to read, when they don't let the PA take over and that most of them get back in the saddle again. Relapsing may be part of the process, as long as it doesn't lead to them giving up.
I understand you know what your partner used to watch... I know that's hard to deal with. You have to realize, that the P he watched evolved over time and became more extreme. It has nothing to do with his preferences, but it is more likely, that he needed a bigger "dose" to get the same result. Try to keep that in mind.. I know it's not easy. I saw what my husband was watching back then and I couldn't understand how this gentle, kind man needed that kind of P to get aroused.
You are absolutely right, when you say, it makes us feel negative about our own bodies. It feels very disrespectful. I often told him that and he used to reply, that it had nothing to do with me. Now he understands, what it did to me and to us. Try to keep talking without the anger getting in the way. It's only normal, that you are angry, but it doesn't help make things better.
We have to learn to love our own body again and be able to enjoy the intimacy. When that happens, things will get better.
Keep strong!!
I'm not angry at my husband (not any more), but I get sad and angry, when I realize how P is effecting so many lives. There are so many people out there, who don't realize this and who think it's all harmless entertainment. Not just men, women as well.
It's hard to avoid and you have to take all kinds of actions to prevent it from entering your home. So frustrating!
I have to say, that reading posts by rebooters usually doesn't make me feel sad, but some time ago, some of the RN'rs I was following started relapsing at almost the same time. Maybe it's the time of the year?? I think it's good to read, when they don't let the PA take over and that most of them get back in the saddle again. Relapsing may be part of the process, as long as it doesn't lead to them giving up.
I understand you know what your partner used to watch... I know that's hard to deal with. You have to realize, that the P he watched evolved over time and became more extreme. It has nothing to do with his preferences, but it is more likely, that he needed a bigger "dose" to get the same result. Try to keep that in mind.. I know it's not easy. I saw what my husband was watching back then and I couldn't understand how this gentle, kind man needed that kind of P to get aroused.
You are absolutely right, when you say, it makes us feel negative about our own bodies. It feels very disrespectful. I often told him that and he used to reply, that it had nothing to do with me. Now he understands, what it did to me and to us. Try to keep talking without the anger getting in the way. It's only normal, that you are angry, but it doesn't help make things better.
We have to learn to love our own body again and be able to enjoy the intimacy. When that happens, things will get better.
Keep strong!!
Emerald Blue
Well-Known Member
My partner never really progressed to anything extreme but every video I discovered featured women with very large or huge breasts. I don't know whether it was a porn induced fetish-like preference or whether it was always his thing. I tried asking him and he said he didn't have a preference but even the porn substitute stuff was all big tits. So what other conclusion can I come to? There is more I could say but it's quite upsetting for me. I have a small bust and I was always happy with what I had, but he never really paid that part of my body much attention during lovemaking. I could write more but right now, I'm a bit fragile over this issue. I have a psychological block every time I let him see my breasts and let him touch me. He's quite depressed that his porn habit has done this to our physical relationship. Before porn, our lovemaking was beautiful but once his porn habit was established it changed and eventually I was replaced by the porn. As a young woman I was proud of my body and I was aware of its beauty. Now I feel like some kind of bargain bin leftover.
Emerald Blue
Well-Known Member
hoopvol, I couldn't agree more with you about the harm that internet porn is doing to relationships and families. We're all supposed to have this freedom of choice and free will to watch whatever we want without censorship, but we could not have foreseen the addictive nature of porn once it became accessible whenever people wanted, available for free and in unlimited supply. Before the internet people had to go to a store and buy a magazine or a movie and there was a limit on how much people could spend and how far out of their way they were prepared to go to a particular store. When my partner had to go out and buy what he wanted to look at, he didn't buy very often. It had no impact on our relationship at all. I could accommodate the occasional magazine or movie. Once we were online it became a habit for him. Porn was about the first thing he searched for on the internet and from then on it was habit. I believed that the only way to keep my marriage together was to put up and shut up with his porn habit. He didn't seem that interested in me, and when the PIED problems were starting, I felt that he had no desire for me whatsoever. I knew it was the porn that had done it and I knew I couldn't stop him from viewing it. So I accepted it. I wasn't happy but I didn't think I had an option. What was I going to do? I thought that if I stopped him from having the porn he'd look elsewhere, so I accepted the situation with a broken heart.
It's awful when you read about kids being deprived of time with their fathers and wives and girlfriends losing their self esteem in the belief that they are undesirable or not good enough. Or having surgery to change their bodies in the hope that they will "win back" their man. The lies and the secrecy that goes with a porn addiction are probably the worst part of it. At the stage I am at now, I can forgive him for watching the porn but I have difficulty forgiving the lies. I'm probably coming to terms with the lying now but it's not easy. There's always the suspicion that there could be parts of the story that have been left out or that there may have been some lies that I have believed. Porn addicts lie very easily, it's been a way of life for years, so I'm always wondering if there has been another side to this story I know nothing about, and you probably know what it's like - if you don't ask the right question with the right words, you won't get any kind of answer at all. I'm slowly accepting that there's always going to be be things I don't know, mostly insignificant but with the chance of something more important being left out. Can I live with that? I suppose I have to, but then I think that's how it is with most relationships of any kind.
It's awful when you read about kids being deprived of time with their fathers and wives and girlfriends losing their self esteem in the belief that they are undesirable or not good enough. Or having surgery to change their bodies in the hope that they will "win back" their man. The lies and the secrecy that goes with a porn addiction are probably the worst part of it. At the stage I am at now, I can forgive him for watching the porn but I have difficulty forgiving the lies. I'm probably coming to terms with the lying now but it's not easy. There's always the suspicion that there could be parts of the story that have been left out or that there may have been some lies that I have believed. Porn addicts lie very easily, it's been a way of life for years, so I'm always wondering if there has been another side to this story I know nothing about, and you probably know what it's like - if you don't ask the right question with the right words, you won't get any kind of answer at all. I'm slowly accepting that there's always going to be be things I don't know, mostly insignificant but with the chance of something more important being left out. Can I live with that? I suppose I have to, but then I think that's how it is with most relationships of any kind.
Trustandnewbeginnings
Member
Hoopvol, I'm new to fighting this and read your story. It sounded promising for a good stretch but ended on a slightly sour note last year. I don't know if you are still active here, but if you are and don't mind, could you give us an update? Thanks. Just looking for hope from people who are further down the road. I really hope all is well and he is still turning his back to this terrible addiction.
hoopvol
Active Member
Hi TANB,
I wish I could tell you, we are doing fine, but we're not. Last week was a real rollercoaster, cause he finally admitted to using P again. I noticed the changes in his behavior; changes you'll see, when you have 19 years of experience.
He served the truth in little bits and pieces and every time I said I didn't believe him, the story changed. Over days it changed from:
-he started two weeks ago trying to get past the (interet)filter and the (tv) code, but that he didn't succeed. He said it made him feel so bad and I think he wanted me to think, that this explained his behavior.
-when I said, that I didn't believe him and that I thought he got his hands on P again, he finally said that I was right. He figured out the code to the adult-channels on our tv (two weeks ago, he said...)
-that still didn't explain everything to me, cause he started suffering from PE months ago. He really felt very bad about that and I didn't want to say too much about, cause I was afraid it would make it worse. I wanted to think, it was all still part of the recovery. I only told him, that it wasn't a big deal and that he should try not to be too upset about it.
-at that point I asked him about the commercials for webcam-girls, that appear after the regular tv shows an he admitted had been watching those two weeks prior to the night he figured out the code.
-a day later I told him, I didn't believe it was just two weeks, because all the pieces of the puzzle told me something else. Then he admitted, that he had been watching those for about 6 months. He watched them on our bedroom-tv when I was in the shower.
This all happened during 6 days. I tell you this in detail, cause this makes me feel so insecure. He still hasn't figured out, that the lying is the worst part. Everything I know, I had to pull out of him (same in the past). It makes me think, there is still a lot I don't know, just because I didn't ask the right questions. He makes it soooo hard to believe him! He says, there is nothing else, nothing more... Besides that, I want to say I never really believed in filters and codes. I installed them on his request, to make him feel saver. I always told him, that the most important filter, should be his willpower. There will always be triggers, every where.. A filter just buys time, so he can rethink what he is doing and make better choices.....
I've been a raging ball of anger, sadness and frustration this last week. Today is the first day, I can get rid of some of the anger and start thinking rational again. It's so hard to keep up the appearance, at home in front of the kids, at work, etc. I'm so tired. I'm so angry, that he let it come this far. We had an agreement: when he felt he was attracted to P again, or felt triggered by anything, he would come to me so we could talk about it. I wrote him a letter (over a year ago) for the same purpose: he could read it whenever he felt tempted. It was next to him (in the drawer of his bedside table) but he didn't read it. In stead he watched the webcam-commercials end started his trip downhill. This time I think, there was no underlying depression, emotion or whatever. I think it was nothing more than bad choices he carelessly made. And these choices created his need for P.
Now he is freaking out and so afraid, this is the end of our life together. It doesn't have to be; I'm still not ready to let P win and take everything from us, from our kids as well. I still hope we can work trough this and recover. But he makes it so hard to love him. Loving him hurts!
For now: it's babysteps. I have to free myself from this all consuming anger. It doesn't help, it blocks communication and it eats you up. That my first mission for now.
ps: your timing was spot-on... I had been lurking on RN again for some days, but I couldn't get myself to posting again. I started to read my last comments again and I see what you mean. Maybe i started to feel the danger. I don't know.
I do know, that some people read my posts and got hope from them. I now feel, I am letting them down: I came here to support others and now here I am; I need support myself. Please don't lose hope because of this post: we all need hope, lots of it!!
Take care!!
I wish I could tell you, we are doing fine, but we're not. Last week was a real rollercoaster, cause he finally admitted to using P again. I noticed the changes in his behavior; changes you'll see, when you have 19 years of experience.
He served the truth in little bits and pieces and every time I said I didn't believe him, the story changed. Over days it changed from:
-he started two weeks ago trying to get past the (interet)filter and the (tv) code, but that he didn't succeed. He said it made him feel so bad and I think he wanted me to think, that this explained his behavior.
-when I said, that I didn't believe him and that I thought he got his hands on P again, he finally said that I was right. He figured out the code to the adult-channels on our tv (two weeks ago, he said...)
-that still didn't explain everything to me, cause he started suffering from PE months ago. He really felt very bad about that and I didn't want to say too much about, cause I was afraid it would make it worse. I wanted to think, it was all still part of the recovery. I only told him, that it wasn't a big deal and that he should try not to be too upset about it.
-at that point I asked him about the commercials for webcam-girls, that appear after the regular tv shows an he admitted had been watching those two weeks prior to the night he figured out the code.
-a day later I told him, I didn't believe it was just two weeks, because all the pieces of the puzzle told me something else. Then he admitted, that he had been watching those for about 6 months. He watched them on our bedroom-tv when I was in the shower.
This all happened during 6 days. I tell you this in detail, cause this makes me feel so insecure. He still hasn't figured out, that the lying is the worst part. Everything I know, I had to pull out of him (same in the past). It makes me think, there is still a lot I don't know, just because I didn't ask the right questions. He makes it soooo hard to believe him! He says, there is nothing else, nothing more... Besides that, I want to say I never really believed in filters and codes. I installed them on his request, to make him feel saver. I always told him, that the most important filter, should be his willpower. There will always be triggers, every where.. A filter just buys time, so he can rethink what he is doing and make better choices.....
I've been a raging ball of anger, sadness and frustration this last week. Today is the first day, I can get rid of some of the anger and start thinking rational again. It's so hard to keep up the appearance, at home in front of the kids, at work, etc. I'm so tired. I'm so angry, that he let it come this far. We had an agreement: when he felt he was attracted to P again, or felt triggered by anything, he would come to me so we could talk about it. I wrote him a letter (over a year ago) for the same purpose: he could read it whenever he felt tempted. It was next to him (in the drawer of his bedside table) but he didn't read it. In stead he watched the webcam-commercials end started his trip downhill. This time I think, there was no underlying depression, emotion or whatever. I think it was nothing more than bad choices he carelessly made. And these choices created his need for P.
Now he is freaking out and so afraid, this is the end of our life together. It doesn't have to be; I'm still not ready to let P win and take everything from us, from our kids as well. I still hope we can work trough this and recover. But he makes it so hard to love him. Loving him hurts!
For now: it's babysteps. I have to free myself from this all consuming anger. It doesn't help, it blocks communication and it eats you up. That my first mission for now.
ps: your timing was spot-on... I had been lurking on RN again for some days, but I couldn't get myself to posting again. I started to read my last comments again and I see what you mean. Maybe i started to feel the danger. I don't know.
I do know, that some people read my posts and got hope from them. I now feel, I am letting them down: I came here to support others and now here I am; I need support myself. Please don't lose hope because of this post: we all need hope, lots of it!!
Take care!!
