I was reading some of the journals tonight and I got inspired. I have a hand written journal I keep at work but I like the idea of an open journal. I have been away from this forum for months now and it has taken it's toll on my sobriety. I feel like I need to revisit the beginning of my recovery.
I found Reboot Nation a year ago. At that time in my life I was in perpetual fear. I didn't know who I was and I was terrified that my life would forever be split in two. One life I lived was that of the new husband and father -- caring, intellectual, and the guy that worked hard to get where he's at. The other life I lived was a secret one. For most of my life I could keep these two lives separate. Consequently, as my addiction reached new heights I found it difficult to manage the charade and my deceit was becoming increasingly obvious to my wife.
Looking at porn and masturbating at work, at home, or even out in public, I was driven by my sexual exploits. My marriage was deteriorating as my porn-use had me preoccupied on average 3-5 times a day. I actually found myself using porn more frequently at work. I worked out of my own company truck and this made it easy to isolate myself and I did so ritualistically. I would park in seemingly empty parking lots and look at porn and masturbate throughout my work day. This behavior was certainly the type that could get me fired from my job or worse, arrested, yet it never stopped or deterred my behavior. It seemed I was never sexually satisfied and this caused friction at home.
I would constantly pressure my wife and complain that, "I can't live in a sexless marriage". I would rationalize my excessive use of porn as a result of my perceived sexual neglect, rather than accepting that it could be reason my wife and I were growing distant. Sex and intimacy were one and the same in my world. My disfigured perception of love and intimacy only kept me in denial of the pain I was causing to not only my wife, but to myself as well.
I found Reboot Nation a year ago. At that time in my life I was in perpetual fear. I didn't know who I was and I was terrified that my life would forever be split in two. One life I lived was that of the new husband and father -- caring, intellectual, and the guy that worked hard to get where he's at. The other life I lived was a secret one. For most of my life I could keep these two lives separate. Consequently, as my addiction reached new heights I found it difficult to manage the charade and my deceit was becoming increasingly obvious to my wife.
Looking at porn and masturbating at work, at home, or even out in public, I was driven by my sexual exploits. My marriage was deteriorating as my porn-use had me preoccupied on average 3-5 times a day. I actually found myself using porn more frequently at work. I worked out of my own company truck and this made it easy to isolate myself and I did so ritualistically. I would park in seemingly empty parking lots and look at porn and masturbate throughout my work day. This behavior was certainly the type that could get me fired from my job or worse, arrested, yet it never stopped or deterred my behavior. It seemed I was never sexually satisfied and this caused friction at home.
I would constantly pressure my wife and complain that, "I can't live in a sexless marriage". I would rationalize my excessive use of porn as a result of my perceived sexual neglect, rather than accepting that it could be reason my wife and I were growing distant. Sex and intimacy were one and the same in my world. My disfigured perception of love and intimacy only kept me in denial of the pain I was causing to not only my wife, but to myself as well.