Math: you feel pretty much how I do. I posted this this morning: Tbh, part of me has given up already on ever recovering. Every morning I wake up, wondering if I will behold a rebooted morning glory or even a sliver of life. I have gone thru these flatlines before and suddenly out of nowhere had a sudden lusty month, where impotence became a swiftly fading memory. But at those times, out of a relationship. I fapped myself to satiety and then compulsively beyond to a place where I was basically chasing the orgasm dragon despite my body failing to register any more interest. But this is certainly one of the longest periods I've gone without any self-stimulation tho' it hasn't been without O due to a hit 'n' miss combo of viagra and spoffing with a semi during foreplay more by accident than design. But this time feels different, it feels like I will never recover. I've got the best chance of a relationship I've had in years and years, since my one and only longterm finished, and now as much as I feel I'm beginning to fall in love with her I feel driven to push her away, to give her a chance of a normal, fulfilling life with true intimacy and the possibility of a family, to be carefree and not to have to deal with this inadequacy hanging around my neck like a rancid albatross. I've struggled with addiction and mental health issues all my life and have managed to beat them for longer and longer periods in my 30s, but I think this disease of ED has been the one single factor fundamentally razing my self-confidence to the ground. It has on several occasions caused a selfdestructive relapse back into smoking, drinking and self-harm. That's how I feel right now, like telling this wonderful young woman to find herself an unbroken man, at least one who can get a flipping stiffy on viagra! I can't be doing with penis pumps and prosthetics, I've been humiliated enough. I do exercise, I do look after myself, I've had a long break from wanking, I haven't done anything to merit such a severe case of this relationship-destroying, future-destroying, self-worth-destroying disease that makes you detest your own body and insults the one you love. I'm pretty close to just sacking it all in, the healthy lifestyle, the positive mental health management, and staying alone for rest of my life, accepting that I have this horrible random illness that doesn't even make sense what with the odd tho' increasingly infrequent month-long island of raging libido amid a sea of ED, and finding hopefully lethal consolation in the bottle. I've given my body and mind everything they need just to allow me to have a shot at normal happiness, nothing spectacular, not a career as a pornstar or a harem or being a player, and my body just gives me the V-finger ,saying 'Uh-uh, not for you , boy!' I hate sex, I hate my penis, I hate myself.