Background
------------
35 Years old with PIED, found out about PIED after my marriage breakup where for the past year or so of marriage (its hard to remember as I didn't notice it as a problem per say at the time) I just wasnt as hard during PIV as I used to be and couldnt O without extra stimulation. After started dating again after that part of my life I failed multiple times when the time came to be with my girlfriend, and starting reasearching and yourbrainonporn resulted in huge enlightenment about the progressive problem I had been unknowingly developing. The novelty factor for me definitely ratcheted up over the years, but nothing insane or degraded. But certainly enough to cause PIED and in a bad way that required a reboot. As of the time of this writing, I have been 5 months P free, 50 or so days M free, and 21 days O free.
The first 30 days
-----------------
Funny, but as soon as I realised P was the problem, P was OVER in my life right from day 1. I have never on purposely sought it out again being so frustrated and upset with the addiction and its causes. I knew I had been 'addicted' to a certain degree as a coping mechanism to life's anxiety's, but overcoming the addiction wasn't difficult in the least in that I have had no real desire to ever look at it again. The reboot is another story, which as not been easy at all.
It took a few weeks for the flatline to hit me. Was trying a soft reboot as I had a girlfriend who -was- pretty amorous and definitely wanted sex. When that failed in a bad way, she was upset, I was in tears, she thought I didn't find her attractive, or that I just didn't work. It was probably life's most awful experience. And as Gary has said, the failure provided the ultimate motivation and where the next day after this failure caused me to research, become enlightened on YBOP and that was day 1 where P was dead to me for the rest of my life. This PIV failure though happened 3 times before I just gave up trying for sex altogether until I felt I actually could again... whenever that might be. But as I couldn't do that with her and didn't want to lose her, we fooled around and I pleased her in other ways, which worked fine and could get her to O repeatedly, although she still really wasn't happy without the full thing. Almost ended us for sure a couple times. But she would make me O through handjobs or grinding, I simply wasn't sensitive to oral and she didn't understand why that didn't work at all for me (I knew I had lost sensitivity due to years of PMO). Honestly, I -still- haven't been open with the real cause, only have mentioned stress from anxiety from my divorce has been my excuse as I cant bring myself to dump more baggage on her after she has been supportive of me through that part of my life. The failed attempts led to massive yourbrainonporn reading and Gage Deem video watching... thanks Gabe and Gary.
I had a couple of vivid porn dreams which I viewed as a good thing, my brain rewiring had started. But the flatline hit near week 2-4, and when it did, I couldnt believe the low. I tried to view it in a positive light but with zero libido, insane shrinkage... it was pretty tough to start going through.
Days 30-90
------------
The next four months (after the first one) have been a bit of a blur. I still tried soft mode and fooling around with my gf. I M'd maybe 5-6 times over this time period, as I was stressed and anxious about 'testing' to see if I was getting better. And this for sure hasn't been linear. I started really feeling better early on, sensitivity started restoring so that oral worked on me a couple times, then it didnt a time or two, then it did again. I M'd with a condom on twice to see if that would work once I started feeling my libido return over the 30-90 day period, and it did which was pretty amazing and I took as a great sign that things were improving. But I would go back into flatline after most O's for varying bits of time. Morning wood came back a couple times only which im still worried about, although nocturnal erections are much much much more common and got harder over time. Still no wet dreams as I was still O'ing through other means than P.
One MO I actually feel like it was a relapse. On instagram late one night after drinking a lot I saw a sexually charged video with no nudity or anything, but for sure my brain dopamine kicker was intense and my pulse rushed and for sure my brain thought I was back. The rush was very intense. This flatlined me bad too again for a few weeks where I went back to zero libido afterwards. Made me realise just how strict with images and 'not P but still P' images/videos I had to strictly avoid.
I was feeling gradually better at one point and supplementing with Icariin 60 which I believe provided an artificial boost. One morning I could not believe how great things felt. She made me O by fooling around with me 3 times in one morning. It blew my mind and I didn't even get soft after each time. It was like I was back to 100% and beyond, never had anything like that in my life. And then I must have hit like a 3 week flat-line after that again. It was like later it reset me back to day 1. I'm sure that wasn't entirely true, but I settled in again (although I sure wasn't happy) into a long flatline drought. So overdoing it is definitely a thing when you are still in recovery mode.
Went for a period with no MO, then had a wet dream with her in my bed during a sleepover (she does maybe 2 times a week) which was embarassing (outwardly) but inwardly I was quite happy thinking it was a good sign my body is getting back to normal. She then immediately got me off again, which was awesome. And I said I was starting to feel better, which was true. 2 times in one night like that though put me back into a couple week flatline again.
This time period has been so non-linear.
But its been slower than I hoped for, as is Im sure with anyone who actually hopes for a quick recovery even though we know it takes time. In this time period I haven't gone more than 2-2.5 weeks without an O from something, and sometimes they have been more frequent than that, like a couple a week.
I tried building up 2.5 weeks with no O to a big romantic weekend getaway where we stayed at a hotel, and at night we did mutual oral where it was probably the best i had ever had with a huge O at the end, but in the morning I tried for PIV and I could tell my brain still wasn't letting me get hard enough, so I quickly aborted. It made me wonder if the night before PIV -would- have worked, and I wasted my chance to try then. I have some level of mental PE now for sure given how trying for it is now mentally linked to some pretty horrible failure memories.
But that failure again made me think that despite improvements, after 4 months I still couldnt do 'the deed' and I needed a new strategy. My girlfriend has been progressively less interested in even fooling around, waiting for me to 'feel better' although im worried that without the full thing, she is losing interest in us, even though I know she does care about me.
Day 90-110
------------
Ive decided to go for hard-mode as part of a new strategy, although I dont know for how long again. Im 21 days in to no O of any kind, trying to not even barely touch. I still haven't had morning wood in this time, although nocturnal erections are as hard as can be, I now know what a full concrete-hard erection should be like when I wake up to that in the middle of the night and I think "well now I know PIV with a condom would definitely work". These also happened over the past couple of months. Sometimes its lasted for 2 minutes after I wake up at 3am, other times its lasted for 20 minutes and I have to wait it out before I can even fall back asleep. But still no morning wood, which I must admit worries me a lot (according to YBOP nocturnal is more driven by Testosterone and Morning due to Dopamine... is my dopamine rewiring still F'd?). No wet dreams in this period, although last night with a sleepover I definitely had a vivid dream where I woke up before I was too far into the dream and suspect I would have had one if I didn't wake up. She doesn't want anything either during this period, and it feels like a loss she wont let me do anything for her either.
What's Next
------------
We are actually travelling together on a long weekend away coming up in September which would mark 5 weeks of hard mode by the time that arrives (just short of 2 weeks to go!). I am trying not to put pressure on myself to perform that weekend, but I sure hope I can. I'm tempted to wait the full 90 hard mode days, but that means another 10 weeks of this, which feels like it would just be terrible at the moment. Its stressful to keep looking forward to "well... maybe then?"
Summary to Date
-------------------
- I wish I would have tried hard mode right from the start, with re-wiring with cuddling but not deeper physical intimacy, although its so difficult to know if that would have worked any differently.
- The Hardmode nofap definitely results in improvements in life, although YBOP is not a nofap site, other Reddit NoFap (and to me no O benefits) are true like deeper voice lots of time, improved overall mood, more confidence, etc. I feel a great energy after going into monk mode.
- This whole process feels like ive made improvements? Especially in sensitivity when things work. And if I compare from the original worst flatline, things seem to be slowly getting better?
Questions/Worries:
------------
- Should I be worried about no morning wood yet?
- Any advice on hard mode length considering what I have gone through already? Erections are only about 70-80% strength, except nocturnal ones which are 100%
- Im worried ill never be able to have normal sex again, feel like I can only try and fail so many times
------------
35 Years old with PIED, found out about PIED after my marriage breakup where for the past year or so of marriage (its hard to remember as I didn't notice it as a problem per say at the time) I just wasnt as hard during PIV as I used to be and couldnt O without extra stimulation. After started dating again after that part of my life I failed multiple times when the time came to be with my girlfriend, and starting reasearching and yourbrainonporn resulted in huge enlightenment about the progressive problem I had been unknowingly developing. The novelty factor for me definitely ratcheted up over the years, but nothing insane or degraded. But certainly enough to cause PIED and in a bad way that required a reboot. As of the time of this writing, I have been 5 months P free, 50 or so days M free, and 21 days O free.
The first 30 days
-----------------
Funny, but as soon as I realised P was the problem, P was OVER in my life right from day 1. I have never on purposely sought it out again being so frustrated and upset with the addiction and its causes. I knew I had been 'addicted' to a certain degree as a coping mechanism to life's anxiety's, but overcoming the addiction wasn't difficult in the least in that I have had no real desire to ever look at it again. The reboot is another story, which as not been easy at all.
It took a few weeks for the flatline to hit me. Was trying a soft reboot as I had a girlfriend who -was- pretty amorous and definitely wanted sex. When that failed in a bad way, she was upset, I was in tears, she thought I didn't find her attractive, or that I just didn't work. It was probably life's most awful experience. And as Gary has said, the failure provided the ultimate motivation and where the next day after this failure caused me to research, become enlightened on YBOP and that was day 1 where P was dead to me for the rest of my life. This PIV failure though happened 3 times before I just gave up trying for sex altogether until I felt I actually could again... whenever that might be. But as I couldn't do that with her and didn't want to lose her, we fooled around and I pleased her in other ways, which worked fine and could get her to O repeatedly, although she still really wasn't happy without the full thing. Almost ended us for sure a couple times. But she would make me O through handjobs or grinding, I simply wasn't sensitive to oral and she didn't understand why that didn't work at all for me (I knew I had lost sensitivity due to years of PMO). Honestly, I -still- haven't been open with the real cause, only have mentioned stress from anxiety from my divorce has been my excuse as I cant bring myself to dump more baggage on her after she has been supportive of me through that part of my life. The failed attempts led to massive yourbrainonporn reading and Gage Deem video watching... thanks Gabe and Gary.
I had a couple of vivid porn dreams which I viewed as a good thing, my brain rewiring had started. But the flatline hit near week 2-4, and when it did, I couldnt believe the low. I tried to view it in a positive light but with zero libido, insane shrinkage... it was pretty tough to start going through.
Days 30-90
------------
The next four months (after the first one) have been a bit of a blur. I still tried soft mode and fooling around with my gf. I M'd maybe 5-6 times over this time period, as I was stressed and anxious about 'testing' to see if I was getting better. And this for sure hasn't been linear. I started really feeling better early on, sensitivity started restoring so that oral worked on me a couple times, then it didnt a time or two, then it did again. I M'd with a condom on twice to see if that would work once I started feeling my libido return over the 30-90 day period, and it did which was pretty amazing and I took as a great sign that things were improving. But I would go back into flatline after most O's for varying bits of time. Morning wood came back a couple times only which im still worried about, although nocturnal erections are much much much more common and got harder over time. Still no wet dreams as I was still O'ing through other means than P.
One MO I actually feel like it was a relapse. On instagram late one night after drinking a lot I saw a sexually charged video with no nudity or anything, but for sure my brain dopamine kicker was intense and my pulse rushed and for sure my brain thought I was back. The rush was very intense. This flatlined me bad too again for a few weeks where I went back to zero libido afterwards. Made me realise just how strict with images and 'not P but still P' images/videos I had to strictly avoid.
I was feeling gradually better at one point and supplementing with Icariin 60 which I believe provided an artificial boost. One morning I could not believe how great things felt. She made me O by fooling around with me 3 times in one morning. It blew my mind and I didn't even get soft after each time. It was like I was back to 100% and beyond, never had anything like that in my life. And then I must have hit like a 3 week flat-line after that again. It was like later it reset me back to day 1. I'm sure that wasn't entirely true, but I settled in again (although I sure wasn't happy) into a long flatline drought. So overdoing it is definitely a thing when you are still in recovery mode.
Went for a period with no MO, then had a wet dream with her in my bed during a sleepover (she does maybe 2 times a week) which was embarassing (outwardly) but inwardly I was quite happy thinking it was a good sign my body is getting back to normal. She then immediately got me off again, which was awesome. And I said I was starting to feel better, which was true. 2 times in one night like that though put me back into a couple week flatline again.
This time period has been so non-linear.
But its been slower than I hoped for, as is Im sure with anyone who actually hopes for a quick recovery even though we know it takes time. In this time period I haven't gone more than 2-2.5 weeks without an O from something, and sometimes they have been more frequent than that, like a couple a week.
I tried building up 2.5 weeks with no O to a big romantic weekend getaway where we stayed at a hotel, and at night we did mutual oral where it was probably the best i had ever had with a huge O at the end, but in the morning I tried for PIV and I could tell my brain still wasn't letting me get hard enough, so I quickly aborted. It made me wonder if the night before PIV -would- have worked, and I wasted my chance to try then. I have some level of mental PE now for sure given how trying for it is now mentally linked to some pretty horrible failure memories.
But that failure again made me think that despite improvements, after 4 months I still couldnt do 'the deed' and I needed a new strategy. My girlfriend has been progressively less interested in even fooling around, waiting for me to 'feel better' although im worried that without the full thing, she is losing interest in us, even though I know she does care about me.
Day 90-110
------------
Ive decided to go for hard-mode as part of a new strategy, although I dont know for how long again. Im 21 days in to no O of any kind, trying to not even barely touch. I still haven't had morning wood in this time, although nocturnal erections are as hard as can be, I now know what a full concrete-hard erection should be like when I wake up to that in the middle of the night and I think "well now I know PIV with a condom would definitely work". These also happened over the past couple of months. Sometimes its lasted for 2 minutes after I wake up at 3am, other times its lasted for 20 minutes and I have to wait it out before I can even fall back asleep. But still no morning wood, which I must admit worries me a lot (according to YBOP nocturnal is more driven by Testosterone and Morning due to Dopamine... is my dopamine rewiring still F'd?). No wet dreams in this period, although last night with a sleepover I definitely had a vivid dream where I woke up before I was too far into the dream and suspect I would have had one if I didn't wake up. She doesn't want anything either during this period, and it feels like a loss she wont let me do anything for her either.
What's Next
------------
We are actually travelling together on a long weekend away coming up in September which would mark 5 weeks of hard mode by the time that arrives (just short of 2 weeks to go!). I am trying not to put pressure on myself to perform that weekend, but I sure hope I can. I'm tempted to wait the full 90 hard mode days, but that means another 10 weeks of this, which feels like it would just be terrible at the moment. Its stressful to keep looking forward to "well... maybe then?"
Summary to Date
-------------------
- I wish I would have tried hard mode right from the start, with re-wiring with cuddling but not deeper physical intimacy, although its so difficult to know if that would have worked any differently.
- The Hardmode nofap definitely results in improvements in life, although YBOP is not a nofap site, other Reddit NoFap (and to me no O benefits) are true like deeper voice lots of time, improved overall mood, more confidence, etc. I feel a great energy after going into monk mode.
- This whole process feels like ive made improvements? Especially in sensitivity when things work. And if I compare from the original worst flatline, things seem to be slowly getting better?
Questions/Worries:
------------
- Should I be worried about no morning wood yet?
- Any advice on hard mode length considering what I have gone through already? Erections are only about 70-80% strength, except nocturnal ones which are 100%
- Im worried ill never be able to have normal sex again, feel like I can only try and fail so many times