I'm coming up on my six week mark which is where I first relapsed. It seems that near the beginning of my reboots I feel really good, confident, driven, etc. but getting to this point I feel very lonely because even though I have had sex with women in the past there was never much of a connection. I'm in college and class is about to start in a week and a half which means I will be exposed to a lot of attractive women. I'm feeling rather nervous because obviously I will find some of them interesting but I don't have much experience with developing meaningful relationships. I am worried that this situation will make rebooting even more difficult because if I can't form a relationship (as has always been the case) then I will get down and go back to PMO. I know I shouldn't even be having these thoughts but I'm tired and very lonely at the moment. Need some encouragement/advice...
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Lonely and nervous
- Thread starter gtl923
- Start date
TheFirstStepofMany
Member
You can't think of those things. You have to change for you. I'm at about 6 weeks too and I am going through my partner leaving me so I know where you are coming from since I'm there too. I haven't relapsed but I haven't given myself the time to. I'm on here and reddit/pornfree as my default websites now with trips to PAA. I attend SAA meetings as regularly as my schedule permits, and I have people I can talk to who are sponsors. You can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. One day at a time. And focus on your own healing. You can't worry about how you will interact with these women just the same as I can't worry if my ex and I will ever get back together. It's scary and it's something we'll know the answer to good or bad but it's something you can't really control the external part -you can only control your reaction to it.
So I'd recommend going to a few SAA meetings and try it out, my sponsor mentioned this website which was nice because I told him that I already post here and watch the videos. You'll find that if you put in the work and share you will be able to reach people who you can call if you feel like you are about to relapse. Try to focus on your school, try to focus on your recovery. If you feel ready to date then just focus on being the you you want to be and you will find someone. Nearly everyone in this world will have a long term partner, You can't worry about it.
I would caution you though. You need to be focused on your healing and not let that drift from your mind when dating someone. When my ex and I reunited for the first time I still put in daily effort doing everything I could not to relapse. Because people who relapse are people who get complacent. They are people who stop going to the meetings, stop talking to their sponsors, stop coming to and posting on these websites.
If you are strong enough to go six weeks (and counting) away from porn then you are showing a lot more strength then a lot of guys in denial out there. Imagine being asked by a prospective partner if you view porn and you say "No, I'm not someone who watches that" how much respect you earned for that just there. I don't know if that would ever come up - who knows! But it is still something that separates you from a lot of men. You're also, hopefully, doing a lot of self reflection and thought and meditation to really get to know yourself, right? If so then that's another huge plus that you know what you like about yourself and that will attract a partner. You have to get healed first though comfortably enough that you won't act out if something in the relationship goes wrong or it will hurt her.
I recommend looking at the spouse posts on this forum, see what they have to say about how it felt for them, how they felt so hurt abandoned and betrayed. Get to know the inner monologue that goes on. I recommend this so you will know how a prospective partner may feel - and if you are ready to date again or not.
I hope that helps. I realize I am coming from a very weird place since I am talking to you about meeting women again when I'm trying to reunite with mine, but I saw that no one has responded yet and know how anxious it can get at times when you see the view count going up but no one responding yet.
So I'd recommend going to a few SAA meetings and try it out, my sponsor mentioned this website which was nice because I told him that I already post here and watch the videos. You'll find that if you put in the work and share you will be able to reach people who you can call if you feel like you are about to relapse. Try to focus on your school, try to focus on your recovery. If you feel ready to date then just focus on being the you you want to be and you will find someone. Nearly everyone in this world will have a long term partner, You can't worry about it.
I would caution you though. You need to be focused on your healing and not let that drift from your mind when dating someone. When my ex and I reunited for the first time I still put in daily effort doing everything I could not to relapse. Because people who relapse are people who get complacent. They are people who stop going to the meetings, stop talking to their sponsors, stop coming to and posting on these websites.
If you are strong enough to go six weeks (and counting) away from porn then you are showing a lot more strength then a lot of guys in denial out there. Imagine being asked by a prospective partner if you view porn and you say "No, I'm not someone who watches that" how much respect you earned for that just there. I don't know if that would ever come up - who knows! But it is still something that separates you from a lot of men. You're also, hopefully, doing a lot of self reflection and thought and meditation to really get to know yourself, right? If so then that's another huge plus that you know what you like about yourself and that will attract a partner. You have to get healed first though comfortably enough that you won't act out if something in the relationship goes wrong or it will hurt her.
I recommend looking at the spouse posts on this forum, see what they have to say about how it felt for them, how they felt so hurt abandoned and betrayed. Get to know the inner monologue that goes on. I recommend this so you will know how a prospective partner may feel - and if you are ready to date again or not.
I hope that helps. I realize I am coming from a very weird place since I am talking to you about meeting women again when I'm trying to reunite with mine, but I saw that no one has responded yet and know how anxious it can get at times when you see the view count going up but no one responding yet.
gtl923 said:I know I shouldn't even be having these thoughts but I'm tired and very lonely at the moment. Need some encouragement/advice...
this is when the conscious filter is weak. tired / lonely.
I am tired right now, after work. and pissed off that my GF is out with friends tonight and cancelled on me. the combination of these is making me want to watch porn, masturbate, and talk shit in adult chat rooms. i'm 3 weeks into my no porn/no masturbation reboot.
my point is these are the times to be aware.
@TheFirstStep: Thank you for the post. It really helped me a lot. Those feelings are rather uncharacteristic of me but we all have our off days. I know I have to just suck it up and be a man about it. Fear is what has perpetuated my habit in the past and this will be a good opportunity to confront my fears. And I must do it for myself like you said. Otherwise I will never reach my full potential. However, I'm not sure if SAA is right for me, especially with how busy I am. It is important to have a strong web of support which I am struggling with right now. On the other hand I am very introspective and have been learning a great deal about myself over the past couple years and I know that my true self is not one that engages in any form of PMO. Thank you again for your advice. I will definitely be more cautious about rushing into relationships that could potentially hinder my reboot. Also, I hope your situation with your partner works out for the best, whether that means ya'll get back together or remain apart. Sometimes things that seem bad at first turn out to work out for the better in the long run.
@jday1: Too true my friend. These moments are the true test of our willpower. But they are also opportunities to learn how to cope with uncomfortable situations without using artificial coping mechanisms (ie. PMO). I do my best to embrace these withdrawal feelings and redirect my focus and energy to other things, sometimes even just my body. I realize the addiction is in my head and if I shift my awareness to my body (through breathing exercises, physical exercise, or just making myself aware of the feeling in all of my body parts) it helps to pass a craving.
@jday1: Too true my friend. These moments are the true test of our willpower. But they are also opportunities to learn how to cope with uncomfortable situations without using artificial coping mechanisms (ie. PMO). I do my best to embrace these withdrawal feelings and redirect my focus and energy to other things, sometimes even just my body. I realize the addiction is in my head and if I shift my awareness to my body (through breathing exercises, physical exercise, or just making myself aware of the feeling in all of my body parts) it helps to pass a craving.