Analysis-paralysis came back. Wave of immense depression

[Ocarinustino]

So 31st day of 5th reboot. Until now during this reboot I literally started feeling better day by day,getting positivity. And now all of a fucking sudden I get overflown with immense depression and bad thoughts of the past. None of them are connected to porn. They are connected to moments of my past where I got degraded in topics considering women in real life.

Out of fucking nowhere,I remembered my aunt,who was feminist nazi hated by whole family.When she first saw me when I was 13, telling me Im a male scum and how I dont deserve woman and if I ever wish sex I should die and that I must become gay to repent. Then I started analyzing is she right or not and started choking in depression feeling guilty about my sexuality towards women.

Then I remembered my father and mother scolding me for not being able to help my ex gf get job"You are horrible man,how you ever gonna be a husband". This forced me into wave of memories when I disappointed my parents many times and felt even worse.

Then I remembered my same ex,who I loved deeply telling me "You arent real man,you are a coward". Now I feel disgusted and trapped in thoughts about her and feeling guilty.

Then I remembered how I spent so much time on people that didnt respect me and how I indulged in weed and amphetamines, ignoring life jobs.

All these thoughts are eating me and I cant stop overanalyzing. Its like past came back to eat me after all this time. Why after 31 great days and progress do I get this feeling of self disgust but for all the wrong reasons..

 

[jjyb]

My guess - those thoughts have always been there lurking in the back of your mind and porn was how you dealt with them, self medicating so to speak.  12 step talk: When we put on the brakes of addiction all the crap comes flying forward.  First there is a honeymoon period with being sober, then life catches up. 

Might be just a little bit of work to get past it or it might go away on it's own.  But at least it's out there and you know what you are facing.  Some tools I use for this very thing include cognitive therapy  (http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/), or the work of Byron Katie which is very similar (http://experiencelife.com/wp-content/themes/expb3/images/PDFs/Loving_What_Is.pdf)  The essence of both of them is to realize that your thoughts are not accurate and with a little homework you can easily stop believing them and even rewrite them.  The problem is that we don't question those faulty thoughts and beliefs, we just going on believing them or stuffing them and they end up ripping us to shreds.  I find these tools highly effective, but I know a lot of people are not into that sort of stuff. Good luck and hang in there, it will get better.