I have been thinking and talking to my husband about the addiction. It is just that the feelings of not being enough is the hard thing to get over. He did not use when we first got married. Then in 1999 we got cable with all the movie channels. And a tv in our bedroom. That is when he started using. It was Cinemax stuff, HBO. But those channels got more and more daring. Then he started having me go to bed first because he wasn't tired yet. This got more pronounced once our youngest moved out. Then I had a surgery and he would sleep downstairs on the couch. I did not ask him to do this, he just volunteered. Then if I wanted sex, I had to ask. That had started earlier, but it got worse during this time. I guess in my brain I knew. There were times I would wake up and lay there in bed and he would have it on with no sound.
Anyway, 15 years into our marriage was when he started using. I was 48 at that time. He used until I caught him on the couch downstairs. For me it is a matter of he didn't use when I was young he started using when I was older. That has been such a blow to how I feel about myself. Even though no one ever thinks that I am 63. They usually guess around 40-45. So it is like I was fine to him when I was younger, then not fine, then once I found out at age 60 I am once again okay. (Because he stopped and has been wonderful about quitting) And with the way porn addicts act, during that time it felt to me that he did not like me. I knew he loved me, but I was treated as though he did not like me. That is overwhelming. That is the hardest part to get past. He didn't like me. I get that he loved me. I asked what he did on a regular basis that showed me he just like me and enjoyed my company during that time. And he said he knew what I was talking about. Sorry this is so long. Thank you for listening.
Anyway, 15 years into our marriage was when he started using. I was 48 at that time. He used until I caught him on the couch downstairs. For me it is a matter of he didn't use when I was young he started using when I was older. That has been such a blow to how I feel about myself. Even though no one ever thinks that I am 63. They usually guess around 40-45. So it is like I was fine to him when I was younger, then not fine, then once I found out at age 60 I am once again okay. (Because he stopped and has been wonderful about quitting) And with the way porn addicts act, during that time it felt to me that he did not like me. I knew he loved me, but I was treated as though he did not like me. That is overwhelming. That is the hardest part to get past. He didn't like me. I get that he loved me. I asked what he did on a regular basis that showed me he just like me and enjoyed my company during that time. And he said he knew what I was talking about. Sorry this is so long. Thank you for listening.
